Hey, You!

Many people think of their youth and long for the carefree days of childhood adventures, coming of age lessons, friends, and family.  I didn’t have that typical childhood, so I missed a lot. However, what I did have I keep locked in my heart as a valued treasure.  I’m discovering that not all is lost – because at forty-eight I’m getting to experience some of those things I missed, but with a little bit more wisdom and knowledge.  I had to grow up too fast, and now I am finally at a point in my life I can be carefree.  Well, MOSTLY carefree. I do have to be responsible, pay my bills, go to work, etc.  Let’s not get lost there.

I’m not in survival mode. I don’t need rescued and no one needs rescued.  My kids are grown and holding their own. I’m getting back to my life being about me.  These last several months have been hard, confusing, and scary, Oh, but Oh, so good.  Really good. My inner adventurer is getting to exercise her legs and revisiting all those hobbies I love so much, while my inner warrior is hitting the gym hard.  My inner nerd is fueling my brain. My inner writer is sharpening her pencils. My inner reader is smiling. My inner lover is feeling the music and getting out the candles.  Man, life is good.

I had conversation with Scott the other day that keeps rolling around in my mind.  There’s many parts of me, many personalities, but not in a multiple personality kind of way, yet …exactly in that kind of way.  I really believe to be whole in body, mind and soul, to be complete, and to be healthy – we need to make sure we don’t neglect any of those many parts of ourselves. Combined they make me who I really am. I’m not going to show all of them to everyone, but I should know and love them all in balance.  I want Scott to know ALL of me, and come to love ALL of me. I want to love ALL parts of him. I think this is how God meant it to be, not just in our love and relationship with Him, but in how we relate to each other.  I find the most painful parts in my life were in retrospect due to my severe neglect to different parts of myself, even bringing me to one of point of hating myself and wanting to die. But as I began to fight for me, to heal all the broken pieces of me, began to see myself and love myself, that’s when true happiness entered my life.  True peace. True love. I don’t want to share a broken, defeated, sick, version of myself to someone else – they deserve my best. I deserve my best. So, I fight hard every day to be MY best.

I look in that mirror, and say, “Hey, you … I love you today.”  I take that selfie and I share it, because I want to share a little love, a little happiness, a little joy, and a little light in such a cynical, dark, angry, and bitter world.  Call me self-centered, that’s okay. Because I am. I am completely centered on myself and it feels good. I have something beautiful to give and to share. So, if my vanity brightens one person’s day – mission accomplished.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray