Directions

Directions

Ever had a destination, a goal, an objective, or something that needed to get done or somewhere you needed to be in life?  I can tell you won’t arrive by accident, it won’t happen on its own power, and I still haven’t figured out how to teleport like Harry Potter, so more than likely neither have you. No, the only way we can get to a particular goal/destination is directions.  We need directions. We need a road-map to the destination of our goals. 

I like to think of myself somewhat a gypsy, but that’s only wishful thinking.  I’m strategic, analytical, observant, scientific, and rational.  My free spirit I leave to my painting, but even in that – it’s still organized, planned, and executed.  Okay, I take it back. I’m NOTHING like a gypsy.   

I have goals. If this damned pandemic doesn’t kill me, there’s still a lot of things left that I want to do, and the only way I know how to get them done, the only way that I’ve achieved the goals and destinations before this – was to make a plan and then carefully map out the directions to achieve the end goal. 

So, I think it’s time I start making those plans again.  My problem isn’t that I don’t have any dreams, any plans, any wants, or any destinations, but that I have too many and need to make a decision and narrow them down. 

It’s time.

One of those goals – is get back to this blog. 

Here we go – step one – I blogged today.

Next direction in my goal for blogging – blog tomorrow. 

Until tomorrow,

~T.L. Gray

Where To From Here?

Have you ever been in one of those transitional states where the past is almost behind you, but you’ve not quite stepped squarely into your future?  I hate that place of transition – but it seems that’s where life is lived – in a moment of transition.

I’ve been here for a while now.  I’m not complaining.  I’m moving. I’m breathing. I’m feeling both anguish and hope, but the key is that I’m feeling.  I’m awake. I’m aware.  I’m not just existing from moment to moment, counting down the days to the weekend, to reach the weekend and have it pass in a haze.

A very close Sergeant  friend of mine seems to live in the day.  I admire that.  I’ve been working hard trying to apply that to my life, to focus only on the here and now and what I can do to make my life better, happier, and more full in the day, in the moment.  The moments I’ve been able to do this have resulted in some very awesome adventures.   But this way of thinking goes against my very nature.  I’m a planner… I like to make lists and count all the costs of time, energy, heart and money before I start anything.  This is how I’ve been taught.  Responsibility, excellence, and accountability were drilled into me so fully that I already had everything figured out before I made the ‘leap of faith’.  (Yes, there was a hint of sarcasm in the oxymoronic example.)

The true Leap of Faith I took when deciding to live my own life – for me – landed me flat on my face. It had me questioning everything I ever thought or believed.  It forced me to look at myself honestly.  Who likes to do that?  The woman reflected back at me broke my heart.  I hated who she had become because she wasn’t herself.  She didn’t know who she was or what she wanted.  She’d spent too much of her life trying to please and take care of everyone else – her god, husband, children, pastors, church, family, job, career, fans, etc.  Only as each of those things were snatched out of her hands (and literally all of them did at one point) did she face the fact she couldn’t save or help anyone until she saved and helped herself.

So, that’s what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been loving me and taking care of myself in every way.  I’m establishing a relationship with myself.  I’m learning my likes, dislikes, fears, hopes, values, ideals, dreams, limits, pleasures, capabilities, weaknesses, sensibilities, desires, etc.  I’m dating myself, and I have to say I really like the woman I’m turning out to be.  I’m crazy, I’m passionate, I’m hungry to live, I’m adventurous, I’m imaginative, I’m sexy, I’m low maintenance but high class, I’m honest, and I’m brave.  I’m often afraid, but I face my fears – especially facing the truth.  I’m compassionate, optimistic – yet stoic and realistic.  As one friend recently told me – I’m a contradiction of contradictory contradiction.  I will stand against a tempest and beat my chest in defiance, yet curl into a ball and wish to close my eyes and drift from existence all in the same day. I love deeply, yet believe I’m unlovable.  I’m not afraid of confrontation.  I hurt honestly.  I’m not always right (oh, boy do I know that) but I’m always wrong – honestly. I can admit my mistakes. I don’t try to hide my failures, embarrassments, or mistakes – but own them and try to learn from them.  I overthink and question everything.  I’m a mess.  But I’m never boring and often quite funny.

So, where to from here?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Addictions, Consequences, and Directions

I’ve been reading … well, let me clarify, I’ve been studying …“Finding Your Own North Star” by Martha Beck for some time now.  I’m still only at the beginning, because I don’t move forward until I feel I understand what I’ve already read.

This morning I was reading the chapter on Reconnecting and came across a section about addiction.  In this part she talks about an overachieving guy named Allen who would occasionally embark on an alcoholic binge.  What Beck says in this chapter really resonated with me because it’s a principle I’ve found to be true in my own life over the past couple of years.  When Allen started recognizing that his essential self no longer needed to hijack his behavior, because he started understanding what his social-self needed, he made some very drastic changes in his life, his family, and his job.  Everyone he knew was upset about all the changes, and by all outward appearances it looked like his life was a mess.  But Allen was happy because both parts of him were on the right path, and he no longer found himself binging.  

When I’m doing what I know I was created to do, the work isn’t work to me, it’s just part of what I enjoy.  When situations come into my life that threaten to keep me from doing those things, I get stressed, filled with anxiety, depressed, angry, and sometimes turn to an addictive behavior (not your typical devices – for me it’s pushing the world away and isolating myself to a lethargic state).

I understand this.  But so far I’ve yet to discover how to stop it from happening.  When my basic needs are not met while I’m participating in fulfilling both my essential and social selves and being happy, it forces me to have to seek supplication elsewhere, therefore pulling me away from the path toward my true north star. I then fall into a self-destructive pattern where I can’t sleep and my stress levels shoot to the roof. 

Philosophers, poets, and therapists make it sound like all these dramatic life changes just happen and there are no dire consequences.  They don’t just happen and sometimes the consequences of letting something go costs you more than you can often afford.  Sometimes there are not simple answers and solutions right around the corner. No matter how much you understand the source of a problem, knowing about it doesn’t make life any easier and it isn’t some magic word that puts everything in the proper order.  Sometimes it’s a fight to get where you know you need to be.

Saying you have to do what you have to do, Beck says this is a battle cry from the social self. I understanding taking a stand can cost you.  It’s cost me my livelihood, my marriage, just about all my friends.  She ends with a quote from the Bible about the dangers of gaining the whole world but losing your soul.  Believe me, I’ve put it on the line for that very reason.  I have no regrets of what I’ve put on the line.  

But, what I’d like to know… is how much can one truly lose before they once again make a decision to do what they have to do, even if it takes them off the track to their north star?  There is such a thing of losing it all… having nothing, no one, and nowhere to go.  Just volunteer at any homeless shelter and you’ll see it.  Would you be willing to go that far?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray