Clarity of Regret

Clarity of Regret

“Just because you do right things, doesn’t mean they’re right.  History determines if you’ve made the right choices, and that great revelation doesn’t come until the end of your life – right before clarity of regret shows you the light.” ~ Titier E. Solano

What I’d like to have right now is clarity of mind.  Have you ever heard something that upon first hearing you felt it had more depth than you currently possessed in order to understand it?  That’s how it was this morning when my friend said the previous words to me.

I consider myself extremely lucky to be surrounded by such wise philosophers.  They’re not all writers, they’re not world famous, but they’re all geniuses and I hold them in the highest regard.  Some respect others for what they can contribute financially, socially, or even emotionally to the world, but I absolutely admire those who possess a great mind, who think beyond the surface, who can touch my soul.  Titles are good.  Ranks are highly respected.  Degrees are admirable.  Introspection and wisdom don’t require any of those things.  

I’ve been moving all week packing boxes, loading boxes, unloading boxes, and then unpacking those same boxes, to either discard or reuse them. I move all those items around and around, looking for the new spot where they now belong.  When I’m doing manual labor, my mind often delves deep within the psyche and I question sometimes even the basics of human truth.  I admire a sexy body, I adore a beautiful smile, but there’s nothing I appreciate more than a clever, wise, and stimulating mind.

A body is just a shell.  It can be changed, manipulated, grow old and wrinkly, or become scarred and damaged.  I could never love someone simply for their flesh.  Yet so much emphasis is put on that outward meat suit. I would say that a majority of our society can’t get passed it, never seeing the beautiful soul beneath it. I sometimes see a beautiful soul long before I see a handsome face.  Perhaps my view is a little different having grown up with disabled parents.  At an early age I was able to see the humanity behind skin and bones – and realize that a person is the soul that wears the flesh, not the flesh itself. It’s a person’s mind and heart that makes decisions, expresses emotions, and to which we truly connect.  Though it is a physical pair of strong arms that I crave and sometimes allow to hold me – the reason it feels so good is because of the soul that chose to wrap those arms around me. I’ve felt the intrusive abuse of an unwanted touch. While I despised the flesh that violated me, it was the soul of my violator I hated most – the source of the choice.

But what of our choices?  Back to the initial quote at the start of this post.  What’s the point of making choices if we don’t know whether those choices are right or wrong until they’ve been proven as such at the end of our life?  If we cannot control the ultimate outcome, why should we then be concerned with our choices at all today?  What seems right today, may at the end of history be proven wrong.  If I can’t truly know, or can’t see the end of it all, why do I sometimes torture myself in worry over making a wrong choice?

You don’t know how many times I’ve let life slip passed me because of indecision – by being too afraid to make a choice. NOTHING happens in indecision.  Fear of mistakes leads to that petrification.  But, I’m learning something very valuable and very liberating – even my mistakes are better than indecision, because even in my mistakes I’m alive, I’m moving, I’m more than just existing.  Mr. Solano responded to my Good Morning World post that ended with ‘I’m at least living’ with, “Many things live …”  I responded, “It’s more than just existing.  To be aware, to move like water in a river is better than stagnation.  It’s purifying and better than a pond – which turns briny, evaporates in the heat, and breeds bitterness.” His response is the quote listed above.  His words stirred my soul this morning.

I learn from mistakes. Yes, my heart has been broken so bad I don’t know if I can ever find all the missing pieces.  It’s left me so marred I’m a pitiful mess full of cracks, and I’ve done the best I can to haphazardly glue myself back together. Not just emotionally, but physically too.  I’ve still got a lot of work to do, but I’ve come a long way.  At times,  I’m so damned scared that another fall will turn these cracked pieces to a fine dust and I’ll just blow away and not a single soul on this earth will care. But being afraid leaves me indecisive.  Indecision leaves me stagnant.  Stagnation slowly kills me.  So what if I make another mistake? So what if I love the wrong person?  So what if I get hurt again?  At least I lived, and moved, and breathed, and felt something.  I’m so afraid to feel because I’ve experienced so much pain.  But, I’m more afraid NOT to feel. Closing off my heart and putting up walls doesn’t protect me… it kills me.   How do I let them down?  I want to blow them up with some dynamite (btw – invented by Alfred Nobel) and carve out a new path of liberation.

I don’t want the clarity of regret to consume me at the end of my life because I filled it with indecisions due to fear, or I sat around and waited for the perfect person or opportunity to come my way.  There is no perfection. What if the imperfect person in front of me is the perfect person for me?  I understand that the things I want may not work out -  that I could lose again, that I’ll fuck up and make a huge mistake, that I’ll get my heart broke again – but at least I’ll also have loved and lived.  Can I walk away and leave everything behind for love?  Yes, I KNOW I can, it’s what I’ve been doing the last couple of years – when the person I fell in love with has been Me.  How much more could I do it for someone else?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray