The New Bachelorette: Dating After 40 - Get Back in the Game

After taking quite a bit of a hiatus, I believe it’s time I got back into the game… the game of dating in the twenty-first century after 40. This makes round three??? Hopefully it won’t be three strikes and I’m out, but to be honest …dating is exhausting.

I made some mistakes in the first two rounds that I’m hoping I’m more wise to avoid the same curve balls this time. I’m learning to weed out the players, and how to spot something genuine, something worth fighting for.

Why did I use the word fight? Because every relationship is going to have ups and downs, and if it’s worth anything, it’s going to require a fight to make it work. I can make pretty much any relationship work, and the differences doesn’t come down to the guys – but to me, at least that’s how I’m looking at it. How much will I have to change to make it work? How much of me do I have to sacrifice to make room for someone else in my life?

Before you roll your eyes at that last statement, let me explain.

I’ve been alone for a while now. I needed this time. Though it’s often hurt, and has been extremely lonely, it’s forced me to take care of myself, to put me first, to give me the time to experiment, analyze, experience, and determine who I am, what I want, what I like, and what makes me happy. I love the woman I’ve become. I love all the new experiences I’ve jumped into and the obstacles I’ve leaped over. I regret none of them. I’ve faced death and learned to live. I’ve faced rejection and continued to love. I’ve had my heart broken, but realized it still beats – even battered and bruised. I’ve felt the earth shift beneath my feet and know what lightning feels like. If I felt it once, I can feel it again.

I’ve also learned a few things from my two earlier strikes… I’ve learned not to hold back saying what I feel, no matter the consequences. I’m not ashamed of my feelings, it’s who I am, it’s how I feel. I’ve tried to play the games, but I’m just not a player. It’s backfired. Every time I held back what I felt, not wanting to risk disrupting the relationship, I’ve watched what I wanted slip through my fingers like trying to hold onto water. By the time I found the courage to speak my heart, it was too late and they’d moved on to someone else.

I’ve learned to go slow. I really enjoy those early moments, the messages, the butterflies, the excitement of seeing each other, the flirtations, the getting-to-know you long talks, because those are beautiful moments. I wish they could last forever. For me, those are my most cherished memories – the funny, playful, innocent moments. My fondest memory is watching someone play a video game.

I’ve learned to walk away. I will never again be where I’m not wanted. I lived too long that way and for me it’s a deal breaker, no matter how much it hurts to leave. I will never chase what doesn’t want to be found. I’m devoted in everything I do, and to those I care about. I love my friends and their lives, their problems, their joys, their loves, their wants, their hopes, their dreams … all of it is important to me. I try to be their cheerleader and let them know and feel how much I love them. To someone I enter into a relationship with, I’d be even more devoted, supportive, a cheerleader, an advocate, a coach, a lover, every aspect of their life would be important to me and I’d protect it, do what I could to enrich it, and love them with all the love I possess – in honesty and faithfulness. But, the moment I feel I’m not wanted (I’m not talking about being mad at me – because I guarantee I’ll make you mad.. probably on a daily basis because I’m passionate and have an opinion – but I love a good verbal sparring – it releases endorphins), no matter how much it hurts and rips my heart out, if I’m not wanted, I will walk away.

If I knew, without doubt, that someone I loved truly loved me – wanted me – desired me in their life – that’s going to be one lucky son-of-a-bitch. I don’t NEED anyone. I’ve learned to take care of myself, fulfill my own needs, and to love myself. The person I let into my life won’t be because I need them or need anything from them, but simply because I WANT them, that I choose them, and I’d let them know by word and deed every day how much they’re wanted, they’re loved, they’re desired.

Well, it’s time to get back into the game. I’ve got the bat in hand. Let the dating begin.

Till next time,

~Bachelorette on Deck

To Go, or Not to Go?

For a writer trying to market their book(s), they often have to choose wisely which venues to attend and which to decline.  While, we’d like to disillusion ourselves into thinking of all the great fanfare we’ll receive on the release of our first book, for sure by our second book, and no-denying by our third, we often don’t get to choose when or where we will make our appearances; most often accepting the few and far between appearances that make themselves available.  We often sit alone in our solitude and scour the local events and wonder, where can I go, and how can I get there? And then determine how to move heaven and earth to make it happen.

For those few lucky superstars of the literary world, who catch the uber-agent and get snatched up by the big house publisher, they are often ‘told’ by their publishers when and where they will attend – determined by marketing experts who know how to get the most bang for the buck – after all, they did provide the initial investment into the new superstar writer.  Big business is in the business to make money.  It’s not personal, and it certainly isn’t by their charitable hearts they desire to see their writers succeed.  They support the writers who can put out a good product that will make them money.  When, or if, the writer or the book fizzles, so will their love. 

Most often these superstars believe in the fantasy they created concerning their role in the publishing universe, and the role of the publisher – pretty much relegating them to fairy godmothers who wave their magic wands and make the success happen  out of thin air– without any work on their own part (other than writing the novel).  However, truly sustaining and successful authors know the importance of self-marketing and management, and often live a life of self-promotion at all times (except when they’re writing).  They get involved with local groups, mentor new novelists, and make appearance on social media and social events – not giving away ALL power and responsibility to the publishers.  Most often, or at least I’ve seen this happen a few times, surpass their publishers and find themselves entertaining sweeter deals. 

So, thou high and mighty writing superstar – perhaps you should think twice about turning down that ‘small’ public appearance that won’t often lead to big sales or big rewards. Tell the truth – it’s really because those small appearances don’t stroke the big ego enough.  I’ve often found the best networking connections in intimate settings.   But, the bottom line is that you, the writer, are the only one who can truly answer the question of whether to go, or not to go, where to go and where not to go. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Story Outline Method

Having now written over a dozen full novels, I’ve come to the conclusion there isn’t one “right” way to write a novel; there are over a dozen.  Each novel is unique, not only in its storyline, but in its development process. 

For a new novel I’m planning to write during the month of November for the annual NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), I’m using the Story Outline Method, and I love it. Please visit www.nanowrimo.org for more information.

What is the story outline method?  Simple – it’s an outline of your novel – constructed before you write the first word.   Here are some of the steps I’m using with this new novel.

·         Before I even think about the name for the novel, I must think on  a grand scale what the general setting of the story is, what I want it to show in the story, and what I want the main theme to depict.  Once I have a general overview, I have EVERYTHING I need to start.

·         I then decide what length I’d LIKE to have the story.  Short Story (300 – 3,000 words), Novella (less than 40,000 words), Novel (50,000 – 100,000 words), or Epic (100,000 +). I also decide the genre (fantasy, urban, historical, romance, sci-fi, chick lit, literary fiction, etc., and writing style (first person, third person, omniscient, Active/Passive, Showing/Telling

·         I also decide who will be my protagonists & antagonists and write up Character Dossiers for those main characters only.  This is where I get the first clear glimpse of my characters.  This is also a great tool to use to ensure your characters are not all cookie-cutters of the same character.  There’s nothing more boring than reading a novel when ALL the characters in the story act, think and respond in exact or similar manners.  Doing a character dossier will allow you to individualize your characters, as well as provide the writer with a resource to review when writing that character – so the character can develop but remain true to the writer’s initial intent. (Will post a blog later this week on Character Dossiers.)

·         I then consider how many chapters, and then do a “Story Structure” (see blog post titled “A Story Structure”) to make sure my plot points hit at certain segments in the story.  I then fill in the chapter summaries with ideas I’d like to see covered between those certain segments – ideas that move the plot of the story.  (There’s nothing more irritating than reading a story and the plot changes, or the original plot morphed(or is forgotten) into something else, so a reader finishes a different story than they began.) Writing out chapter summaries, lets me see the story from a broader picture, and serves as a guide when I go to write that particular chapter.  (Always:  the story doesn’t have to be exact to the summary.  The purpose of the summary is to provide the writer with a clear ‘direction’, but the genius and skill of writer will emerge as they put fingertips to keyboard during the actual writing process.

·         Finally, I create a story board (a large dry-erase or peg board), complete with plot points, pictures, and notes essential for the story.  This board is mostly used for inspiration during the planning and writing process; serving as a reminder of important things to be included in the novel. 

Again, I want to stress that this is just ONE method of writing.  I’ve used this method before and it worked great.  I think the most important part of writing is to do what excites, inspires and energizes you.  You MUST love what you’re doing, or it will just be  a burden, not a true labor of love.

Good luck with your next novel and my greatest hope is that this little bit of writing advice has inspired you to get busy on your next great idea.  Perhaps this could also be a help for someone who finds themselves ‘stalled’ in their current work.  The Story Outline Method is a great process that can help identify problems or weak areas in a story.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray