If I Had a Heart

This post is inspired by the theme song by Fever Ray from Vikings.

Lyrics:

This will never end
‘Cause I want more
More, give me more, give me more

This will never end
‘Cause I want more
More, give me more, give me more

If I had a heart I could love you
If I had a voice I would sing
After the night when I wake up
I'll see what tomorrow brings

If I had a voice I would sing

Dangling feet from window frame
Will I ever, ever reach the floor?
More, give me more, give me more

Crushed and filled with all I found underneath and inside
Just to come around
More, give me more, give me more

If I had a voice I would sing

The first time I heard this theme song it was the powerful music that touched me.  That constant and tribal thump of the bass line pulled at my deepest soul string, and my heart beat changed to keep in time with it.  It pulled me down into the depths of my own soul and stirred everything inside it… all the hope, all the love, all the pain, and all the despair.  All of it mixed together, swirling, swirling, swirling, deeper and deeper… ‘more, give me more, give me more. Dangling feet from window frame, will I ever, ever reach the floor?’  

That’s what my heart longs for… more.  But more of what?  At first I thought it was love.  Just like the song says, “If I had a heart I could love you.” It doesn’t say ‘would’, meaning having a choice… but ‘could’ as if incapable or unable. Love seems to be the most elusive thing for me to receive, yet what I tend to give more and more and more. I find it ironic.  When I first heard the scriptures that whatsoever a man sows, that also he would reap, I began to sow the things into my life, my world, and into others those things I wanted most for myself.  When I need encouragement, I give it to someone else. When I am hungry, I feed someone else.  When I am in need, I go out of my way to help someone else.  When I am lonely, I will provide company to someone else.  When I’m afraid, I will encourage someone else.  When I’m lost, I will lead someone else to somewhere I know.  But love… I give love to those who’ve hurt me, who’ve hate me, and who’ve reject me.  When I see a heart that has been broken and crushed, as mine has been so many times, I pour what love I have within me into them as much as I can.  For I am filled with love… love for myself, love for a broken and wounded world, because I am broken and wounded. 

For the longest time when I found myself in need, I would go without.  When I was lonely, my tears stained my pillow that no one ever saw, and hid my pain behind a smile.  When I was afraid, I’d wrap my arms around myself.  When I was lost, I wandered alone.  There’s two sides to that scripture… sowing and reaping.  I learned to sow, lived a life of sowing and giving and pouring into others, denying myself and carrying my cross, yet I had not learned how to reap, how to open myself to receive, let someone else sow into me, because I only knew how to be broken and crushed.

Our lives are filled with many dark nights, many storms, many battles, and many moments of pain, but joy comes with the morning. Let us see what tomorrow brings.  Be content, but never be satisfied.  Always strive for more, more and more.  Because this is life.  Living is surviving, rising, falling, and overcoming.  If I had a voice I could sing.  If you have ears to hear, then listen.  Hear what calls from the deep.  Forget the noise of the world above and allow yourself to fall into the depths and listen.

“This will never end, ‘cause I want more. More, give me more, give me more.”