Moving Forward... Day 2

The following was my good morning post, but I find that it fits perfectly with my blog series about moving forward, because it’s a crucial step in moving toward a soul free life.  It’s about reminding yourself what’s important, because we live in a world that tries to distract us and sell us an ideal of what our lives are supposed to be. We set up these false expectations in our mind of what we’re supposed to do, how we’re supposed to act, what we’re supposed to obtain to have the life we’re supposed to live, but it’s all bullshit.  It’s a distraction to what’s important, and the true reason there’s so much disappointment in the world.  Disappointment comes from unrealized expectations. 

So, here’s my post. 

Good morning, world. Smile. Take a step. Breathe. Even though it hurts, Smile. Take another step. Breathe. Love.

Love the life you've been given. We only have one. Let go of the stupid, vain ideals that we think we're supposed to have, because they will rob us of the life that is available.

Connecting heart to heart, soul to soul, spirit to spirit, smile to smile, body to body, lips to lips, in those perfect moments when the universe shifts and our internal, eternal, and ethereal eyes and hearts are open and we experience love, real love, even if for just a moment. That is what living is about. Those moments.

We spend the rest of our lives chasing vanities that mean nothing, missing what's truly important filling our minds, hearts, and time with useless shit. When it doesn't satisfy us, we then try to dull the emptiness with vices... sex, alcohol, drugs, obsessions, and addictions. But they too fail.

We are more than body. More than mind. We are souls...spirits...ethereal creatures. Our time here is temporary, but the essence of who we are is existential, beyond this plane of existence.

Love. Love for ourselves. Love for others. Love...soul-to-soul... That's living. It's what we draw from to love our soulmates, love our children, love our friends, love humanity.

If we are empty and our wells are dry, then from what can we draw? Stop the foolishness. Let go of the vanities. Live today, in the day, and love what's real. Leave the bullshit. Get rid of the vampires. Stop playing with things that don't matter. Time continues to move and you don't have long. Stop wasting it on bullshit. Stop listening to your body and mind, and listen to your soul. It's crying out.

Sm. Take a step. Breathe. Love.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Falling in Love... Day 2

 I think about the type of man that I’d like to meet and have in my life. I’m not talking about that long laundry list of wants and requirements like having a job, aspirations, dreams, being kind-hearted, and having a heart that considers the soul and mind above body. No, I’m talking about the whole package, the man in all his complexities. But, before I meet him I think about the partner I’d want him to have. 

When you love someone, you don’t just think about what would be good for you, what would make you happy, what the relationship could and would benefit you.  Love is about thinking and considering your partner’s wants and needs, too.  As amazing as the man I want in my life, I also want be able to offer him an equally amazing woman. 

I was talking to a friend this morning, and he’s had one disastrous relationship after another. He made a statement that he’s so tired of garbage.  I told him if he doesn’t like garbage, he needs to stop digging through the dumpsters hoping to find a masterpiece, and to stop blaming all women for the bad decisions he’s made. I also told him to start being the man he thinks a ‘good’ woman deserves, get his shit together, so that when he does meet a good woman he would have something good to offer her… a good man.

He, of course, went off into a rant about how preposterous it was for women to expect men to take care of them, provide for them, and how women’s rights are the cause of our fucked up society.  It was a lost lesson by that point, but my comments struck a chord in myself.   

That’s the funny thing about me.  Most often my blogs, my musings, my thoughts, my articles, etc… they’re for me more than anyone. It’s a way I communicate with my soul. It’s a way to step outside me and see me in an abstract. 

I also had a conversation with another friend last night.  We talked for hours as he drove back to the Army base in North Carolina. I was just being my excited, rambunctious, over-talkative self.  It felt good. I haven’t really talked to anyone in a long while, not since I lost my best friend and soul mate.  I just bottled up all those millions of thoughts and ideas inside, really afraid to share them with anyone.  You see… all those crazy little thoughts and ideas, so matter wacky they are, are what I consider the BEST part of me. It’s the essence of who I truly am.  It’s more intimate than my body.  It’s more personal than my intellect.  It’s all those quirky weird ideas that makes up who I truly am… and that person I don’t share with just anyone.  THAT person is who is precious to me. Let me tell you a little about her… I’ll call her the nickname my best friend gave me… Jinx. Maybe you and I both will get to see some of the things I love most about her.  This is, after all, my love letter to her.

Jinx has this amazing wild imagination.  She thinks some of the oddest thoughts.  She questions EVERYTHING. I remember this one time she stayed up all night contemplating the idea of black holes and super novas, stars, universes, galaxies, time and space.  She couldn’t sleep.  Her mind just kept exploring existence deeper and deeper and deeper.  Just when the universe couldn’t get any bigger, she zeroed in on herself and saw how small she was in the midst of it all; so insignificant.  A huge knot formed in her throat and she couldn’t breathe.  Who was she? Why was she here? Does she even matter? In 20, 30, 50 years… will anyone even remember she existed? Suddenly, so many things she was so worried about didn’t matter anymore.  Bills, expectations, career, life stuff, none of it mattered.  ALL that mattered was this small, brief, minute moment in space and time, and what she had to offer in that small spec.  Nothing she’s accomplished or failed, nothing she’s gained or lost, nothing she had or wanted meant anything without love. Love is all that mattered.  Love she had for herself. Love she had for her children. Love she had for God. Love she had for humanity.  

Forty-five years… I’ve been in this universe for forty-five years, and what do I have to show for it? I have many achievements, many awards, many successes, yet the only things that really matter is my heart and my ability to love.  This world has been so cruel to me. I have been knocked down so many times, rejected by so many people, and the one thing that’s eluded me… is being loved.  Yet, in spite of it… I choose to love. I’m still that little girl crying in the corner being told she’s not good enough, she’s a mistake, and she’s not wanted. *sigh* I am also that little girl that stood to her feet, balled her little fists so tight, dried the wet tears streaming down her face with her arm, and declared, “NO! I am not a mistake. I am a good girl and I love me!”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

On the Road to MasterChef - Day 2

Well, my crepes turned out better than I could hope for.  After the third crepe hit the hot pan, I was learning to roll it round and produce a golden, paper-thin, delicious piece of art.  It wasn’t long before I had nearly 20 beautiful crepes from my first mix of batter.

I felt really overwhelmed, yet bubbled with excitement. Of course, having a plate full of delicious crepes, I needed something to go in them and on them.  I hadn’t got that far.  I had convinced myself I was going to spend a full weekend making crepes.  But, I found myself ahead of the game. 

I had some fresh raspberries, sugar, butter, and white wine… so I began to mix and stir, over a medium heat.  I worried it would be too tart or just not work, but when I dipped my spoon into that beautiful concoction and tasted it, my eyes nearly rolled back into my head it tasted so good.

But, by this point, I knew I still needed something else.  I had some baker’s chocolate and dropped a couple squares, butter, sugar, and a few tablespoons of water into a small pot, and within a few minutes I had a heavenly molten batch of chocolate. 

It was delicious.  I had to taste it a few times. 

Well, plating is something I’m going to have to practice a bit. For this turn, I decided to roll my crepes after filling them with cream cheese and raspberry glaze, then drizzled them with chocolate, more raspberry glaze, whipped cream and a fresh raspberry.  I thought my plate looked very, very, very yummy.

No good story can be told without a few tears. I cried when I had to toss the five crepes I plated. But couldn’t stop smiling when I brought in a handful to my co-workers.  They loved them, because they didn’t leave a single bite on their plates. I hope none of them are on any diets, because for the next few weeks, they’re going to become my taste testers.

It was a great first try.  I’m so looking forward to how things turn out in the end.

Till next time,

~Crepe Queen