The Lessons I Learned

Stepping out of my warm apartment this morning, ready to tackle another mile run in a fight to keep my body healthy, I groaned when I met dreary overcast skies and strong artic winds.  Where was my sunshine? After a shiver as the cold blasted me in the face, I stuck the buds in my ears, hit the play button on my iPod, and took off. 

It was a very difficult run this morning.  The winds were so strong I literally had to bend my head down and push hard just to get any forward motion.  Being really short, I already struggle with my speed.  It takes more of my short steps to reach the same distance as a taller person in the same amount of time.  When I’m running against 28mph wind gusts in 32 chilly degrees, I don’t get very far, very fast.  Needless to say, though I’m working twice as hard, I didn’t make any gains on my running goals.  I hate not making my goals.

As I ran and glanced into gray clouds, and watched swarms of leaves cascade across the ground in mighty waves, I wondered how many more days will be like this. I heard no answer.   I pushed forward with my lungs burning and my muscles aching and wondered how much longer I have to keep fighting.  The answer came instantly - always.  The fight never ends. So, I pushed a little harder and wondered what lesson I was supposed to have learned from all this adversity.  That I can take a good beating?  Guess what? I learned that lesson a long time ago.  That I can live in a world unloved and unwanted?  I’ve learned that lesson too.  That nothing is guaranteed, nothing is secure, nothing is forever?  Check, check, check. 

Well, by this time, warm tears spilled out of my eyes and turned ice cold before they reached my cheeks.  I looked up into those gray swirling clouds and inside my mind, above the noise of the music and beyond the buzz of the universe, my soul screamed, “I know that a sun sits above those clouds. I know behind this angry arctic blast is a warm whisper in the wind.  No matter how hard adversity comes against me, or how long reprieve remains silent, I will still hope, I will still believe, I will still fight, and I will still love.  And if I’m still here when the wind stops and the clouds part, I will be standing with my head held high. Do your worst.  Destroy me if you must. I will not give up.”

So, what lesson did I learn on my chilly run this morning? I’m stubborn, perhaps a big fool, and quite lonely.  It’s not good to be isolated in your own mind all the time.  I’m beginning to understand why friends are so important - they provide an opportunity to take the focus off ourselves for a few moments.  I also learned to take a jacket and wear a pair of gloves.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Responsible Expecations

Loyalty, commitment, dedication, promise, and faithfulness …what do all these words mean?  Why do people run from them as if they’re shackles to be clamped upon their wrists and ankles?  I think most often it’s because of the words that usually follow those which are the ones that truly bind a person, or which they fear will bind them such as …responsibility and expectation.

My question is …can one be truly free of responsibilities and expectations in any form, at any level of a relationship between two or more people?  Can we even be free of these things unto ourselves?  I don’t think so.

I keep telling myself, having come out of a long committed relationship that I don’t want to be loyal, committed, dedicated, promised or faithful to another person; I want to be free.  What does that really mean?  What am I really saying?  What am I really looking for?  What am I really running from?

How can I want something that is contrary to my very character?  I’m a person of my word.  I’m loyal to a fault, even to those things that are detriment to me.  When I set my mind and heart on something, I’m committed.  I’m dedicated to the tasks I set my hands to complete.  When I make a promise, I do my best to keep it.  When my heart is involved in something, I can’t imagine my affections being divided, because that’s not how I’m made.  I put my whole heart into the things I do and the choices I make.  So how can I say, want or even comprehend the very idea of living a life or avoiding a relationship in the hopes of avoiding those words in my life?  That’s a contradiction to who I am.

I’ve meditated for a long time trying to understand why I’m trying to run from these very things.  I watch other people around me who say they live their lives free of these things, especially when it comes to relationships, but I don’t see the evidence of their absence and wonder do I deceive myself in the same way?  Can I live a life, have a relationship, or enter an action void of these particular traits?  I don’t think I can.  So, what is it I really desire?  What is it I’m trying to avoid?

The only answer I can conceive is responsibility and expectation.  These are the two areas I feel I fail most in life, and which bring me the most heartache and pain; not fulfilling my responsibilities and failing to live up to expectations – either mine or from someone else.  I fear these two things, not only for me, but to me.  Perhaps the latter is what I fear most… someone else not fulfilling their responsibilities concerning me or failing to meet my expectations.  Yes, I think that’s the truth of the matter.

What do I do about it?  What can I do about it? Is there such a relationship free of these things?  Or am I just swimming in delusion, deceiving myself in an effort to alleviate my fears? More than likely, but I’m at a total loss concerning the scabrous solution.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray