If You Can Fly - Come Find Me

Not all changes happen on the outside.  The best ones, the ones that have the most impact, often happen on the inside.  I’ve always heard the phrase that if you want to make a change on the outside, you have to first make a change on the inside, or it’s not really a change at all.  I’ve come to realize that the outside is either a reflection or a mask.  I used to hide behind a mask, a secret identity, but I’ve since learned to shed my skin and expose all that I am to a harsh and judgmental world.

I've had some ups and down in my journey of change, expect even more, but I've accomplished so much in a short period of time.  I've not just lost weight, but I've focused on getting my body, mind and spirit healthier and stronger.  I've learned a lot about my limits, and pushing myself beyond those limits, and listening to what my body, my heart, and my mind needs.  I've learned to love and appreciate them for what they are, not only focused on what they could become. 

I used to not be able to look at my scars, being reminded of the pain in receiving them, some things no human should have to endure. I’ve seen the true face of evil – it has burned, cut, stabbed, raped, degraded, abandoned and used me. I don’t know how I survived, but I did.  But, the outward scars are not the only ones left by abuse, there are inward scars that run much deeper. Those are the ones no one but a few ever get to see.

I’m a beautiful woman, but I know that not everybody will be able to get passed my scars, both inwardly and outwardly.  Not everyone has the strength to look at them and see their beauty.  I would win no beauty contest and would never be the object of a dream fantasy, but someday, some lucky man is going to be showered with such an abundance of love he’ll be overwhelmed.  Because it required an abundance of love to get me where I am and to teach me to see the world, people, and things around me with a different set of eyes.  I used to have shallow eyes, and hid behind their prejudice, but I now possess x-ray vision.  I see hidden beauty where others only see skin. 

My skin is steel, forged by a stubborn will.  I use that thick skin to repel the bullets shot at me, letting them ricochet back at those who meant to wound me. I have a spirit that soars in the clouds.  The world wants to ground me, force me to keep my feet anchored to the earth, but I can’t.  My cape flaps in the wind that calls my name.  I don’t know where I’ll land, where I’ll go, or if the ride will be wrought with fear – but I leap anyway. 

So, I’m not an ordinary woman and it will only take an extraordinary man, a superman, to be my partner.  I’m a stranger and an alien, different and alone, and the world seeks to use me and my gifts for their own ends.  But, I don’t play by their rules. I won’t be found on the ground, only in the clouds.  If you can fly – come find me.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

I'm Supergirl!

Click here for the song Supergirl by Krystal Harris

Sometimes I have dreams. I picture myself flying above the clouds, high in the sky. Conquering the world with my magic piano, never being scared, but then I realize.  I'm Supergirl, and I'm here to save the world, but I wanna know, who's gonna save me? I'm Supergirl, and I'm here to save the world, but I wanna know, why I feel so alone?

Seems like a dream, but there's one thing missing. Nobody's here with me to share in all that I've been given. I need someone that's strong enough for me.  I'm Supergirl, and I'm here to save the world, but I wanna know, who's gonna save me? I'm Supergirl, and I'm here to save the world, but I wanna know, why I feel so alone?

I need someone. I won't stop till I find the one who will start belonging in my life.

Sometimes I have days where it seems I fly around putting out fires, preventing disasters, diffusing volatile situations, deflecting bullets, safely pulling jumpers off ledges in the dire pursuit and protection of my dream, to then slide my glasses back on and fill the rest of my day with the normal expectations of being a woman, a mother and a friend.  I often keep those great ‘saves’ to myself.  The empty pillow beside me doesn’t care about my achievements or can comfort my weary soul for the saves I failed to make.

My friend’s do a great job showering me with words of accolades, love and appreciation, but their words can’t compare with the security of a pair of strong arms, the admiration from a set of beautiful eyes, and the satisfaction of a genuine smile.   

What good is all the success and achievement in this world without having someone to share it? I’m not talking about just having a physical presence.  I’ve had that – and was still alone.  I’m talking about the sharing of two souls, a couple who truly understands each other, knows their strengths and weaknesses, forgives their failures and celebrates their saves. 

I am Supergirl and it’s time for me fly.  Up, up and away I ride.  This time I don’t dash to help a stranger… but to save myself.  

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

http://www.tlgray.blogspot.com

http://www.authortlgray.wordpress.com

Saving the World

Mt. Rainier - 06/09/2013

I’m not Supergirl, though that would be wickedly awesome to be able to fly away anywhere I wanted to go or simply fly away when needed; to have super strength and never show a moment of weakness; to have x-ray vision and see things clearly for what they are, not what they appear to be;  to be able to hear what is too soft, too low or too far away to understand or comprehend; to leap tall obstacles that get in my way; and be faster than bullets that fly and seek to destroy me almost daily.   Alas, I am only human.

I cannot save the world, nor is it my job.  I cannot save anyone else, only one person …me. No one else can save me either; it’s something one must do for themselves.  I’d love for someone to swoop in and sweep me off my feet, make all my dreams come true, dissolve all my worries, fight away all my fears and love me with their whole heart.  Though I write fiction, I don’t believe in fairy tales.   The truth is - I have to do all those things for myself.  

Someday I’ll want to share me with someone, so I need to make sure what I have to share is my best.  I don’t want to give someone I claim to love something that’s broken, weak, timid or frail.  That wouldn’t be me sharing me - they would be them carrying me.  I also don’t want to carry anyone else because I can barely hold myself.  They’d end up resenting me or I would resent them, and that’s not a healthy relationship.  

I’m on the road to saving myself, to loving myself, and fighting to fulfill my dreams.  Someday, I’ll meet someone who will love me completely, and I’ll have something beautiful, whole, and strong to share with them.   That would be a wonderful world in which to live.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray