What do I really want?
I don’t know. I don’t have a clue. I have an idea of what I want, but I
know more of what I don’t want than what I do.
So, I guess that begs to differ and I must ask myself, “What do I need?”
I don’t think I know the answer to that question either. What I think I need, may be a combination of
what I want, but only after a situation or a relationship ends to I realize if
it supplied me with what I needed. Most often failure occurs because I didn’t
get what I needed.
So, what does anyone need?
Our bodies need food, exercise, and healthy activity to be active and
strong. Our minds need stimulation. Our soul needs purpose. Our hearts … need
love. But, how do we get it? How do we find out what is enough, what is right,
what is beneficial? What a conundrum.
I seem to learn this by trial and error, and frankly I’m
sick of the errors. I tired of getting
hurt. I’m tired of never being enough, or being too much, or falling off of tall
pedestals. I’m tired of being rejected, cheated on, used, lied to, or ignored. Most
of all … I’m tired of sacrificing my wants and needs to try and love someone
else and fulfill their wants and needs.
So, what do I want? I
simply want to be loved, to be respected, and to be wanted. I’d give the world
to any man who could truly give those things to me. But he can’t be a mess. I am not going to
give him a mess. I’m going to give him my best. I know this – because I always
do, it’s who I am. My man gets my heart,
my hopes, my dreams, my time, my focus, my support, as well as my body, my
smile, and the best part of everything I have.
So, I want no less in return. If
a man doesn’t have his shit in order, his house in order, his emotions in
order, his heart in order – please don’t come knocking on my door. The BEST give anyone can give to another
person is the best of themselves.
I’m not saying this to say they have to be rich and/or
successful. I am not materialistic in the least. I’m really simple. But there are a few things
they should be.
1.
They should be free of other emotional
attachments. Men should not be in a relationship with someone else and
hitting me up. If you haven’t been on
your own, severed the ties with your exes, and your heart is open to be devoted
to me – leave me the hell alone. I will not be your backup plan, your second
choice, your distraction, your rebound, or you side chick. Nope. Hell No. Uh-Uh! I’m a lady. I am open, honest and I
have thick ass walls because I’ve been lied to and cheated on with men who
still clung to an ex, or had some other woman on the side feeding their ego, or
being that back up support. I am not
into polyamorous relationships. There are women out there that are, go hit them
up, but lose my number and don’t bother.
2.
They
should be able to support themselves.
I’m ALL for chasing dreams, but you better have made provisions for
yourself to chase those dreams. I don’t
care what size house you live in, what kind of car you drive, etc. I honestly, really don’t care. But, be able to support yourself. Be responsible enough that you have a roof
over your head and food to eat, and have reliable transportation to get from
point A to point B. I’m not your Sugar Momma
– nor will I be. I take care of myself and pay my own bills. I will NOT take care of a man. Have a steady job. Have a steady income. If you can’t support yourself or keep a job,
you’ve got no business being in a relationship. Help yourself FIRST before you
bring someone else down.
3.
They
should have a dream of their own and be supportive of mine. I don’t care
how big or how small, but have something to love, something you’re passionate
about and working toward. Have a
purpose, a goal, a desire for something that drives you. It could be your job, your hobby, or you
playtime. But, if you’re depressed and
lost and spend most of your time on a couch binge-watching Netflix, going
through the motions and avoiding life – please don’t even look my
direction. I have a lot of passion,
drive, energy and desires, and that’s often attractive to people who don’t. But what happens in those types of unbalanced
relationships is I get drained – because these types of men don’t pour back the
same energy into me. Want to get to know me – let’s go do something, get
outside, explore something together, go kayaking, go hunt down a historical
site, go search for seashells on the beach, etc. I love to cuddle. I love to snuggle and watch
a movie together – but not every single time.
It happens time and time again – and my dreams get put on hold, or
ignored, or unfulfilled. No lie. EVERY dream I have achieved – I’ve had to do
it alone. EVERY DAMNED ONE OF THEM. I
have helped many people reach for their dreams, but I’ve never had even the
slightest support for mine. Yeah, they
SAY … good luck, go for it, you’re good at that, Babe … but when I win an
award, get a contract, speak at a conference, do an interview, go to a signing,
go kayaking, jump from a plane, raft down a river, climb a mountain … I am
alone.
So, I don’t need anyone. I’ve been able to navigate this
world on my own. I motivate myself. I am disciplined and determined. I have
loved deeply and not loved in returned. I have given my best, but have not
received it in return. I have trusted
and been betrayed. Here I am again – being told almost on a daily basis that I’m
so beautiful, so inspirational, so desirable, yet I’m intimidating, out of
their league, and deserving of someone so much better – or I don’t fit their
mold. They want a party girl, or arm
candy, or a care giver. So, what hope do
I have? What I have is walls – high, thick, walls. I’m scared to even talk to
anyone about anything deep or important, because who can carry this heaviness
with me? I carry it alone. I’m great at
conversation, but it must stay in the shallow waters.
Someone recently told me they think I really want to be
alone …and they may be right. Not because I don’t WANT someone in my life, but
because I don’t trust I won’t get hurt. Again,
they may be right. To reach me will take time, patience, and a lot of love –
and honestly – I haven’t seen that in this fast-paced, gotta have it my way right
now society. It’s too easy to just leap
to the next easy thing when things get complicated with a simple swipe to the
right.
Yet – I still have hope there is someone out there that will
be my balance, which will be strong enough and brave enough to handle all of
me. Do I have faith? No. But, I have
hope. God help them, but I do believe my warrior is out there somewhere. I just
pray my eyes will be able to see him, and my heart will be able to recognize him
when I meet him. When I do find him, I
have so much love to give – a love that is deep, and faithful, and true, and
honest, and wild, and passionate. God
help him.
