Life after Heartbreak

In the moment I can’t breathe and my sun has disappeared behind endless clouds and acid rain, tumultuous thunder, and incessant wind.  I hold tightly to myself, clasping my heart with all my strength to hold together all the shattered pieces.  I’m lost.  The storm has destroyed everything around me and I recognize nothing anymore. All I have left are pictures and memories, and even some of them are destroyed. There are no arms to hold me. There are no heroes to help me.  There are no words to comfort me. Only pain.

But the storm doesn’t last forever. 

The wind calms, the lighting ceases, and thunder’s rumble wanes in the distance. I lift my face toward the gray skies.  The gentle rain washes away my tears and I open my mouth letting the refreshing drops land on my parched tongue.  I loosen my fists and unwrap my arms, stand to my feet, and lift my hands. I close my eyes and scream into the heavens until my throat is hoarse and I can scream no more.   

Then I breathe.

I breathe again.

I listen to my heartbeat.

I breathe again.

I listen to the last of the rain drops fall onto the earth.

I breathe again.

I listen to the warm wind and feel it rush over me, drying tears from my face.

I breathe again.

I feel the warmth and see the red behind my closed eyelids as the sun parts the clouds and washes over me.

I breathe again.

I hear birdsong.

I breathe again. 

I hear waves crashing against the shore.

I breathe again.

I open my eyes and see a sailboat in the distance.

I breathe again, this time faster. 

I step into the water, it’s calling me deeper. 

I breathe again.

I dive beneath the break and its commanding waves to surface on the other side. The sailboat is closer.

I breathe again as I swim.

I approach the boat, but see no way to climb aboard, until a hand reaches down towards me.  I look back towards the shore and see the remnants of the storm behind it and a hard lump forms in my throat. But, I turn away and grab the hand and exhale as I’m pulled aboard.

I smile.

I don’t know where I’m going, or what journey I am on, I just know I can never go back to where I was before.

There is life after heartbreak, and living to be done, and I breathe.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

A New Day

Wants change when entering new life cycles.  Desires transform as atmospheres transits.  Needs modify with maturity.  Experience inspires the greatest renovation, for good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. Tomorrow is gone and it’s a new day.

I’m changing, it’s that simple. I’m emerging into a new creation, formed and transformed by my experiences, and I like the changes that are happening and the beauty that I am becoming.

Yes, I believe I’m beautiful.  My doubts and fears whisper to me I’m cursed, unlovable, unwanted, and not enough, but those are the lies sent to keep me bound to the earth, or drowned beneath the waters, when I was meant to soar in the heavens.  There is greatness in me and she’s been held captive for way too long. 

I don’t understand what led me to choose my captivity, but I clearly understand I was the one who clasped the shackles around my own heart, wrists and ankles. I was the one who bound myself to something detrimental and destructive to my soul, to my heart, and to my mind. And I was the one who had to break those chains and fly free.  Perhaps that was the lesson that I needed to learn, to be reminded that no one else will fight for me, no one else will love me the way I need to love myself. 

Love – what a concept that is so simple, yet so complicated. It’s bigger than I can understand, but something I desire and know I need to give AND receive. I do give love – always. To my friends, my family, and my lovers.  I always give my whole heart.  But, I now understand that receiving it is JUST AS IMPORTANT.

I will no longer accept anything but the greatest of love from anyone that wants to be a part of my life.  I am learning to let go of those who can’t or won’t love me. I am finding the strength to walk away from passive/aggressive assholes who use my love, but are incapable of returning it – because I love ME. 

I am building my tribe – a tribe of men and women who are not afraid to open their hearts and arms to me in honest friendship.  Who will not only allow me to love, inspire, encourage and support (because that’s who I am – the ultimate cheerleader) them, but who also feed my soul with love, inspiration, encouragement and support.  I have a lot to give - but what I give is love, light, sun, and life.  Vampires operate in darkness and seek the lifeblood of the lost and helpless.  I got my wooden stake firmly in my hands and I’m not afraid to use it.  I’ve been sucked dry and preyed upon for long enough, but my heart still beats. My tribe has helped me mend my wings and breathe the clean air, and bask in the sunlight. I’ve got a great beautiful golden tan that glows.

I am ready to share my heart again. I’m ready to allow life, and love, and happiness back into my universe.  I’m ready to smile, to seek adventure, to chase dreams, and to fall in love.  I want romance – great romance.  To hell with these insecure broken men who are too jaded to be romantic, daring, and willing to risk everything for love.  I need a hero, not a coward.  I don’t want someone who lies to themselves and the world about not needing love and romance – for their peace.  FUCK their peace. If James taught me anything it’s that love is worth the effort, it’s worth the risk, and it’s worth the fight.  I’ve never felt more loved in my life since him – but I’ve been feeling his presence more and more lately.  I believe his spirit has been reminding me that I am worth chasing, worth fighting for, and worth moving heaven and earth just to love me. I already know I love with my whole heart – and I give my heart and soul to the man in my life.  I will accept NOTHING less in return. I am a good woman with a great heart, and any man would be lucky and blessed to have me in their life. Only a real man will be able to handle me. Little men and broken assholes can keep walking. Leave me alone.  There are plenty of damaged broken women to prey upon, but not me, not anymore.  I’m not trying to save anyone. I can’t.  I want a man that doesn’t need to be saved; one that can fly with me, not pull me down.  

I’m flying. I’m soaring and there’s nothing that I can’t do or achieve. My only frustration is deciding which dream I want to chase first! My future is so bright.  I am rich in happiness.  I have successfully found my inner peace. I’m enjoying the wealth of good health that is lending to the fulfillment of my dreams. I’m 47 and have no addictions, no major ailments, and good heart and mind. I am a force of nature and I have been unappreciated for way too long. I’m about to remind the world just what I’m capable of achieving.

Kindness – I seek kindness most of all.  My world had been so dark and so toxic for so long – that simple kindness is a golden treasure.  My soul is thirsty for kindness, and my shield is polished, and my sword is sharpened to protect me from cruelty. Whether friend or lover, if you’re not a kind person – I’m walking away – quickly.  The sharks swim beneath the water, but I’m not in the water, I’m in the air. I’m fire. I’m a phoenix risen from the ashes. It’s a new day, watch me blaze in the light of the sun.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

What Do I Want?

Being single, I get asked the question of what I want, ALL the time now. My answer changes depending on my mood, my experiences of that day, or my expectations at that moment.  Right now, I would like my cable company to answer the damned phone, not put me on hold for nearly an hour, fix their website and stop the bullshit.  Will that happen?  It better happen soon or else I will be taking a long lunch to return all my equipment to their local office and giving them a stern rebuke for their shitty online and phone service.  So, see …depending on the question, the circumstances, and the content – my answer will change. 

I know the question isn’t aimed at what I want for my cable service, but what I want in life, in love, and in my future relationships. But, honestly … how can I answer that question?  When I was five, I wanted to be safe and free of violence.  Well, that didn’t happen until I left home as a teenager.  When I was fifteen, I thought I wanted Herbie Shiflett. Well, I got Herbie, then I got cheated on and my heart broken for the first time. At twenty-one I found a determined and deep love from a loving soldier that promised me a loving future.  Well, that dream was taken away in an instant by a Somalian bullet. At twenty-three I wanted security, kindness, stability and that picket-fence dream for my family. Well, I got it, don’t regret it, but it came at the high cost of no passion or romance. At thirty-nine, I thought I wanted to find a deep love and soul mate. Well, I got that and the devastating heartache that followed when that deep love wasn’t returned.  So, what do I want next? I’m forty-seven, and while I try to think about the positive and exciting things that could possibly be waiting for me around the corner, I can’t help but wonder what horrible pain is waiting to follow.

All I’ve ever really wanted was to be loved and wanted for who I am, just like I am, to be someone’s partner, best friend, lover … balance. I want to belong somewhere and to someone. I want to be accepted and appreciated for who I am, not who they need or want me to be.  So, how does someone go about finding that in a superficial world? I guess what I really want is faith, and hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Back to the Busyness of Being Happy

Life is complicated.  It’s filled with difficulties. No matter how ‘together’ we get ourselves, tragedy finds its way into our lives, upsetting our plans, providing roadblocks to the best of our intentions.  If we are ‘waiting’ to live in any capacity, or for our lives to be less complicated before we open our hearts to love or happiness, then we are lying to ourselves and robbing ourselves of any love or happiness we could experience today. We need to get busy, NOW. We need to start living in the moment, right in the middle of our chaos.  We need to get into the busyness of being happy.

Waiting never brought anything.  Life doesn’t present itself out of the blue, we must go out and grab it, live it, and choose to fight for the success we want to enjoy.  If we think things will be better LATER, when our priorities and problems are lighter, we are telling ourselves the biggest lie. It’s a lie that robs us of the love and happiness we could be enjoying now.  If we can’t choose happiness now, or accept happiness in our lives now, we never will.  There will always be reasons and excuses.  We must choose happiness in the middle of our chaos if we ever want to experience it at all.

Are we waiting to love after …our kids are grown, our bills are paid, we lose weight, we have a better job, we have a bigger house, we have a better car, we have gained success, or we are healthier?  Are we waiting to be happy to be happy?  That’s stupid. It doesn’t work that way. If we think so, we are lying to ourselves and robbing ourselves of the happiness and love we could be enjoying now.  Not only enjoying it, but allowing it to fuel, encourage, and inspire us – giving us the strength we need to obtain all those other things we want for ourselves and the ones we love.  Do we want our children to be happy?  How are we teaching them to be happy when our example is the opposite?  Do we want to be an example of hope, determination, and success?  Do we think we can teach something that we are not leading by example?

Love and happiness are our strength.  It is the force in this universe that gives us the forte to properly deal with all the chaos the world throws at us. We are weak without it.  God is love.  Love is where we find forgiveness.  It’s where we find hope.  It’s where life truly happens. It’s where we learn to truly love those in our lives.  Outside it, we only find pain and heartbreak, loneliness and fear.  I speak of love, not lust, not obsession, not passion, but true love. Love that puts others’ needs before our own; love that reaches for us in the fullness of our failure, at our weakest, at our most low and desperate moments. The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we should be alone. Choosing to be alone isn’t about trying to find ourselves, it’s about being afraid.  Our fears keep us alone.  Our fears make the self-destructive choices that only bring more chaos, more oppression, and bad decisions into our lives.  Fear is our weakness. The only way to confront fear is to get back to the busyness of being happy.

1 John 4:7-8 “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

“Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness.” ~Euripides

“The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.”  ~Hubert Humphries

“We are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” Orson Welles

The Business of Being Happy

There’s only one person that can truly make us happy, and that’s our self. While others can influence us, inspire us, encourage us, or detour us, we are ultimately in control of how we allow others to affect us.

I have had some happy moments because of my interaction with others. My children have made me happy. My loves have made me happy. My soul mate has made me happy. My friends have made me happy. Well… they’ve created moments that have led to me accepting that happiness. At the same time, they have also led to moments of great pain. But my happiness and my pain have all been in my control, by what I’ve allowed to affect me. I’ve recently went through a period of great happiness, followed by a period of great pain and stress. I’m tired of being hurt. I’m tired of being stressed. I’ve decided to get back to the business of being happy.

I wish I could tell you it was a simple as that… to just decide and then *poof* it’s done. But, making the decision in only the first step. As I blogged yesterday, part of the path to happiness is changing my atmosphere. Change what music I listen, what foods I eat, what activities I participate, what is the state of my health and fitness, and what company I keep. All these things contribute to the business of being happy. I can’t reach that state of happiness working in or on just one of these areas.

Happiness is about balance, an equilibrium within my heart, mind, body, and soul.  When one is injured, damaged, abused, or neglected, it affects them all. Life is too short to allow my heartaches and disappointments to keep me from reaching or fulfilling my potential. I’ve got too many things to do, too many dreams to chase, too much life to live to allow these pains to steal all my joy. The Word says there is a time for everything under the sun… a time to mourn, a time to grieve, a time let the pain out… but there’s also time to pick myself back up and get back to the business of being happy. I was created for a purpose, I have a dream, a plan, a vision, and that is to live my life to its fullest, and its time I got back to it.

I really don’t understand laziness.  I understand taking time to just relax and let your body, mind and soul rest.  While most of the time I can’t sit still for more than an hour, I can at times spend all day in bed binge watching or reading. What I don’t understand is laziness in the form of a lack of drive, of not having a goal, a plan, a vision, or a dream.  I don’t understand the concept of procrastination and just drifting by and surviving the day, letting the world and circumstances dictate what happens in our lives.  Why on earth would we give that kind of control to chance? 

I also really don’t understand the concept of being reactive compared to being proactive.  I can’t grasp the mindset of spending all my time and effort chasing the chaos. I’ve been on this earth long enough, and intimately acquainted with Murphy, to know that SHIT HAPPENS.  If we drift through life always reacting, believe me - life will continuously keep throwing shit at us, spiraling our lives out of control, sending us into places, circumstances, and situations we never wanted to be a part.  But when we don’t take control and plan, and then do the hard things necessary to move those plans into action, then we cannot be proactive and are constantly moving from one disaster to another.

Getting back to the business of being happy, there’s no room for laziness or a reactive mind set.  Being happy has a lot to do with having purpose and then doing what is needed to fulfill that purpose.  Work isn’t work when you’re working with purpose or for a purpose.  It only brings us down when the effort we are expelling is only to meet a need.  If we work just to pay the bills, to survive from one paycheck to another, yet not LIVING in the moment, then we will despise what we do and hate every moment.  But, when we work because we have a goal, a vision, a dream, or a purpose, then what we do isn’t draining.  We don’t wake up in the morning groaning and despising having to get dressed and go. If that’s our mornings, we need to remind ourselves it’s not our jobs we hate or that makes us unhappy, it’s our state of mind, happiness, and purpose.  I don’t particularly love my job, but I like the opportunities it provides.  

I’m happy, because I’m happy with myself.  I can look at my image in the mirror and smile, because I love the woman I am and have become.  I am proud of myself. I’ve been through hell and back, been knocked down so many times, but I keep getting back up.  I’ve been rejected, unloved, and unwanted, yet I continue to hope, to love, and to dream.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes, done shameful things, but I’ve worked hard making amends, facing my demons, and repenting for my sins. I’ve learned from my mistakes.  I’m my own hero. If no one else on this planet thinks I’m amazing or worthy of their love, their time, or their attention, well… that’s their loss, because I think I’m pretty damned amazing.  It’s time I got back to it, too.  Call me arrogant, but not too many people are going to be able to keep up with me in these coming days, because I’m back to the business of being happy, of chasing dreams, and of living life out loud.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

The Zombie Killer

I will admit, I’m really confused this morning, which isn’t to say that I’m not confused most mornings. My thoughts are always deep, always reflective, and most often beyond my comprehension as the new day begins. Sometimes I love this about myself because it’s a reminder I’m much more than this meat suit I’m wearing. I’m deeper. I have a mind, a soul, and a heart. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one. I know, I know… I know I’m not, but sometimes it’s just so hard to see them in a world full of zombies. It’s so hard to love those zombies knowing they feel nothing in return.

When I’m referring to zombies, I’m not talking about the walking dead like in the television show. I’m talking about people who live in this world but they’re not really living, only existing. They don’t think about anything but themselves - what they want, what they need, what they hope to the point they can’t see the living around them, and in essence due to their selfishness, destroy that life by infecting it with their disease. They walk through life existing, doing what they need to do to get through the day, through the week, through the month, through the year, doing the same thing over and over and over, wanting more, desiring more, but doing nothing more to change anything. They’re waiting, sleeping, hiding and hoping that someone will come into their life with a cure and magically wake them up, and their life will change. They’ll get that new job. They’ll win the lottery. They’ll fall in love. They’ll write that book. They’ll take that trip. Their estranged family members will forgive and reach out to them. Lost loves will return and love them again. This reminds me of a meme I once saw with a group of people all walking in the same direction, but every one of them was looking down at their phones and not seeing they were part of a group, that others walked beside them.

I understand the disease of zombie-ism. I lived as one for a little while. Well, lived isn’t quite the right word. I closed my heart, and hid deep inside because I was so hurt and so afraid. I walked away from a man I was deeply in love with because I was trying to be selfless, yet in turn became selfish. For the first time in my life I was a coward. Fearing death, I became afraid to live. Since then, I’ve been hoping someone would come along and help me feel alive again, be the spark that would bring me back to myself, resurrect that woman living out loud. Yet, that kind of external spark doesn’t give life, it only creates a monster that doesn’t understand it’s a monster until confronted by a hateful, prejudicial, and judgmental world. In ignorance, there was a false and temporary sense of happiness. (I’ll get back to this subject in a moment.) The true spark of life had to come from within myself. I knew this, but in my zombie state I had forgotten. There were other things I had forgotten as well, such as how it felt to have someone treat me like I didn’t matter, like I was unimportant, and unwanted. He was right. I don’t matter to HIM, and he now no longer matters to me. But I thank him for being the asshole he was, because he reminded me that I do matter, I am important, and I am very much wanted - to ME. He’s the one that’s lost something wonderful - he lost a cheerleader, a friend, someone that would’ve given him the world. Fuck him. His loss is my gain. His actions of shutting me out, fueled me inside and finished waking up that sleeping giant. I don’t wish him ill, though. I do love him very much and no matter how he treated me, I honestly hope he finds the happiness he’s looking for but couldn’t find with me.

That anger is still fueled inside me. It’s reminded me how my ex-husband treated me as inconsequential for twenty years. Yes, he was a great father, good provider, steady hand in a world of uncertainty, but he was a zombie and a terrible and lousy husband who nearly every day of our marriage let me know I wasn’t what he wanted, but a responsibility, a promise, an obligation. I can say this one thing about him, which is really, really, really rare in the world today, he at least kept his word. The world is so full of liars. I’m so sick of liars. I heard he’s getting remarried soon. With all sincerity, I do hope he’s finally happy.

But, what is true happiness? Who really has it? Is it found in something tangible, in a kiss, in a life event, in a moment? In money, marriage, security? Another friend of mine wrote a thesis for his college paper and asked me to review and edit it for him, and I can’t get the idea of this pursuit of happiness out of my head. Perhaps in combination of the many changing events in my life these past few months it’s all coming to a juncture and has my mind whirling at the moment.

I know a man that tells me he’s happy, yet his actions confuse me. He’s married to a beautiful woman, but she isn’t enough for him and he has girlfriends on the side. Yes, yes… I can hear my guy friends right now saying, “Sounds good to me… I’d be happy too with a wife and girlfriends too.” I don’t understand why this is a man’s fantasy. But, are they really? Is the lying, cheating, sneaking around, being deceitful, and possibly breaking the heart of the person or persons they claim to love really what makes a man happy? Is that true happiness or just another lie they’ve told themselves to appease a guilty conscience, a false reality, a fantasy? Do they have a conscience? Are they not just a zombie feeling nothing but the desire to feed their own needs, their own wants and carnal desires, with no regard to the destruction they leave behind, or realize they’re infectious and spread their disease to the very people they claim to love? This particular man calls me a fool because I hold onto the belief that I will one day find real love, the kind of love found in heroic stories and fairy tales, a forever kind of love, that one day someone will love me as honestly and as deeply as I love them. So far the world has proven me wrong and him right, but I’m still holding onto that hope – that one day I will find that love. I know that kind of love is possible, because I have that kind of love. If it is possible in me, then it is possible in others. Or, is this some false reality I’ve created for myself? I’m telling you, it’s getting hard to believe these days.

I’m often told I’m weird, odd, and different. While I know they mean this following statement as a compliment, but when I’m told, “You’re like no one I’ve ever met before,” it makes me want to cry because usually what follows soon after is, “I love you, but…” The funny, well, not so funny, thing is… they really do love me. Most of them are still part of my life because they love me as a person, as a friend, they just didn’t choose me. I used to think that something was wrong with me, that I wasn’t enough, that I was just too strange for them, too unpredictable. I suppose that stems from all the years of being told I wasn’t what they were attracted to, or I’m too wild, too rebellious, too opinionated, or they chose the safe route, the sure thing. But I believe it’s because they realize I want more than they could offer. I don’t dream little, I dream big. I am a fighter and I don’t sit on my ass waiting for my dreams to come true, or someone to come along and hand my life to me. I take it. I make it happen. I have soared to unimaginable height and accomplished some things most only dream about. I’ve also fell to great painful depths, and experienced true horrors, yet in the face of them possess the ability to still love, to still hope, to still dream. They’re right. They don’t deserve me. I deserve a true hero, someone that isn’t a coward, someone that is willing to risk everything for me – because they love me, because they know I love them and will risk everything for them. I deserve what I’m willing to give – and that’s going to be a whole lotta man and some big ass shoes to fill. Cowards need to just run away, because I could never choose a coward, because I’m not a coward.

So, in consideration of my friend’s thesis on happiness. I have found my true happiness comes in the everyday little things of life. I appreciate life in so many different ways. I find beauty in the simple things – like a father horse-playing with his children, a friend spending hours playing a video game as a distraction for their heartbroken friend, best friends arguing over who’s turn it is to do the dishes, yelling at other drivers because you’re late for work and your bestie backing you up with sign language, a friend listening to you butcher practicing your daily Spanish lessons, getting unexpected, silly or inspirational text messages through the day, friends reading their favorite books together and then having long discussions, playing a game together, cooking for one another, dancing while cleaning, singing out loud and off key in the car. These are the true moments of happiness…. And these moments can only be experienced when we live in the moment – not lost in the past, not hoping for the future… but in appreciation of everyday little moments, being considerate of those we love, inviting them to share in our lives… all of it… our hopes, dreams, pain, doubts, fears, objections, wants, etc. Sharing life – looking up and noticing the person next to us is a breathing, living, person with emotions, thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

I see you.

Do you see me?

Or are you a Zombie?

Till next time,

~The Zombie Killer

Happiness

Happiness. Is it real? Does it really exist? What does it look like? What does it consist? What are the rules, parameters, stipulations? How can something undefined, unsolidified exist? How can something so distinctly relative and individually interpreted be definable in any common sense or in a general definition?

According to Webster’s Dictionary, happiness is the state of being happy; an experience that makes you happy. But, what is happy? Again, Merriam-Webster declares that happy is an adjective that means feeling pleasure and enjoyment because of your life, situation, etc.; showing or causing feelings of pleasure and enjoyment; pleased or glad about a particular situation, event, etc.

Well, then everyone in the world has had such moments, even the most depraved, repressed, depressed, enslaved person has at one time or another experienced such moments. But, does that make them happy?

A writer friend of mine, Tom Piccirilli, well, more or less a writer acquaintance of mine, passed away a few days ago. I had the pleasure of interviewing him last year for West Georgia Living Magazine. I think fondly on our interview, on his appreciative words about my article, on his gifts as a wonderful writer. His wife posted about his passing today on his Facebook account. My heart broke that he had finally lost his battle with cancer, but it wasn’t sadness I felt when reading his wife’s words, it was something deeper than that, something precious. I was being shown what happiness was in the midst of grief. His wife spoke of the happy years they had together. Sure they had plenty of bad times and bad moments, he battled cancer – it was tough, but they spent those times together, loving each other, supporting one another, and that is what made them happy. Bad moments couldn’t destroy their overall happiness; they didn’t matter.

I remember loving James during the most stressful time of my life, and when he died and the darkness settled in on me, that’s when I knew I had been happy right in the middle of the struggles. I have many, many happy moments with my kids: I remember playing outside in the rain with them, splashing in the mud, lying in bed telling them stories, slip-n-sliding in kitchen floor (it was my way of mopping), smack-talking during a board or card game, having Guitar Hero competitions, letting them show me how to pop waves on the jet ski, playing the clean-up-race-game, dressing up in costumes for a mid-night book release party, and so on and so forth. My kids loved me and I loved them... and I was really happy.

Things change. People grow up, lives get disrupted, and some leave this world and leave us behind. My world has changed so much in the last few years and I’ve shed quite a few tears because of it, but you know what… I’m still happy, I still know happiness, it’s just in different things and comes in different ways. It’s never in what I think it should or would be. I’m kinda lost trying to figure out who I am and where I belong. Happiness, for me, is now found in a random text, while killing aliens, in an occasional touch, in a sweet kiss, or in a simple embrace. Some days I’m so sad I can’t breathe, but even in that I find happiness.

I can’t go back and grab happiness from anything in my past. Those things don’t work for my present. I can’t sit and wait for happiness to happen, because it’s not something you can make happen, and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. It’s a present state of being, regardless of feelings, because of what is happening here and now. I’m learning happiness comes from loving and being loved… and I love very much, and am loved very much. Is it ideal, how I think I should be, or consists of what I should do, or wrapped in a way I think it should come? Does it matter? No. I can’t fit my life into the shape, the mold, or the ideal of anything other than what it is. It’s crazy. It’s odd. It’s different. It’s unconventional. It’s weird. It clashes with every group of society and I’m really sick and tired of trying to make it fit somewhere. I don’t fit in, and those strange creatures who don’t often understand why they love me, love me for all that I am. They can’t seem to get rid of me, but they can’t define me either. Doesn’t matter… as long as they love me, I’m happy.

Should I leave this world tomorrow… know that I lived today and I was happy.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Are You Happy?

What is happiness? Is it a feeling, a state of being, a chemical release of dopamine in the brain? Meeting a lot of new people recently from jumping back into the dating pool, I have to have some kind of idea of who I am, what I want, what I like, what I don’t like. Just as much as I’m getting an idea of who they are, I’m also getting a sense of who I am and what makes me happy. It’s exciting, but at the same time exhausting. This time around it’s a little different. I don’t know if maybe I’ve been hurt too much, but I’m more emotionally detached. A good thing about that, is that I’m not lost behind feelings and can see things from a clearer perspective.

We all have different ideas of happiness, just as we have different ideas of love. The definition and meaning is just as individual to us as our DNA. We may have similar patterns, options, likes, beliefs, etc.. as our neighbor, but we are individually minded and one person’s happiness is not the same as another’s.

So, I can’t define happiness on the whole, not something that will encapsulate every one of us. I can only define what happiness means to me. Well, I can try, anyway. Happiness for me is about as elusive as love. I’m not even sure I could recognize it. Most often I don’t know it occurs until I’m in a moment of despair and think on a better time, to realize I had been happy. Well, here goes.

Simple moments make me happy. Grand gestures make me feel uncomfortable and puts me on guard and has me questioning motives. I don’t want the world. I can’t think of anything in this world that I want that I couldn’t get for myself or in receiving would or could make me happy. Things don’t make me happy. I’ve had things, I’ve lost things, I’ve left things… and none of them ever made me happy. Sure, some of them brought on a moment of happiness, but they’re just things. Usually it wasn’t the thing itself, but the circumstances around those things that stoked the happiness into flame. All the things I can think that would make me happy are intangible.

A kiss, a whispered secret, a song, a touch, holding hands, making love, sharing dreams, tangled legs, laughter, delicious food, being in nature, pondering the universe, chasing waterfalls, reading a great adventure, sharing something I wrote, having someone share their heart, their gift, their dreams with me, staring into a set of beautiful eyes. Not one of those moments involve what this world seems to crave – things, money, sex, fame, or success.

There are a few moments that I can close my eyes that I know will stay with me forever, that I consider the happiest moments of my life:

· My son, at two, putting his little hands on the sides of my face and looking right at me and saying, “I love you, Mama, and nobody else.”

· Standing on the curb at a busy airport, so nervous I wanted throw up, my hands shaking, my heart pounding, my legs weak, and meeting a pair of hazel eyes and a beautiful smile.

· Standing next to a car, being held tightly, as a strong hand lightly ran their fingers over my hair.

· Falling asleep with my head on a warm chest while watching t.v, listening to a strong, steady heartbeat, feeling completely safe for one of the few times in my life.

· Staying up all night, staring at the stars, talking on the phone about dreams.

· Sitting in a little restaurant, feeling overwhelmed, lost, and scared, to look up and see love smiling down at me in an Army uniform. I think I’ve been looking for that particular gaze ever since, fearing I will only see it once in my lifetime.

· Lying in bed with my three kids in the early morning hours before school, telling stories. I can still feel them sometimes. And in that place between sleep and awake, I can still hear them running and laughing down the halls.

So, what is happiness? Love. All the moments that I’ve been happy in my life involve moments of love. Either me loving, or being loved. The things that make me happy lately are playing video games with my son, sharing favorite songs with a friend, Skyping with my best friend, playing my guitar, hiking, writing on my novel, exercise, and cooking.

I cling tightly to my memories. They’re what gets me through the day. I have to take my days one at time. Facing uncertainty, knowing I could die tomorrow, makes me appreciate those moments even more. Going months without even the briefest of human touch, or even an emotional connection, makes it really hard not to slip into depression, but I refuse. Even if the world never loves me back, I won’t give up. Love for myself will just have to be enough, because only in love will I find my happiness.

Till next time,



Happy Girl

Understanding Humanity

One of the biggest themes in my current WIP is an archangel experiencing and learning about the complexities of humanity. I’m really curious what he discovers in the end (I haven’t written the ending yet), because the thing that confuses me most is humanity, or more specific - human emotion and the way we sometimes treat one another. I’m a human, I should understand it, but I don’t. People confuse the hell out of me. They’re unpredictable, and quite frankly, disappoint me often.

One of my good friends really loves to ‘tell me like it is’ and sometimes makes a comment that I’m too hard on people and hold them to too high a standard; that I make people feel like they can never please me because I expect too much. What am I supposed to do with that? Apologize that I expect people to be decent, to act with goodness and kindness, to make reasonable decisions, to expect them to do and try their best? Perhaps he’s right. Perhaps I do hold people to a higher standard, but not something that I don’t hold myself to first.

Some people are just assholes - self-centered egotists, who can’t get their head’s out of their asses long enough to think about other people. They’re often miserable in their quest for success or domination, but it only makes them end up alone or surrounded with people just as shallow as they are – now, that I find very sad. Most of the time they don’t understand why they feel empty or like shit, because they’re not thinking about what they’re pouring into themselves or into the lives of the people that come into their circle. What you eat, what you read, what you watch, what you participate in, what your habits are – that’s what makes you who you are, determines how you feel, and creates the atmosphere in which you live. If you only consider yourself and what YOU want – you’re not sharing yourself with the people around you, therefore you won’t enjoy the fruits of their true friendship. You get the semblance of a friendship. But a true friendship is an invaluable treasure. All those fake friends don’t mean shit and will scatter like the wind if you actually ever needed any of them.

I love my friends and I have some of the best friends in the world because they genuinely care about me. They love me, and I love them more than I could ever express to them. They share their fears, hopes, complaints, and aspirations with me, and provide an ear and support for me to share mine. That’s what friendship is – and exchange of who we are as human beings. It can’t be all give or take – or else it’s not a real friendship.

I’d rather have one true friend than a thousand acquaintances. I do truly believe in the golden rule – that we should treat others as we want to be treated. But think about that – would you want to be treated the way you treat others? Would you want to be treated with disrespect, indifference, arrogance, selfishness, contempt, prejudice, etc. Would you want to be played, lied to, cheated on, hurt, abused, or used? Would you want to be ignored, bullied, or just thrown away?

Be careful how you treat others. Try to understand humanity. Karma is a bitch. You want friends, be a friend. You want love, love. You want happiness, spread happiness. You want life – live. And for those cancers that come into your life and try to drag you down with their negativity, prejudice, arrogance, and selfishness – give them an opportunity to change, but if they don’t, cut them out like a cancerous tumor lest they kill you both.

I’m a very rich woman because I have a few true great friends.

Till next time,

~A Grateful Friend

Precious

I love to cook.  I love the taste, the smell, and the texture of food.  I used to hate it because of how I abused it and used it to try and fill an emptiness inside me.  Food never worked.  That hole remained, but I had this huge body that I tried to use to also fill that emptiness, at the same time as a barrier to keep others out.  I couldn’t be filled, but I did succeed at keeping people out.

In truth, I checked out.  I checked out of my life and spent most of my time fulfilling the needs, wants, and demands of others, while hiding within myself.  I narrowed my world as my body expanded.  I snacked on everything I could find and sabotaged any diet I had tried.  Not purposefully, but subconsciously.  I was too much of a coward to quickly kill myself, so I was doing it slowly.

On the outside, people wouldn’t know about the pain and shame I carried.  I really needed help, but having been a survivor I learned to wear my mask so well, no one could see I needed help – I couldn’t even see it.  I remember that it was a daily thought to just drive into a tree, off a bridge, into oncoming traffic – just to make it all stop.  The daily rejection.  I felt like I let my children down, myself down, my church down, God down.  I could never do enough, be enough, I was disappointment – so I pushed harder and harder.  I worked and worked and worked – became excellent in my profession, a leader in my church, a cheerleader to my children. I searched for that love and acceptance from others (husband, church, children, family, friends) so I could love myself.  It doesn’t work that way.

We are fools to believe success, money, titles, or even love and affection and acceptance from other people will make us happy, make us love ourselves – and then expect that love to make us better.  NONE of it will satisfy, just like that food.  It may appease for a moment, but just as soon as the digestion process starts, the hunger pains return.  It’s a destructive cycle.

Oh, how far I’ve come in the last few years.  I’m not even the same person – literally half the size, but THAT isn’t my greatest accomplishment.  My journey started with a suicidal thought.  I was so ashamed.  One of my children had run away from home and I had nightmares worrying for her safety, her well-being not knowing if she was dead or alive.  I felt like such a failure as a parent.  I had done all the right things, followed all the rules, said my prayers, but none of it mattered.  No matter what I did – I couldn’t stop the bad things from happening.  I thought the abuse I had suffered as a child was horrible, but it didn’t compare to being a parent worrying over a child and feeling you had failed them, and failed God.  I was certain these things happened because I wasn’t good enough, didn’t pray good enough, didn’t obey enough, didn’t please my husband enough, so I just wanted to die.

I had a dream I was standing on a stage and it was dark, but I could hear the sound of many voices and knew there was a vast audience.  I stood beneath a single spotlight with my head down, because the light hurt my eyes.  I heard a voice call my name and tell me to lift my head, but I said I too ashamed. I didn’t want the people to see me.  Again the voice called my name and told me to lift my head.  

The voice in the darkness that filled the room, spoke softly, but loudly in front of the vast audience and said, “You are precious.”  Just those simple words felt so heavy, so alien.  I shook my head vigorously and cried, “No, I’m nobody.” Again the voice said, “You are precious.  I have put my words into your mouth and have written them into the palm of your hands.” I fell to my knees and cried out, “No, I’m not worthy. I’m nobody. Nobody wants me.” The house lights came up and all I could see was a sea of people and they were cheering for me.  I turned and a man stood beside me and I asked him, “I don’t understand.” He answered me.  “You are precious.  Open your eyes and see.  Open your ears and hear.”

I looked down at my hands and they were the hands of a dead and rotting person, but the flesh started to change, became healthy and younger looking.  My body slimmed, I become stronger, my hair became longer and I felt beautiful, vibrant, full of life.  The room filled with music and golden words, thousands upon thousands of them, swirled in the air.

I’d like to say I woke from that dream with a new lease on life and a new revelation, but I didn’t.  It only confused me, but one thing did change.  Not very noticeable at first – but looking back I can see now they were the beginning steps.  I did a teaching on how people treated you when you presented yourself in a different way – by me wearing a tiara everywhere I went.  The next teaching was about women who were unloved by their husbands.  Then I did a teaching on loving yourself.  These three teachings changed my life.  Because that’s exactly what I started doing – I started loving myself, recognizing who I was and what I wanted in life and in a partner, and how I saw myself.

It’s been a VERY, very long road, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m not going to say it’s been filled with one GREAT triumph after the next.  On the contrary… it’s been scary as hell and filled with so much uncertainty and whole lot of loneliness.   I’m not done with this journey – I’ve really only just begun.  But for the first time in my whole life, I’m happy.  I love me. I love my life. I love my body.  I love my mind. I love my heart.  I’m precious.  I know that someday someone else is going to love me – but I don’t need them.  If I ever let someone in, it will be because I simply want them.

I also have learned to love food.  Food is not my enemy - I was my enemy.  I’ve learned to moderate, to cook well, to have fun, and enjoy my food.  The picture with the blog post shows I’ve turned cooking into an art and eating into a pleasure.  I’m healthy. I’m strong. I’m beautiful.  Somehow I’ve transformed into that woman I saw in my dreams a few years ago.  I’m so proud of her and I love her dearly.  She’s precious.

Till next time,
Precious

Happiness

I’ve really been spending a lot of time thinking about happiness, what I think would and does make me  happy in this world, and what I think would and does make those I love happy.  The answers to those questions are as unique as we are from each other, as well as similar.  Those answers really depend on the person, their history, their life, their thoughts, their ideals, their morals, and the things they value.  I can’t answer those questions for anyone else, because my answer would only be a speculation due to my observances and filtered through my own set of morals, values and experiences.  Therefore it’s biased.

Unable to speak,  speculate, or even postulate for someone else, I have to keep this idea centered on myself and treat me as the subject of study as well as be the student of understanding.

So what is happiness to me?

How the hell do I know? There are a lot of things, situations, and circumstances that bring on a sense of happiness within and around me.  I’m moved by emotion and consequence as much as the next, the only difference is to what varying degree.

So what things, situations, and circumstances move me?

Literature – reading, writing, discussing it, discovering it, sharing it, pondering it, and just having it fuel my imagination makes me happy.  It doesn’t just make me smile, it touches a very deep part of me, and brings out a satisfaction of the mind and soul the way coitus does after having great sex, which great sex is also something that moves me. Literature in varying degrees will always be a part of my life.

Nature – hiking, exploring, enjoying and learning about this beautiful universe in which we live makes me happy.  From discovering the function of the tiniest of atoms to speculating the vastness of the universe, I love existence and the science of it.  I love nature. I love knowing I’m a part of something so beautiful, so perfect in design, even when I feel alone in its vastness.

Humanity – this is a hard one because as much as I love it, I hate it.  The way we love one another and rise to greatness, we also hate and sink to vilest of depths.  I’ve seen the greatest acts of bravery and the lowliest acts of cowardice.  I’ve experienced both joy and pain, happiness and sadness, love and hate from my fellow human beings, and have committed these acts myself.  The way we treat one another confounds me.  I don’t sit in judgment because I stand guilty, too.  I don’t exalt myself either because that is also vanity – meaningless.  Solomon had it right in Ecclesiastes – Meaningless, it’s all meaningless.  There is no greater thing under the sun that to eat, to drink, and to be happy.

Finding out what makes someone truly happy isn’t  a cookie cutter answer.  It requires a lot of experimentation and experience, mixed with failures and successes.  But one thing that NEVER fails to make ME happy, make me glow inside with pure satisfaction …is when I do something  for someone I love that leads to their happiness.  This world is shit.  It’s hard. It’s cruel, hateful, and unforgiving.  I have every natural right to be just as angry and hateful, but instead of letting anger rule me as it used to, I CHOOSE to hope for that atom of happiness.  The games people play in this world are just a reflection of all the pain.  I’ve been played so many times, sometimes knowing I was being played, but still clung desperately to the hope that maybe one act of love could change everything for someone.  Some call me naïve.  Some call me a fool.  Some just come right out and call me stupid.  I’m discovering it’s the unloved and unwanted who often love the most because they’ve had to learn to love themselves and make themselves happy – something the greatly loved often never learn.

Love makes me happy.  I may never receive it from another human being, and I’ll have to be okay with that – and I will be okay with that because I’ve learned to love me. I will continue to love those around me even if they push me away or don’t reciprocate.  I don’t love – to be loved.  Because I’m already loved and filled with love, that state allows me to share that love.  I don’t love everyone.  There are some in this world I hate.  I’m not God.  God so loved the world … that was his job, not mine.  Just as it’s not my job to save the world, either.  Jesus said that all the commandments are wrapped up in two simple ones – that if we can master those two we will in spirit master them all and they both center on love – to love God and to love one another AS we love ourselves (people forget that second part – because most don’t love themselves  - so how are they loving others  - but that’s a whole other topic.).  Yet… those are the two hardest things in the world to do.  I don’t have a problem loving God, but I have a serious problem with religion.  I don’t have a problem loving myself, but loving others is a bit more difficult.  But when I manage to do it, it truly makes me happy.

What makes you happy?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Miscommunication

I can’t wait to get back into the woods.  I’m so proud of the trips I’ve made so far this past year (Olympic National Park, Mt. Rainier, Providence Canyon, Cheaha, Chattahoochie Bend, Banning Mills, McIntosh Reserve, Amicalola Falls, Appalachian Trail (7.5 miles), Fort Benning, Red Top Mountain, Sweetwater Creek, Sharp Creek State Park, John Tanner State Park, Lake Carroll, Walker Lake, etc ), and look forward to the trips coming up on my schedule (Cloudland Canyon, Stone Mountain, Grand Canyon, Badlands, Redwoods, Portland, Carlsbad Caverns, 43 more miles of the Appalachian Trail,  . I truly can’t express what being in the woods does for me. I’ve tried to explain it and my love for it, but I find most people don’t really understand what I’m saying, or just dismiss my remarks.  Do they think I just like the sound of my own voice?

Being on a dating site and meeting a bunch of new people, you’d be surprised at how little people really pay attention to what you say and how most of them don’t really know what they even want and like.  I’ve made myself as clear and as plain as I possibly can, but they still don’t listen.  THAT is now become the greatest quality I look for in a man… the ability to listen.  

The second quality is the ability to examine themselves and what they really want and know to be the truth of it. Many times we think we want something in our lives, or even in some cases what we think we don’t want in our lives, mostly because it sounds good or we are trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt.  But what we really like and what we really want … isn’t what we say or dream… but what we do.   Don’t tell me you love hiking and haven’t stepped foot in the forest in nearly a decade.  You’re lying to yourself.  You don’t love hiking, you love the idea of hiking.   

Don’t tell me you love adventure and trying something new when you’ve worked the same routine for the last decade.  You’re just bored.  If you truly loved adventure, your life would be filled with adventure.  It might not be on the scale you hoped or dreamed… but you truly are what you do – not what you think you do. We’re a bunch of liars.

I know about lying to yourself.  I’ve done it for a very long time.  It made me miserable.  I can’t and won’t do it anymore.  I’m really looking for adventure.  I’ve made so many giant leaps that I’m like Superman – able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  I know how to fall too… but even more so – how to get back up.

I really am looking for love, not become an addition or trophy to your boring life.  I’m not boring.  I’m not compatible with boring.  I’m passionate.  I’m bold.  I’m scared shitless (whatever the fuck that means), I take risks.  If I come into your life… your life will never be boring.  

So, what am I saying?  Wake the fuck up and get real with yourselves, people.  Life is too damned short to sleep through it.  All that stuff you’re trying to accumulate because you think it will make you happy is the biggest fucking lie you tell yourself.  Happiness is a state of being.  If you’re not happy with nothing… nothing will ever make you happy.  When I die, I want my tombstone or urn to say, “She lived… she really fucking lived.”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Those Moments

I wish I could live in those moments, you know, those moments when everything is new, when hope is burning bright, when your heart is racing at the idea of all of the possibilities, when new adventures show up in your life.  

I know you know what I’m talking about.  

It’s that excitement you feel when you first meet someone.  You weren’t looking for them, but turn around and there they are, and your world suddenly becomes a little brighter.  You didn’t even realize your life wasn’t burning so bright before, but now that a specific spot of sunshine has appeared and the adventure has begun, it’s a great feeling. You have a spring in your step, a song in your heart, a sense of peace that everything is going to be alright.

It’s when you’ve been living in the mundane, the uncertain, the rut - and then all of a sudden there’s a relief, a change that pushes you out the ditch you’ve been in – the start of a new job, the excitement of meeting new people, new processes, new utilizations of your gifts and talents.  Hope and possibilities.

It’s when you’ve found a new place to explore.  You plot, plan, and prepare to start the journey and your mind fills up with all the possibilities of that adventure and of what you can experience.  

I wish I could live in those moments forever, because life is good there.  It’s the memory, the experience, the joy that we feel in those moments that pushes and sustains us through all the other moments… the moments of heartbreak, disappointment, rejections, failure, and loss.  

Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful for the lesser moments, because without them I wouldn’t appreciate and value the exciting moments.  I’m just trying to change my life so that I have more of the prime moments than the lesser ones.  My heart breaks, it’s actually broken at the moment, yet I continue to desire those happier moments.  I can’t stay in this heartbreak, I can’t stay in the fear, the depression, or the pain.  I have to pick myself up, encourage myself to move forward, or else I’ll get stuck in another rut.

All those positive notes of inspiration that I share aren’t because I roll out of bed every morning so happy I can’t help but spread my cheer.  It’s actually quite the opposite.  I’m most often hurt, scared,  and lost because my life is in transition (we are all always in transition).  But, I CHOOSE to confront all that pain and fear with hope for a better day – today; one day at a time – one moment at a time - one decision at a time to fight and refuse to allow the other moments to consume me.  I speak all this positive hope into my life – and guess what -  as I grab onto it my day gets brighter, my fears abate, and a smile genuinely fills my face.  

So here’s to meeting that next beautiful person in my life, the new job, the new project, the new adventure, the new friend, etc.  Come.  Come quickly.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Triumphant Change

Woo-hoo!!! 90 lbs, BABY!!!!! I've hit the 90 lb loss mark since January 2013!!!!!!

No pills, no pre-packaged meals, no counting, no shakes or gym membership, no personal trainer or chef.

But before you think it was an easy, quick fix, let me reassure you - it was ANYTHING but easy.

The FIRST step: Changed my mindset. I quit telling myself I NEEDED all those things listed above in order to get healthy, because those are just excuses. Yes, I had physical problems, mostly due to my poor health and obesity. But to change it for good - to change the outside - I had to change my mindset that it wasn't just something I needed to do, but what I had to do, what I deserved. I deserved to be happy. I deserved to be healthy. I deserved to be sexy and beautiful.

The NEXT step: Changed my lifestyle. I quit sitting around all day. I started walking, scheduling outdoor activities, parking at the end of the parking lot - not the closest spot, started walking up stairs instead of elevators, started hiking, participating in 5k runs, and started exercising. YES it hurt... ALL of it hurt, but I didn't try to master it all at once, I just simply made it a necessary part of my lifestyle. I also didn't depend or count on anyone else to do it with me... because this journey wasn't their journey - this was mine.

The LAST step: Changed my eating habits. I learned to moderate the portions and types of foods I consumed. I didn’t follow a strict diet plan, just a principal... eat in moderation and as natural as possible. I can have ANYTHING (other than to what I am allergic) I want - as long I balance it out, eat an appropriate portion, and don’t feed my emotions. I learned to enjoy my food. I learned to cook gourmet food, to love plating, and to appreciate natural fruits, vegetables, and lean meats. I smile now when I go to eat, instead of looking at food as my enemy. It wasn't the food, but how I consumed it.

I'm sure I'll lose more weight, but my journey isn't just about the weight... it's about the freedom that comes from living a healthier lifestyle. I wish I could snap my fingers and be able to share this same type of success with everyone who struggles with their weight, but I can't. This is something that you have to want and do for yourself. The goal isn’t to lose weight, but gain a life of healthy happiness because you love yourself and believe you deserve to be healthy and happy.

I also want to add... I didn't do this alone. I have a couple of friends who loved me, encouraged me, and were there with me every step of my journey. They didn't run beside me, but they were there through all the tears and triumphs. They loved me - and that love pushed me forward. They know who they are (because both of them HATE any kind of attention), so I don't have to mention them here - but I love them more than I can ever express.

Till next time,
~The 90lb lighter T.L. Gray

http://www.tlgray.blogspot.com

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Good Morning, World - 04-22-2014 - Sense of Humor

Be Happy

I'm learning that the happier I am, the happier people I attract, and the happier people become around me. Happiness and joy are contagious. I feel better, stronger and am less afraid.  But also just as addictive are the negative depressives.  Another important thing I'm learning is that I don't have to allow these negative depressives into my life - it's okay to cut them out.

I'm not talking about beautiful friends who may be having a bad day, a hard time, or a moment of sadness, weakness, or depression.  Being a good friend is reaching out and being a comfort to them, lending a shoulder, a hug, an attentive ear - and doing all we can to be there and lift our friend out of the dark place.  Those are the best opportunities to share our happiness, be an inspiration, and be a good friend. I wouldn't be where I am today without the wonderful friends in my life who helped me.

What I am talking about are those who ONLY look at the world with negative dark-colored glasses, where they seek out all that's wrong with everything (yes, the world sucks and there's a lot of bad things going on - I don't stick my head in mud and pretend I live in a fairy tale), look for the bad in everyone, expects everyone to hurt, have manipulative intents and alternative motives.  I know.  I used to be that hurt, angry, little girl. It's not a nice way to live.  It ages and beats you down and crushes your spirit.

I'm becoming that irritating person who chooses to look for the silver-lining.  I show up to work smiling, singing and spreading positive platitudes, skipping through the day making all negative depressives want to stab me in the face. But I choose to still smile, because they have no idea what I'm going through, or that most days I'm fighting some of the biggest battles in my life, or that I walk around terrified and alone almost all the time.  My smile is my weapon.  An upbeat song in my heart, or playing in my ears through my iPod, is my armor.

There will be days when I'm going to need to be carried, because I've dropped my weapons and have been overcome by the shadows of depression - but those days are happening less and less as I become happier. 

Proverbs 16:24: "Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and medicine to the bones."
Proverbs 17:22: "A merry heart does good, like medicine.  But a broken spirit dries the bones."

Smile today, especially if you don't feel like it. 

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray