New Year Resolutions 2020

It’s that time of year again.  For those who don’t make resolutions this post may be just what you need to read. For those who do make them, maybe this will help you. In Forrest Gump fashion, “That’s all I’ve got to say about that.”

Resolutions for me are promises I make to myself and no one else.  Many, many, many changes have happened in my life due to the resolutions/promises I’ve made in the past – so for ME, they work. I think they work for me, because I take promises and vows very seriously, and these are promises to me, to my heart, and to my soul, and they deserve my best.

So, what are my resolutions this year?

1.     Let the past go, live in the moment, and start focusing more on the future.

I realized I had been holding tightly to some past hurts and deep rooted pain.  This was pain I thought I had dealt with, but had only managed to bury.  I needed to see it. I needed to feel it.  It came out while having one of those very rare, deep, open conversations with someone – where you talk about shit you didn’t even know you needed to talk about; that heavy shit. It was so heavy, it cost me a relationship, and I’m so sad about that, but I’m not sad it happened.  It needed it to happen. I needed to see it. I needed to face it.  It was a godsend that it happened when it did. 

2.     Let my feet be quick to walk away and my mouth be swift to say, “No.” - it’s not my job to save the world.

I have patterns and I need to start paying close attention to those patterns. One of those patterns is always being there to lend a helping hand, always being someone that sees the needs in others and forgets that I have needs as well, because I will compromise to meet their wants and needs.  I’m not God. I’m not Jesus. I may be Supergirl, but my cape is ripped, my boots are torn, and there’s Kryptonite in the marrow of my bones.  It’s not my job to save the world anymore, and there’s no one to save me.

I love people, especially the people in my inner circle.  But, I tend to gravitate toward the lonely, the broken, the damaged, the hurting, and the forgotten – because that’s how I feel.  I love people the way I want to be loved. I invest in people the way I want to be invested into, and I see people the way I would want to be seen.  BUT – it doesn’t happen that way.  They don’t love me, they don’t invest into me, and they don’t see me   - they don’t even see themselves – and I know that, but I have had this foolish notion that my love would be all they need and it would show them the way. 

So, my resolution this year, No - a vow to myself, is to invest in ME, love ME, and see ME.  My heart wants to help others– but my mind is ready to fight this round this year. I’ve put on my running shoes, picked up my shield, and in order to protect myself I have readied my feet to be quick to walk away from these certain types of people and let my mouth be swift to say, “No.”  I have to put me first. I’ve been broken and my soul has been crushed, and I won’t be one damned bit of good to someone else until I’ve healed. This isn’t going to be easy for me, but I know it’s what I need to do. For those I walk away from – you’re just going to have to forgive me. If you can’t – I’m sorry.

3.     Dust off my Adventure List and start ticking off some more of those boxes.

If you’ve known me for any certain of time, then you have heard about my Adventure List – a list of Adventures that I want to do or experience before my time expires on this earth, or I get to old or feeble to complete them.  To some, they call it their ‘bucket list’, but I believe life should be one series of adventures after the next.  I started my Adventure List – and then I put others’ needs before my own and my List has been collecting dust. THAT is the only thing I am ashamed of these past few years. I had made a promise to myself, and looking back over the past 4 years, I’ve realized I have neglected that promise. If someone comes into my life – they MUST care about me enough to help me fulfill my dream, not ask me to choose between them. THIS is part of that anger I’m feeling.  I’ve never come first – it seems …not even from myself.  I have a lump in my throat right now because this is one of those bitter truths I’ve had to face – I never come first, MY wants and needs have never been put first.

I’m dusting off and going to update my list over the next few months – you’ll probably see a bunch of blog posts  about it as I start to tick off those boxes, and I’m shifting my focus – have already shifted my focus – to fulfilling my adventures.  Getting Anthony shipped off to the Navy is at the top.

4.    Live ALONE. 

My door is no longer open to ANYONE.  I’m sorry – but I can’t do it anymore. I’ve literally given up my privacy, my space, my life, my room, my time, my goals  - to provide and take care of the needs of others.  My children are grown and capable of taking care of themselves. I’m in no committed relationship with anyone. My door is not open. My sign reads: “No Vacancy”.  The next time I live with someone will be because I have made a vow to share my life with someone, and I don’t see that ever happening. If I have a friend in need, I will work hard finding them somewhere ELSE to go, but it will not be with me.  I’m done taking care of the world. My dog Bella is the only being that will live with me. I don’t want a roommate. I want peace. I want space. I want my fortress of solitude. 

