Someday

I love this meme with Charlie Brown and Snoopy. Chuck is just being real, laying it all out there and sharing with his best friend that he understands his reality. He’s having that existential moment and struggle with his mortality, like we all face at times.  We are all going to die. Oh man, that is so simple, yet so profound, and really sucks!  Though I’ve technically died twice, there is a final death waiting for us all. We only get (1) one life.  ONE. That’s it! Sure, there are faiths, beliefs, and theories that profess we come back again and again – but right now, as me (Tonya), that stubborn-ass girl born on a hot July back in the early 70’s – I get ONE trip on this big blue ball as the flesh and blood woman sitting here this morning typing this blog post. But how long do I have? Who knows?  It could be another half century, or just a few more minutes.  We have no control over that. When our time comes – Death will come and claim his soul.  But what kind of soul will that be?

For a Beagle, Snoopy is one profound puppy.  He has this silent strength about him.  If you notice, Snoopy doesn’t respond with his emotions, but with controlled wisdom.  He is often silent, yet profound. I’m the opposite. I’m very vocal, passionate, and extremely expressive on both sides of the optimist and pessimist coin.  I’m like Chuck, always questioning the universe. Always pondering the mysteries of life. Always seeking the answers to my issues, but there’s not always a Lucy with her $.05 stand to answer my questions.  I believe a Snoopy has recently come into my life that doesn’t speak much, but when he does – he speaks with a profound truth – a controlled truth, a truth often void of emotional strings. It’s refreshing, and helps tether my emotional balloons.  I really hope he knows how much I appreciate him.

Snoopy’s wisdom reminds me to look at what’s important in life. It really hit home with me this morning.  Truth – is so profound in and of itself.  Snoops doesn’t deny the truth in Chuck’s proclamation, but affirms it.  TRUE – we will all die someday, BUT … man, wow …but on ALL the OTHER DAYS we will NOT.  Boom! That’s it folks.  THAT is the fucking key to life.  We have to live – really fucking live on all those other days. We have to choose to live. We have to choose to look at the bright side – the optimistic side.  Don’t worry about that ONE day, be in the moment of all the other days.  Take the leap. Eat the cake.  Kiss the girl. Be grateful and thankful and appreciate the world around you and the people that make those days good and bearable. Love each other. Love yourself. Stop hiding behind fear and stress and anxiety and pessimistic outlooks.  Cut the bullshit out of your life. Stop clinging to the excuses.  So what if you fuck up and make a mistake? So what if you get hurt? So what if you fail? Failure is just an opportunity to try again or try something else.  Jump!

My friend wrote something the other day about all the pessimistic fears, lies, and worries the mind, the body, and the ego says to us on a constant basis– but the heart had the key – the heart had the single optimistic profound message that outweighed the mind, body and ego all together.  “Hooyah” says the heart. Hooyah, indeed. Maybe my friend will send me his quote and I can share it with the world.  It’ll hit the center of your soul with its profound message.

There’s a world out there – and we all have a life to live.  Live it.  Chase those dreams. Time is limited, so live life now. James and I made so many dreams together, but his day came swiftly.  Since then, I’ve been doing the best I can to live the best life I can to fulfill those dreams we made knowing there’s no promise for tomorrow. I won’t wait for tomorrow, because I know the truth – sometimes my tomorrow, my day, will come. But on all the other days – it will not and so today I say, “Hooyah!”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

I Remember You

I’m the type of person that gives all herself to whatever she sets her heart upon. When I love, I love with everything within me. When I make a decision, I throw all my heart, soul, and energy into the task I’ve accepted.  If I’ve accepted the task, believe me when I tell you this over-thinker has already thought about every conclusion, every outcome, every risk, and every possibility – and yet I chose.  The Word tells us to consider the cost of something before we set our hands to it. Before we build something, know the plans, know the cost, and know the materials and foundation that will be required to complete the task.  Don’t make plans just to start a task, be determined and make the plans to finish it.  While it’s a ‘nice’ philosophy to live by the seat of your pants and make responsive choices as needs and wants arrive, it’s irresponsible and in the long run costs many times more than what was ever needed or required.  It’s a thief – come to steal any progress or profit.  It leads to destruction because the foundation wasn’t solid, the materials weren’t right, shortcuts were made, and essential lode-bearing beams were never placed properly. I believe my previous world crumbled because of this practice.  My foundation was set on hopes and dreams.  My choices were reactive to emotion and need.  I knew better. No one is blame but myself. I knew better and I chose anyway.

In the middle of this current phase of my life, I’m again beginning to recognize myself.  I’m beginning to see that diligent, hard-working, responsible, frugal, driven, goal-oriented, organized, over-thinking, button-downed, cost-counting, careful, blessed, planning, creative artist that I once was, that I worked hard to develop, and that I fought hard to shape.  I see her plain and clear.  I’ve missed her. I whispered to her in the mirror last night, “I remember you.”

I do not regret my past choices – to love and give everything to the family I chose.  I do not regret the choices I made - because they were my choices. I own my choices, my mistakes, and my failures. I wasn’t forced into making those choices, I wasn’t deceived, and I wasn’t manipulated. I didn’t make a choice because of sympathy or need. I simply loved – and I chose love. That choice came with a high cost - and I paid it, I’m paying it now with every tear, every moment I miss them, and every moment I miss not being with them as our lives go separate ways.  But, I’ve also gained, or more accurately re-gained something just as precious – me. 

I’m building a new life now, and believe me – I’m counting every cost.  Every step I make I take into consideration – everything.  I’m not meant to build something small in this world.  I knew that at a very early age.  I’m meant for greatness.  I’m meant to build something spectacular.  I’m not an average person. I never was, and I never will be. I’ve tried to be average. I’ve tried to be what the world or people I loved wanted or needed me to be, but I’m not meant to be any of those things.  I am created for a greater purpose. I don’t know what that is, but I do know the kind of person I need to be in order to step into that role. She’s been baptized in fire. She’s been shaped and molded in flame.  She’s been kindled in water.  She’s been sculpted by the hands of the Maker of the Universe. I remember her.  He whispers, “I remember you, too.”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Faith, Hope and Love

Life is hard.  One of the sad realities is that we are often lonely souls, even when we are surrounded by other people.  We are born alone, unless we are a twin, or a triplet, or a quadruplet.  We also die alone, unless we are part of a multiple catastrophe like a plane crash, natural disaster, etc., that takes a lot of people at the same time.   But, you get the point. We are individuals.  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes… I’ve heard all this bullshit before.  What I’ve learned in my nearly 46 years on this rotating ball of iron is that we are social beings and we need interaction with other humans, with other souls, and no matter what we achieve in this life, gain or lose, it’s our faith, hope and love that matter most.  The rest are the non-essential details.

Sex, money, fame, success, the American dream, etc., all of it is bullshit if we don’t have faith, hope, and love.  Sex alone is fucking boring (pun intended). Sex with someone without love, is even worse, it’s empty and does nothing to abate the loneliness inside the soul and attacks the love we have for ourselves.  Money and all the things it can buy is powerless because it can’t buy love, respect, or faith.  I love having money, for the purpose that I can spend it making the people I love happy, or providing what they need, or being there for them if they need me. If there’s no one to spend my money on, it has no value.  Yes, I need a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and clothes on my body to keep me warm or covered.  Basic essentials are important and it takes money to supply those needs.  But, possessing those things isn’t living, it’s surviving.  Surviving is natural, and some of us do it better than others. Some of us are lazy, stupid, and immature and surviving becomes a major importance in life – but what do we strive to survive for?  I’m not living so that I have somewhere to sleep, food to eat, or somewhere to lay my head.  I don’t want to eat to live, I want live to eat.  I want to see the world, but I want to see it with someone who will enjoy all the places we go.  Like Whitney said, I want to dance – with somebody. I want to laugh – with somebody.  I want to cry – with somebody.  I want to dream – with somebody.  I want be someone’s cheerleader and share in their successes.  I want to be a shoulder they can cry on when their world starts closing in on them and squeezing their hope.  I want to have someone I can come home to and share all the exciting or boring things that happened that day.  Life is meant to be shared.  Love is meant to be shared.

I have been hungry, homeless, and in need, but I’ve never been helpless, or lazy, and I know how to survive.  I have loved with my whole heart, and it’s been broken so many times.  I have many people who love me and care about me, but I’m lonely, my faith is weak, and my hope dies a little more every day.  I have to encourage myself. I often feel unnecessary, lost, and unwanted by this world, most often forgotten.  At times I don’t want to be here anymore because I’ve lost purpose, direction.  I’m not wanted or needed and I know the world would keep turning without me in it.  But inside, deep inside, there is a soul that clings tightly to her faith.  Oh, I get angry and feel betrayed by that faith, but don’t you see – those are all evidence that it’s still there. You don’t get angry at what you don’t believe.  It’s because I believe so deeply that I get so angry.  There’s a soul that holds tightly to hope, a hope for a better tomorrow, a hope for peace, a hope for love, a hope for purpose.   And that same little soul is wrapped in love; love for a hateful and selfish world, love for a beautiful  and kind world, love for those who’ve already gone, those who are right in front of her, and even for those she’s yet to meet.

Sometimes I lose focus and allow that loneliness to consume me, the pain of it to engulf me, and I make bad decisions, do rash things, put myself in harm’s way, and fight the thoughts of giving in and giving up.  I want to, but I fight back.  I put on my smile - my armor, my shield, my sword.  I focus on the positive. I give thanks for the souls that are in my life and who take their time to listen, to let me know they care.

Yes, one day I will die and leave this place behind.  The ONLY things that will matter when I’m gone is the love I left behind.  That’s it.  NOTHING ELSE matters.  When James died, all he left me was love, and it’s gotten me through so many years, so many tears, so many times.  Just a little bit of love. I’ve done some AMAZING things with that little bit of love.  Imagine what I could do with a little bit more, fired by my faith, and infused with my hope?

Take all the sex, money, fame and success and all those materialistic and vain things people kill, betray, and abuse themselves and each other to obtain… and shove them up the world’s proverbial ass.  Give me faith – faith in myself, faith in God, and faith in my friends.  Give me hope – something to chase, something to strive for, something of value to achieve. And give me love – the binder of all things.  With these three things I will conquer the world and myself, and the devils that whisper in my ear that I’m unnecessary, unwanted, unneeded, and unloved.

Faith, Hope and Love.  1 Corinthians 13 (NIV)
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, and I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Kiss the Girl!

Wake up! Get up! Move your fucking feet! Kiss the girl!

Look, Life knocks us down. I think the abusive bitch really enjoys it, because she knocks me out quite a lot.  It seems like every time I stand up on my feet, dust myself off, and start picking up my pace to make a little bit of forward motion, she’ll drop a damned 747 out of the sky to fall on my head. But, I’m indestructible, immortal, and a freaking superwoman, because I choose to be. What’s your excuse?

Listen, I have my moments where I want to lay there on the ground and just cry because of how unfair life can be, is, or will always be.  But, I’m not five-years old.  Add forty years to that, and a whole lot of responsibility never really having time to be a brat. I’m jealous of you spoiled mother-fuckers that always had someone else looking after you, cleaning up your messes, wiping your noses, and patting you on the head telling you what a good job you’ve done.  Take your participation trophies and wrap them up in your dirty diapers, and go suck on your binky. I don’t have time for your pity party.  Believe me, I’ve been trying to have one for the last few years, and it isn’t working!

Hey! Knock it off.  Suck it up, Buttercup.  It’s time to get up. It’s time to move, even if you don’t know which way to go, move anyway.  The sad part is not moving, being stuck in the moment, being mired in the muck of self-pity. Learn this lesson: Life is NEVER fair. NEVER! Fair has never existed, and it never will.  This is a stupid concept ingrained into our psyche as children and we carry it with us throughout our lives, beating ourselves up when LIFE throws us a monkey wrench.  We are taught that WE are in control of the bullshit that happens in our lives.  That if we are good, good will happen to us.  That if we are fair, fair will find us.  BULLSHIT!  You tell that to every abused child, cancer patient, soldier’s widow, the betrayed, the rejected, and the good-hearted discarded because keeping up is hard.  Life is not fair.  She never was. She never has been. She never will be.  So, get up!

Want to know what you control? Nothing, except HOW you respond.  That’s it.  That’s all the control you have.  You can’t control the universe, you can’t control the weather, you can’t control the ocean’s tide, you can’t control someone else’s response, you can’t control God, you can’t control the economy, you can’t control anything. You can bribe, manipulate, lie, and scheme, but you can’t control anything in life except how YOU respond to it.  That’s who you are.  Not who you say. Not who you think. Not what some piece of paper says, by degree or birth certificate.  You are how you respond to every little and every big decision you make.

Stop being a pussy. Stop being afraid of making a mistake.  Fucking make a mistake, because you’re at least living, doing, deciding.  Stop hiding. Stop wallowing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop WAITING for the right time, the right person, the right circumstance.  Stop waiting to win the lottery. Stop WAITING and start fucking moving. Start making decisions. Start making choices. STOP making excuses.  I’m so fucking tired of hearing excuses.  I hear it at work, I hear it at home, I hear it in society all around me.  I hear it out of my own mouth.  The mantra is … “I can’t… because. I won’t… because. I don’t… because.  I hear that bullshit a whole lot more than I’d like to admit.  But, that’s the problem. Until we admit to ourselves, until we recognize our reactions, our inaction, and our whiny excuses… we can’t change them. So, as a society, we keep ourselves distracted with bullshit, nonsense, shit that don’t matter,  so we don’t have to hear our souls crying out to open our fucking eyes. Because to open our eyes to the truth is to be faced with the choices that define us.  We WANT to be fair.  We want life to be on Easy Street. We want someone to change our diapers for us, to take away all the shit we’ve produced, and give us a clean diaper so we can soil that too.  Feed us, because we don’t want to learn to feed ourselves.  Hold our hands, because we don’t want to face the struggle it takes to walk on our own. Coddle us, because our little feelings are hurt. Rock us, because we’re sleepy.  We bitch about putting on ten pounds, all the while stuffing our feelings.

Move.  Choose.  Kiss the girl - life!  She’s right in front of you.  See her.  Stop thinking about whether you’re making a mistake, or will there a better option tomorrow, or will she love you back because all the girl’s you’ve kissed before had hurt, abused, and used you?  Stop being a fucking coward and kiss the girl. It’s better to have kissed, than to have missed your opportunity, because guess what… life will continue without you.  All you’ve lost is the opportunity to really live. To live in the moment.  To get out of life ALL that you can in that moment… whether it ends up being a mistake.  Even from our mistakes, we live.  I have a life full of mistakes, but not ONE regret. 

I lived for nearly twenty years doing the ‘right’ thing, the practical, the responsible, the ‘good’ thing, and I don’t regret any of it, because it was to fulfill the dream of being able to provide a certain life for my kids.  That was my dream.  However, I didn’t do a whole lot of living in that era, nor the era before . I was too busy trying to be good, to be right, to make responsible choices and so afraid of disappointing everyone else around me, of disappointing God, and of making a mistake.  THAT was the true mistake.  Because all that did was steal life from me.   

I’ve got some heavy choices before me, and many of those choices paralyze me because I’m so afraid of making the wrong one.  I’ve spent so much time being afraid of the consequences of those choices, because I know life isn’t fair.  I’ve felt the pain and suffering of an unfair life.  Those burn scars still hurt today.  But, this is me this morning, puckering my lips… ‘cause you know what… I want to kiss!  I don’t want to just kiss, but I want to rip my clothes off and make beautiful, passionate love.  If it turns out to be a mistake, at least I had an orgasm, and my toes curled, and my stomach had butterflies.

Kiss! Kiss!

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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 [KK1]

Moving Forward... Day 3

The new year is around the corner. I’m so ready to get beyond all the holidays and get back to my adventures, get back to my agenda of moving forward.  Moving forward is not standing still, it’s not planning and contemplating, and hoping and wishing... it’s taking the steps, even tiny steps, to moving forward.  That’s where I am today.  I’m not waiting until next week, with the new year, I’m moving now.

I’ve started my workout. I’m getting out my maps and planning my next lighthouse adventure. I’m making a budget to start putting money away to move. I’m dusting my hands off from all the dirt of pulling myself out of the emotional hole I’ve been living in and I’m moving forward. 

Let the sun shine. Let the adventure come. I’m focused. Let’s go.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Hello, and What Have You Done With My Life?

Wow. It’s been a while. I’m not even sure I know myself anymore because I hardly recognize anything in my life. Not only have I exchanged the peach trees of Georgia for the palm trees of Florida, I’m surrounded by different people, and the routine that had been my life for the past couple years is… well, it’s just not there anymore. I’m lost, but not necessarily in a bad way. Sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself. I should know this, because I’ve experienced it more times than I can count… and I can count pretty high.

I was talking to a dear friend of mine the other day and something very profound struck me. I discovered I have been trying so hard to hold on to a part of me that no longer existed. I’m not even sure of who I am anymore, even after these last few years of self-discovery. Facing death changes a person in ways it’s hard to comprehend. That change is so deep that the consequences, the effects, and the transformation are sometimes so subtle we miss them and wander around in a sense of perplexity, without realizing we’re not realizing. Make sense? I ‘used to be’ a writer, a mother, a wife, a leader, a business owner, a boss, an employee, a sister, a daughter, an adventurer, a romantic, a pragmatic, a dreamer, etc. While I may discover some of these attributes again in my life, I can’t go back to who I ‘used’ to be, no matter my history, my career, my accomplishments, my failures, my wants, or my experiences. When I faced mortality, again …the old me, the person I used to be, died – yet, I still live. I often say to myself, “Hello, and what have you done with my life?”

I’m a new person. Much the same way as expressed in the Christian faith, I’ve been reborn, made new, transformed into a new creature. Now I just have to figure out who that person happens to be. While I may wear familiar skin, the soul inside has been drastically changed. When I try to hold onto something that no longer exists, that’s when I get frustrated and lost, because this new person isn’t the same. Perhaps there are similarities, but the old me - the other me, no longer exists. I’ve been grieving her, and like the death of someone lost, I’ve tried extremely hard to hold onto her. But, I must. I must move forward. I must live in the here, in the now, and I need to start figuring out who I am – NOW. I can’t answer that question at the moment. While a lot of things from my old life are present, I have to work through them, deal with them, and resolve them in my new life, in the manner my new self decides.

So, who am I? What do I want? What can I do? What do I like? What are my fears? What are my desires? What are my dreams? The answers to these questions will determine the direction I take. I find myself this morning standing at a crossroads with many, many, many roads to choose, and I don’t have a fucking clue which one to take. But, you know what – I don’t have to know. I may choose a path I’ve taken before, or I may choose a new one altogether.

What I’ve learned from facing death is that life is the journey, not the destination, nor the past. Live in the now. Seize the day – Carpe Diem. As Jesus said, “Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Love, today. Don’t be afraid to tell the people who are important in your life that you appreciate them, love them, care for them, and adore them… today, while you still have the chance. Take a chance on life, on love, on happiness. Quit fighting to be perfect and love yourself in all your beautiful imperfections, because we are ALL imperfect, messed-up freaks.

I deeply love an imperfect asshole, but I don’t regret it, not for one second. He’s beautiful to me, especially within his imperfections. I’ve tried so hard to walk away from him, but my soul literally soars at his mere presence and withers at his absence. I hate that, yet love it at the same time. I adore a great friend who has shown me such love, such comfort, such wisdom, such patience, and such beauty in these very, very, stressful last couple of months. I couldn’t have survived without him. He has helped me down this revertant path. His soul is so beautiful, he has restored my faith in humanity and the capable goodness we all possess. I hope he will always be in my life. I appreciate and love my best friend who opened her home and her heart to the mess of me. She’ll never know how much I truly love her, because I can’t possibly express it. Maybe one day I’ll figure out how.

Well, wish me luck. I’ve got some exploring to do today, and for the first time in a long, long, long time, I’m excited about it.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

The Beautiful, Wonderful Mess

Every morning, just as my dreams begin to fade and reality takes over, a choice presents itself – a choice on how I’m going to face the day.  Regardless of the dream, whether it was good, bad, erotic, scary, hurtful, funny… no matter – I have a choice of how I’m going to set my pace for the day.

So many mornings over the past couple of years have been met with trembling hands, lumps in my throat, tears running down my cheeks, fear of the unknown, pain of the past, yet mixed with hope for a better day, for a better tomorrow, for love, for joy, for happiness.  Some days are met with those good moments, other days I face more trials and more heartache.  Every day I face me and the woman I was, the woman I choose to be, the woman I want to become.

I wish I could make everything perfect.  I wish I could always make the right choice. I wish I could always find happiness, always pick the right circumstances, and always find the right person.  I’m human and I make mistakes.  I get things wrong… a lot.  Sometimes …sometimes I get it right.

The world is in chaos, yet we’re expected to continue to keep on living, to continue hoping, to survive the pain.  Do you see me?  Do you not know I’m part of this world too?  For those who come into my life, I see you.  I look beyond your body, your words, your masks, and I see you - the beautiful, wonderful mess that you are, because in you - I see me.  I smile at your imperfections and hope you can do the same.

Quit expecting me to be perfect, to have all the answers, to lead you where you need to go.  I will disappoint you and let you down.  Don’t put that burden on me, I can’t carry it, I’m not strong enough.  Just love me as I am, and I’ll do my best to love you just as you are, and maybe together as we struggle to carry ourselves through this life and we won’t have to walk alone.

But if you can’t do that – let me go.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Clarity of Regret

Clarity of Regret

“Just because you do right things, doesn’t mean they’re right.  History determines if you’ve made the right choices, and that great revelation doesn’t come until the end of your life – right before clarity of regret shows you the light.” ~ Titier E. Solano

What I’d like to have right now is clarity of mind.  Have you ever heard something that upon first hearing you felt it had more depth than you currently possessed in order to understand it?  That’s how it was this morning when my friend said the previous words to me.

I consider myself extremely lucky to be surrounded by such wise philosophers.  They’re not all writers, they’re not world famous, but they’re all geniuses and I hold them in the highest regard.  Some respect others for what they can contribute financially, socially, or even emotionally to the world, but I absolutely admire those who possess a great mind, who think beyond the surface, who can touch my soul.  Titles are good.  Ranks are highly respected.  Degrees are admirable.  Introspection and wisdom don’t require any of those things.  

I’ve been moving all week packing boxes, loading boxes, unloading boxes, and then unpacking those same boxes, to either discard or reuse them. I move all those items around and around, looking for the new spot where they now belong.  When I’m doing manual labor, my mind often delves deep within the psyche and I question sometimes even the basics of human truth.  I admire a sexy body, I adore a beautiful smile, but there’s nothing I appreciate more than a clever, wise, and stimulating mind.

A body is just a shell.  It can be changed, manipulated, grow old and wrinkly, or become scarred and damaged.  I could never love someone simply for their flesh.  Yet so much emphasis is put on that outward meat suit. I would say that a majority of our society can’t get passed it, never seeing the beautiful soul beneath it. I sometimes see a beautiful soul long before I see a handsome face.  Perhaps my view is a little different having grown up with disabled parents.  At an early age I was able to see the humanity behind skin and bones – and realize that a person is the soul that wears the flesh, not the flesh itself. It’s a person’s mind and heart that makes decisions, expresses emotions, and to which we truly connect.  Though it is a physical pair of strong arms that I crave and sometimes allow to hold me – the reason it feels so good is because of the soul that chose to wrap those arms around me. I’ve felt the intrusive abuse of an unwanted touch. While I despised the flesh that violated me, it was the soul of my violator I hated most – the source of the choice.

But what of our choices?  Back to the initial quote at the start of this post.  What’s the point of making choices if we don’t know whether those choices are right or wrong until they’ve been proven as such at the end of our life?  If we cannot control the ultimate outcome, why should we then be concerned with our choices at all today?  What seems right today, may at the end of history be proven wrong.  If I can’t truly know, or can’t see the end of it all, why do I sometimes torture myself in worry over making a wrong choice?

You don’t know how many times I’ve let life slip passed me because of indecision – by being too afraid to make a choice. NOTHING happens in indecision.  Fear of mistakes leads to that petrification.  But, I’m learning something very valuable and very liberating – even my mistakes are better than indecision, because even in my mistakes I’m alive, I’m moving, I’m more than just existing.  Mr. Solano responded to my Good Morning World post that ended with ‘I’m at least living’ with, “Many things live …”  I responded, “It’s more than just existing.  To be aware, to move like water in a river is better than stagnation.  It’s purifying and better than a pond – which turns briny, evaporates in the heat, and breeds bitterness.” His response is the quote listed above.  His words stirred my soul this morning.

I learn from mistakes. Yes, my heart has been broken so bad I don’t know if I can ever find all the missing pieces.  It’s left me so marred I’m a pitiful mess full of cracks, and I’ve done the best I can to haphazardly glue myself back together. Not just emotionally, but physically too.  I’ve still got a lot of work to do, but I’ve come a long way.  At times,  I’m so damned scared that another fall will turn these cracked pieces to a fine dust and I’ll just blow away and not a single soul on this earth will care. But being afraid leaves me indecisive.  Indecision leaves me stagnant.  Stagnation slowly kills me.  So what if I make another mistake? So what if I love the wrong person?  So what if I get hurt again?  At least I lived, and moved, and breathed, and felt something.  I’m so afraid to feel because I’ve experienced so much pain.  But, I’m more afraid NOT to feel. Closing off my heart and putting up walls doesn’t protect me… it kills me.   How do I let them down?  I want to blow them up with some dynamite (btw – invented by Alfred Nobel) and carve out a new path of liberation.

I don’t want the clarity of regret to consume me at the end of my life because I filled it with indecisions due to fear, or I sat around and waited for the perfect person or opportunity to come my way.  There is no perfection. What if the imperfect person in front of me is the perfect person for me?  I understand that the things I want may not work out -  that I could lose again, that I’ll fuck up and make a huge mistake, that I’ll get my heart broke again – but at least I’ll also have loved and lived.  Can I walk away and leave everything behind for love?  Yes, I KNOW I can, it’s what I’ve been doing the last couple of years – when the person I fell in love with has been Me.  How much more could I do it for someone else?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Miscommunication

I can’t wait to get back into the woods.  I’m so proud of the trips I’ve made so far this past year (Olympic National Park, Mt. Rainier, Providence Canyon, Cheaha, Chattahoochie Bend, Banning Mills, McIntosh Reserve, Amicalola Falls, Appalachian Trail (7.5 miles), Fort Benning, Red Top Mountain, Sweetwater Creek, Sharp Creek State Park, John Tanner State Park, Lake Carroll, Walker Lake, etc ), and look forward to the trips coming up on my schedule (Cloudland Canyon, Stone Mountain, Grand Canyon, Badlands, Redwoods, Portland, Carlsbad Caverns, 43 more miles of the Appalachian Trail,  . I truly can’t express what being in the woods does for me. I’ve tried to explain it and my love for it, but I find most people don’t really understand what I’m saying, or just dismiss my remarks.  Do they think I just like the sound of my own voice?

Being on a dating site and meeting a bunch of new people, you’d be surprised at how little people really pay attention to what you say and how most of them don’t really know what they even want and like.  I’ve made myself as clear and as plain as I possibly can, but they still don’t listen.  THAT is now become the greatest quality I look for in a man… the ability to listen.  

The second quality is the ability to examine themselves and what they really want and know to be the truth of it. Many times we think we want something in our lives, or even in some cases what we think we don’t want in our lives, mostly because it sounds good or we are trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt.  But what we really like and what we really want … isn’t what we say or dream… but what we do.   Don’t tell me you love hiking and haven’t stepped foot in the forest in nearly a decade.  You’re lying to yourself.  You don’t love hiking, you love the idea of hiking.   

Don’t tell me you love adventure and trying something new when you’ve worked the same routine for the last decade.  You’re just bored.  If you truly loved adventure, your life would be filled with adventure.  It might not be on the scale you hoped or dreamed… but you truly are what you do – not what you think you do. We’re a bunch of liars.

I know about lying to yourself.  I’ve done it for a very long time.  It made me miserable.  I can’t and won’t do it anymore.  I’m really looking for adventure.  I’ve made so many giant leaps that I’m like Superman – able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  I know how to fall too… but even more so – how to get back up.

I really am looking for love, not become an addition or trophy to your boring life.  I’m not boring.  I’m not compatible with boring.  I’m passionate.  I’m bold.  I’m scared shitless (whatever the fuck that means), I take risks.  If I come into your life… your life will never be boring.  

So, what am I saying?  Wake the fuck up and get real with yourselves, people.  Life is too damned short to sleep through it.  All that stuff you’re trying to accumulate because you think it will make you happy is the biggest fucking lie you tell yourself.  Happiness is a state of being.  If you’re not happy with nothing… nothing will ever make you happy.  When I die, I want my tombstone or urn to say, “She lived… she really fucking lived.”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

My Walter Mitty Moments

I've recently had the pleasure of watching the movie, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, and this film has touched my heart in so many ways.  Not because the movie inspired a new thing in me, but because a new thing in me was reflected.  This past year, and even now, I have had many Walter Mitty moments.

What is a Walter Mitty moment, you may ask? It's a moment in a person's life when they go from dreaming of life - to actually living it. 

Here are a few quotes from the movie that absolutely resonate in my heart:

*Stop dreaming.  Star living.

*Beautiful things don't ask for attention.

*To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life. 


Don't misunderstand me, I'm not talking only about moments where everything is wonderful, exciting, new, etc... you know, those milestones we all mark in life as a major achievement?  Some of these Mitty moments are minor, unrecorded, simple, everyday things, but they're still in the realm of the living, not a member of zombieland. 

I've been a dreamer my whole life, always feeling like a spectator, but not a willing participant.  There have been many great moments, right along with many dark moments, but all disconnected moments.  My dreams always seemed more real than my life, as well as my nightmares. I always felt like I waited for something, wondering when it was my time, always waiting for the next wave, the next break, the next lot to fall to me, but they never came. I feared everything. Time frittered by as I went through the motions. I felt the pain and the joy, but was always lost, always searching, always waiting, yearning, wanting. 

But as a butterfly sheds its cocoon, so too have I shed my metamorphic shell.  I have beautiful wings.  I'm flying. The wind brushes my face and I'm soaring through the universe discovering it's beauty, realizing I'm part of it.  It's not easy.  It's not all exciting moments.  Half the time I don't know where I am, or even where I'm going, but I'm flying ...I'm living ...I'm discovering who I am ...I'm loving myself, and my reality is becoming more vibrant than my dreams.

Do I have the answers to the universe or the keys to happiness?  No.  All I know is that what was once gray, is now vibrant; what was once out of reach, now flows through my heart; what was once dead, now lives.

Can I fail?  Yes.  Can I lose?  Yes.  Can I make a mistake?  Yes.  Can I get hurt?  Yes.  But I can also succeed, win, make a great match, fall in love, and be extremely happy.   All I know is I'm going to live as fully as I can as I go through what life I have left.  Living isn't just smiling... it's crying, hoping, fearing, getting excited, being disappointed, dreaming, hoping, taking chances, trying, jumping, being in the moment and just being honest, opening my heart. 

What have done lately?
Where have you been lately?
What have you dreamed lately?
What have  you taken a chance on lately?
Who have you loved lately?
Who have you allowed to love you lately?

Jump.
Jump. Jump.
Open your arms.  Open your heart.  Jump. Live. Fly.

*Also, get this soundtrack ...it's awesome!!!

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

 

The Other Side

Tunnel to Hurricane Ridge - Elwa Falls - Olympia National Park  6/1/2013

I don’t think there’s anything more sad, more pathetic and more gut-wrenching than the dreaded ‘what if’ … what if I went, what if I stayed, what if I said those words, what if I hadn’t, what if I fail, what if I succeed?  Regret – it’s so powerful it can eat through a person’s soul, steal their dreams, lock them into emotional slavery and defeat possible victories. 

However, decisions that are to be made consisting of the dreaded ‘what if’ should be considered and weighed with much thought and careful consideration - because you can fail, you can lose, you can make a wrong decision with just as much possibility of success.  But not knowing the possible results leaves you with a lifetime of regret. 

I am not afraid to fail.  I have spent more time in the dirt on my face from falling than I’d ever like to admit, however, I have very few regrets.  I live my life most often in the motion of chasing something… dreams, an idea, or a passion.   I have succeeded and I have failed.  I have won and I have lost.  I have cried and I have laughed.  Most of all I have lived.  I won’t know what is waiting for me on the other side of another opportunity until I make the choice to grab it and take the steps needed to reach my destination. 

Arriving on the other side is great, but that is not the best part of the experience… it’s the journey “to” the other side where life happens. 

I’m on such a journey now, a transition from one place in my life to another… a sojourner.  The only real choice I have to make every day is whether I’m going to be afraid to move or not move, do or not do… regret or not regret.  

I choose.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Live Your Life - Fuel Your Imagination

Though our minds are always filled with a plethora of colorful characters, and our dreams full of fond adventures, writers are by nature solitary people.  Unguarded, we could easily become hermits, desiring our fictional existence more than our reality.  Though we are people watchers, and most often expertly understand human nature, like all professionals in their field, we usually neglect ourselves – the way a plumber has leaky pipes, a mechanic riding with car trouble, a painter with white walls, or a psychiatrist with dysfunctional relationships. 

If writer dysfunctions could be classified, solidarity would top the list.  Being used to solving problems in our dreams and on the page, we often convince ourselves that we can go it alone, usually the way our heroes do on the page.  However, the greatest heroic stories usually involve someone who’s learned to value and depend on those closest to them in their quests.  While Superman possesses great power, his greatest strength is his character, his integrity and his pursuit for truth, justice and the American way; his humanity.  That power was formed by the people in his life, his parents, his friends and even his enemies.  

I LOVE my imagination, but without my friends and family I wouldn’t have the freedom to enjoy and explore it.  It’s the life I LIVE that truly inspires the world I imagine. 

If you’ve separated yourself into isolation, don’t stay too long.  Get back to your life and to those who love and support you; it’s the best thing you can do for your imagination.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray