True Devotion

*I am not defending or tearing down this book or movie.  This is about a conversation.*

I had another one of those deep, thought-provoking conversations with a good friend of mine this morning, this time it was on the subject of 50 Shades of Grey and the aspect of devotion. This in-depth enlightenment spawned from a meme that said, “Fifty Shades of Grey is romantic only because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.”

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My comment: “I agree… however, what I think most people miss about that whole story, because they’re fixated on the kinky sex (which I think is interesting), is the way Christian made Anastasia feel. That’s what women desire and why they love this story … a man in control, yet completely devoted. That’s desirable, no matter penthouse or trailer park. Unfortunately, there’s not much complete devotion these days, except from perverts, pedophiles and predators.”

His response: “There is devotion. But the women have to make the man feel that way. If you read the book, you will know there is a hint to this all across it that makes him devoted and madly in love with her. If you don’t have that connection right from the start, it is impossible for a man to show that kind of devotion. It’s kinda like that ‘love at first sight’ thing with a twist.”

My response: “I don’t think so, not at first. I think it’s only possible when trust is established. First sight is chemical and the birth of the fairy-tale dream, but devotion is developed along with trust. A woman’s devotion is given to a man she trust with her heart, mind and body. Trust isn’t automatic, but developed. That’s also very apparent in this book. As Anastasia learned to trust Christian, mostly through the BDSM (which is based on trust), she began to trust him with everything else, including her heart.”

His response: “Then you have never loved at first sight. I can tell you that within 5 minutes of meeting someone. I’ve been that devoted.”

My response: “Yes, I have. I didn’t think ‘love at first sight’ existed until it happened to me.”

His response: “So, your statement is incorrect, based on your experience.”

My response: “No, because devotion never manifested in that relationship because of a lack of trust. Not because of anything he did, but because of trust issues deep-seeded in myself, combined with the fact the love was unrequited. I understand devotion. I spent 20 years of my life devoted to a man who didn’t love me out of principle. So, I do believe in devotion, just not complete devotion without trust.”

His response: “Sorry for you. Hard life you had.”

My response: “Nah, it just hasn’t been my time yet. I didn’t know my last love existed before I met him, so I have hope that my next love is out there somewhere and I’ll meet him someday, and I’ll be glad, even if I have him for only one night like the last man completely devoted to me. I’ve had my Christian Grey, that’s how I know such devotion exists when trust is developed. I just lost him, that’s all.”

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So what do you believe? Do you believe a man can be completely devoted at first sight? Or do you believe that while he may be attracted at first sight, the true devotion becomes stronger as the trust between the couple grows? One thing I know, if you don’t trust someone, you won’t be totally devoted to them. You’ll hold back a part of yourself out of self-preservation.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Romance - Wherefore Art Thou?

I’m not a big reader of romance.  I’d like to say it’s because I find the genre lacking in any real substance or literary acclaim, but that wouldn’t be the truth.  I know several romance writers who are wonderfully talented and their skills are quite evident in all their work.  So, I have to ask myself why I have such an aversion for the genre.  I believe the answer is a sad, but simple one – because I don’t know romance personally.

Being 42-years old, it’s hard to believe that a woman, a beautiful woman at that, has never really experienced romance.  Unfortunately, it’s true.  The part to this tale that’s even sadder is that I believe I’m a very romantic person.  So, for those shaking their heads in disbelief let me try to explain.

Through life circumstances in my youth, I didn’t get to really enjoy a dating period. This is often where most people experience their first samples of romance.  I wasn’t ignorant of it and saw it all around me; I just didn’t get to participate. At twenty-four I met my best friend who soon became my husband and father to our children.  He was a good man, one I will always love and respect, but he wasn’t a romantic and we didn’t have what would be considered a romantic marriage.  Even before we were married he told me, “I did all that romantic stuff like buy flowers, write poems, and be silly before with other women, but it didn’t work.  So, why bother with it?”  Over the twenty years we were married he never bothered.  He tried on occasion, but it fell flat and felt awkward because it was a forced effort, not a desired one. He told me on several occasions, “It’s better to be best friends than be romantic. Romance fades, but friends last forever.”  He wasn’t the first to say that to me, nor was he the last. I seemed to be cursed with finding myself always in the proverbial ‘friend zone’. Many of current friends are men who will only ever see me as a good friend, yet fall romantically in love with other women.  I often wonder what those other women have that I don’t. 

It is said that a writer’s best work happens when they draw from experience and from elements they intimately know. I can’t write romance.  I tried last year during the NaNoWriMo.  I actually finished the 65,000 word novel, but it’s severely lacking, because I couldn’t simply write a decent kissing scene (kissing is something else I’ve little experience).  I’ve since tried my hand at erotica, and I have to say I’ve written a few good pieces, but even in that there’s a small disconnect.  I would never pursue or write it professionally. 

Whether you like Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James or hated it, there was something in it that my soul cried out for and was desperately thirsty to drink, and it had nothing to do with BDSM or sex at all.  As I read it, the editor within me wanted to get out my red pen, but the woman in me cried inside the whole time.  Christian and Anastasia had me at their first email exchange.  There’s a lot the story lacks, but there’s an underlying current that resonates with women… women like me.  We want - no, we need to feel wanted, loved and desired. Respect is wonderful.  Trust is a must.  We are more than just wives, mothers and partners.  We are women, sexual beings, intelligent, loving and nurturing. 

I can understand how and why the romance genre is as large as it is, even if I still don’t connect with the stories myself.  I have to believe that one day I’ll meet someone who still believes in romance and will share their romantic feelings with and for ME.  I’m foolish enough to believe I deserve to be the girl of their affections.   

Someday.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray