Safety Mechanism

The more I learn and the more I comprehend, the less I know and the less I understand. ~T.L. Gray

As you all know, I have some of the most thought-provoking friends in the world. I suppose that’s how they become my friends in the first place, they provoke me to think outside the box, to delve into the depths of understanding and enlightenment. My soul burns with conflagration. Do I ever reach the pinnacle of wisdom and complete understanding? I make no such claims. The more I learn and the more I comprehend, the less I know and the less I understand. But it doesn’t stop me from trying. On the contrary, it fuels me and stirs my passions.

The subject this morning is ‘safety mechanisms’ we put in place to protect ourselves from allowing our imaginations to create a relationship with someone else more in our minds than what it is in reality, and therefore getting hurt when that relationship dissolves, or turns out to not be what we imagined. Because, in essence, it was the dream we created that we loved or desired more than the person. It’s a sticky subject, I know. Most people don’t want to admit the fantasies they create, and tend to blame the other person for their failure to live up to those fantasies, but that’s another post for another day. I’m getting off topic.

If two human beings are honest with each other (first we have to be honest with ourselves), then we can attempt to apply the correct boundaries, put up the correct walls, set the correct parameters for the type of relationship we will allow with another person. But when the fuck do we ever do what is correct? Anyway, back to this ‘mechanism’ - what is it really? My response this morning was: “It’s a safety net so no one gets hurt and it tames the imagination. I’ve discovered when most relationships don’t work out, most of the pain comes from the dream of what could have been more than what really was. I’m a dreamer. I have an exceptional imagination and I have to be careful what I allow myself to dream. I’m also an artist, which means I feel deeply. I’m learning to protect myself and use these ‘mechanisms’. So far, they’re working. I think.”

My wise friend responded, “I totally get that. I have to control my dreaming these days too. I’ve allowed myself to make bad decisions based on hopes and dreams, and it’s just not smart or fair to the other person.”

He’s so right. It’s not fair. We get hurt when the other person doesn’t live up to our dreams and expectations, and it’s not fair that they had to try in the first place. When we put people on pedestals, it puts a pressure and responsibility onto them that they neither deserved, nor asked for. I understand the pressure to live up to another’s expectations and ideals, and it crushed me when I failed. It hurt. It still hurts. It wasn’t equally fair to set such high dreams for them to fail to meet in my life, either.

I truly am learning to love people and appreciate the beauty of who they are, just as they are, because their lives have been an incredible journey to get where they are. They’re human beings with souls and feelings. We’re all fuck-ups. I quit trying to change them, or change myself, to meet my, their, or our expectations. It’s futile. As Ecclesiastes states, “it’s meaningless… a chasing after the wind.” I tried my damnedest to be what they wanted, what they needed, and only ended up hating and losing myself in the process.

Our conversation continued and I responded, “I have learned, but not necessarily good things. I’ve learned how to run, how to hide, how to make beautiful deflecting masks. I’ve become strategic, defensive, prepared, my guns always ready and loaded, and my armor securely in place. Yet, a kiss could unravel my defenses. But what hope will I be kissed on the battlefield, beneath my cover, and on the alert? Yet, I still believe in miracles.”

My friend replied, “Ohhh, I try my damnedest to learn from my mistakes and pain. I know there are those that try to hide it as well though. Which is the majority? Just looking at today’s society, I’d guess most people hide from it. That is, until they become more self-actualized.”

When has hiding ever solved anything? Hiding delays. Hiding blocks. Yes, it provides a sense of safety, but it’s a false sense. What are we really saving ourselves from? Living? Loving? Learning? Can we truly hide from pain? If so, I haven’t discovered that secret yet. It’s only when we take a risk to do something that we make a connection. We can’t connect within the shadows. We were not made for the shadows, but to dance in the light, to fly, to soar to great heights. As an unknown wise man once said, “If you want something you’ve never had, do something you’ve never done.”

I want a great love affair. Just like that Hunter Hayes song, “I want Crazy.” I want that whole damned song. I’m so tired of being safe, practical, careful, or responsible. I’ll post the lyrics and a YouTube link below. So, if I want Crazy, then I suppose I need to be Crazy and hold onto the dream and hope that someday somebody will come along that can appreciate my kind of crazy, and not change for those who can’t. I’ve got to learn when to fight and when to lay my weapons and armor down. I usually fuck that up. It’s a good thing I still in believe in miracles.

The conversation with my wise friend this morning ended with, “Knowing the truth and acting on it are two separate worlds. That’s why we keep getting into trouble. We ignore what we know and follow how we feel. We try like hell not to feel, yet that hurts us most of all.”

“So true,” he answered.

So true. Thank you, my friend, for the stimulating conversation this morning. Such friends are as a precious jewel to me. I appreciate you.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

~

Hunter Hayes

"I Want Crazy"



Mmmmm...

I'm booking myself a one-way flight
I gotta see the color in your eyes
Yeah tellin' myself I'm gonna be alright
Without you baby is a waste of time

Yeah, our first date, girl, the seasons changed
It got washed away in a summer rain
You can't undo a fall like this
'Cause love don't know what distance is
Yeah, I know it's crazy

But I don't want "good" and I don't want "good enough"
I want "can't sleep, can't breathe without your love"
Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn't make sense to anybody else
Who cares if you're all I think about,
I've searched the world and I know now,
It ain't right if you ain't lost your mind
Yeah, I don't want easy, I want crazy
Are you with me baby? Let's be crazy

Yeah

I wanna be scared, don't wanna know why
Wanna feel good, don't have to be right
The world makes all kinds of rules for love
I say you gotta let it do what it does

I don't want just another hug and a kiss goodnight
Catchin' up calls and a date sometimes
I love that we're rebels, and we still believe
We're the kind of crazy people wish that they could be, yeah

Oh, and I know we're crazy, yeah

But I don't want "good" and I don't want "good enough"
I want "can't sleep, can't breathe without your love"
Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn't make sense to anybody else
Who cares if you're all I think about,
I've searched the world and I know now,
It ain't right if you ain't lost your mind
Yeah, I don't want easy, I want crazy
You with me baby? Let's be crazy

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

No, I don't want "good" and I don't want "good enough"
I want "can't sleep, can't breathe without your love"
Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn't make sense to anybody else
Who cares if you're all I think about,
I've searched the world and I know now,
It ain't right if you ain't lost your mind
Yeah, I don't want easy, I want crazy

Yeah, look at us baby, tonight the midnight rules are breaking
There's no such thing as wild enough,
And maybe we just think too much
Who needs to play it safe in love?
Let's be crazy!

Na na na na oh na na na na oh

Who cares if we're crazy? We gotta be crazy!
I know that we're crazy, so let's be crazy!
Yeah-ah-ah...

*Cover photo by digital-art-gallery.com

Eyes That See

Eyes that see - I love to look into your eyes, yet fear it at the same time. 

Those dark orbs are full of truth, full of knowing, full of fire.

They see through me, past my mask,  and straight  into my fear,

Exposing my deepest hope, my greatest dreams, my darkest regrets.

They intrigue me.  They inspire me.  They see the truth of me.

But do you see it, or do your eyes only reflect the truth back to me?

You have eyes that see everything, even when you look at nothing.

I’ve tried so hard to hide - my mask is elaborate and hand-carved with great detail.

I’ve spent a lifetime adding thread  by thread, bead by bead, scar by scar,

Garnishing the perfect elaboration, building the perfect distraction.

But can you see me, or do your eyes only reflect me back to me?

I’ve looked into many sets of beautiful eyes,

And they have shown me the splendor of their hosts.

But in your eyes I don’t only see your beauty, but mine.

The first time I ever met their gaze it felt like the foundations of the earth shook,

My knees wanted to bend in worship to the god standing before me.

One glance and a fire ignited deep into my bones.

I’ve tried to run. I’ve tried to hide. I’ve tried to ignore and to deny.

But can you feel me too, or is the fire I feel my own passion reflecting back to me?

Eyes that see - will you look at me and tell me the truth?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Portent Princess

Such a regal elegance.

See how she radiates and shines,

Sparkling like the tiara sitting upon her  head?

She’s magnetic.

Surprised at how she draws them to  her,

Slowly falling beneath her spell?

Look closer.

Listen, can you hear her words,

Lulling and guiding them into her dream?

Lady, they call her.

Lord, can you hear the pain,

Lingering beneath her colorful mask?

Forget the loneliness.

Feel the vastness of emptiness,

Frowning behind those bright eyes?

Forever she searches.

For how long can she last,

Feigning hope in a hopeless world?

Pretend no more.

Pray, can’t you see her true face?

Prodigious mess.

Please, won’t you help her,

Protecting the marvel of her soul?

Pride is her weakness.

Prince, why have you not

Pranced to her rescue?

Portent Princess.

The Dance

We all change.  We are living beings that adapt to our surrounding and are constantly going through a metamorphosis, whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual.  Those who know me, understand how I thrive in change, yet hate it at the same time.  While I’m my best in high-pressured situations, the pressure sometimes gets to me because it drains me, requires so much of me, that at the end of the day I’m spent – zombiefied.  Though I change and adapt to the circumstances and situations to keep moving forward in my life – there’s one thing about me that never changes – my honesty.

Inside all of us, I believe, live multiple personalities, parts of us that shine at different times depending on which personality is best for the job.  Things get really messed up for us when the wrong personality works at the wrong time in the wrong situation.  That’s understandable. We’re human, not perfect.  However, I’ve met some people over the years that really blown my mind because they become such totally different people than they were upon meeting,  and leave no sign or trace of the personality I often fell in love with.

What happened?  Where did that personality go?  I’m not talking about a simple change, I’m talking about a complete 180 to where this person isn’t even recognizable.  And what do I do?  I cling to this new personality in the hope that the one I fell in love with will return.  So far, that’s never happened.

I don’t get it. I don’t get why people can’t just be honest from DAY 1.  That’s really what it boils down to, that in the beginning of these relationship the other person was lying – to themselves and to me.  They were wearing their masks, pretending to be who they wanted, but then their true selves eventually came forward and their masks fell off.

You know that old adage, “If it’s too good to be true, it often is”?  Well, that’s definitely true and one of these days I’m going to get that, and I’m going to understand that, and I’m going to learn to let go of any hope the masks were real.  The masks are not real.  I understand wearing masks, I was a pro at it.  But, I also understand the freedom of being able to lay those masks down and just be who you really are – exposing your heart, your fears, and your weaknesses.  This is what makes humanity so beautiful.

I am who I am.  Who you meet on the first day is who I am on day 20, on day 100, on day 365, and so on.  While I may change and adapt, merge and morph, I’m always honest, even when I’m wrong, confused, and angry.  I don’t wear a mask anymore.  Go back and read through these blogs and you’ll see I have exposed myself in the most intimate way possible – and that is the woman I am.

No matter how dazzling and sparkling your mask may be, I cannot love your mask.  I deserve more than the fantasy, more than the pretention, more than the dazzling show.  I deserve the hidden heart, not the song and dance.  There are plenty of other dancers in the room of life – many of them have extravagant masks – perhaps they’re more to your liking.

I stand maskless – baring my soul for all to see.  If you can’t remove your mask – bow out now and keep dancing.  

Till next time,

Maskless

I See ...

First of all, I want to give an update to my rant yesterday.  It was as I proclaimed, just a moment.  This morning on my run in the dark, every time I passed a shadow I smiled and whispered “fuck you” and grew stronger and stronger as I sailed past every shadow.  By the time I hit the ¼ mile mark I was almost giddy.  Fear, you will not control me.  I’m not stupid, though.  I still gripped my knife and pepper spray… but I enjoyed the wind on my face, the smell of cedar in the air, the burn in my muscles, and the rapid, steady beat of my heart.  Now if I can just get my breathing under control… I’ll have this made.

The thoughts that flipped through my mind as I ran this morning focused on a dear friend I haven’t heard from in a while and I miss.  I worry about him and hope that all is well.  Most of all, I hope he’s happy.  He’s one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen, and it’s got nothing to do with his physical looks.  He also hides behind a thick mask, but I see him – all of him.

I don’t know if it’s a curse or a blessing, but I see people in a peculiar way.  As Shakespeare said, (I can’t believe I’m quoting that douchebag, but he did have some deep things to say at times.), “All the worlds a stage and all the people are merely players.”  That’s how I see the world.  We walk around with our masks, we move, and dance, and laugh, and speak, but it’s all for show.  As I walk through the masquerade in my own mask, I don’t focus on the colorful, dazzling, sparkling displays, but the eyes behind them.  In those mysterious orbs I see beauty and shadow, love and anger, hope and despair.  I see truth.  There are some people I see and they’re so ugly because their hearts and soul are so black and cold – I physically shiver. Their negativity is like a thick cloud. Then, there are others so beautiful I become mesmerized.

The thing about looking into someone’s eyes, I can tell if they’re looking back at me.  I’ve discovered most people don’t like eye contact.  They look at everything, but me.  We’re afraid to let people see who we really are – because most of the time we can’t even look at ourselves.  We’re like babies, we think if we can’t see others, they can’t see us.  “Though they have eyes, they do not see.”  It’s hard to see the truth, because it’s heavy.  To see the beauty in someone comes right along with their darkness, and that is often a bitter pill to swallow.  I can’t handle everyone’s darkness.

Can I be fooled?  Always.  We can shift from the light to darkness in an instant. I’ve hid in the shadows.  I’ve been terrified that others will see my darkness, get a good look at my shame, and hate or reject me for it.  But when we hide our darkness, we also hide our light. We are fools if we think we can only expose our light - that’s the defect in our masks.  Once we open up and expose ourselves, our shadows are exposed too.  Our shame keeps us dancing, keeps us moving, keeps us smiling, and keeps us hurting.

In my friends and those I love, I see all of it – the beauty and the darkness, and I still love them.  I would fight those shadows, and offer open arms for those times of weakness.  No judgment.  To truly love someone, I have to love all of them.  To love myself, I have to love all of me – the good and the bad, my strengths and my weaknesses. But who sees me? Who really sees me?  You can’t see me unless you look at me, and to see me is to be exposed, because I will see you.

It hurts when those we love leave us – because they’ve closed their eyes, they’ve closed their hearts – shutting us out.  We can’t see them anymore, and they can’t see us… we become just another dancer on the floor, another guest at the ball, another mask.  As you brush past me in this dance, my heart cries out, “Please don’t shut me out.  Don’t close your eyes.  You’re beautiful. Dance with me.  Look at me. See me, because I see … and I still love you.”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Chandelier by Sia

http://youtu.be/8DS-h67qEiY

Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

[Pre-Chorus]
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

Throw 'em back, 'til I lose count

[Chorus]
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

[Pre-Chorus]
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

[Chorus]
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier



Read more: Sia - Chandelier Lyrics | MetroLyrics