Moonlight Wolf

I sometimes hate my dreams, and other times I don’t want to wake.  They’re so vivid, so descriptive, and while having them I often feel like I’m there,  yet I’m hovering above watching.  The emotions are so real; the pain too.  Sometimes I even talk to myself, reminding myself it’s only a dream, warning myself that something bad is coming, or even urging myself to wake up.  No matter how bad or good the dream may be, I always know I’m in a dream.

I had a culmination of a few weird dreams last night, really over the last few months.  My world is constantly changing.  Well, really that’s the same for everyone even if we don’t realize it.  That’s life – a moving, changing, morphing series of events, one after another.  Even if we’re stuck in a loop of similar routine, we’re still moving.  The changes for me over these past few years have been very extreme and fast, and part of me wishes the world would just slow down little bit.  Other times I’m excited knowing I’m headed toward something bigger and greater.  Still at other times I try to delay the movement because I know not everything ahead is going to be easy; it never has been.

I keep dreaming of this wolf - he’s silver, he’s beautiful, and his coat is radiant beneath the moonlight.  He’s leading me somewhere in the woods, and there are other wolves lurking in the shadows, but for the time being they’re keeping their distance.  I follow the lone wolf, always talking to it.  I feel safe with him, connected, and sometimes his black eyes are filled with terror and fear.  I used to think it was for me – because the other wolves in the woods want to rip me to shreds, but now I don’t think he’s afraid for me, but for himself.  I get this huge sense of helplessness – that I can’t protect him and I can’t stop him.  He’s leading me somewhere, somewhere I need to go – but I’m afraid that for me to get there it’s going to be at the cost of his life.

I don’t know who or what this wolf is – or represents.  I just know in my dream I have a deep sense of love for and from the creature.  I keep thinking about change.  I keep thinking about loss.  I keep thinking about those black eyes that see me for who I am.  I don’t know what they’re telling me, but I don’t ignore my dreams or my intuitive feelings.  Too many things have happened in my life where my dreams have been warnings before those things have occurred.  I never know what’s going to happen, but when my dreams are this vivid, it’s never been good.

So, this morning I feel conflicted.  I’m so ready for something good in my life.  I’ve had good and bad this last year – amazing changes, amazing adventures, lots of uncertainty, but, wow, it’s been good.  So many beautiful people have entered my life and I can’t tell you how much I needed and loved them.  I feel like I’m losing some of them, that we’re drifting apart and taking different paths, and I don’t want to let them go. There are new people who want to come in, but I’m so hesitant and put up my walls and don’t want to let them.  I have no control over any of it – who I lose or who gets in.

I also can’t get this particular song out of my head by Imagine Dragons – “There’s Nothing Left to Say”.  How does it play a part?  I don’t know.

So, that’s what’s rolling around in this crazy mind of mine this morning.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Nothing Left to Say

Imagine Dragons

Who knows how long I’ve been awake now; the shadows on my wall don’t sleep, they keep calling me, beckoning.

Who knows what’s right, the lines keep getting thinner; my age has never made me wise, but I keep pushing on and on and on and on.

There’s nothing left to say now.  There’s nothing left to say now.  I’m givin’ up, givin’ up, hey, hey, givin’ up now.  I’m givin’ up, givin’ up, hey, hey, givin’ up now.

There’s nothing left to say now.  There’s nothing left to say now.  I’m givin’ up, givin’ up, hey, hey, givin’ up now.  I’m givin’ up, givin’ up, hey, hey, givin’ up now.

Below my soul, I feel an engine, collapsing as it seizes the pain. If only I could only shut it out.

I’ve come too far to see the end now; even if my way is wrong, I keep pushing on and on and on and on.

There’s nothing left to say now.  There’s nothing left to say now.  I’m givin’ up, givin’ up, hey, hey, givin’ up now.  I’m givin’ up, givin’ up, hey, hey, givin’ up now.

There’s nothing left to say now.  There’s nothing left to say now.  I’m givin’ up, givin’ up, hey, hey, givin’ up now.  I’m givin’ up, givin’ up, hey, hey, givin’ up now.

I keep fallin’, I keep fallin’ down.  I keep fallin’, I keep fallin’ down.

I keep fallin’, I keep fallin’ down.  I keep fallin’, I keep fallin’ down.

If you could only save me. I’m drowning in the waters of my soul.

There’s nothing left to say now.  There’s nothing left to say now.  I’m givin’ up, givin’ up, hey, hey, givin’ up now.  I’m givin’ up, givin’ up, hey, hey, givin’ up now.

There’s nothing left to say now.  There’s nothing left to say now.  I’m givin’ up, givin’ up, hey, hey, givin’ up now.  I’m givin’ up, givin’ up, hey, hey, givin’ up now.