5.    Write More

6.    Play More Music

7.    Read More

8.    Paint More

9.    Explore More

10.                Laugh More

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Breaking Point

We all have a breaking point and sometimes I wonder if I don't teeter on the edge of that point all the time. I'm starting to fear my decisions the last couple years have been a form of underlying self-destruction - instead of cutting to see if I bleed, I make life choices that leave me constantly bleeding.

Though I'm surrounded by people who claim to love me, I am lonely. I don't feel loved. I feel neglected, unwanted, abused, used, and preyed upon. So, why are they here? Because they need me. Once their need is met, I know deep in my heart they will leave me - just as they have before and will again .This I am assured.

So, why don't I just walk away? Because, It's not for them, but for that little girl inside that was neglected, forgotten, abused and needing someone to care, someone to hear me silently screaming behind a friendly smile, praying and begging for someone to save me. No one saved me. I had to save myself. I never want anyone else to ever feel like no one cares and no one will help where and when it's needed. It's why I have given so much of my life taking care of other people, feeding the hungry, helping the sick, giving what I can. I don't want to be the pious priest blinded to the wounded. I want to be the Samaritan who stops.

But being the Samaritan isn't easy and I find quite painful. The moral stories always have a good ending, much like a Hallmark, Disney or Lifetime movie. But real life isn't like that. There is rarely a good outcome for the sacrifices we make for others. It cuts. It hurts. It is unappreciated. It is lonely, very, very lonely.

It's like lying next to the man you're madly in love with, your soul mate, your balance, your heart, and have them not want or love you back, not want to touch you, not want to hold you, not want to lift you up, encourage you, or let you know they want, respect, love and desire you. That's cruelty to the deepest cut. Who needs real blades when emotional ones are amply available?

 I'm a fool. I believe in fairy-tale love. I give the kind of love and devotion I want to receive. I give respect like I want to be respected. I hope for the best. I see with eyes of good potential, but judged for the smallest of weaknesses and failures.

I'm sick. Im hurting and I don't really think anyone cares. That little girl deep inside is screaming again. I hear her, but I don't know how to save her because I'm the one hurting her. I think I'm past my breaking point and I'm free-falling. It's no one else's fault, but mine.

I don't want to learn this lesson. I've prayed for help, but I feel those prayers are silenced. The cost is my heart. I feel it growing harder and colder every day and I keep waiting for the warrior in me to rise up and defend her, but I don't.  I'm too broken to fight back. I've gone too long stressed out. I'm so sick of crying. I'm tired of trying. My hope is all used. My faith is exhausted. So I lay next to my love and slowly die inside.

--.T. L. Gray

Goodbye, My Friend

What is a friend?  Friendship is love, about love, and requires love on some level to be experienced, to be shared, or to be real between two people.  There are different levels of friendship, just like there are different levels of love, and like love, we can get very hurt or disappointed when we set expectations and a level of devotion that isn’t met by our partner.  Also like love, we throw the word “friend” around so freely and misuse it on a grand scale. Someone always coming to you with their hands out, with dramatic problems for you to solve, or with an emptiness they’re trying to fill with drugs, drama, or sex but never give back, those are not friends… those are vampires who will never be there when/if you ever need them. Yet some of us give so much of ourselves to these vampires and often neglect our real friends as we get caught up in the drama.

I’ve been hurt recently by someone I considered a very close, intimate friend.  The pain I feel isn’t all their fault, it’s half mine. Their level of devotion wasn’t in the same place as mine, therefore I set expectations they could not meet, and I got hurt at the realization I wasn’t valued at the same level I valued them. We’ve all been there.  We’ve all been at that place where we’ve invested our hearts into someone, to discover they haven’t in turn invested their heart back into you.  The first thing we usually do is wonder what’s wrong with us that the love we gave wasn’t enough, or wasn’t returned, but that’s the wrong mindset to have and often leads to depression and issues of self-esteem. Half, 50% is not about you, or about them, but about both.  As with love, it takes TWO people to make a successful relationship or friendship work, or fail.

So, what do I do when the friend that I’ve loved so much, gave so much, invested so much, and tried so hard and no matter what I did, they just couldn’t love me back, didn’t give me the time of day, or doesn’t even care whether I’m dead or alive? Do I turn to the dramatic antics to get their attention? No, I just remember the beautiful qualities of the friend I fell in love with in the first place, and simply walk away.  And I don’t do that for them, but for me because of who I am as a person.  I can let my hurt turn into anger and try to hurt them back, and believe me there’s a part of me that wants to do exactly that, but the love I have for them is real and hurting them back is not an act of love. I remember the person I am, the person I look at in the mirror every day, the person I love most and am very proud of their growth and maturity.  I love that woman that looks back at me in the mirror, whether she’s looking at me with a huge smile on her face or with tears in her eyes. In all truth – THAT is my best friend.

This morning, with tears in my eyes, I look at that beautiful woman in the mirror and I tell her how much “I” love her, how proud of her “I” am, how much “I” appreciate her, how much “I” value her, how beautiful I think she is as a person.  Then, as any best friend would do when they see their friend in pain, I tell her, ‘Fuck that asshole! They’re the dumbest mother-fucker in the world if they can’t value you, because I know you, and I know you gave your best, and they won’t find anyone more devoted, more honest, or more giving than you. They don’t deserve you. You deserve to be treated better. They are the one that lost something beautiful today. You keep your head up, Chica, because you gave your whole heart.  You walk away with your integrity intact.  Wish them well, because you love them, but you keep walking because you love yourself too and you deserve friends that love you back, that value you, that care about you, and that deserve you.

And that is that.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Falling in Love... Day One

I’m on a quest.  It’s the greatest quest of all. It’s one I’ve accomplished before, and one I know I can and will accomplish again.  I want to fall in love.  I want to be excited about life, thrilled about all the great possibilities that lay ahead for me every day.  I want to see the beauty in everything around me because I’m looking through eyes of beauty, eyes that know love, feel love, and exude love.  That can only happen if I’m filled with love.  So, I’m on a quest to fall in love again… with myself.

As much as chemistry is important, the major factor of falling in love is a state of heart and mind.  Opening our minds and hearts, or also closing them, to the concept and acceptance of love is the beginning of any relationship.  If we are empty of love, we cannot give what we do not possess.  We then become vampires, because we have a need inside, a hole desperate to be filled, so we seek love from others around us, sucking the life out of them to feed that need, only to discover after we’ve drained them dry, the hole is still there.  That’s the thing about holes…  unless their patched, bottoms sewn together, mended, or sealed, everything that goes into them, drains right out the other end.

I used to be so angry at vampires, because they’re so fucking selfish. They’re so self-centered, desperate, needy, they don’t consider the damage they do to their victims.  They just need the blood, the love, and so they take, and take, and take, like a junkie using everyone in their life to get their next fix. They don’t “mean” to hurt anyone, but their disease controls them. A vampire’s need for blood controls them. They use, manipulate, lie and suck those that possess any love dry of that love, and then discard them, push their empty shells out of their lives, and then move onto their next victim.  And most often, these demons don’t realize they’re the vampire, destroying all the relationships in their life. Most see themselves as the victim, and most often at one time they were by another vampire.

I don’t want to be a vampire. I could very well become one. I have a huge hole in my heart, and it’s been bleeding for a while now. I can feel it turning more and more into stone day by day. I was recently so in love, probably the most in love I’ve ever been in my life. The world wasn’t magically perfect, and all my dreams didn’t come true, and all my problems didn’t disappear. On the contrary, loving this man pushed me so far outside my comfort zone and magnified the difficulties this cruel world has to offer. He’s a mess. He’s complicated. He’s damaged. He came with a lot of baggage.  Yet, I would light up just to hear his voice, my stomach pitched with butterflies when I stared into his beautiful eyes, and the peace I felt when he held me calmed the deepest storms inside. He had nothing to offer me, and that meant nothing to me, because I had the greatest thing of all… love. He was my soulmate. I was so deeply, madly, crazy in love and that made me happy.  I didn’t just fall in love with him, but everything that came with him. I know he loved me too, because I felt it.

I still don’t understand what happened, and I suppose now it really doesn’t matter. I may never know or may never understand why I lost that love, but I can’t allow the loss of it to turn me into a vampire. I LOVE the woman I am. I have worked hard to become her, and she is the woman that I cannot lose, refuse to lose, and will fight to keep. 

So, here I am. One of the things I learned from all the marriage counseling and couples workshops I participated in trying to save my marriage, is that all relationships require constant work.  ALL relationships, and that includes the one I have with myself.  In essence, THAT relationship is the most important one of all. How I love myself is the key to loving other people, it effects EVERY relationship in my life.

So, to my first love, my deepest love, Tonya… I see you and I love you.  I love your unending hope. I love the way you see the best in people, look beyond their weaknesses and imagine their greatest potential. I love how you defend the defenseless, and go out of your way to put a smile on someone else’s face, especially when you’re crying inside and just want to die.  I love how you would give up your lunch money to make sure someone else didn’t go hungry.  I haven’t forgotten the time you gave away a dress you saved MONTHS to buy to a stranger. Or how you opened your home to a pregnant woman who had nowhere to go. Even in the darkest of times, you always fought to protect, to save, even knowing you would pay the greatest of prices.  I will never, never, never forget the sacrifice you made to save a little girl from the hell you lived.  No one else knew the price you paid, but I remember, and I love you for it.  No one ever tells you thank you, hell, they don’t even remember you, most don’t even know your real name. You gave your gifts, your talents, your love, your support, and everything you had without hesitation and no one cared. I do. I care. I know your deeds, and most of all I know your intentions, I know the motivations of your heart, and you are precious.  Those are the very words God said to you, “you are precious.” Never forget them.  

So, in my quest to fall in love again with myself, I am going to keep reminding myself of the person I am, and see the virtues that I believe make me beautiful, and I’m going to do this every day until I can fill that hole, ease that pain, and feel loved once more.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Moving Forward

“Life is fluid, ever-changing, filled with both joy and despair, love and heart-break, it's evolutionary and quite contradictory.”

That’s how I started the essay for my online dating profile. I can honestly say, not many of the men who respond get what I’m saying, but I didn’t expect them to understand. 99.9% are responding to my pictures only and never even bother to read the essay. I’m not complaining because I understand society on a whole and men for the most part. BTW, I read all the essays.

Men are very visual creatures. They will convince themselves how they feel sometimes exclusively based on what they see. They can lie to themselves of their attraction, love, or lack of both depending on their partner’s exterior beauty or flaws. This visual addition is what makes a man overlook his morals and common sense, and in his own lack of confidence and self-esteem, and find himself fawning for a cheap despot and push a beautiful soul into the dreaded friend’s zone.  They honestly desire that beautiful relationship with a soul mate who will respect them, want them, and bring out all the good qualities of being a man, much like they receive from the friend, but they go about it all the wrong way because they try to find those things outward-inward, instead of inward-outward, and end up with a long history of abusive, selfish, and soul-less women. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of women who do the same, but it’s not as common, because the very base instinct of a woman is to nurture and love and see beyond the physical. Well, for most women anyway. There are some women so comfortable with using people because they have that outward beauty, have never had a good solid relationship, they don’t have that natural nurturing character, but that’s from being a selfish vampire. Most women understand a man’s addiction to outward beauty, that’s why many try so hard to fit that ideal or wear the clothes, hair and makeup they do to appeal to a man.  I’ve been there, done that. I’m now at a point of my life that I don’t dress to impress or attract a man, but concerned only with what impresses me.  Could be why I’m still single.

But, that’s not what this article is about.  It’s about being at a point in my life where I’m moving forward. I’ve had some great moments over the last few years.  After my divorce, I started running toward this new life, discovering myself, discovering my hopes, dreams, wants, character, and desires.  Then I ran into a roadblock that knocked me flat on my ass, halted that great forward progression, and pretty much knocked the wind out of me. But, in my darkness, there was a beautiful light that lifted me, helped to inspire me to get up and try again.  Oh, I opened my heart and for a little while… and man, oh man, I flew. I felt happiness, joy, love, passion, and most of all, hope.  I felt the love inside a pair of strong arms and the joy of friendship, companionship, and being able to share a part of myself that I kept inside for so long. But it only lasted for a short time before the difficulties of life interfered and pushed me outside and ripped away that beautiful dream.  And I got the breath knocked out of me again. I still find it difficult to breathe, because of how beautiful that dream was – not the big things, but the little things… the long conversations, the texts throughout the day, the games, the silly moments, the simple laughter… oh, damn.  The part that touched me most and that I realized I missed in my life was those precious moments of being part of a family. I fell in love with that family and will always love them.

I learned a lot about myself and what I want in this life thanks to that experience.  I hate that once again my direction has been changed and another roadblock has forced me to turn again, but that’s life… it’s fluid, ever-changing, filled with joy and despair, love and heart-break, it’s evolutionary and quite contradictory. My only choices are to stay where I am and slowly die or get up and move forward.  So, I move forward.

These last few months, since my birthday I’ve been trying too hard to hold onto broken, shattered pieces, and the only result is a bunch of scars.  I’ve held onto nothing. I’ve washed my cuts, applied ointment, and covered them with band-aids.  I’m healing. At the same time, I’m getting back to myself and picking up many of those things I dropped at my first roadblock, especially my love for adventure.  I’m different. I’m changed. I’m moving like a slow flowing stream. I’ve just fell down the side of one mountain, and now I’m climbing another, but I’m not in a hurry to reach the top.  It’s about the journey on the way.  That’s life. The river, the trail, the wind, the rain, the sun, the clouds, the moon, the stars… that’s life.

For me, that fluidity is in my adventures. Yes, love is also an adventure and I’m trying to keep my broken, crushed, damaged, bleeding heart open for that opportunity, but it’s not my focus.  I’m also not in a hurry.  The world seems to always be in a hurry.  I went sailing yesterday with two men who are just friends I met online, and I can’t express how much being around them was medicine to my bleeding heart. Their friendship is a salve because they expect nothing from me and love and accept me just as I am.  It was so freeing to enjoy the adventure without being on guard. I’ve been on a several dates lately and I have thick armor, because I’m understanding how fluid I am and I feel most of the men I meet have such hard defined ideas of what their looking for in a woman, a lover, a friend, and a mate. While I’m looking for passion, connection, and attraction, I’m so on guard that I bolt at the first inkling of a man that just wants that physical relationship.  I want love.  I don’t feel like I can ever love again, but I will keep myself open to let love in should it happen.  However, at this point in my life, I just want adventure, to be happy, fulfilling some of my dreams, getting back outside and chasing some of those experiences. Some days I’m very lonely and miss the intimacy I had with my last relationship, but I’m finding more and more days being content and breathing a little easier.  I may be alone for the rest of my life, but then again… I may find the love of my life today or tomorrow while I’m out living this fluid life. I’m moving…forward.

Oh, My Weary Soul

God, this world is so messed up, and I’m broken in so many shattered pieces, there are just some days too heavy for me to bear. I’ve lived in this valley for a long time, actually I think I was born here, and I can’t seem to find my way out.

I’m so tired of saying ‘goodbye’. What the hell is good about bye? What the hell is so wrong with me that I’m never enough to fight for? I don’t think it’s that I’m not enough, but that I’m more than they deserve. Because I know I sure as hell deserve a lot better. I deserve something real, and the world is full of cowards too afraid to be real.

I have scars all over my body. I try to hide them, not because I’m ashamed, but because I also carry the inner scars that were created from them and don’t want to share them with just anyone. People are strange creatures. We’re controlled by our fears, and often can’t see a person beyond their skin. We lie to ourselves and convince ourselves that our faith, our beliefs, our values, or our philosophies guide and lead us in our decisions, but they don’t… our fear does.

I have a friend who says he fears nothing, but he’s lying to himself. He runs as I hard as I do, perhaps even harder, because he’s afraid. But I don’t have to tell him. In the silence, he knows the truth. However, knowing the truth doesn’t keep him from being an asshole. Even still, he’s beautiful and I love him, even though I also hate him for his vanity and cowardice.

I heard a quote this morning from Jim Carrey – “My soul is not contained within the limits of my body, my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.” The Journey of Purpose. I believe this. When I look at someone, I look beyond their flesh and try to see their soul. When I tell someone they’re beautiful, it isn’t their body I’m talking about, but their soul.

Who sees my soul? Who can see past the smile or beyond the scars? I believe no one. I’m just the girl who ______ (fill in the blank).

My soul is weary. My heart is crushed. My faith is weak. I’m tired of carrying this mangled scarred body around. I can’t run any more. I wasn’t meant to run, but to fly. I’m lost.

Natural Stupidity

Why are our natural responses always the wrong way to act in a situation? It’s sort of like those stupid people in scary movies always making the wrong decision that would lead to a better chance of survival.

In fear, we run away and hide. When has being alone and where no one can see you, hear you, feel you, or know you’re scared, been the best laid plan? In my mind, I want to cling tightly to those who love me or who I love so they can help me feel safe. Instead, I curl into a tight ball and shut everyone out.

In pain, we pull away and get angry at the ones who only want to help.

In depression, instead of surrounding ourselves with laughter, happy people, or exciting and vigorous physical activities that produce adrenaline and dopamine – we lay around feeling sorry for ourselves, being inactive, eating bad food, and ignoring everybody as we wallow in our depravity.

We’re stupid. Life is too short for all this stupid shit. Yet, here I am pushing away those who love me most, not sharing my pain, not seeking comfort in my fear from those I trust. Instead, I’ve been playing with fire and hating myself for it. I don’t know if it’s some kind of mental defect that causes me to punish myself, by hurting myself with destructive behavior. It’s like I’m trying to make those who love me, hate me, before they choose to hate me on their own – as if me making them hate me would make it any better. They would hate me if they knew how I was hurting myself. I hate me. It’s like I’m on a crusade that declares, “Since I’ll never be good enough to love, I’ll bad enough to hate.”

Yeah, yeah… it’s stupid logic. I’m not trying to justify this type of stupidity. I’m just admitting I’m capable of doing it as much as the next person.

The next time you see someone being destructive and stupid, instead of judging them or get angry at them for playing the game, maybe take a step back and look at them with a different set of eyes. Maybe they’re just scared, or they’re hurt, or they’re fighting battles you don’t understand – and they’re lashing out because they’re in pain. Or maybe they’re just assholes.



It’s easy for us – outside the pain – to just say, “Get over it. Grow up.” It’s a different story when you’re on the inside.

Complicated Simplicity

How much pain can a person truly handle before they break?  A person can break, I’ve seen it, experienced it, and am not convinced once broken we can ever be whole again.  But can we survive?

The hardest part of my faith for me is to trust that God will not allow more than I can handle.  That is His promise.  That is a promise I don’t understand.  It seems simple enough, but complexity and simplicity often happen at the same time.  Complicated Simplicity. What an oxymoron.

I’ve looked into the eyes of a person and saw fire - flames of life burning in them so bright they can’t help but make the world around them sparkle with hope, joy, laughter. It’s easy to believe in those moments in that promise.

I’ve also looked into a pair of eyes and witnessed such pain and depravation and literally watched the color of their irises dull and their whole countenance pale in despair. This is when we hope for that promise most of all.

I’ve also looked into a pair of eyes as their souls slipped away and death consumed them. It’s not something that can really be explained, nor is it something I would recommend.  Where is the promise here?

All these experiences leave behind scars… a tendril of essence that becomes recognizable when you see it operating in all the other sets of eyes in the world.  I truly do believe the eyes are the windows to a person’s soul.  I want to hold onto that promise, but I doubt, and I waiver, and I fear.

When my walls are up I avoid allowing people to look into my eyes.  When my walls are down I seek as much eye contact as possible. Our bodies can lie.  Our mouths can lie.  Our hands can lie.  Our thoughts can lie.  Our feelings are often the biggest liars of all.  But the eyes… the eyes can’t lie.  In this new technological world, it’s becoming easier to lie because we feel comfortable behind our screens.  Black font replaces our attempts to conceal our eyes, mostly from ourselves.  Again, another example of Complicated Simplicity.

 What complicated-simple truth would my eyes say today?  I’m reminded of a quote from my first published novel where Cain rolls over, away from the fire, away from the view of his new friend.  Tears spill out the corner of his eyes and he whispers, “No more.  I can bear no more.” Unlike my character Cain, I’m not immortal. I can break.

There was a moment when I opened my eyes this morning.  A brief moment - where time stood still and the universe turned toward me, and waited for an answer.  I had a choice.  Live or leave.  Fight or give up.  All thoughts left my mind.  All feeling left my body.  Then I heard my spirit singing the soft echo of a song I haven’t heard in years from a group called Switchfoot …. http://youtu.be/jE-Krlqi4fk

Welcome to the planet.

Welcome to existence.

Everyone’s here.  Everyone’s here.

Everybody’s watching you now.

Everybody waits for you now.

What happens next?  What happens next?



I dare you to move!

I dare you to move!

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor!

I dare you to move!

I dare you to move!

Like today never happened, today never happened before.



Welcome to the fall out.

Welcome to resistance.

The tension is here.  The tension is here.

Between who you are and who you could be.

Between how it is and how it should be.



I dare you to move!

I dare you to move!

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor!

I dare you to move!

I dare you to move!

Like today never happened, today never happened before.



Maybe redemption is stories to tell.

Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Where you gonna go?  Where you gonna go?

Salvation is here.



I moved.  I got up. I put my feet on the floor.  I breathed.   So complex, yet so simple. Today, I’m still broken but I’m alive.  So, yesterday was not more than I could handle. I’m not saying I handled it well, just that I survived.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray