Power of the Birthday Wish

My mind is all over the place today.  I feel like crawling back beneath the soft sheets of my bed and slipping off into an amazing and creative adventure, or perhaps return to the romantic dream of a witty smartass (I know, I know… I’m a weirdo – I’m more impressed with clever sarcasm than superfluous and flowery words).  However, I have responsibilities and duties to perform, so I push forward.  I drag myself through the routine of exercise and work. I think I’m starting to feel a little burnout – and need to re-energize.  It’s been a while since I’ve been in the woods to recharge myself.  Between moving, getting acclimated to my new place, catching up on work interrupted, adjusting to my new life,  and surviving the summer heat.  I’ve missed the woods. Everything in my life is changing… and it just feels like it’s happening way too fast. I turn around and some very important people are missing… they’re not there anymore – replaced by empty space. And then there are new people, some whom I’m afraid to open my heart for fear they too will someday vanish.  But it isn’t about me today.

Today is my best friend’s birthday, and as much as I’m happy for him and want to celebrate this day with him, I feel disconnected – lost, useless.  Not only has my location recently changed, but so has everything else, including my relationships.  As I take off flying, so many of the people I care about most in this world are left standing on the ground or flying in a different direction.  I miss them, but I can’t let them hold me back or keep me grounded.  I wish they were flying with me, but it seems our journeys are all headed in varying paths.

I couldn’t have made it these last couple of years without my best friend and the many times he’s listened to me pour my heart out in texts, messages, phone calls, and Skypes.  He was a voice of reason when I was lost in unreasonableness.  He was a calming wind in a turbulent storm.  Sometimes he was the storm that stirred stagnant waters.  He’s been a shoulder and a sounding block.  He’s dried my tears and caused many of them too. We fight with each other about as much as we encourage one another because we’re so different and offer a different view of the world. He’s arrogant and opinionated, loving and understanding, rude and respectful.   I love him with a love that surpasses and is deeper than some shallow relationship – a true friendship of respect and admiration, but I don’t often like him very much.  I think his tastes in music, culture and movies are awful and outdated, but I love and admire that he dances to his own beat and doesn’t follow the crowd.  He’s a unique character, a bitter pill to swallow sometimes, but has the radiance of a beautiful sun – he’s been a bright spot in my darkened world. He’s one of the most talented writers I’ve ever had the privilege to read.  He’d hate that I’m writing about him right now because he’s so introverted and paranoid about his privacy.  So I won’t say his name and  pray that he doesn’t read this.  If he does, I’m sure I’ll get his long, argumentative email about keeping his shit private.

What now? I needed him when my world was falling apart.  He jumped into the waters without hesitation and threw me a lifeline, and then pulled me to safety.  What now that I’m standing securely on the shore, on my own two feet and don’t need saving anymore? He faces his own storms and raging seas, but won’t accept my help.  He’s the consummate soldier – willing to risk himself to save others, but won’t allow anyone to save him.  He’s searching for answers but doesn’t even know the questions.

So, what kind of friend does he need?  The kind that will never give up and smash through those walls of his no matter how thick they are or how long it takes?  Or the kind that lets him go and hopes he never forgets, and will someday return knowing that he’ll always be welcomed and loved just as he is – no matter what?

If I could grant him a birthday wish today it would be that he finds true happiness, love, and peace – in himself, perhaps in the arms of a beautiful woman – one that will touch his mind, body, and soul, and in the surpassing fulfillment of his dreams.  None of that is in my power to give him – but I’m hoping there’s some power in the birthday wish that will set him on the right path.

Happy birthday, my friend.  May all your dreams come true.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray