Rock Your Own World

I love to be told I’m beautiful. I love to be looked at with admiration and desire. I love to be appreciated and cherished. Nothing is tenderer and sexier to me than a man I admire staring me in the eyes, gently moving a strand of hair from my face, and me being able to see admiration staring back at me. I love whispered adorations and butterflied crushes. They are the ULTIMATE erotic moments. Well, I’m going to add an awesome head massage to that list. However, I don’t need any of it. I like it, I crave it sometimes, but I don’t need it to feel good about myself. Why? I rock my own world.

I take a lot of selfies, not because I’m narcissistic, but because I genuinely love myself. It took me a long time to get there. And it was a long, hard journey.  I’m not self-absorbed or shallow.  I’m probably the deepest thinking person I know. I’m not spoiled and pampered.  But, if you just met me, you don’t know my story or what a HUGE deal it is for me to take a simple picture. There are no pictures of me for MOST of my life up until the last few years. I didn’t take pictures of myself and others didn’t take pictures of me either. Why should they? I didn’t love myself, so how could I expect them to love me? I didn’t. They didn’t. 

I had a reckoning with God and with myself. It wasn’t a pretty process. It was filled with facing a lot of shame, a lot of anger, and a lot of hurt. But, I faced it – and the other side is stunning. I grow more beautiful everyday – regardless if anyone else agrees or not. Their opinion really doesn’t matter to me. I grow more graceful with every new strength, every new accomplishment, and every new selfie.  My smile is genuine because I am genuinely happy.  Yes, I have some hard moments, sad moments, and painful moments, but even still – I’m happy because I’ve learned to rock my own world.

I’ve learned that nobody else can love me the way I have learned to love me. I’ve been with ME my whole life, and I will be with ME until I die. I’ve seen and experienced everything I’ve been through. There are no secrets, there are no surprises. I know every failure, weakness, success, and strength.  I know every shameful moment, low moment, proud moment, embarrassing moment, and every joyous moment.   When I look in the mirror, I smile because I LOVE the woman looking back at me. I’m proud of her. I respect her. She is a survivor and a rock star. I know about her fears and her sacrifices, and I’ve watched her face death and rejection a million times, and a million times she stood back up.  She has been abused and unloved by the world for most of her life, but she didn’t give up and still fights every day.  She’s honest – woefully and painfully honest, and that is beautiful.

Someday her hope is she will find a partner to share all the wonder that she is, who will love her just as much as I do, and who will rock her world …or not.  She’s already got me. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

The Importance of Setting Goals

I just can’t do it. I can’t be the kind of person that lives by the seat my pants and plan to have a bat in my hand to take a swing at all the objects life wants to throw at me. YES, there will always come an unexpected obstacle, and we should ALWAYS be ready and willing to be spontaneous, but that doesn’t mean we don’t set goals for ourselves or design an outline to help control the direction we walk.

All life is chaos.  It’s fluid, it’s moving, it’s modifying, it’s ever-changing, and most of all it’s full of drama.  Not matter how much we protest, we can’t remove drama.  However, by the goals we set, by the structure we build around our lives, we sure as hell can have an effect on the kind of drama we attract and deal with on a daily basis. I touched fire.  I got burned. There’s a scar. I touched it again, and got burned again, and it left another scar. While I don’t completely remove fire from my life, I now know better than to touch it again. I won’t live my life without fire. But, I also don’t let fire trap me or burn me up anymore.  I am born of fire. It’s a part of my soul. I’m just learning how to control it better.  Can I get burned again? Absolutely, but it won’t be because I reached out for it.

I love goals. I love having aspirations and dreams.  The spirit woman that lives within me – she’s dances in the sand with her bare feet, she lifts her arms to worship the sun and moon, she bathes in their light and warmth, she closes her eyes and sees the beauty of all that God has done in, around, and through her, she breathes life, and to her NOTHING is impossible.  Freedom isn’t free. Peace isn’t given. Hope isn’t alive without first being planted and watered and harvested. Love – love has so many colors, so many valves, so many branches, and so many facets like a diamond. Health must be maintained. Prosperity isn’t guaranteed but must be pursued with passion.

I am so blessed because I can reach unimaginable heights of peace, love, success, health, and imagination and I don’t need drugs, alcohol, sex, or another person’s attention or money in order to reach them. I’ve never been a drug or people user.  My drug is love – life. I’m not blind to the evil of this world, I’ve often been its victim, but I don’t strive to escape the pain or dull my senses so I don’t have to feel, or separate myself to try and protect myself from getting hurt again. I’m not a coward. I’m sorry, but I believe with my whole heart people who use drugs, money, sex or people are COWARDS.  No – I fight like hell to rise above it, to heal from it, and to learn. The heartbreak I’m going through right now, I choose to face ALL the pain, so I can heal.  I face all the uncertainty of every day. I have no security but myself.  So, I understand the importance of setting goals. I have dreams that I want to make a reality. I have responsibilities that I need to fulfill.  I’m a grown ass woman and I face my own problems and I take care of my own responsibilities and bills. I’ve got my shit together.

I was angry and greatly hurt from the neglect I received from my last relationship, but the person I was angry at most was myself - because I neglected ME.  I set my dreams and needs aside, ignored my goals and wants, and drowned in the despair that followed allowing the toxic darkness to consume me. Love wasn’t enough.  I got lost.  I misplaced that girl with her all-consuming fire.  But, I’ve found her again - and together we dance under the moonlight, and in the sun, and in the rain, and the spirit wind moves all around us.  My biggest goal is to never lose her again. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray