I Matter ...and That Makes Me a Little Less Afraid

For some people, the idea of being alone is scary.  Not because they're afraid for their safety or of what may lurk in the dark, because everyone (no matter how brave they may be) are somewhat scared of those things.  That's only natural.  Bravery is facing those fears.  What's scary is the idea of not mattering. Yet, we think our value is hid in the physical presence, but I'm learning it's not.

I come from a large family, having grown up with five brothers,  yet within that crowd I was always alone.  I mattered in as much as I was a care-giver, I had a function, and fulfilled a need.  I helped cook, clean, nurture, protect and defend, but as an individual I had no value, I didn't matter.  How do I know?   Because I left them behind, walked out of their lives, and my absence made no difference.  I'm still not a part of their lives though they all live in the same town, all within a fifty mile radius. 

I was married for nearly twenty years, and while my husband was my best friend and I know he cared for me, even within that union I was alone and didn't matter.  Again, I fulfilled the function as a mother, wife, care-giver, provider, and partner.  But when I walked out of that marriage, my absence made no difference, I didn't matter.  His life continues as it had, perhaps even better now that he doesn't have the responsibility of me. I'm no longer a part of his life.

To some extent my children no longer have a need for me.  They are now grown and off living their own lives.  They love me and I matter to them, and in that understanding, I find value.

When I first moved out on my own, I think the thing I feared most was truly discovering how little I did matter in this world.  I gave everything to it and the people in my life, and it really hurt to look around me and see their absence.  But, I also discovered I wasn't as much alone as I thought... because there were a few beautiful people who helped dry my tears, reached out to give me a hand, embraced me in a genuine hug, and showed me - not with their words, but with their presence - that I mattered to them.  When in my pain I tried to push everyone out of my life, they refused to go.

Here I am in a new year, and though I'm physically alone most of the time, I'm never truly alone, because to these few beautiful people, and my children, I matter ... and that makes me a little less afraid.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Starting Off Right

It’s a new year, it’s a new day, and it’s a new time in my life.  It’s time to put the past behind me, let go of the grief and embrace the excitement of what’s here and what’s to come.

I’m determined to put joy and happiness in my life.  I’m not naive.  I know there are days when the pain will still hurt and I’ll find myself in tears, but I believe with my whole heart that I possess the power to in joy.  I allowed grief into my life, because I needed that time to mourn what I’ve lost, what I’ve left behind.  If I would have stuffed that pain away, I wouldn’t have healed, only capped something that would explode even more damaging later. But, now is a new season… there was a time to grieve, now it’s time laugh. 

I know that my emotions are not like a switch to turn off and on at will, but I also know that what I pour into me is what will come out of me.  I allowed pain and grief, and then I let it all out through my words, my blogs, and my stories.  I do not allow it any longer.  I will now fill my heart, my mind, my soul with joy, happiness, hope and laughter. 

I have set many lofty goals for myself this year, and with the same determination I used to fulfill my goals last year, I will endeavor to do the same. 

Be happy, people; if not for yourself, then for me.  I want to be happy. I want to laugh.  I want to sing.  Let’s start this New Year off right… with joy.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

O' Time

By T.L. Gray

The last grain of sand has fallen through the hourglass, marking another passage of time - another year, another month, another week, another day, another hour, another minute, and another second has passed.

O’ Time, it has been the worst turn.

You’ve pulled me and stretched me to my farthest point, pushed me beyond my boundaries, plucked me out of my desolation and tested my limits. 

But you did not leave me to die.

You’ve wrapped me and folded me with the purest of love, opened my eyes to a beautiful world, allowed me to experience the touch of desire and strengthened my faith.

The first grain of sand will fall through the hourglass, beginning another passage of time - a new year, a new month, a new week, a new day, a new hour, a new minute and a new second to pass.

O’ Time, let this be the best turn.