Forgiveness and Repentance

What does it really mean to be forgiven or to forgive someone, and how does repentace play a part?

In the many stages of my life both words, forgiveness and repentance, meant different things. As a young girl being abused by her father, I couldn't understand the thought of forgiveness. No way in Hell. No, to a victim - the idea of forgiveness is equivolent of accepting the behavior, the abuse, or the pain that was being inflicted on them. I couldn't 'forgive' my father, so I chose to be angry and hate him instead. I was a child, and thought like a child, and carried around an immense pain and shame that wasn't mine to carry.

But as life carried forward and I had children of my own, I began to think like a parent, making decisions to protect my children, that put their needs above their wants, even if it made me the bad guy. But i still carried this anger inside, wrapped in unforgiveness toward my father and mother. But, there was someone else that needed that forgiveness too, ...me.

But, how could I? How could I accept what was done? How could I ever feel that what happened was okay? I didn't. But, I didn't realize that forgiveness wasn't accepting that what they did was okay, because it wasn't okay. It was wrong on the highest level. It was a betrayal of love and trust. Forgiveness was about accepting the truth, the whole ugly truth, facing the damage, and seeing it for what it truly was and what it truly did. Without the truth, I couldnt face that truth and rise above it, to learn to heal, to make reparations and to change the direction.

My pain was real, but my enemy, my true enemy wasn't the monster that abused me, or the other monster that failed to protect me, it was the monster on the inside that lied to me on a daily basis telling me that I was damaged, unloved, and unworthy of being loved, unwanted, and neglected. Those were truths, but it wasn't THE truth. But it was the only one I could hear.

I had to enter another stage of my life before I started to see the truth and power of forgiveness and repentance. I began to see that to forgive was not to say their actions were okay, but that I wasn't going to allow their actions to hurt me anymore. I started to love myself, and with that love begin to see the truth about me, and only about me. I could no longer judge my abusers, that wasnt my job. Truth judged them. It wasn't my job to punish them, I wasn't the way to penance, because true pennace is an internal thing between a person and their conscious, or God. People don't get away with the things they do, even when it 'seems' like it. They have their own monsters, and those monsters are brutal. I had to forgive, not what was done to me but what I allowed to happen within me. I had to forgive myself. I had to see myself for 5he dirty, ragged, angry, hateful person I had become - because that person was hiding the kind, loving, giving, selfless person that I truly was behind all that pain.

So, I forgave her.  I forgave my monster, because I know understood what made her, what empowered her, and finally what would defeat her. I forgave my other monsters too, because I realized they were blinded by their own monsters and their fight wasnt mine.

Don't get me wrong. I forgave, but I did not forget. They couldn't see their own truth, so they were still monsters, and I had the responsibility to protect myself from them. My parents died without ever apologizing, reconciling, accepting the truth of the damage they caused, and I am okay with that, because I will not allow that to happen to me.

My monsters never repented. That was another word I didn't understand for many many years either. Repentance isn't feeling sorry for an action. After forginess (you can't repent for what you first don't acknowledge and forgive. We think we can, but that's not the truth. The definiton of repentance is to make reparations, to repair the damage caused by our actions. Saying sorry is only step two, and the beginning of repentance. Finding forgiveness isnt the end of a matter, but the beginning of repentance.

We make a lot of messes. We create a lot of pain. We are all monsters at times, and its up to US, not a parent, a therapist, a drug, a pill, a program, or even a prayer to fix the damage we caused, it's up to us. It's up to me when i realize I've done something to hurt someone else, to make it right. It's up to me to face that truth, forgive myself, and then go apologize (I don't apologize until ive forgiven, else its a lie), and then work on trying to make it better, to repair what I've broken. If its trust, i work harder to build trust. If it's anger, I try to work at the root disease that cauaed the anger, to help control it in the future.

Is the above the miracle cure and will solve all my problems and the problems of the people in my life? No. I can only forgive and repent for myself. I'm only one part of every relationship in my life.

Right now I'm having a real hard time with my youngest step-son. He's so angry and disrespectful that he pushes my buttons and patience beyond their maximum capacity. He is a monster. He has many monsters to deal with, and as much as I love him, I can't vanquish his monsters for him.  I didn't create the damage he's dealing with now, I've just come into his life these past couple of years, and those monsters run deep. But, I see the truth behind the pain. I see the beautiful soul inside. I see the man he can be. But he has to find forgivness and repentance on his own. He won't do that without truth, but right now all he hears are the lies, the same lies I heard ...being unloved, unwanted, damaged, etc. But their lies. He is deeply loved, wanted, and beautiful. I love him so much, and i HATE all the damaging and destructive things he's doing to himself and his family. I hate it so much, because I know it hurts him most of all. I will not accept his abuse. I'm fighting hard not to let it damage me, but that's hard and I fail somewhat everyday. Right now he hates me and believes I hate him, but I love him so much. I can't save him, but I'm going to keep fighting for him, whether he loves me or not, or hates me for it. I know his apologies mean nothing for now, because there is no acceptance of truth, but I am hopeful one day they will be authentic.

I'm also trying to fight against the monsters of his dad and brother, because I love them too. I can't teach them about forgiveness and repentance, it's a truth they will have to learn on their own. I just hope I can keep them both alive within me, and working in me.

Life is hard. Always. Love is worth the fight, and I love them all, just as God loves me.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

The Slavery Debate

Let me start this article with stating a fact, one that is going to change the perception of many of you who dare to read this article.  I am a white woman.  What do I know about slavery?

When the word 'slavery' is mumbled within our society today, it is almost ALWAYS associated with the African slave trade by the white Europeans of early America.  But that's only ONE faction, one truth, one piece of slavery, and it's not even the whole picture. Yet this one particular faction has rooted a segregated hate that is very prevalent in our current society, and continues to spread its anger and hate like a cancer through our youth with the access to social media - a place where that bias and hate is spread like a incurable disease.  However, I wish our  youth would use this amazing access via the internet to hunt for the truth and search history on their own.  But, most don't. It's too much work, requires too much time, and in this ADHD society, it costs too much focus.  It's easier to just listen to the lessons of more hate, more anger, and more division in our movies, music, videos, art, pop cultural, and political incorrect insensitivity.  It's easier to let others think for us and tell us what we feel, what we know, and what we should do about it. In ignorance, the issue of slavery has been relegated to racism, which in essence slavery has nothing to do with race.  YES, there was a race of slaves that were enslaved because of their race, but that doesn't make all slavery about race.  In truth, even THAT particular slavery was more about economics than race, yet the hate that was bred, nurtured, and spread came down to race - on both sides of the hate - and continues today in a generation that has never known slavery, only racism.  Lest we forget the millions of Native Americans that were marched out of their homes, across a harsh land in harsh conditions, dying daily along the Trail of Tears was a form of slavery too.

Slavery isn't a black or white issue.  Racism isn't really a black or white issue.  Hate isn't a black or white issue.  Hate is hate. To hate someone, belittle them, think them inferior or less human because of the color of someone's skin, because of their culture, because of their sex, because of their education, because of their status in society -  is simple ignorance. Ignorance breeds hate and fear, intolerance and indifference. Slavery is pure evil.  To own, to trade, or treat another human being as an object, as inhumane, as property, is wrong on EVERY level. To also turn a blind eye to it, is just as evil. Yet, we turn a blind to slavery everyday, often because we are too busy arguing with each other about our prejudice, intolerance, and privilege, or lack thereof.  While we are arguing about how 'unfair' life is -  there are child slaves working 15-20 hours a day in sweatshops and workhouses, there are young girls and boys being kidnapped from their homes and sold to the highest bidder to perverts, there are young girls being married off as young as five and six years old to old bastards, traded like pieces of property, and then raped and beat and expected to accept it as okay behavior, there are millions of women who are not allowed to speak, to be educated, to even be seen, raped and then stoned to death for being raped, and it is culturally accepted.  Yet, I don't see pop stars, rappers, actors, civil-rights activists, or political pundits out here fighting against this slavery. We think it's a problem 'over there'. Young Africans being kidnapped by their own people and sold to the highest bidding white European was at one time a problem 'over there'. Millions of Jewish people led to the gas chambers, stripped of all their dignity and humanity was a problem 'over there'.  A whole village of white Moldovian girls being kidnapped, drugged, beat, and sold to the highest pervert is a problem 'over there'.  A young woman being ganged-raped by a group of men being stoned to death in the streets for being raped is a problem 'over there'. Mexicans trying to escape to a better world and using their last peso to purchase their own enslavement from mules is a problem 'over there'.  Or is it? 

American's don't often realize how much goes on right here in their back yards.  Human trafficking is a big business, and our society would be shocked if they realized how many humans - black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, European, child and adult, are transferred through our safe American streets on a daily basis. We're too busy hating each other over an atrocity that happened a hundred years ago.  Yes, African slavery happened.  Yes, it was wrong.  But, what Black America seems to forget is that freedom came at a cost.  There was a high price paid for that freedom and that price was paid by people who believed what was happening was wrong  - and that included a LOT of white people.  Slavery isn't a race issue, it's a bondage issue.  Ignorant racists don't hate black people because they were slaves.  Ignorant racists hate black people because they're ignorant and believe they are superior by their white genetics.  Ignorant black people don't hate white people because their ancestors were enslaved, they hate white people because of the racists acts that have been inflicted upon them and by them.  My Jewish ancestors were slaves many times, but I choose not to hate Egyptians, Germans, Americans, or even Africans because of it.  I hate slavery, period. I hate intolerance, period.  I hate hate, period.

I hate when I hear white racists try to justify their hate.  I hate when I hear black racists try to justify their hate. I hate when either of them try to placate their hate in a joke.  I hate when they spew their bullshit in public and want a pat on the back for their stand - but what are they standing for? Civil rights activists that marched across those bridges were not ONLY black. Civil Rights isn't only a black issue, yet I am literally told almost on a daily basis how I don't belong or don't understand, or that I too am a racist because I'm white. No, it's because I call them on their bullshit. Suck it up whiny babies.  If you want to do something to change the hate, then get off your lazy whiny asses and start doing something.  There are programs and organizations out there in the world that are currently fighting against slavery.  BTW - our welfare system is another form of modern slavery.  It promises aide, but it comes with a cost. There are programs that are helping free and rescue victims of human trafficking going on TODAY. There are organizations out there fighting for women's rights around the world, not just here in the United States.  There are people of all color, sexes, and cultures DOING something about slavery besides spreading hate. If you're doing NOTHING about it, then shut up. Shut your hateful spoiled mouth. I don't want to hear your stupid angry songs about how 'unfair' life has been.  I'm angry about it NOW. I'm angry about what happened in the past, what's happening now, and what's going to happen in the future.  I have had nightmares hearing victims tell of their plights, learning how children are suffering today, knowing that when I put my head on my comfortable pillow at night they are in pain, alone, scared, and living in conditions I can't even imagine. I have looked into the eyes of a young girl that has been rescued from human trafficking and THAT is worth fighting for. I didn't care what color skin she had, only that she had been freed. I understand bondage more than you'd expect. I have lived in bondage, been beat, abused, raped, held captive and forced to do things I knew were wrong and didn't want to do, and I'm a white girl living in America. So, excuse me when I don't think your racist song or joke is funny, or when I get upset when I hear someone who had an opportunity to bring people together instead want to cause more division, more separation because they are 'angry' about unfairness.

Life is NOT fair, but ALL life matters.  Not white lives, black lives, blue lives, brown lives, yellow lives, animal lives, or sea life that matters.  ALL life matters. Slavery is wrong.  Hate is wrong. I don't need a religion or a law to tell me that it's wrong.   It's WRONG, period.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray