Family

I’ve written maybe a dozen blog posts in the last week but haven’t posted them and never will because they’re just too painful. This time of year is really hard for me, especially lately as I’ve had a brush with mortality. I can’t lie, there are days I miss some of the things I enjoyed in my old life, the holidays are one of them. The holidays are about family.

Family
What does that mean? Come on, what does it really mean? I learned a long time ago that being related to someone doesn’t make them family. I’m related to a lot of people, mostly people that have hurt me, lied to me, stole from me, abused me and used me – all in the name of family, as if that word gave them carte blanche to do what they wanted. I look around me today and laugh, because it hurts too much to even cry about. I’m done. I’m truly done.

I have no mother or father. I have no brothers or sisters. I have no husband, no in-laws, no aunts, no uncles, no cousins, no nieces, and no nephews. I have no church family. All these people told me (or never told me, but were supposed to) they loved me. They lied. Empty words mean nothing. Words lie, but actions speak the truth.

Yes, I’m the one that ran. I’m the one who opened the door and walked away. I’m the one who closed the door behind me and invited no one to come along. I’m the one who finally decided to love herself and realize I didn’t have to take their shit and listen to their lies anymore.

Not one tried to stop me. NOT ONE.

But I am not without family. I actually have a beautiful family of my own choosing and its getting bigger every day.

I have my children, Meagan, Johnathan and Kelly. I love them more than life. I have no doubt they love me. I don’t get to see them much because they’re adults now and living their lives and making their way in this world and I’m not about to try and control them. I’m here for them if they ever need me. But I won’t let them use me, nor will I ever use them. I’ve enough bitter taste in my mouth from my own family to ever subject my children to such selfishness. I would give them the world, but I know they’d only appreciate it if they gained it by their own strength. It’s hard sometimes to back away, let them fall, let them make their mistakes, let them run headfirst into disaster. A mother wants to make their children’s lives easier, to spare them hardships, to protect them from the vultures. But, it’s the only way they’ll truly learn to stand on their own. The best thing I can do for them is to let them know that I love them, mistakes and all. They could never do anything to make me stop loving them. I know the pain of being unloved. I also know the strength in being loved. I may not support everything they do, but I will always support the persons they are… and show them I love them no matter what by being honest with them. I miss them. I mostly miss the sound of their laughter, seeing their faces light up on Christmas. The parts that really tear me up – I miss playing card and board games with them, showing them how to play in the rain, how to slip and slide on the kitchen floor, the clean-up game, the poker matches, the morning cuddles before school, the book debates (Snape is still the hero Johnathan), riding around looking at ‘kismas-ights’, laughing till you can’t breathe at all the Ozzies going ‘moo’, the swimming pool, and all the long talks about everything.

They are my family and I regret nothing I’ve sacrificed for them.

I have other family that have been with me these last couple of years. One is a crazy-ass writer in Washington who frustrates the hell out of me, but who I admire so much. No matter what I do, how much I try to run, how much we argue (and we argue all the time), Jeff also makes me laugh like no one in the world, makes me feel safe, and is always there to encourage me in my lowest moments. He tears me down too and has hurt me more times than I can count, because he’s not perfect and overly opinionated, but he’s real. I don’t doubt his love for me, nor my love for him. He is my best friend. I never see him and may never lay eyes on him (except when we Skype), but he is my family and always will be. He showed me what a true friend is like.

Another is a crazy-ass woman in Florida who lives with her crazy-ass cute dog. Jenna understands me more than anyone in this world. She knows when to push and when to back away and loves me in the middle of my craziness. I love her and all her craziness. She’s my conscious. I share everything with her because I can trust her with the most delicate part of me – my heart. I don’t share my heart with anyone, because I don’t trust them, but I can trust her. She knows all my sins, all my faults, all my fears, all my failures… and yet she seems to love me anyway. I’ve never seen her (except on Skype), but she’s my sister in every way a sister should. She’s family.

There’s a valiant soldier who has the thickest walls around his heart I’ve ever seen, (maybe even thicker than mine) but for some reason he let me into his circle. We’re not close, yet very close at the same time. Emilio touches my soul and I’ve seen a peek at his, and it’s beautiful. He’s a muse for me. He’s a hero to me. I respect him, love him, and want to see him happy. He’s young with an old soul. He’s wise well beyond his years. He’s smart – oh, man, is he smart. Most see no further than his beautiful smile, but I’ve seen his beautiful mind. He makes me think and see life differently. He’s family, and so is his little brother, Michael. I love them both, deeply.

I’ve added a few new members to my family lately. Though they’re recent adds, they’ve already stolen a huge part of my heart – they’re my clan ‘We Are Immortal Gods’. They pick on me, haze me, and tease me more than a pack of angry dogs, but they also surround me, include me, and make me feel wanted and a part of the team. This is MY family, one of my own choosing, not one chosen for me. Though I’ve felt abandoned by God lately, I believe He sent them to me, because our coming together makes no sense, yet it feels right. This is a tight group and they don’t let just anyone in, yet they invited me without hesitation. I’m sure I’ve left them often scratching their heads, making them wonder what they’ve done. They make me think of a pack of wolves – there’s an alpha who leads them, but they move as one, hunt (play) as one, fight with each other on a daily basis, yet defend one another in the blink of an eye. They look out for one another. I already think of them as family and they’re mine… my Flop, my Crimm, my Haze, my Phoenix, and my Furrrball. I’ll fight with them, but I’d also defend them, and will always be there for them however I can. My door will always be open to them.

I have lots of other friends that I consider extended family, cousins perhaps, and I love them too.

I may be alone during the holidays, but I’m not without family. I will toast to them on Thanksgiving because I’m thankful they’re in my life, whether through writing, skype, or video game. My Christmas wish is for their dreams to come true. My New Year’s Resolution is that they find happiness. My Prayer is that they each know they’re much loved.

Happy Holidays,

~T.L. Gray

Power of the Birthday Wish

My mind is all over the place today.  I feel like crawling back beneath the soft sheets of my bed and slipping off into an amazing and creative adventure, or perhaps return to the romantic dream of a witty smartass (I know, I know… I’m a weirdo – I’m more impressed with clever sarcasm than superfluous and flowery words).  However, I have responsibilities and duties to perform, so I push forward.  I drag myself through the routine of exercise and work. I think I’m starting to feel a little burnout – and need to re-energize.  It’s been a while since I’ve been in the woods to recharge myself.  Between moving, getting acclimated to my new place, catching up on work interrupted, adjusting to my new life,  and surviving the summer heat.  I’ve missed the woods. Everything in my life is changing… and it just feels like it’s happening way too fast. I turn around and some very important people are missing… they’re not there anymore – replaced by empty space. And then there are new people, some whom I’m afraid to open my heart for fear they too will someday vanish.  But it isn’t about me today.

Today is my best friend’s birthday, and as much as I’m happy for him and want to celebrate this day with him, I feel disconnected – lost, useless.  Not only has my location recently changed, but so has everything else, including my relationships.  As I take off flying, so many of the people I care about most in this world are left standing on the ground or flying in a different direction.  I miss them, but I can’t let them hold me back or keep me grounded.  I wish they were flying with me, but it seems our journeys are all headed in varying paths.

I couldn’t have made it these last couple of years without my best friend and the many times he’s listened to me pour my heart out in texts, messages, phone calls, and Skypes.  He was a voice of reason when I was lost in unreasonableness.  He was a calming wind in a turbulent storm.  Sometimes he was the storm that stirred stagnant waters.  He’s been a shoulder and a sounding block.  He’s dried my tears and caused many of them too. We fight with each other about as much as we encourage one another because we’re so different and offer a different view of the world. He’s arrogant and opinionated, loving and understanding, rude and respectful.   I love him with a love that surpasses and is deeper than some shallow relationship – a true friendship of respect and admiration, but I don’t often like him very much.  I think his tastes in music, culture and movies are awful and outdated, but I love and admire that he dances to his own beat and doesn’t follow the crowd.  He’s a unique character, a bitter pill to swallow sometimes, but has the radiance of a beautiful sun – he’s been a bright spot in my darkened world. He’s one of the most talented writers I’ve ever had the privilege to read.  He’d hate that I’m writing about him right now because he’s so introverted and paranoid about his privacy.  So I won’t say his name and  pray that he doesn’t read this.  If he does, I’m sure I’ll get his long, argumentative email about keeping his shit private.

What now? I needed him when my world was falling apart.  He jumped into the waters without hesitation and threw me a lifeline, and then pulled me to safety.  What now that I’m standing securely on the shore, on my own two feet and don’t need saving anymore? He faces his own storms and raging seas, but won’t accept my help.  He’s the consummate soldier – willing to risk himself to save others, but won’t allow anyone to save him.  He’s searching for answers but doesn’t even know the questions.

So, what kind of friend does he need?  The kind that will never give up and smash through those walls of his no matter how thick they are or how long it takes?  Or the kind that lets him go and hopes he never forgets, and will someday return knowing that he’ll always be welcomed and loved just as he is – no matter what?

If I could grant him a birthday wish today it would be that he finds true happiness, love, and peace – in himself, perhaps in the arms of a beautiful woman – one that will touch his mind, body, and soul, and in the surpassing fulfillment of his dreams.  None of that is in my power to give him – but I’m hoping there’s some power in the birthday wish that will set him on the right path.

Happy birthday, my friend.  May all your dreams come true.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

My Birthday Wish

What does one wish for when they don’t believe in wishes anymore?

I’m not being sarcastic, just realistic.  Somewhere over the recent past I stopped wishing and praying for things and just started doing them.  Have they all been the right things?  No.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I have no regrets. I’ve also had some great adventures.   I’ve learned a lot, especially from my mistakes.  I’ve met some of the wrong people, who may have been the wrong person for me, but even in and within them I learned important things about myself.

I’ve remembered important things I had forgotten, and have forgotten things I wanted to remember.  I have loved with my whole heart and survived not having that love returned.  I’ve learned to breathe when all the air has been sucked out of the room.  I’ve learned to smile when I’ve felt like dying.  I’ve learned to stand still in the middle of a raging storm.  I’ve learned to push through the pain when my body has reached its limit.  I’ve learned to face unimaginable heights with anticipation instead of fear.  I’ve learned how to brace myself and stay in the boat through raging waters.  I’ve learned that sometimes hiding is the best defense, because it means you survive in the end.  I’ve learned how to be alone and that be okay. I’ve learned to hold myself, and that be enough.  I’ve learned there is beauty in a gray world, even if the darkest members can’t see the beautiful light within themselves.  I’ve learned there are a lot of fucked up people in this world and I’m not so different.  Yet, I’ve also learned there are a lot of liars and most people have no idea who they are or what they want.

The greatest thing I’ve learned is it’s better to live than to exist.  It’s better to try and fail than not try at all.  Some would see my life as a mess, and they wouldn’t be wrong, but it’s a beautiful mess. I’m alive.  I’m living.  I’m experiencing the good and bad of life.  I’ve done some amazing and terrible things and I don’t have much to show for it, but each of these experiences have made me the person I am today.

· I flew across the country to be with a dear friend, experience a new place, and explore a part of myself I never knew.  It was a kickoff to my independence, it was my plunge into the unknown.

· I’ve lost nearly 100lbs through hard work, determination, and devotion to ME, and I look and feel great. I don’t diet. I take no medication. I’m not perfect and know I still have more work to do, but I know I have what it takes. I’m not trying to win a beauty contest, but I feel sexy and beautiful, even if no one else agrees.  I love being healthy.  I love being strong.  Health and fitness are now a very important part of my life – because I care about me and believe I deserve to be healthy and beautiful.

· I’ve learned to enjoy food, to cook and create a piece of art with color, flavor and texture.  I don’t fear it or use it as a tool for destruction as I once had.

· I’ve learned to write for me, to be open and honest with the gift I’ve been given.  I stopped trying to control it, and it is so much more satisfying.

· I’ve learned to do the things I enjoy whether there’s anyone to share that adventure or not.  Most of my adventures I’ve had to take alone, but through others I’ve met some great new friends.

· I’ve hiked many miles,

· I’ve climbed mountains,

· I’ve ridden white rapids,

· I’ve soared through clouds,

· I’ve ran a few races,

· I’ve played a few games,

· I’ve kissed a few frogs,

· I’ve hung out with a company of heroes,

· I’ve worshiped a god,

· I’ve dreamed a new story,

· I’ve grieved a lost love,

· I’ve became a best friend,

· I’ve moved to a new place,

· I’ve got a new job,

· I’ve rode on the back of a bike,

· I’ve stormed a castle and defended it,

· I’ve felt butterflies

Not a bad year for a 42-year old if I say so myself.  So, what does a girl wish for when wishing never made anything happen? I’ve learned that jumping in and doing it seems to work just fine.  I can’t wait to see what year 43 has in store for me.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray – the birthday girl