Crisis of Faith

I try to steer away from politics and religion on all social media forums… well, in life in general, because those are two topics, along with money, that destroy relationships, friendships, and any kind of ships really for that matter. It’s a hot topic. Well, I’m not here to debate any of it, just share with you a little crisis of faith I’m having of my own.

No point going into my history, just know that I had both religious and non-religious parts in my life. I became a Christian at 24 and served in the ministry for nearly 17 years. I don’t need a history lesson, nor am I about to give one. I just added that bit of information so you’d understand that what I’m talking about isn’t some idea I pulled off a meme somewhere or heard in passing. I take my faith very seriously. I think it’s probably the thing that broke my heart most when my life fell apart a few years ago.

I don’t have a problem with God, the concept of God, or really any of the teachings attributed to God. The people who claim to represent God, well, that’s another story and one I’m not getting into.

In my meditation this morning I was feeling angry, but I wasn’t quite sure who I was angry with. It could have been directed toward myself for having made a really stupid decision lately where I thought I was helping a friend, but instead was just enabling them to use me. I could have been angry at another friend that had lied to me and made me feel unwanted. I could have been angry at yet another friend that left me high and dry when I needed them most. I could have been angry at myself for being unable to make simple life decisions because I’m stuck, I’m in a numb place, a place of indecision and confusion. I could have been angry just because my pre-menopausal hormones have been going crazy the last few days and have made me want to crawl out of my skin. It could have been one of a million reasons, but as the tears bubbled in the corners of my eyes, it was toward God I directed my anger.

I’ve been reading a lot of religious and anti-religious meme’s lately. Not because I’m searching them out, but because many of my friends have been posting them in light of the Supreme Court decision to legalize gay marriage. I’ve seen them for both sides of the issue. I’m not going to debate that either. I’m not gay and I’m not married, so it’s really none of my business. The majority of these memes I know were meant to be inspirational, to give hope in a time of hardship and pain. But they weren’t. Instead they came off as condescending. Don’t tell me when I’m hurting so bad I can’t breathe that God has a plan for me – that He allowed me to go through this pain so that I can learn some proverbial spiritual lesson that’s going to make me a better person. Don’t tell me because something just became legal all the world is now rainbows and unicorns. FUCK that!!!! I’ll say it again, FUCK THAT!!! If you got a problem with my language, then you don’t need to read my stuff. I’m free to speak my mind – and my mind sometimes uses foul language.

God’s got a plan for my life? You, who thought the fucking world was flat a couple hundred years ago and crucify people daily for being different, thinking different, and believing different… have the right to tell me God has a plan for me? Don’t get me wrong, I believe GOD has a plan for me, but YOU think YOU know what it is, what I should do, how I should do it, or what I need to do to help God help me???? I don’t think so. FUCK THAT. And just because you don’t believe in God, don’t try to tell me I’m using my faith as a crutch and can’t think for myself. Both of you… get over yourselves and stop judging me because I might be different than you.

Shit happens, whether I’m good or bad, obedient or faithful. SHIT HAPPENS. I’ve had a lot of shit happen. Instead of sitting on your righteous high horses and telling me what you think you know of what GOD wants from me, for me, and about me… why don’t you just be real and tell me how you survived those low moments that happened in your life? Tell me how you picked up all your broken pieces and put them back together. I don’t want a magic solution, a supernatural fairy tale, an example of miraculous faith of God swooping down off his throne and showing favoritism because you mumbled a few magic words. Don’t tell me flowers and free love will solve all my problems.

What’s miraculous to me? Being able to love in the midst of such a cruel judgmental world, having hope for a brighter tomorrow, having the courage to chase a dream, having the guts to take a leap to follow my heart, having a compassion to love my neighbor in the middle of tension and hate. Stop telling me what God is doing FOR you, but what you’re doing for yourself, what you’re doing for your neighbor because you love them, not because your religion dictates you appear compassionate, or your lack of religion makes you appear intelligent and all-knowing. Show me your faith, what you truly believe with your actions, not your words, not your mouth, not your scripture, platitudes and memes. Some of the most cruelest people I ever met sat in a church pew or stood in a protest line holding a picket sign. Cruelty is on all sides of fundamentalism – whether conservative, liberal, gay, straight, black, or white.

I see god and enlightenment all the time in a touch, in a smile, in an act of kindness, tenderness, and compassion. Please, please, please for the love of all that is, stop trying to save me and just love me. If God is love, then love is what will heal me and help me. If love is your god, then show me that love. Just stop. It’s not YOUR job to save or enlighten me, only to love me. Let ME save ME. Let me learn what I need to know, because I’m the only one that can.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray