There are thousands of books, millions of poems, and uncountable interpretations of love in the universe. In every faith, every tongue, every history, every nation to the ends of the earth, there are many ideas, concepts and expressions of love. But what is it really?
These last few years have put many, many, many, if not all my ideas and beliefs of love to the test. Romantic, maternal, platonic, familial, friendly, godly, natural, spiritual and humane love - love in all ways, all forms, and all levels.
I 'feel' I have failed in many, if not most or even all of those various forms of love. But that's the problem, letting my feelings dictate my truth. Because the biggest revelation I've discovered through all my tests and trials is that how I feel has little to do with my love, the love I have, give and receive.
Feelings change. Feelings fluctuate. Feelings lie. Feelings confuse. Feelings are centered in expectation, fluctuation, and consolation. Now, don't dismiss feelings - at all. They're very important indicators to reveal the state of a matter. Not acknowledging or choosing to supress or deny feelings is often the key factor that leads to our most destructive and bad decisions, as well as our good and amazing leaps of faith. I'm not saying to ignore or deny our feelings, but perhaps use them, study them, recognize the 'why' behind them to aid in the discovery of truth.
Truth is the key to everything. It is the heart of love.
Here is an example of Truth and Love.
My stepson feels I hate him. He is at the height of teenage rebellion. He is at the apex of hormonal changes in his life, realizing he has some control of some things and he can no longer control other things. He rarely understands the consequences of his choices, and most of the time doesn't recognize who he is, who he was, or even who he wants to be. He's between the boy and the man he is to become. Of course, in this example he is making a LOT of bad destructive decisions that can hugely alter his life, diminish his future options, and even endanger his life.
My 'feelings' fluctuate from the desire to hug, protect, and encourage to wanting to throttle, beat the shit out of him, throw him to the streets, and lock him in his room forever where he will be safe, be protected and sheltered. But none of how I feel is love. My feelings are indicators how his behavior effects me because of the love I have for him. But it is not an indicator of love. Love is both praise and discipline, pride and shame, compassion and anger, etc.
I have learned the worst expression in the world is indifference, not love or hate, passion or pain. To not feel anything, to not care, to not be concerned with another ...that is worse than hate, more destructive than any power or emotion I have witnessed upon this earth. Indifference doesn't consider consequences, good or bad. Indifference allows the worst atrocities imaginable from slavery, serial murder, terrorism, hunger, desolation, etc. Being able to empathize, sympathize, to react, or to feel is what makes us truly human. Sociopaths and psychopaths are often indifferent and it's that indifference that allows their choices, behaviors. Indifference is to act without a soul, because the soul/spirit of a person is the center of who they truly are, and where you find all emotion, where reason dwells, where empathy lives ...all surrounded by love. Real love - not this shallow water-downed version. Indifference is the true evil. When we lose our ability or desire to care, thats when we've lost everything. All other emotion comes because we care - sympathy, anger, passion and even hate. We don't hate what we don't care about.
So, back to my step-son. I know he thinks I hate him because I've had to be hard on him. But, that's not the truth. I don't hate him at all. I love him dearly. But I do hate MANY of the things he does. My decisions to get tough are because I'm scared for him, I fear the consequences of the choices he's making. He's at the stage where he believes he's indestructible, and that NOTHING bad serious will touch him or his life. He hasn't had to face anything serious yet. His dad has given him a life where he was able to be a kid, because he still often acts like a five-year old spoiled brat pitching a fit to get his way. I'm not talking figuratively, I mean literally (it's really embarrassing sometimes). Now, he didnt live with a silver-spoon in his mouth, but he had everything he needed and much of what he wanted. He is disrespectful and ungrateful, because he doesn't yet understand the sacrifices his dad has had to make for him to have enjoyed the life he's had. He has a mother, but for the most part she hasn't been a big part of his life, that everyday living part. She's been gone since he was a very small child, and that created a huge hole that has grown and filled with anger, resentment, and confusion.
I pray he never has to deal with true abuse, pain, incarceration, humiliation, rape, disease, death of a soul-mate, addiction, hunger, deprivation, destitution, yet he taunts these very things on a daily basis. He runs wildly toward destruction. He is determined to face them all. Perhaps he needs to in order to alter his current path. Its better that he faces one of these than reach the level of indifference where he becomes truly evil. Right now, he's just a rebellious kid skating on thin ice, but if it ever cracks and he falls through, survival becomes almost impossible.
I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm worried, I have nightmares of all the things I want to protect and save him from, but he's the one holding the gun to his own head. So, I yell, I scream, I throw away his weed, I assign chores, I set boundaries, I tell him the truth of who he is, the choices he makes, and where they lead. I am ashamed and disappointed in the level of disrespect he shows his father and me. It hurts. But, I remain consistent, diligent, and steadfast. I have spent hours talking to him, encouraging him about who he could be, what he is capable of achieving, his strengths, and possibilities, to encourage him to dream, to hope ...to all be forgotten and traded for a high level of abuse and disrespect because he has chosen a path of drug abuse, skipping school, hanging out with thugs and addicts - and treating the people who love him most with disdain. Its so bad I fear going home. I've put a deadbolt on my bedroom door just so I can sleep, but I don't sleep - for fear of him or fear for him. Not sleeping is affecting my health, my well-being, my peace. But all that isn't because I hate him ....no, it's because of how much I LOVE him.
Love hopes when it seems hopeless. Love protects. Love is getting in an angry face. Love is saying No knowing it will cause a fit. Love is throwing the weed away. Love is laying down consequences in the face of anger, a fit, and being called every dispicable thing imaginable. Love is hoping for change, knowing change doesn't come until after truth, and truth comes at a painful price.
I hope I have strength enough to stick it out. Every day I want to run from the responsibility and pain of it because it's hard. But, love keeps me there fighting because he's worth it. He may never grow up and realize that what I'm doing is because of the massive amount of love I have for him. He may think I hate him for the rest of his life. He may forever believe the yelling and discipline is to beat him down, when I'm trying to build him up - to tear down the bad and build up the good. I see the ugly truth of who he is, what he's doing, and where he's headed. But, I am also able to see the good, loving, successful man he can be. I won't give up on that dream. He has the power to destroy or build. I only have the power to love.
So, all these expressions of love ...eh, what do I know?
