Kissing

I love kissing, though it has played a strange role in my life.  I remember my first kiss.  It wasn’t that deep and passionate or soft and sensual kind.  It was the innocent and sweet kind of experience.  I can remember the way his warm, soft lips felt on mine, even now after 38 years.  Time stopped in that moment for me.  Not because it was a kiss, but because I think it was the first healthy expression of affection I ever received.  Under the art table in Mrs. Bonnet’s class, with finger-paint smeared on my smock, James Sylvester kissed me. But more than that, his kiss made me aware there were things such as sweetness and beauty in the world.  Does he remember the kiss?  He says he did when nine years later, at the age of fourteen, he kissed me again behind the bleachers at a dog show.

There’s something quite intimate about kissing, at least for me.  I don’t just kiss anyone, it has to feel right.  I’m one of those people who don’t just do something to do it; it’s got to mean something.  When I was teenager, I watched all my friends around me kissing all the time, but I never quite understood how some of them could be so casual about it; quite often kissing more than one person in a single day.  I felt their free expression cheapened the experience.  At least it did for me when I took a chance and engaged in a few careless kisses. 

I know that was my doing, making the act of kissing something precious, something special.  Don’t get me wrong; in the privacy of my room, I fantasized plenty about kissing, even practicing on my arm, my pillow, and even myself in the mirror.   But when an opportunity came to engage, I often turned my head.  Needless to say, during those awkward teen years, I didn’t keep boyfriends very long because they took my lack of kissing as a sign of disinterest.  When I did find one I enjoyed kissing, who I opened my life and my heart, I discovered they enjoyed kissing many other lips besides my own.

I recently came out of a very long, committed relationship.  Although I deeply care about this person, we were never a couple that kissed.  We have kissed, but it was always awkward and devoid of passion, like kissing a brother or a best friend.  I want passion.  I want fire.  I want chemistry.  I want a kiss that I can feel all the way to my toes.  I want to feel the tingle still on my lips long after the kiss is over.  I want the memory of the kiss to cause my stomach to flutter and take my breath away.  I want lips that are swollen and chapped from the excess and pressure of a good kiss.  I know this exists.  I’ve had a small taste.   I want someone who will want to kiss me when I’m eighty and it mean just as much as it did the first time.  I won’t apologize for wanting these things.  In fact, I think it’s about time I started reaching for the things I want most in this life, including a kiss.

If you have a kiss like that, cherish and appreciate it.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Simply Complex

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve been chastised, ridiculed or accused of ‘over-thinking’ things and making the simple …complex.  Anyone who knows me has at one time or another told me to quit over-analyzing.  But, that’s who I am.  That’s one of those traits that have helped me gain the small amount of success I’ve accumulated so far. It’s what helps me pull myself out of the holes I find myself entrenched. 

Living honestly requires a constant dose of self analysis.  Without this detail-oriented practice, it’s easy to fall into self-deception.  Also, honesty makes the complex simple.  Lies complicate, especially those we tell ourselves.

I don’t consider, ponder and question every action or decision to make things more complex, but as a pro-active way of preventing major obstacles.  Mostly, I want to avoid as much pain and heartache as I can. 

I look at actions and words committed and spoken by others, and then think about the consequences of those actions and words way down the road.  I look for patterns and habits, not to judge the person, but in an effort to know and understand what types of decisions and actions lay ahead.  Will those things hurt me, or help me?

So, yes… I over-think, I over-analyze, I over-consider, I over-weigh and I over-compensate.  But, I don’t apologize. Not sure if I'm an intelligent fool, but I do know I’m doing my best to simplify what is a very complex life.  

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Experience the Mysterious

I don’t know if I could live in a practical world. Not that I can’t think or make practical decisions, but I’m talking about the way I view everything and the life choices I make.  The practical is often safe and the path of least resistance.  It’s also the path that requires less imagination and often devoid of passion and devotion.  I’m just not built that way. I break the rules of practicality often.  I’m not meant to be fit it, but to stand out.

I try to be practical. I try to be rational.  I try to be responsible and accountable, but I’m an artist.  I’m created to think outside the box, see beyond the frame, wonder and contemplate what’s behind the veil. Curiosity fuels me, imagination propels me, and my thirst to experience the unknown lifts me off the ground, allowing me to soar. 

I watch many people around me lose themselves in their daily quests to provide for their basic needs and necessities.  Like zombies, they head to fulfilling jobs, going through the motions, floating around and around in the cycles of routine, trying to convince themselves they’re happy; chasing the American Dream.  But, what is the true cost?  I don’t want to gain the world and lose my soul.

As someone who is working hard to provide a sense a safety and security, looking for ways to provide basic necessities, I have to find a balance between the practical and the mysterious, protecting that wondrous and curious side of me, or it may fall victim, become the sacrifice to the mundane.   Too many dreams have been mutilated and murdered to make way for the practical.  With their death, often comes the blinders that keep us from seeing the mysteries around us, experiencing the wonder and awe of beautiful creations.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Responsible Expecations

Loyalty, commitment, dedication, promise, and faithfulness …what do all these words mean?  Why do people run from them as if they’re shackles to be clamped upon their wrists and ankles?  I think most often it’s because of the words that usually follow those which are the ones that truly bind a person, or which they fear will bind them such as …responsibility and expectation.

My question is …can one be truly free of responsibilities and expectations in any form, at any level of a relationship between two or more people?  Can we even be free of these things unto ourselves?  I don’t think so.

I keep telling myself, having come out of a long committed relationship that I don’t want to be loyal, committed, dedicated, promised or faithful to another person; I want to be free.  What does that really mean?  What am I really saying?  What am I really looking for?  What am I really running from?

How can I want something that is contrary to my very character?  I’m a person of my word.  I’m loyal to a fault, even to those things that are detriment to me.  When I set my mind and heart on something, I’m committed.  I’m dedicated to the tasks I set my hands to complete.  When I make a promise, I do my best to keep it.  When my heart is involved in something, I can’t imagine my affections being divided, because that’s not how I’m made.  I put my whole heart into the things I do and the choices I make.  So how can I say, want or even comprehend the very idea of living a life or avoiding a relationship in the hopes of avoiding those words in my life?  That’s a contradiction to who I am.

I’ve meditated for a long time trying to understand why I’m trying to run from these very things.  I watch other people around me who say they live their lives free of these things, especially when it comes to relationships, but I don’t see the evidence of their absence and wonder do I deceive myself in the same way?  Can I live a life, have a relationship, or enter an action void of these particular traits?  I don’t think I can.  So, what is it I really desire?  What is it I’m trying to avoid?

The only answer I can conceive is responsibility and expectation.  These are the two areas I feel I fail most in life, and which bring me the most heartache and pain; not fulfilling my responsibilities and failing to live up to expectations – either mine or from someone else.  I fear these two things, not only for me, but to me.  Perhaps the latter is what I fear most… someone else not fulfilling their responsibilities concerning me or failing to meet my expectations.  Yes, I think that’s the truth of the matter.

What do I do about it?  What can I do about it? Is there such a relationship free of these things?  Or am I just swimming in delusion, deceiving myself in an effort to alleviate my fears? More than likely, but I’m at a total loss concerning the scabrous solution.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

It's Not My Time - 3 Doors Down - Cincinnati, Ohio - SongPlaces.com article

Okay, everyone ... please go check out my first article at SongPlaces.com.  Leave comments, tell SongPlaces how cool their website is, and show a girl some love and support. by telling me how you think I did.

http://www.songplaces.com/It_s_Not_My_Time/Cincinnati_Ohio

I enjoyed writing it.

My next song to review is: "Mr. Know it All" by Kelly Clarkson - featuring the city of Nashville, TN.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Don't Step Back - Push Forward

I’m afraid of a lot of things, because life is filled with a lot of uncertainty and in the middle of adversity I have been hurt.  However, one thing I’m certain is that I walk through this world with my eyes and heart wide open and my observations and opinions, failures and successes, are my own.  Fear makes me cautious, but it doesn’t stop me. I’m not afraid to fail or get hurt; I’m more afraid not to try, not to learn, or not to experience.

I’ve been through a lot of changes over the years and my mistakes are countless, but there’s one thing that hasn’t changed, and that’s my authenticity or my devotion.  I’ve been wrong, I’ve been narrow-minded, I’ve been naïve, and I’ve been mistaken, but I’ve always been honest… to myself and to others.  This is dangerous because it allows my heart and soul to be exposed and possibly hurt, and I have been hurt – a lot.  Yet I can’t bring myself to live any other way.

I’ve been rejected, but I can’t allow rejection to stop me from trying again.  Someday I’ll be accepted.

I’ve been let down by those who should have been there for me most, but I can’t allow that to stop me from ever depending on someone else.  Someday, someone will be there when I need them.

I’ve watched portions of my dreams being shattered like glass, but I can’t allow that to stop me from reaching for more dreams or putting those shattered pieces together.  Someday I’ll walk in their fulfillment.

Not everybody sees the world the same.  Not everybody responds to the hurts, pains and disappointments with the same measure.  Our natural reactions to pain, disappointment, or failure are to close our eyes and build a tall wall around our hearts. Most often we cling to philosophies and opinions of others because we no longer trust our own decisions.  WE CAN’T DO THAT!

I’ve learned…

If you’re heartbroken …the best way to heal from that pain is to put your heart back out there, don’t hide it away. YES, you can make a wrong decision and it can get hurt again, but it can also get filled.  Hiding it away builds an unhealthy pattern and you can become rigid and spend your life alone and bitter, or going from one meaningless relationship to the next. It’s meaningless because you don’t allow your heart to become invested.

If you’ve failed at something …immediately start working on it again or jump into something new. Don’t step back and become afraid to try something else, because you can very well become too afraid to ever try anything again.  

We’re often told to take a step back to give our hearts a chance to heal. Let me tell you, as someone who has endured a lot of pain, failure, disappointment, setbacks, heartache and abuse… I’ve never healed by stepping back – only by pushing forward.  I’ve never succeeded by sitting down after a defeat – only by grabbing the next opportunity. 

And as for matters of the heart …I’ve given it my best shot, invested everything thing I had, loved openly and honestly and failed miserably… and the only way I know how to heal from that is to open my wounded heart to love again.  I WANT to build walls, push away and run like hell. I receive advice almost on a daily basis to step back, put up walls, set boundaries, to give myself time to heal.  I’ve spent the last couple of decades learning to love myself and open my heart… and I’ll be damned if I’m going to start closing it now.  Is that a mistake?  Only time will tell.

I’m moving forward… in my career, my passion, my dream and my heart. I apologize now for those around me who can’t do the same, because I may just have to leave you behind so you don’t hold me back. I can’t allow someone else to stop me from moving forward. I’ve just escaped that… and cannot allow it. This is ME seeing things in MY OWN eyes and feeling with MY OWN heart.  I may be wrong, but it’s my honest thoughts.  I may fail today, but if I do, I’ll get up again tomorrow.  You never know …I may just succeed. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray 

Deafening Silence

Have you ever noticed how loud silence can be? The quieter it becomes, the louder it gets.  My thoughts are clearer; my inner voice is louder. The drum of silence beats with a steady pulse. Yet, in the clamor of silence, there's a presence of self. It says to me I'm not alone, yet I find I’m accompanied by loneliness, because, in truth, I am alone.

My emptiness reminds me of a deserted beach filled with the sound of the wind, the waves crashing along the shore, and of the screech of a seagull ripping through the air. Yet I walk alone because the beach is abandoned. I call this …deafening silence.

My home is now often filled with silence, though the echoes of life surround me; a bark of a dog, a song of a bird, a rustle of leaves, the roar of a passing vehicle, the sound of my heart beating, my breathing... yet everything is filled with the steady hum of silence, covered by loneliness.

