Find Something Worth Dying For

A friend of mine has an Irish Gladiator banner hanging on his wall that says, “Find something worth dying for, and live for it.” I call this saying a Scottism. For several weeks now that phrase has been rolling around in the back of my mind, trying to find a tendril of understanding to latch onto, because in its simplicity it’s very profound.

Just the first part alone – the very first part – to “find.”  To find indicates an effort, a movement, the making of a decision that’s followed by action.  FIND – seek, explore, hunt, track down, identify, discover, uncover, etc. It doesn’t say wait for something … but FIND.  Get off your ass and hunt it down!

That’s where we fail as a society right out of the gate.  We’ve become a culture that doesn’t hunt, that doesn’t seek, and sure as hell doesn’t find. We want everything given to us without any effort of our own, and then lie to ourselves and tell ourselves we ‘deserve’ it.  I once heard another statement that said, “Grace is God giving us what we don’t deserve and Mercy is Him holding back what we do deserve.” What the hell do any of us really deserve?  We often get what we seek to find. If we seek shit, we find shit. We seek destruction, we find destruction.  If we seek shallow plastic, we find shallow plastic – and then bitch about only having shallow plastic.  Oh, what a world in which we live. But, thank God not everyone is that way – just the majority of common people. I thank God that “I’m uncommon amongst uncommon people.” LOL (Shout out to David Goggins for that motto – it’s ingrained into my soul now.)

Back to the Scottism I’ve been working on – Find something worth dying for…” If you really think about that – what on this earth is worth dying for? For me, EVERY bit of it is intangible. I would never die for stuff, titles, money, opportunities, or luxury. Yet, I watch people daily sell their souls and step over humanity to obtain these things that will one day burn to ash. No, all the things I would die for are intangible – Love being the greatest of these. Freedom – and man it has a high cost.  Faith – I would die for faith – believing in something bigger than myself, and in someone I love. Family – I would die to protect my family. Hope – I would die to keep hope, because I know that without hope I would already be dead.  Purpose – I would die trying to live with a purpose. But, not much else. 

I think before we put our lives on the line for the things we deem worthy to die for, we should really consider the true cost. It shouldn’t be a whim, but a truth we diligently had to search for, dig for, and then find.  But, once we got it – once we’ve given it the respect of discovering the truth of it – then and only then does the second part of that statement come to live – and hit home.  THEN … LIVE for it.

Dying for something is actually the easy part. True strength is coming from being able to LIVE for the things we would die for. God, if we would really take the time and think about all the stupid shit we waste our time chasing and started loving and appreciating the things in this world that were truly important – truly worth dying for – our lives would have so much more meaning and value. We chase after pretty faces, cold hearts, baseless and useless shit – and then bitch about it – because the truly valuable things are not easy, often not pretty, and on the surface doesn’t look spectacular. But, how blessed are we when we do get ahold of it? When we truly open our hearts and let the real shit in – the real pain – the real love – the real purpose?  Wow, just wow. Thank you, Scott for that inspiration. I don’t know where you got it – and it really doesn’t matter – because it’s latched onto my soul now.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

The Dance

We all change.  We are living beings that adapt to our surrounding and are constantly going through a metamorphosis, whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual.  Those who know me, understand how I thrive in change, yet hate it at the same time.  While I’m my best in high-pressured situations, the pressure sometimes gets to me because it drains me, requires so much of me, that at the end of the day I’m spent – zombiefied.  Though I change and adapt to the circumstances and situations to keep moving forward in my life – there’s one thing about me that never changes – my honesty.

Inside all of us, I believe, live multiple personalities, parts of us that shine at different times depending on which personality is best for the job.  Things get really messed up for us when the wrong personality works at the wrong time in the wrong situation.  That’s understandable. We’re human, not perfect.  However, I’ve met some people over the years that really blown my mind because they become such totally different people than they were upon meeting,  and leave no sign or trace of the personality I often fell in love with.

What happened?  Where did that personality go?  I’m not talking about a simple change, I’m talking about a complete 180 to where this person isn’t even recognizable.  And what do I do?  I cling to this new personality in the hope that the one I fell in love with will return.  So far, that’s never happened.

I don’t get it. I don’t get why people can’t just be honest from DAY 1.  That’s really what it boils down to, that in the beginning of these relationship the other person was lying – to themselves and to me.  They were wearing their masks, pretending to be who they wanted, but then their true selves eventually came forward and their masks fell off.

You know that old adage, “If it’s too good to be true, it often is”?  Well, that’s definitely true and one of these days I’m going to get that, and I’m going to understand that, and I’m going to learn to let go of any hope the masks were real.  The masks are not real.  I understand wearing masks, I was a pro at it.  But, I also understand the freedom of being able to lay those masks down and just be who you really are – exposing your heart, your fears, and your weaknesses.  This is what makes humanity so beautiful.

I am who I am.  Who you meet on the first day is who I am on day 20, on day 100, on day 365, and so on.  While I may change and adapt, merge and morph, I’m always honest, even when I’m wrong, confused, and angry.  I don’t wear a mask anymore.  Go back and read through these blogs and you’ll see I have exposed myself in the most intimate way possible – and that is the woman I am.

No matter how dazzling and sparkling your mask may be, I cannot love your mask.  I deserve more than the fantasy, more than the pretention, more than the dazzling show.  I deserve the hidden heart, not the song and dance.  There are plenty of other dancers in the room of life – many of them have extravagant masks – perhaps they’re more to your liking.

I stand maskless – baring my soul for all to see.  If you can’t remove your mask – bow out now and keep dancing.  

Till next time,

Maskless