Moving Forward... Day 4

Moving forward has two key elements… moving… and then moving in a particular direction… forward.

So many times, we can get stuck in a moment, a mood, or a state of being. Whether that moment is good or bad, if we stay where we are we will die inside.  Life is fluid.  Constantly moving, constantly ebbing and flowing, our tides come in and go out, and our lives moves forward like the hands on a clock.  Tick-tock, tick-tock.

King Solomon said it best in Ecclesiastes: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”

The key is that our lives are comprised of all these moments.  We can’t be happy, successful, and in love all the time. If we are never sad, fail, and heartbroken we will never appreciate happiness, success and love. We can’t stay in one moment.  We have to keep moving through time, through life.  But, we must be careful and make sure that our direction is forward.  So many of us spend too much time looking backward. We can’t.  We must not.  Looking backward stops our forward motion. That time has passed.  It’s gone.  Grieve it. Let it go.  Look forward and hope for better days.  If it’s a love you can’t let go, think of the love waiting for you up the road. Give yourself time to grieve, but then get your ass up and move… forward. If your life is in shambles and everything crumbling around you… move, start planning the steps you need to take to pull yourself out of the hole, and then take a step forward, even if it’s just a small step.  One step leads to another, to another, to another, to another. Keep moving… and keep moving forward. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Moving Forward... Day 3

The new year is around the corner. I’m so ready to get beyond all the holidays and get back to my adventures, get back to my agenda of moving forward.  Moving forward is not standing still, it’s not planning and contemplating, and hoping and wishing... it’s taking the steps, even tiny steps, to moving forward.  That’s where I am today.  I’m not waiting until next week, with the new year, I’m moving now.

I’ve started my workout. I’m getting out my maps and planning my next lighthouse adventure. I’m making a budget to start putting money away to move. I’m dusting my hands off from all the dirt of pulling myself out of the emotional hole I’ve been living in and I’m moving forward. 

Let the sun shine. Let the adventure come. I’m focused. Let’s go.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Moving Forward... Day 2

The following was my good morning post, but I find that it fits perfectly with my blog series about moving forward, because it’s a crucial step in moving toward a soul free life.  It’s about reminding yourself what’s important, because we live in a world that tries to distract us and sell us an ideal of what our lives are supposed to be. We set up these false expectations in our mind of what we’re supposed to do, how we’re supposed to act, what we’re supposed to obtain to have the life we’re supposed to live, but it’s all bullshit.  It’s a distraction to what’s important, and the true reason there’s so much disappointment in the world.  Disappointment comes from unrealized expectations. 

So, here’s my post. 

Good morning, world. Smile. Take a step. Breathe. Even though it hurts, Smile. Take another step. Breathe. Love.

Love the life you've been given. We only have one. Let go of the stupid, vain ideals that we think we're supposed to have, because they will rob us of the life that is available.

Connecting heart to heart, soul to soul, spirit to spirit, smile to smile, body to body, lips to lips, in those perfect moments when the universe shifts and our internal, eternal, and ethereal eyes and hearts are open and we experience love, real love, even if for just a moment. That is what living is about. Those moments.

We spend the rest of our lives chasing vanities that mean nothing, missing what's truly important filling our minds, hearts, and time with useless shit. When it doesn't satisfy us, we then try to dull the emptiness with vices... sex, alcohol, drugs, obsessions, and addictions. But they too fail.

We are more than body. More than mind. We are souls...spirits...ethereal creatures. Our time here is temporary, but the essence of who we are is existential, beyond this plane of existence.

Love. Love for ourselves. Love for others. Love...soul-to-soul... That's living. It's what we draw from to love our soulmates, love our children, love our friends, love humanity.

If we are empty and our wells are dry, then from what can we draw? Stop the foolishness. Let go of the vanities. Live today, in the day, and love what's real. Leave the bullshit. Get rid of the vampires. Stop playing with things that don't matter. Time continues to move and you don't have long. Stop wasting it on bullshit. Stop listening to your body and mind, and listen to your soul. It's crying out.

Sm. Take a step. Breathe. Love.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Moving Forward... Day One

I’ve often commented that life is fluid, ever-changing, and we are either dying and falling back, or growing and moving forward. That’s in all aspects of life including love, friendships, goals and aspirations, especially when it comes to our dreams. To obtain these aspects we must move forward.  We will never reach our goals dying and going backwards. So, here I am.  Setting my goals before me, putting the pieces I need in place, and mustering the courage and drive to see them to fruition.

To plan the first steps, I must know the main objectives.  What are they?  There aren’t just one, but one for every aspect of my life.  Sometimes we set objectives for different areas of our lives that conflict with other areas, and this is the major cause for our failure.  Over the next couple of weeks, I’m going to try and identify those major objectives and the start planning my first steps.

Practical people tell me that I dream too big. I think they dream too small.  I am the fool that desires to change their stars.  I’ve been told my whole life what I can’t do, and I’ve been proving those proclamations wrong time and time again. Yes, I’ve failed at some of the things I’ve reached for, but at least I reached for them.

A couple of years ago, I thought my life was over, and in that mindset, I let go of many dreams. A couple months ago, I lost a beautiful relationship, and in that mindset, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I’ve grieved… grieved lost dreams, grieved hope of what that relationship could have been, grieved the dreams I had allowed to die, and grieved the love I had the pleasure experience for a short time.  Grief hurts, but most of all it puts you into a stasis.  If you don’t grieve enough, you’ll never fully heal.  If you grieve too much, you can become stuck in that mire and then began to slowly die inside.  There is a time and a season for everything.  Now, is the time to move forward. 

Hang on… it’s going to be one wild ride.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Falling in Love... Day 9

I got angry yesterday. I mean, I got mad as hell. But you know what… it felt good.  Not the bullshit that got me angry, because that really hurt, but the ability to process it, rise above it, and then actually get pissed about it made me feel good.  It still makes me feel good.  Why?  Because that little, stubborn, rebellious, spit-fire inside is wide awake.  She’s got her sword in her hand and she’s not taking any more bullshit. It’s about fucking time!!!!!

I’m an amazing person.  I’ve got so many gifts and talents, skills and knowledge, and I’m strong-willed.  I’m the type of person that when I fall, I may reach up for you, but it’s not for you to pick me up and carry me… it’s just something for me grab hold and pull MYSELF up.  I don’t trust people.  Not that I think they’re not capable, I’ve just discovered that not many are willing, and there sure as hell not many I can depend on. 

I’m fearless. Not that I’m unafraid, because I’m always afraid, terrified really.  But, I still choose to move in the face of fear.  I choose to leap even when I can’t breathe.  I choose to plunge in knowing that it’s going to hurt.  And to be frank, I’m so fucking tired of carrying other people. I’m so tired of hearing the excuses for their negligence and selfishness.  I’m so tired of hoping and believing for the best in others, when they’re too damned lazy to hope and believe in themselves.  I can’t carry anyone, but I’ll be more than happy to hold your hand… as I’m moving.

I’m not without trouble, stresses, problems, and obstacles.  My life is FULL of them.  However, I don’t avoid them, at least not anymore.  I see the issue in front of me and then I start working out a step-by-step plan to get out.  I focus on what I can do, and deal with what I can’t as each of the issues surface. YES, sometimes I lose things I want, opportunities, and possibilities… but I keep moving, I keep fighting, I keep hoping, and I fill my mind and heart with the positive thoughts and ideas that’s going to move me out, get me up, and get me headed in the right direction.  I’m cutting out the negative, separating myself from the doubters and the whiners and complainers.  You all know the type of people I’m talking about… that’s against everything, thinks the worse of everyone, and blames everything in the world for all the problems… except themselves.  That shit is heavy and I’m done with it. 

There’s this one friend, not even my friend, but a friend of a friend, who is always, always, always negative, thinks the worst of everyone, and when their fantasies don’t work out, blame everyone and everything for their failures. I won’t even answer his texts or calls anymore. I just don’t want that bullshit in my life. I don’t fucking care.  I tried to help, I tried to encourage, I tried to show a better way, but they didn’t listen, they never intended to listen, they just wanted to complain, and I’m not a sounding board.  They’ve NEVER once asked ME about anything -  how I was, did I need anything, not even how was my day.  OMG… these emotional vampires.  NOT HAPPENING!!!! I’m cutting all this bullshit out of my life and man, it feels GOOD!

So, in loving myself and realizing I deserve good friends, people who actually care about ME, who care about my day, who care about all the stupid little crazy shit I do all the time, THOSE are the people I will give my time, love, and attention.  All the rest can kiss my ass… because I’m done!!!

I’ve deleted a lot of old contacts… and it felt good. I feel lighter. I’m released from their bullshit. It’s not my job to save the world. I only am responsible to save myself.  You know, I’m an amazing person and if someone can’t see that and value that… they don’t deserve my friendship. I’m a damned good friend. I’m an even better woman.  I have so much love to give and share.  I’m awake. I’m fighting now, and I’m focused, and I love myself very much.  Watch me…  fly.

Till Next Time,

~T.L. Gray

Moving Forward

“Life is fluid, ever-changing, filled with both joy and despair, love and heart-break, it's evolutionary and quite contradictory.”

That’s how I started the essay for my online dating profile. I can honestly say, not many of the men who respond get what I’m saying, but I didn’t expect them to understand. 99.9% are responding to my pictures only and never even bother to read the essay. I’m not complaining because I understand society on a whole and men for the most part. BTW, I read all the essays.

Men are very visual creatures. They will convince themselves how they feel sometimes exclusively based on what they see. They can lie to themselves of their attraction, love, or lack of both depending on their partner’s exterior beauty or flaws. This visual addition is what makes a man overlook his morals and common sense, and in his own lack of confidence and self-esteem, and find himself fawning for a cheap despot and push a beautiful soul into the dreaded friend’s zone.  They honestly desire that beautiful relationship with a soul mate who will respect them, want them, and bring out all the good qualities of being a man, much like they receive from the friend, but they go about it all the wrong way because they try to find those things outward-inward, instead of inward-outward, and end up with a long history of abusive, selfish, and soul-less women. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of women who do the same, but it’s not as common, because the very base instinct of a woman is to nurture and love and see beyond the physical. Well, for most women anyway. There are some women so comfortable with using people because they have that outward beauty, have never had a good solid relationship, they don’t have that natural nurturing character, but that’s from being a selfish vampire. Most women understand a man’s addiction to outward beauty, that’s why many try so hard to fit that ideal or wear the clothes, hair and makeup they do to appeal to a man.  I’ve been there, done that. I’m now at a point of my life that I don’t dress to impress or attract a man, but concerned only with what impresses me.  Could be why I’m still single.

But, that’s not what this article is about.  It’s about being at a point in my life where I’m moving forward. I’ve had some great moments over the last few years.  After my divorce, I started running toward this new life, discovering myself, discovering my hopes, dreams, wants, character, and desires.  Then I ran into a roadblock that knocked me flat on my ass, halted that great forward progression, and pretty much knocked the wind out of me. But, in my darkness, there was a beautiful light that lifted me, helped to inspire me to get up and try again.  Oh, I opened my heart and for a little while… and man, oh man, I flew. I felt happiness, joy, love, passion, and most of all, hope.  I felt the love inside a pair of strong arms and the joy of friendship, companionship, and being able to share a part of myself that I kept inside for so long. But it only lasted for a short time before the difficulties of life interfered and pushed me outside and ripped away that beautiful dream.  And I got the breath knocked out of me again. I still find it difficult to breathe, because of how beautiful that dream was – not the big things, but the little things… the long conversations, the texts throughout the day, the games, the silly moments, the simple laughter… oh, damn.  The part that touched me most and that I realized I missed in my life was those precious moments of being part of a family. I fell in love with that family and will always love them.

I learned a lot about myself and what I want in this life thanks to that experience.  I hate that once again my direction has been changed and another roadblock has forced me to turn again, but that’s life… it’s fluid, ever-changing, filled with joy and despair, love and heart-break, it’s evolutionary and quite contradictory. My only choices are to stay where I am and slowly die or get up and move forward.  So, I move forward.

These last few months, since my birthday I’ve been trying too hard to hold onto broken, shattered pieces, and the only result is a bunch of scars.  I’ve held onto nothing. I’ve washed my cuts, applied ointment, and covered them with band-aids.  I’m healing. At the same time, I’m getting back to myself and picking up many of those things I dropped at my first roadblock, especially my love for adventure.  I’m different. I’m changed. I’m moving like a slow flowing stream. I’ve just fell down the side of one mountain, and now I’m climbing another, but I’m not in a hurry to reach the top.  It’s about the journey on the way.  That’s life. The river, the trail, the wind, the rain, the sun, the clouds, the moon, the stars… that’s life.

For me, that fluidity is in my adventures. Yes, love is also an adventure and I’m trying to keep my broken, crushed, damaged, bleeding heart open for that opportunity, but it’s not my focus.  I’m also not in a hurry.  The world seems to always be in a hurry.  I went sailing yesterday with two men who are just friends I met online, and I can’t express how much being around them was medicine to my bleeding heart. Their friendship is a salve because they expect nothing from me and love and accept me just as I am.  It was so freeing to enjoy the adventure without being on guard. I’ve been on a several dates lately and I have thick armor, because I’m understanding how fluid I am and I feel most of the men I meet have such hard defined ideas of what their looking for in a woman, a lover, a friend, and a mate. While I’m looking for passion, connection, and attraction, I’m so on guard that I bolt at the first inkling of a man that just wants that physical relationship.  I want love.  I don’t feel like I can ever love again, but I will keep myself open to let love in should it happen.  However, at this point in my life, I just want adventure, to be happy, fulfilling some of my dreams, getting back outside and chasing some of those experiences. Some days I’m very lonely and miss the intimacy I had with my last relationship, but I’m finding more and more days being content and breathing a little easier.  I may be alone for the rest of my life, but then again… I may find the love of my life today or tomorrow while I’m out living this fluid life. I’m moving…forward.

It's Time

It’s time. I’ve been putting a majority of my life on hold, refusing to make any major decisions, actually panicking to do so. Not because I’m afraid of change, but because I’ve been grieving, grieving a life that once was and a dream of a life that will never be. This is part of the grieving process I find fascinating. Not in a good way, but as a point of observation and understanding. When we lose someone, or go through a major shift in our lives, we grieve the dreams that died because of the loss or the shift. I had many dreams that I’ve had to let go, and their loss broke my heart.

It’s time. It’s time to finally look at all the broken pieces and start putting them together again. I can’t remake the image that once was, but I can make something new, something beautiful, a new dream. For the longest time I didn’t want to think about a new dream, because I was still hurting over the loss of the old one, but I have to let it go and move forward. That’s how life works. I will die inside if I remain where I’m currently dwelling, because I’m just existing, I’m not living, I’m not dreaming. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to grab another dream, because what if I lose it, too? Can my heart take it? Can my soul bear any more pain? That’s been my fear, still is my fear, but fear cannot stop me. It’s time.

It’s time to pull the covers from the mirrors, to open the doors of adventure, and get back to my life. I had made so many strides forward before the detour of cancer and heartbreak interfered, but it’s time to get back to progress. Pausing causes roadblocks and complications. My life is somewhat a mess because of my inactions, my indecisions, my grieving, but it’s not hopeless. It’s time I quit existing and surviving from day to day to building a better tomorrow, to striving toward new success, new adventures, new opportunities. It’s time to get busy. It’s time to let loose the woman inside me, who for so many times and so many years made shit happen, accomplished amazing feats, and scaled mighty mountains. She’s amazing and the things she can accomplish are absolutely mind-blowing, and I’m glad to see she’s waking up and taking control. I’m so tired of hearing myself say, ‘I used to …” It’s time.

Is everything going to just magically happen, opportunities going to land at my door, miraculous blessings make all my dreams come true, love come walking through the door to sweep me off my feet? Not in my experience. No, the journey is just beginning, and every success I’ve ever enjoyed required hard work, determination, drive, energy, focus and sacrifice. It’s hard. It’s always been hard. But, it’s time.

The dreams I once had are dead; they’re gone. It’s time I start dreaming new ones. I don’t care what I used to do, what I’ve done, or what I’ve once achieved …I’m a new person. That person I used to be died along with the cancer that invaded my body and the ache that attacked my heart. Those dreams, relationships and aspirations died too. Will I do similar things I did in the past? Will I be a badass, a writer, an entrepreneur, a lover, an explorer, an agent, a gourmet cook, a fitness guru, a motivational speaker, a wife, a leader, a volunteer, etc.? I don’t know, maybe some, maybe none, but it’s time I start dreaming, and whoever I become – she’s going to be beautiful and amazing.

It’s time… it’s time to live. I’m turning 44 this week. I’m starting my life all over again. Watch out, because it’s going to be amazing.

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

Cycling Trivialities

My post this morning is inspired by Jose Gonzalez’ song “Cycling Trivialities”.  You can listen to it here on YouTube… http://youtu.be/RknUh1LapJs?list=AL94UKMTqg-9COSk53zABGSE2rVRux8vJn


How often do we spend our lives chasing things over and over in a vicious cycle that has no meaning, that bring nothing into our lives? Insignificance is what steals our joy.  But I have to be careful to not discard those things, those hard things, or even those simple things, that have filled my life with meaning.  On the surface they may have seemed insignificant, but often held the most importance of all.

I can’t get a quote out of my head that my friend, Sergeant Solano, wrote to me last week.  “Just because you do the right things, doesn’t mean you’re right.  History determines if you made the right choices, and that great revelation doesn’t come until the end of your life, right before the clarity of regret shows you the light.”

I’m turning 43 this week.  It’s not a big deal.  I’m not one of those women who shy away from their age.  Probably because I feel and look younger, which is also probably why most of my dates tend to be younger than me, too. I suppose I’m just too energetic, too active, with a sense of too much to do for some older man ready to retire and relax.  I’ve just got started.

The only thing that makes me apprehensive about my age is knowing the clock is ticking down.  I’ve watched 43 years move by me and I’ve done some great and terrible things. I’ve experienced joy and pain. I’ve witnessed horror and beauty.  I’ve loved and lost.  I’ve laughed and cried.  I’ve lived and died.  All of it has made me who I am.

Could I have made better choices?  Sure.  Looking back we can always see where we could have changed our lives, but that’s not how life works.  Those bad choices, or bad circumstances, helped make me who I am. I have very few regrets, because I know I’ve mostly lived my life honestly, being me.  Fearing bad choices keeps us from making any choice.  I can’t live like that – no one can. That’s not living… that’s going around and around in a cycling triviality… and it’s stealing our lives. If I could tell my 23 or 33 year old self what I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.  But then again, I wouldn’t be me.

There are some choices I would love to make, but they’re are not up to me.  They involve other people and their free will.  I can’t make someone else love me, choose me, or want me. If I could, I’d make the whole world love me.  I was loved once, but couldn’t see it because I was busy looking for a dream, a fantasy, an idea - I was searching for a feeling, a magical knowing, chasing a cycling triviality. I couldn't recognize the real thing right in front of me.

We fool ourselves into thinking we know what we want and create this image of perfection in our minds, and quickly dismiss anything that doesn’t fit that fantasy.  I got to see real love in front of me in the face of a determined soldier, got to feel the completeness of that love for two whole days, and then he was taken from me. But, even that taught me something very important.  The best way I could honor that love is to see myself the way my lost soldier saw me, to love myself with that unwavering love.  The way he loved me, never giving up, is the way I choose to love.  I think that if he could see me now he’d be so proud of the way I pulled myself out of that darkness and am now putting myself out there.  He’d want me to find another love.  Perhaps he will be the one to send him my way.

What have I truly learned from my own cycling trivialities? Outward beauty fades, bodies get old, faces get wrinkled, and no one is perfect.  Sex is great but has little to do with love.  The best things in life are when you touch a soul, stimulate the mind, laugh, see the world with peculiar eyes, notice the light in someone, and understand they’re more than a name, a face - that they matter, that you matter.  That’s really all that is important.  Everything else can be worked out.   How many divorces or failed relationships do we have to experience before we stop the insanity of looking for the same thing over and over and over, yet expecting it all to work out differently? Cycling Trivialities.  Let history determine that you lived honestly, openly, and took the biggest gamble of all – to love and be loved.

Lyrics:

Too blind to know your best.
Hurrying through the forks without regrets.
Different now, every step feels like a mile.
All the lights seem to flash and pass you by.

So how's it gonna be.
When it all comes down you're cycling trivialities.

Don't know which way to turn.
Every trifle becoming big concerns.
All this time you were chasing dreams,
without knowing what you wanted them to mean.

So how's it gonna be.
When it all comes down you're cycling trivialities.
So how's it gonna be.
When it all comes down you're cycling trivialities.

Who cares in a hundred years from now.
All the small steps, all your shitty clouds.
Who cares in a hundred years from now.
Who'll remember all the players.
Who'll remember all the clowns.

So how's it gonna be.
When it all comes down you're cycling trivialities.

So what does this really mean.
When it all comes down you're cycling trivialities.
Cycling trivialities.
Cycling trivialities



Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Moving Forward, Leaving Behind

We all go through phases in our lives.  Most of mine have consisted of a seasons that moved forward.  I didn’t have time to go any other direction.  There were other people depending me, so I dug in and did what had to be done for them.  Where I went wrong – I should have taken the same consideration for myself.

This time last year I found myself, for the first time, alone and where no one needed me anymore, therefore the reason for my forward motion vanished.  It seems like it instantly popped out of existence, but I now realize it had been a gradual fade over the past few years.

What happened – I entered into an identity crisis.  I didn’t know who I was because I had always identified myself by how I was needed.  Over the next twelve months I experienced joy and pain, confusion and clarity as I learned to identify who I was, what I wanted, and what was I supposed to do now.

I found myself in an atmosphere that allowed, hell - it encouraged, procrastination.  I got no serious writing accomplished, but I learned some new writing techniques.  I met and jumped right into helping other writers realize their dream, while putting my own on hold. This place of procrastination allowed me to help as I healed. But, it’s no longer useful to me, only a hindrance and a place of frustration. It needed me.  I no longer needed it.

I know who I am now. I know what I want. It’s time to get busy.  So, today - I walked away from that place offering its deceptive Lotus flowers made to keep me in a state of suspension.  I’m back moving forward.  The time has come to knock the dust off the bottom of my shoes and move forward.  I’m leaving behind anything that slows or hinders my forward motion.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray