My Birthday Wish

What does one wish for when they don’t believe in wishes anymore?

I’m not being sarcastic, just realistic.  Somewhere over the recent past I stopped wishing and praying for things and just started doing them.  Have they all been the right things?  No.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I have no regrets. I’ve also had some great adventures.   I’ve learned a lot, especially from my mistakes.  I’ve met some of the wrong people, who may have been the wrong person for me, but even in and within them I learned important things about myself.

I’ve remembered important things I had forgotten, and have forgotten things I wanted to remember.  I have loved with my whole heart and survived not having that love returned.  I’ve learned to breathe when all the air has been sucked out of the room.  I’ve learned to smile when I’ve felt like dying.  I’ve learned to stand still in the middle of a raging storm.  I’ve learned to push through the pain when my body has reached its limit.  I’ve learned to face unimaginable heights with anticipation instead of fear.  I’ve learned how to brace myself and stay in the boat through raging waters.  I’ve learned that sometimes hiding is the best defense, because it means you survive in the end.  I’ve learned how to be alone and that be okay. I’ve learned to hold myself, and that be enough.  I’ve learned there is beauty in a gray world, even if the darkest members can’t see the beautiful light within themselves.  I’ve learned there are a lot of fucked up people in this world and I’m not so different.  Yet, I’ve also learned there are a lot of liars and most people have no idea who they are or what they want.

The greatest thing I’ve learned is it’s better to live than to exist.  It’s better to try and fail than not try at all.  Some would see my life as a mess, and they wouldn’t be wrong, but it’s a beautiful mess. I’m alive.  I’m living.  I’m experiencing the good and bad of life.  I’ve done some amazing and terrible things and I don’t have much to show for it, but each of these experiences have made me the person I am today.

· I flew across the country to be with a dear friend, experience a new place, and explore a part of myself I never knew.  It was a kickoff to my independence, it was my plunge into the unknown.

· I’ve lost nearly 100lbs through hard work, determination, and devotion to ME, and I look and feel great. I don’t diet. I take no medication. I’m not perfect and know I still have more work to do, but I know I have what it takes. I’m not trying to win a beauty contest, but I feel sexy and beautiful, even if no one else agrees.  I love being healthy.  I love being strong.  Health and fitness are now a very important part of my life – because I care about me and believe I deserve to be healthy and beautiful.

· I’ve learned to enjoy food, to cook and create a piece of art with color, flavor and texture.  I don’t fear it or use it as a tool for destruction as I once had.

· I’ve learned to write for me, to be open and honest with the gift I’ve been given.  I stopped trying to control it, and it is so much more satisfying.

· I’ve learned to do the things I enjoy whether there’s anyone to share that adventure or not.  Most of my adventures I’ve had to take alone, but through others I’ve met some great new friends.

· I’ve hiked many miles,

· I’ve climbed mountains,

· I’ve ridden white rapids,

· I’ve soared through clouds,

· I’ve ran a few races,

· I’ve played a few games,

· I’ve kissed a few frogs,

· I’ve hung out with a company of heroes,

· I’ve worshiped a god,

· I’ve dreamed a new story,

· I’ve grieved a lost love,

· I’ve became a best friend,

· I’ve moved to a new place,

· I’ve got a new job,

· I’ve rode on the back of a bike,

· I’ve stormed a castle and defended it,

· I’ve felt butterflies

Not a bad year for a 42-year old if I say so myself.  So, what does a girl wish for when wishing never made anything happen? I’ve learned that jumping in and doing it seems to work just fine.  I can’t wait to see what year 43 has in store for me.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray – the birthday girl