Should I run Silence away? Drown him out with white noise? What of Loneliness? He’s been my companion for a very long time.  Should I embrace them like old friends?  That seems to be all I’m worthy or desired of being… a friend.  I’m not wanted as a lover, a companion, a partner, or a soul mate. 

I walk through the day with many friends who encourage, love and inspire me, telling me how great am I, pushing me to meet my goals. Yet at night I cry myself to sleep wondering why I’m denied arms to wrap around me, lips to brush against my brow, the touch of desire, whispers of adoration, and caresses of tenderness. Why do I have Silence and Loneliness only to comfort me?  Shall that be my epitaph?  “She was a great friend.”

I have learned to love myself.  I have learned to believe I deserve to be completely loved, wanted and desired.  I believe it with all my heart.  My hope is that someday, someone else will believe it too and I can fill this deafening silence.  Perhaps I’ll one day be the song that fills someone else’s silence as I fill their heart. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

My Time

Kalaloch Lodge - 05/30/2013

Sometimes when I look around me, it looks like everybody seems to be doing what they have to do or need to do, but very few do what they want.  I’ve learned how to separate myself from those who only engage the prior reasons and started to surround myself with those who participate and live doing what they’re passionate, or who encourage me to do the same.  Why, because the kind of people which surrounds us affects what we accomplish in this world. 

I’m not a stranger to hard work.  I’m not lazy in any way.  I work hard and passionate with everything I do.  I spend so much of my time and energy encouraging others to do the same thing.  But, my actions are not always financially prosperous.  Yet my soul is filled to overflowing.  However, having a full soul, a smile on your face, a skip in your step and a sense of fulfillment doesn’t pay bills or put a roof over your head.  I’m not a materialistic girl, except when it comes to my technical toys, but I do have basic needs.  I need somewhere to sleep, food to eat, clothes to wear, and a means to remain healthy and hygienic.  All these things require money.

So, my feeling today is …when is it my time?  Where is the harvest of the seeds I’ve sown throughout the years?  Where is the love just for me?  I don’t want much, but what I want is great.  I want to not have to worry about what I’m going to eat, where I’m going to sleep, or if I’m going to always be alone.  Faith says not to worry about these things, but facing stark realities everyday make it really hard to have that kind of faith, especially when I’ve been homeless, I’ve been hungry, and I’ve been unloved, rejected, and alone.  So, I know those things are possible.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Typos

T.L. Gray © 2013

It never fails. No matter how careful I am, or how many times I read over what I’ve written, there will be a typo, an omission, or something misspelled. I’m careful, I read slowly and out loud to make sure I’m happy with pacing, content and structure.  I double-check spelling, grammar and punctuation, but as I read my posts once they go live, either I or one of my writer/editor friends will point out the mistake. 

I’m a perfectionist.  I want to put out the best, most excellent product I can possibly manage, so when I see these errors and typos I become so disappointed in myself.

Blogging is not new to me.  I’ve been blogging since 2005.  You’d think by now I’d have this thing perfected.  Well, as long as a single word must be manually entered, I’m susceptible to make a mistake.  Count on it.  Just know I try my best and my mistakes are just that, mistakes.

I’d love to be able to share with you a secret way that will guarantee you’ll never make another typo again.  But, I haven’t discovered that secret for myself.  If you have, please share it with the rest of us.

Are you smiling and shaking your head now?  If not, smile anyway, because I bet you read through this blog post a couple of times looking for the typo.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

What in the World Were You Born to Do?

Photo by T.L. Gray – Flying over Washington ©2013

Partial Lyrics posted by artist Hugo - Born 

My son introduced me to a new artist yesterday, Hugo. I came across one of his songs, Born, and I can’t get it out of my heart or my mind.  It’s got a catchy tune, a great beat, and a beautiful message.  It starts out, “What in the world were you born to do? Beat me and tease me, I’ll take the abuse, ‘cause I know that I was born to love you.”  For me… this song is a glaring confession of what I feel I was born to do – I was born to write and help others do the same.

“You’re so electric and I’m on fire. These roads I take all lead to you. Can’t find the exit, just let me through.”  I didn’t come to this life-path revelation early in my life. For many years I begged, sought, prayed, tried my hand in many different areas (which now all help in fulfilling my purpose), and cried many nights desperate for just a hint or glimpse so I could step into my purpose, with purpose.  No one understood me. The things I wanted didn’t seem to be accepted or supported by anyone else.  I kept being pushed into the direction of the practical (business, office, corporate, career) or ministerial.  Though I was good in these areas, my heart yearned for the artistic. I kept trying to find the thing my inner child approved.   

The other side I found frustrating was watching passionate people uprooting their practical lives to chase what they felt was their ‘calling’, but it seemed to only pertain to political or religious contexts. No one thought twice about a man uprooting his family and asking that family to sacrifice their practical way of living for him to fulfill his mandate and mission called by God, or what he felt was a political aspiration to help ‘the people’. Can you imagine the reaction, even from such people, when it came to the idea of asking the same sacrifice to chase the dream of being a writer?

I worked for many years helping the homeless, hungry, elderly and sick, and even the occasional political rally …these are all ‘noble’ causes, but my heart always yearned to touch people in actions that helped me most as an abused child. My only friends during my turbulent childhood were my books; escaping into beautifully woven stories.  Those stories gave me courage, comfort and companionship until I became strong enough and old enough to escape that life.  If there is ONE thing in this world I desire most… it is being able to provide that same thing for someone else, either with my own stories, or with beautiful works by others. 

I couldn’t, nor wouldn’t, listen to words from people – people hurt me and I built tall and strong walls to keep me separated from them.  If someone tried to touch me or even talk to me, I fought or shut down.  People were liars and I didn’t trust them, but my heart and my mind was open to books and stories… and it was through those stories I found the courage to face my life.  I know there are many others out there who are the same.  It is for THEM I write and hope to one day encourage, inspire and reach.  I can only do that by writing and helping other writers get those stories out there, even if I never personally see or meet anyone we’ve touched. “It feels like home in your eyes.  Then we’ll stay alone until we try.”

Why then is that not a good-enough call for the world?  You know what -   I don’t care if it is good enough for them, it’s good enough for me ‘cause I know that is what in the world I was born to do. “The price that I pay ‘cause I don’t see the truth.  As long as you’re gone, you’re all I had to lose.”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Understanding Silence

Picture by Glyn Powell © 2013 - London, UK

Communication, in my opinion, is the most important element in any relationship.  But not all communication requires words.  Actually, I believe words are the least important part.  Action speaks loudly; inaction speaks even louder.

I’ve learned more from a touch, a look, or a cold shoulder than from words. That’s a strange comment coming from a writer.  My world revolves around words; I understand their power.  But in order for me to know how or which words to use, I need to know and understand human behavior; know body language; know actions and reactions.

I have a fear of rejection.  I’ve received it my whole life, especially from the ones who were supposed to love me most.  I know the body language and actions that accompany rejection, and sometimes when new people come into my life and engage in the same or similar actions, my first and natural response is to throw up my defensive walls. 

It takes a great effort for me hold back and not be offended or defensive.  Sometimes I fail, and my friends don’t often understand, because they don’t see that rejected little girl, I keep her hid quite well.  They see a strong leader, a go getter, a successful business woman, someone who stands strong in silence. I am all those things, because my fear of rejection propels me into action.  Being strong helps me overcome my fear.  Being outgoing helps me overcome my shyness.  Being confident helps me overcome my insecurities. Being accepting helps me overcome my sense of rejection.  Being assertive helps me overcome being scared.  Being silent helps me stay positive.

I know there will come more moments of rejection in my life, but I can’t allow that to paralyze me from being and doing what I need.  Hopefully, knowing these things about me, others will better understand my silence, not just my words.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray