Expectations

I wish there were no bad days or bad news.  I wish everything always worked out and the plans we’ve made for ourselves go off without a hitch.  I wish everyone loved everyone and that dreams really do come true.  There are a lot of things I wish, and I’ve learned over the years I’ve built those wishes into expectations.  When those expectations fail to be met, I then become overwhelmed with disappointment, depression and despair. 

What do I do about that?  What can I do?  Do I never dare to dream or wish again?  Do I stop expecting the unexpected?  Of course not, but that’s easier said than done and vice versa. 

Life sucks sometimes and it certainly isn’t fair.  It always seems as if chaos and karma target me personally more than anyone else, and as long as I am self-absorbed and wallowing in my despair, that’s all I can see.  I KNOW, I’ve been stuck there for some time now.  However, I’m beginning to look around me, take notice of other people’s pain, other people’s disappointments, and other people’s despair and expectations.  This evaluation doesn’t erase mine or take away the real pain and fear I constantly feel, but it does help me realize …I’m not alone. 

My depression lies to me and tells me I’m on my own, but I’m not.  I’m so thankful for the friends who have stuck by me, with me, and beside me through this time, because I’m beginning to realize just how much of a ‘downer’ I’ve been.  Yes, I’ve been hurt and afraid.  Watching those I really love and care about around me also hurting, makes me realize how much they’ve really been there for me and put up from me.  I feel so helpless to their situations, but I’m filled with compassion because I truly understand how they feel and know what they’re going through.  I only hope and pray I can be even the tiniest bit the friend they’ve been to me. I love them dearly.  I appreciate them more than I could ever express. 

Do I still have expectations?  YES, even greater ones.  I don’t have the facts and figures, the studies, the charts, or the evidence, but I have faith in myself and in my friends.  No matter what happens in this world and what we all have to go through, whether good or bad, the love we have for each other is really the only thing that truly matters.  Money, success, romance, fame, achievement, or status doesn’t mean anything without having people you care about share your life with you – and you share your life with them.  Their love for me and my love for them is truly where I draw strength and find the courage to live – to live fully.  I’m beginning to understand… our love for one another is truly where God lives, at least the God to which I believe.

We only get a short period in this world.  Life is too short to waste it being angry, disappointed and hurt.  Help me keep my focus on the love and friendship I have – and you know what… I will make it, I will survive and I will LIVE life to the fullest.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Inner Child

Inner Child

I had a sweet conversation with my best friend yesterday, and she mentioned that sometimes when people go through some sort of tragedy in their life, they often stay at the emotional age when that tragedy occurred.  I’ve heard something like that before, but I always just brushed the idea to the side, not really identifying with the statement, relating emotional age with the maturity level.  So, the concept never added up for me.  I’ve since been informed that emotional age and emotional maturity are two different things.  Most often kids who’ve been abused are highly mature, highly functional, and highly intelligent, yet often emotionally naïve.  Now, THAT I understand.

In my defensive way, I made a joke out of the statement.  It’s what I do when I hear things that I don’t want to think about or want to deflect. Though I never just right out ignore anything.  When I hear something, I hear it.  I may not respond immediately, but I will respond. I like to think things through, weigh them, measure them, and work them out through my own understanding.  The joke I made was about my emotional age would then have to be about 4-years old.  My friend didn’t laugh.  Instead she says, “I can see that.”

Now, I almost got offended, because in my understanding I took it to mean she thought I was immature.  She elaborated and said to me, “You have a part of you that still believes in fairy tales, slaying dragons, knights in shining armor, superheroes, and happily-ever-afters.”  I wanted to argue with her and immediately thought what she said was idiotic and ridiculous.  I didn’t believe in fairy tales.  I know they’re not real.  I live in the real world, feel the real pain, and face real consequences.  But, I realized my friend was right.  I do still believe in those things.  I still believe in heroes.  They may not wear a cape and hide behind a pair of glasses, but they do exist.  I do still believe in valiant knights, brave men who go out to slay dragons in defense of their love, their country, or their family.  I do believe still in happily-ever-after though I don’t see examples of it every day, nor has it ever been a part of my life, but I know it’s there… I just have to find it.     

I’m so thankful today that inside me there lives an inner child, a little four-year old girl, believing in the fantastical.  More than anything, I hope she continues to cling to those dreams and beliefs and never lets them go. The world needs them. I need them.  I need her.

What is your emotional age?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray