Understanding Humanity

One of the biggest themes in my current WIP is an archangel experiencing and learning about the complexities of humanity. I’m really curious what he discovers in the end (I haven’t written the ending yet), because the thing that confuses me most is humanity, or more specific - human emotion and the way we sometimes treat one another. I’m a human, I should understand it, but I don’t. People confuse the hell out of me. They’re unpredictable, and quite frankly, disappoint me often.

One of my good friends really loves to ‘tell me like it is’ and sometimes makes a comment that I’m too hard on people and hold them to too high a standard; that I make people feel like they can never please me because I expect too much. What am I supposed to do with that? Apologize that I expect people to be decent, to act with goodness and kindness, to make reasonable decisions, to expect them to do and try their best? Perhaps he’s right. Perhaps I do hold people to a higher standard, but not something that I don’t hold myself to first.

Some people are just assholes - self-centered egotists, who can’t get their head’s out of their asses long enough to think about other people. They’re often miserable in their quest for success or domination, but it only makes them end up alone or surrounded with people just as shallow as they are – now, that I find very sad. Most of the time they don’t understand why they feel empty or like shit, because they’re not thinking about what they’re pouring into themselves or into the lives of the people that come into their circle. What you eat, what you read, what you watch, what you participate in, what your habits are – that’s what makes you who you are, determines how you feel, and creates the atmosphere in which you live. If you only consider yourself and what YOU want – you’re not sharing yourself with the people around you, therefore you won’t enjoy the fruits of their true friendship. You get the semblance of a friendship. But a true friendship is an invaluable treasure. All those fake friends don’t mean shit and will scatter like the wind if you actually ever needed any of them.

I love my friends and I have some of the best friends in the world because they genuinely care about me. They love me, and I love them more than I could ever express to them. They share their fears, hopes, complaints, and aspirations with me, and provide an ear and support for me to share mine. That’s what friendship is – and exchange of who we are as human beings. It can’t be all give or take – or else it’s not a real friendship.

I’d rather have one true friend than a thousand acquaintances. I do truly believe in the golden rule – that we should treat others as we want to be treated. But think about that – would you want to be treated the way you treat others? Would you want to be treated with disrespect, indifference, arrogance, selfishness, contempt, prejudice, etc. Would you want to be played, lied to, cheated on, hurt, abused, or used? Would you want to be ignored, bullied, or just thrown away?

Be careful how you treat others. Try to understand humanity. Karma is a bitch. You want friends, be a friend. You want love, love. You want happiness, spread happiness. You want life – live. And for those cancers that come into your life and try to drag you down with their negativity, prejudice, arrogance, and selfishness – give them an opportunity to change, but if they don’t, cut them out like a cancerous tumor lest they kill you both.

I’m a very rich woman because I have a few true great friends.

Till next time,

~A Grateful Friend

If Not Now, When?

It seems like most of my life I’ve spent a majority of my time “waiting”.  Especially when it comes to my dreams.  I allowed life, responsibility, duty, and compromise to get in the way.  For nearly twenty years I was “waiting on the Lord” to move in my life for things to happen, believing that He would open a path for me.   Before that, I waited on Karma.  Living in a dark, ugly world full of hate and lies, I chose to follow a higher standard of excellence, believing if I tried hard enough, worked hard enough, studied hard enough, I could change my stars.  My Pastor used to say, “You’re working way too hard for what God wants to give you.” Wanting to give me something and actually doing it are two different things.  Maybe… just maybe …He wanted me to fight for it, to take a chance, to leap into the unknown – to get it myself? Maybe.

Do you know what happened to and for my dreams in all that waiting?  NOTHING.  I spent all that time doing something else, hoping for that magical  opportunity to open and change my world.  All I’ve got to show for it is a long wait period of back-breaking sacrifices, and one disappointment after another as I watched my dreams slip through my fingers, one after another.  Not all of them, but most.  I’ve had a picture perfect life for the last two decades.  But, pictures don’t always present the whole truth.  It would really depend on your definition of what a perfect life consisted.  Is it what you achieved?  Is it what you’ve collected?  Is it what you possess?  Is it how you look, where you live, how much money you make, what church you attend, what titles you’ve received, what car you drive, what invitations you get, or how many Christmas cards you collect?

Now as I look back, I don’t understand how I believed in either of those concepts in the first place.  I knew better, yet I believed.  I had full faith that if I just obeyed, if I was good, if I diligently prayed, if I spent my time and talent helping others, then God – or even Karma – would swoop down and magically open all those great doors of opportunity. It’s what I was promised would happen.  I mean, after all, there were countless of testimony regularly voiced of how God did this and that for others, and how miraculously things just fell into place and dreams were realized, or how Karma (both good and bad) always paid her debts.  I prayed the same dream prayers over and over and over, yet never saw them manifest in ANY way, especially when it came to relationships.  Of all the hard work I did, I just couldn’t seem to get ahead.  Life (Karma) always seemed to come in and throw something in my path that kept me from really taking off.  Nothing changed.  I was still unwanted, unloved and undesired. I couldn’t be successful enough, pretty enough, or good enough to change anything.

Don’t get me wrong.  I had many successes.  I worked with a spirit of excellence and mastered just about everything I put my hands to do – the problem was – I was doing everything else for everyone else, except me – believing that would lead to my own dream fulfillment.  Then, when I took the chance on ME… all those who supported, encouraged, and bragged about all the things I did for them disappeared or remained silent in and for my pursuits.  I was supported as long as it didn’t interfere with all those ‘other’ things I did, as long as it didn’t cause an interruption or hardship or sacrifice on anyone else’s part – I was good to go.  But, the moment my dream, my wants, or my desires caused any form of inconvenience, if it was different, or became a sacrifice for someone else – that support disappeared, often replaced by resentment, opposition, and judgment. When I started being ‘me’, and not who I was expected to be, I suddenly became the rebellious one.  As long as I looked and acted like everyone else around me, I was loved.  But have an individual and differing thought … that love and support disappeared.

 I just wanted someone to believe in me, the same way I believed in them.  I struggled with believing  in myself.  People let me down.  But a funny thing happened… I quit waiting.  I quit believing that I could do anything good enough to make a difference with anything.  No, I no longer expected those doors to magically, supernaturally, or karmatically open on their own in response to my goodness, faithfulness or obedience.  I found those doors on my own and kicked those fuckers down. Did it cost me anything?  Yes, it cost me everything.

When is the time to chase my dreams or work on fulfilling my wants and desires?  NOW.  I still have faith – faith that I’m brave enough to chase what I want in and out of this life.  Have I found everything? No.  Has everything worked out exactly as I planned? No.  Have I found that happiness I desired for so long?  Some, but there’s more.  Am I loved, wanted and desired?  Not yet. But I’m living. I’m moving.  I’m doing.  I’m falling.  I’m getting back up. I’m missing the mark.  I’m hitting my target.  The point is … I’m living in the now. I’ve done more in the last two years for myself than the last forty-one combined.  It’s not all easy, a bed of roses, or happens perfectly. On the contrary, it’s often painful, I make mistakes, I get hurt, I fall down, and I spend a lot of time crying – but I’m moving, I’m doing, and I’m experiencing life – not letting it waste away waiting for some outside or unknown force to open a path for me. I live in the NOW.

My life is now one big verb, not an adjective.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray