Where To From Here?

Have you ever been in one of those transitional states where the past is almost behind you, but you’ve not quite stepped squarely into your future?  I hate that place of transition – but it seems that’s where life is lived – in a moment of transition.

I’ve been here for a while now.  I’m not complaining.  I’m moving. I’m breathing. I’m feeling both anguish and hope, but the key is that I’m feeling.  I’m awake. I’m aware.  I’m not just existing from moment to moment, counting down the days to the weekend, to reach the weekend and have it pass in a haze.

A very close Sergeant  friend of mine seems to live in the day.  I admire that.  I’ve been working hard trying to apply that to my life, to focus only on the here and now and what I can do to make my life better, happier, and more full in the day, in the moment.  The moments I’ve been able to do this have resulted in some very awesome adventures.   But this way of thinking goes against my very nature.  I’m a planner… I like to make lists and count all the costs of time, energy, heart and money before I start anything.  This is how I’ve been taught.  Responsibility, excellence, and accountability were drilled into me so fully that I already had everything figured out before I made the ‘leap of faith’.  (Yes, there was a hint of sarcasm in the oxymoronic example.)

The true Leap of Faith I took when deciding to live my own life – for me – landed me flat on my face. It had me questioning everything I ever thought or believed.  It forced me to look at myself honestly.  Who likes to do that?  The woman reflected back at me broke my heart.  I hated who she had become because she wasn’t herself.  She didn’t know who she was or what she wanted.  She’d spent too much of her life trying to please and take care of everyone else – her god, husband, children, pastors, church, family, job, career, fans, etc.  Only as each of those things were snatched out of her hands (and literally all of them did at one point) did she face the fact she couldn’t save or help anyone until she saved and helped herself.

So, that’s what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been loving me and taking care of myself in every way.  I’m establishing a relationship with myself.  I’m learning my likes, dislikes, fears, hopes, values, ideals, dreams, limits, pleasures, capabilities, weaknesses, sensibilities, desires, etc.  I’m dating myself, and I have to say I really like the woman I’m turning out to be.  I’m crazy, I’m passionate, I’m hungry to live, I’m adventurous, I’m imaginative, I’m sexy, I’m low maintenance but high class, I’m honest, and I’m brave.  I’m often afraid, but I face my fears – especially facing the truth.  I’m compassionate, optimistic – yet stoic and realistic.  As one friend recently told me – I’m a contradiction of contradictory contradiction.  I will stand against a tempest and beat my chest in defiance, yet curl into a ball and wish to close my eyes and drift from existence all in the same day. I love deeply, yet believe I’m unlovable.  I’m not afraid of confrontation.  I hurt honestly.  I’m not always right (oh, boy do I know that) but I’m always wrong – honestly. I can admit my mistakes. I don’t try to hide my failures, embarrassments, or mistakes – but own them and try to learn from them.  I overthink and question everything.  I’m a mess.  But I’m never boring and often quite funny.

So, where to from here?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray