Loyalty, commitment,
dedication, promise, and faithfulness …what do all these words mean? Why do people run from them as if they’re
shackles to be clamped upon their wrists and ankles? I think most often it’s because of the words that
usually follow those which are the ones that truly bind a person, or which they
fear will bind them such as …responsibility and expectation.
My question
is …can one be truly free of responsibilities and expectations in any form, at
any level of a relationship between two or more people? Can we even be free of these things unto
ourselves? I don’t think so.
I keep
telling myself, having come out of a long committed relationship that I don’t
want to be loyal, committed, dedicated, promised or faithful to another person;
I want to be free. What does that really
mean? What am I really saying? What am I really looking for? What am I really running from?
How can I want something that is contrary to my very
character? I’m a person of my word. I’m loyal to a fault, even to those things
that are detriment to me. When I set my
mind and heart on something, I’m committed.
I’m dedicated to the tasks I set my hands to complete. When I make a promise, I do my best to keep
it. When my heart is involved in
something, I can’t imagine my affections being divided, because that’s not how
I’m made. I put my whole heart into the
things I do and the choices I make. So
how can I say, want or even comprehend the very idea of living a life or avoiding
a relationship in the hopes of avoiding those words in my life? That’s a contradiction to who I am.
I’ve meditated
for a long time trying to understand why I’m trying to run from these very
things. I watch other people around me
who say they live their lives free of these things, especially when it comes to
relationships, but I don’t see the evidence of their absence and wonder do I
deceive myself in the same way? Can I
live a life, have a relationship, or enter an action void of these particular
traits? I don’t think I can. So, what is it I really desire? What is it I’m trying to avoid?
The only
answer I can conceive is responsibility and expectation. These are the two areas I feel I fail most in
life, and which bring me the most heartache and pain; not fulfilling my
responsibilities and failing to live up to expectations – either mine or from
someone else. I fear these two things,
not only for me, but to me. Perhaps the
latter is what I fear most… someone else not fulfilling their responsibilities
concerning me or failing to meet my expectations. Yes, I think that’s the truth of the matter.
What do I do
about it? What can I do about it? Is there such a relationship free of these
things? Or am I just swimming in
delusion, deceiving myself in an effort to alleviate my fears? More than
likely, but I’m at a total loss concerning the scabrous solution.
Till next time,
~T.L. Gray
