I Give It My Whole Heart... Now

I sometimes wonder how I make it through the day.  I don’t wonder as I’m going through the day, but in those quiet moments of reflection usually at the end of one or in the early mornings of a new one.  I try not to look too far ahead, because while some of those thoughts bring me great anticipation and excitement, others bring me moments of panic, worry and overwhelming anxiety.  I’ve been through too much to not fear the struggles that may lay ahead, because of the struggles I’ve already waded through, but I’ve also experienced some great adventures and anticipate with wonder.  The joy, the peace, or the real struggle is to try to stay as much in the present moment as possible.  This moment is more manageable. It is this moment where your decisions matter most. It’s in these moments that keep you on track of your goals and aspirations, or provide the detours that sends you on a different path.  At least that’s what I tell myself.

What’s in my present moment? What’s going on in my life and what can I do about it?

I’m currently working on a health & fitness program that includes a great workout regimen, a light diet plan, and building a lifestyle of active adventure.  So far, so good.  It’s a decision I have to make on a daily and weekly basis.  I can’t think or plan too far ahead, nor can I dwell on the past successes or mistakes.  I know what works for me, for my body, and for my mind.  My past success and failures help me make my current choices and also leads as a guide in my near-future decisions.  I give it my whole heart… now.

I’m currently in a romantic relationship that constantly makes me smile, makes me excited to get up in the morning, makes me feel at peace for my present, makes me feel loved, wanted and desired as I love, want and desire my man.  I don’t dwell on the relationships of the past. While those relationships sometimes pop up to remind me of both good and bad times, I don’t allow the memories to stay very long.  I also don’t try to plan and anticipate too far in the future.  Anticipation is the root to most of our disappointment. I’ve learned I can guarantee nothing. How can I make a promise that I have no power to actually fulfill? It doesn’t mean I don’t have a desire to see a life full of great moments, great love, and even greater adventure, because I do.  It’s one of my biggest hopes. However, I don’t PLAN it. I just appreciate what I have in this current block of time.  I reflect on how I feel and how the relationship affects me now.  I give it my whole heart… now.

I’m currently surrounded by a few great friends, and have recently made a few new friends.  I’m seeing the beauty of the human heart through some of the people that has come into my life the last few years.  For so long I saw the ugliness, judgement, and depravity of humanity, and many times my heart hurt and my mind fought to have hope.  There are beautiful, selfless, caring people in the world. I’ve had the pleasure to meet a few of them.  While I miss some of the friendships in the past, I’m learning to appreciate the friends in my present and open my heart to new friends.  I give it my whole heart… now.

 I’m writing again.  I have so many manuscripts I could work on, but I’m taking it one day at a time.  If I think of all that needs to be done, all that I’ve left behind, all that I’ve let slip away, or all that I want to do, then I will get too overwhelmed and run back into hiding. I don’t have the luxury to write full-time at this time in my life, and have to make time in my daily schedule for what I could do now.  It has to be a priority.  I have a wonderful job that I really enjoy that allows me to take care of my basic necessities, supports my independence.  It’s a job that ends at a certain time of day so that I am free to pursue those other goals in my life in the other 16 hours. I give it my whole heart… now.

So between my goals of health, fitness and living an adventurous lifestyle, enjoying a beautiful romance, surrounded by awesome friends, working at a good job, and fulfilling a great dream, my day is pretty full.  I don’t have the energy or the time to waste dwelling on a past I can’t change or worrying about a future I can’t control.  Today… I’m happy, I’m living in the moment, I’m in love, I am loved, and I’m excited. I give it my whole heart… now.

Till next time,

Princess of the Present

Good Morning, My Love

Shhhh, Baby, don’t open those dark, commanding eyes of yours.  I couldn’t take their penetrating gaze at this moment.  I’m too weak, too much under your power, too lost in admiration and worship of you. My breath has caught deep in my lungs, and I’m so overwhelmed at the moment, and can’t breathe.  Please, please don’t take this moment from me. I’m captured. I’m mesmerized. I’m shaking.

Keep your eyes closed, Baby, please. You just don’t understand. The Moon Goddess has captured you in her silvery gaze and opened my own eyes to the wonder and beauty of you.  Her powerful and majestic light spills through the open window and caresses you ever so gently, light a million light fairies dancing on her beams as they pour down onto your body.  Do you know how beautiful you are to me? I could watch you forever.

Don’t move.  Sleep, Baby, let the cloak of Night cover you, let her continue to hold you securely for a little longer in her arms.  Your breathing calms me because it is so peaceful. My eyes water as I watch my warrior slumber. Rest, Baby, beneath Night’s sanctuary.  Let her hold your sword and your armor for just for a little while longer as she sends rejuvenation and strength into you. Do you know how safe you make me feel?  How much strength you give me? How much courage you pour into me to face this brutal world?  

Can you feel my warmth? Do you feel the heat of my whisper upon the shell of your ear?

Can you feel the tender touch of my fingernail as I trace the outline of your handsome, strong, chiseled face beneath the silver radiance of the moon?  If you could see how she illuminates you, cloaking parts of you in mysterious shadow and outlining your smooth curves and sharp edges with her silvery beams.  The dark lines of your tattoos are light scriptures written on the temple walls, telling of the love and warnings of the wrath that dwells inside.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to touch you? To have you touch me? It’s magnetic.  I’m drawn to you, connected, electrified. You make me want to do things I’ve never imagined.  You make me feel so alive, so aware, a part of something more, something bigger, and something so good I can’t contain it. I once had defined lines, clear edges, a mask behind which I could hide.  You’ve blurred the lines.  I don’t know where I start and where I end, like I’ve shed the skin of this body and am a part of everything, yet nothing at the same time.  When you look at me, I melt beneath your gaze.  I get lost in your dark eyes, Baby, so keep them closed right now.  You’ve yanked my mask away and there’s nowhere to hide. I’m naked and bare before you.  The Moon Goddess has illuminated your glory this night.  Don’t move, Baby. Don’t wake. Let me worship you just a little longer.

My warm breath slowly escapes my lips, Baby, thinking of your kisses.  I can’t get enough of them.  They pull me, like a hook in the center of my belly, it yanks at me, hard. Can you feel me lightly kiss you? I love the taste of you, the scent of you, the feel of you.  I want to kiss you all the time, softly and hard, forever and ever. They make me feel so loved, so wanted, so desired.  I lose all control beneath them. Their touch on my skin burns right through me.  Kiss me, Baby, and don’t ever stop.

I’m shaking, Baby.  The Morning and Sun gods are demanding their time, and the Moon Goddess and Night must continue on their destined journeys.  Your eyes will open soon and this moment will pass.  You will once again put on your armor and pick up your sword and fight the battles that Day brings.  He’s a ruthless god, but I’m thankful I had this beautiful, magical moment.  It has filled me to full, and makes me feel like I’m dangerous, brave, cloaked in your armor, safe behind your sword, protected beneath your cloak, and I smile. Open your eyes now, Baby.

Good morning, my love. 

Who Is to Blame?

Who is to blame? As Lady Justice stands in the shadows and the rabid beasts scour the land in search of flesh to tear and carcasses to consume, we stand at our windows and wonder, "Who's to blame?"

Our fingers of accusation twitch. Our righteous indignation swells. Our need to deflect, reject and object consumes us. But, who is to blame?

Is it her, him, them or they? Let's point our bony, chubby, dirty and manicured mandible at all those around... One by one by one.

It's All About the Little Things

We’ve all heard the phrase, “The devil is in the details.”  That often puts a negative spin and mindset on the little things, the fine print, the details, the unseen parts.  While it is where disclaimers, restrictions, and exclusions are often listed, it’s also the where the frame work resides.  Ever tried to build something without framework?  There’s no support, no boundaries, no definition and without the stability of a good foundation or framework, what we build crumbles, falls, implodes, withers, evaporates, and comes apart.

Building a good foundation or setting a good framework is the hardest part when we’re building something.  It’s the boring part. It’s the inner workings no one can see in our masterpieces.  Most people only see the outward appearance, the art, the display, the picture.  But how many see the frame, the canvas, the inner workings, or the lode-bearing supports?  Only another designer, architect, artist or builder recognizes how it’s all about the little things.

You can tell a lot about a person by how they handle the little, ordinary things in life.  Are you the type of person that does the least to maintain, or do you take your time and make sure that whatever you’re doing is done to the best of your ability?  Do you do your best only on the things you love, or do you work with a spirit of excellence in all things?  Pay attention, take an assessment and truly evaluate your work.  When you wash the dishes, do you really take your time to make sure that not only are the dishes clean, but so is the stove, the counter, the spot behind the faucet, or the space beneath the coffee pot?  While we might not think such trivial thing make a difference, they really do.  It tells a lot about the type of person you are.  It tells more about how you feel about yourself more than anything.  When it’s just you and nobody else sees your effort, and you STILL give it your best shot, that’s your true framework.

I notice the little things. I look for them. I see you, the real you, the you that you are when you think no one is looking.  We are so judged in this world by our masks, our outward appearances, our metrics, our test results, our accomplishments, our awards, our trophies, our titles, our income, our possessions, our associations, our belts.  I see YOU.  It’s all about the little things. 

Till Next Time,

~The Magnifying Glass

I'm Free

It's easy to think we would know what we would do, or not do, in any given situation. We think we know what choices we would make, or not make, at any given time. I'm learning that's not always true.

I'm usually weakest in what I think I would be strong, and often strong when I fear I'll be weak. I have an opinion about everything, but know I'm not always right.

Lately I've had some really in-depth discussions with my boyfriend that have had me reconsidering some core beliefs and thus exposed some latent prejudices. I know I've uttered several times, in parts, the phrase, "I know enough to know I don't know everything, and just enough to know I know nothing. The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know."  Yet, what I do know is both horrible and beautiful.

Regardless of what I know or come to understand, I am who I am, and who I am is as honest as I can be... Not just with the world, but with myself.

I'm a mess, but I'm a beautiful mess. I've been through pain, still have pain and broken beyond recognition, but I'm still here.

I'm lost, but I'm still moving. I may not know where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere. I'm free. Free from the boxes, free from the guilt, free from the lines that define our paths. I'm free to wander, to explore, to seek, to discover, to experience on an undefined path, an unpaved road, an unmarked trail. Will there be dangers? Will there be struggles? Will there be uncertainties? Will there be mistakes? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But the risk is worth the adventure.

Someday my adventure will end, but it will end without regret, without sorrow of having never taken the risk. I've walked the straight and narrow and became a zombie among the vampires. I've lived for duty, bore the armor of responsibility, tried to lead by being an example, and it killed me. I denied myself, picked up my cross, and cut my flesh. In trying to save the world, I suffocated. I still haven't fully learned to breathe.

I am free. I am happy. My daily struggle has not ended. My wishes have not come true. My dreams still have yet to be fulfilled. I have no idea what will happen today, much less tomorrow, and I don't know the answers to the universe's questions. I just know I'm free... Free to be me just like I am. Free to love. Free to be... Anything, do anything, feel anything, to fly, or do nothing. It's my choice.

Till next time,
Beautiful Butterfly

Livin' Out Loud - Liar

Our biggest obstacle when it comes to health, fitness, and even love, is our propensity to make excuses. We have them. We have plenty of them. Our mindset is where the largest part of our battle resides.

We lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves we need or deserve the destructive behavior we commit. We tell ourselves it’s okay to abuse our bodies, our hearts and our minds, after all it’s our period and we deserve that damn chocolate. We’ve been good and deserve to cheat on our diet. We did a lot more activity today than normal so we can skip our workout. We'll start tomorrow, and on and on. The excuses never stop.

Until we recognize we are out biggest abuser, see us for who we really are, we won’t win, we won’t succeed, we won’t break free. It’s nobody’s fault we are like we are. It’s not our past, not our genetics, it’s not our environment, it’s not the food industry, it’s not our religion, it’s not our disease, it’s not our drugs, it’s not ANYTHING but our own choices. We are exactly where we want to be, allow ourselves to be, choose to be, or choose not to change.

Only we can choose to put down the doughnuts, pick up the jump rope, and continue to make that choice everyday.

We don’t need to have a lot of money, personal trainer, expensive food, diet drugs, or the right workout clothes or equipment. Before we pick up or use any of these tools we have to first strip ourselves of our excuses, stand in front of our mirrors naked, look at ourselves in the eye, and truly see ourselves for who we truly are, not the lie we tell ourselves.

We are not victims. We are the abusers of our own self. We are the ones that gorge on the whole box of snack cakes, doughnuts, bag of chips, soft drinks, chicken nuggets, ice cream, and chocolate. We can take all the diet pills we want, drink all the diet drinks we want, eat off the little plates filled with seconds and thirds, but it doesn’t change that we neglect what we need, feed our feelings, and cheat ourselves out of living our lives to our best potential. We see ourselves as victims - and victims are slaves. We are slaves to our addictions. We are slaves to our excuses. We are slaves to our abuses. We are taskmasters to our own depravity.

We are the asshole that stops ourselves. Until we acknowledge our truth and see our truth, we can never change it. We're killing ourselves. We are an abuser, a neglector, and a selfish bitch. Stop lying to our selves. Have the courage to face our own truth and learn to live.

Then… naked, bare, exposed, and determined… change our story, change our stars, change our life.

Till next time,

Freed Slave, Survivor