On a New Road

I honestly never thought I’d be here – on this road that I’ve found myself meandering. I doubt often, keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, keep waiting for someone to tell me that I’m dreaming and none of this is for real that I’ve somehow made it all up in my head.  But that bad news never comes and I keep moving down this road.

Is it love? Yes, love is involved, but it’s so much more than that, so much deeper than that concept. I can love, have loved the unlovable, have had unrequited love, have lost love, and I’ve had some pretty fucked up kind of love when it comes to family.  No, love isn’t the issue.  I have no question that I’m in love – I just question the kind of love I’m feeling – because it’s all of them.

Honestly, for the second time in my life I don’t love ‘in spite of’ something, or for some circumstance. I don’t love out of obligation or passion or loneliness. Yes, we have passion, but we’re free. No, this love is deeper than passion because it instills peace and hope.  I don’t want to change anything about him or about us, yet being with him instills change in us both.  He doesn’t make me feel like I am not good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or not badass enough, or from the wrong side of the tracks, or too good, too smart, too awkward – yet at the same time when I’m with him I feel beautiful, and smart, and badass, and more than enough, and silly, and safe.  It’s not in the words he says to me, because he doesn’t tell me senseless words – or colorful words to try and make me feel better. He doesn’t stroke my ego.  He often just tells me like it is, even if it’s something I don’t want to hear. Most of all, when I’m with him I feel safe, relaxed, and free to be me – all of me, the woman that doesn’t have to try so hard to always be perfect. I can be my silly self.  I talk his freakin’ ears off because I don’t feel inhibited in any way when I’m talking to him, or when I’m around him, nor do I feel judged.

He knows my darkest secrets, my greatest fears, my worst flaws …and yet he stays and looks at me the same way he did when he had only heard the great things about me. He doesn’t try to change the way I feel, the way I believe, the way I look at the world. He doesn’t tell me I’m wrong or stupid when he disagrees with me. Oh, he’s not perfect – I see him too – and all his flaws and I still think he’s beautiful. I love looking in his eyes, because I see a deep soul – with lots of wounds, lots of scars, lots of wear and tear, a lot of character, and many dark stories – but beautiful nonetheless. I see a caring heart, a nurturing soul, a warrior. I believe he would die or kill to protect me, to keep me from harm without a second of hesitation or concern for himself.  Honestly, I’ve never felt that before. I’ve always felt I had to protect myself or do the protecting.

How has that happened? Where did he come from? I wasn’t ready to meet him but I’m really glad I did. So, yeah – I’m in love and it scares the hell out of me. But if you know me – I face the things that scare me – and I’ll face this too.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Falling in Love... Day 9

I got angry yesterday. I mean, I got mad as hell. But you know what… it felt good.  Not the bullshit that got me angry, because that really hurt, but the ability to process it, rise above it, and then actually get pissed about it made me feel good.  It still makes me feel good.  Why?  Because that little, stubborn, rebellious, spit-fire inside is wide awake.  She’s got her sword in her hand and she’s not taking any more bullshit. It’s about fucking time!!!!!

I’m an amazing person.  I’ve got so many gifts and talents, skills and knowledge, and I’m strong-willed.  I’m the type of person that when I fall, I may reach up for you, but it’s not for you to pick me up and carry me… it’s just something for me grab hold and pull MYSELF up.  I don’t trust people.  Not that I think they’re not capable, I’ve just discovered that not many are willing, and there sure as hell not many I can depend on. 

I’m fearless. Not that I’m unafraid, because I’m always afraid, terrified really.  But, I still choose to move in the face of fear.  I choose to leap even when I can’t breathe.  I choose to plunge in knowing that it’s going to hurt.  And to be frank, I’m so fucking tired of carrying other people. I’m so tired of hearing the excuses for their negligence and selfishness.  I’m so tired of hoping and believing for the best in others, when they’re too damned lazy to hope and believe in themselves.  I can’t carry anyone, but I’ll be more than happy to hold your hand… as I’m moving.

I’m not without trouble, stresses, problems, and obstacles.  My life is FULL of them.  However, I don’t avoid them, at least not anymore.  I see the issue in front of me and then I start working out a step-by-step plan to get out.  I focus on what I can do, and deal with what I can’t as each of the issues surface. YES, sometimes I lose things I want, opportunities, and possibilities… but I keep moving, I keep fighting, I keep hoping, and I fill my mind and heart with the positive thoughts and ideas that’s going to move me out, get me up, and get me headed in the right direction.  I’m cutting out the negative, separating myself from the doubters and the whiners and complainers.  You all know the type of people I’m talking about… that’s against everything, thinks the worse of everyone, and blames everything in the world for all the problems… except themselves.  That shit is heavy and I’m done with it. 

There’s this one friend, not even my friend, but a friend of a friend, who is always, always, always negative, thinks the worst of everyone, and when their fantasies don’t work out, blame everyone and everything for their failures. I won’t even answer his texts or calls anymore. I just don’t want that bullshit in my life. I don’t fucking care.  I tried to help, I tried to encourage, I tried to show a better way, but they didn’t listen, they never intended to listen, they just wanted to complain, and I’m not a sounding board.  They’ve NEVER once asked ME about anything -  how I was, did I need anything, not even how was my day.  OMG… these emotional vampires.  NOT HAPPENING!!!! I’m cutting all this bullshit out of my life and man, it feels GOOD!

So, in loving myself and realizing I deserve good friends, people who actually care about ME, who care about my day, who care about all the stupid little crazy shit I do all the time, THOSE are the people I will give my time, love, and attention.  All the rest can kiss my ass… because I’m done!!!

I’ve deleted a lot of old contacts… and it felt good. I feel lighter. I’m released from their bullshit. It’s not my job to save the world. I only am responsible to save myself.  You know, I’m an amazing person and if someone can’t see that and value that… they don’t deserve my friendship. I’m a damned good friend. I’m an even better woman.  I have so much love to give and share.  I’m awake. I’m fighting now, and I’m focused, and I love myself very much.  Watch me…  fly.

Till Next Time,

~T.L. Gray

Falling in Love... Day 8

This was a post from a group called Wild Woman Sisterhood, and it encompasses my soul. THIS is what I’ve come to see in myself.  This is what fuels my love for myself, and the love I have for others. I am a deep woman.  I’m learning more and more why the relationships of my past have never worked.  Even now, when I meet or am introduced to a new man, I first consider the woman that I am and THEN determine if he would be able to keep up with me, to be able to dive into the depths.  It’s not fair for invest any portion of my heart to a man incapable of filling the depths of it.  A shallow man, a stupid man, a simple man, a lazy man, an uncommitted man that can’t swim or fly would never do.

I am a deep woman and I love that about myself.

Listen to the wisdom of the wild woman…

The deeper you are, the harder it becomes for you to find someone who wants to have a relationships with you. You can go out on a lot of dates but at some point the relationship fails to progress any further and that is mainly because of the intensity of your depth. Not every man is strong enough to handle a deep woman. Here’s why:

 1. A deep woman asks deep questions. A deep woman will dive further into your life and ask questions that you may not be prepared to answer. Even on the first date, she will dig deeper and ask personal and philosophical questions –she will never enjoy a shallow conversation.

2. A deep woman is honest. Too honest –often blunt. A deep woman takes her integrity seriously and one thing she believes in is honesty. If you ask her anything, she will tell you the truth and she expects the same from you.

3. A deep woman knows what she wants. Or who she wants. A deep woman knows right away if she likes you and doesn’t need to date around or explore her other options to be sure of her feelings. Her heart only beats for a special few people and she knows them right away.

4. A deep woman wants a deep relationship. She wants long conversations about your life, she wants to hear stories about your past, she wants to understand your pain and she wants to add value to your life. She wants a real relationship that goes beyond going out and having fun.

5. A deep woman is not afraid of intimacy. She is not afraid of getting closer or risking getting hurt in the process. She doesn’t think it will entrap her freedom or make her vulnerable. Her depth and intimacy go hand in hand and she will always cherish the beauty of intimacy in relationships.

6. A deep woman sees through you. She can see who you really are and what makes you vulnerable. She is not the one to hold back from pointing out what she sees in you or how well she can read you. Even though it makes you uncomfortable, she wants you to know that she understands you and that you can be yourself around her.

7. A deep woman craves consistency. She gets turned off by inconsistency or flaky behavior. She desires a strong connection and a solid bond and she knows that consistency is the foundation of that bond. A deep woman will not participate in the dating games.

8. A deep woman is intense. She may be slightly intimidating because she brings intensity to everything she does. Her emotions are intense and so are her thoughts. She will never be indifferent about things that matter to her – not everyone is strong enough to handle her intensity.

9. A deep woman only knows how to love deeply. If you can’t love her deeply, she will walk away. She doesn’t know how to casually date someone she’s really into or be friends with someone she has feelings for. A deep woman knows when someone can’t meet her halfway and she will slowly detach herself from anyone who is not willing to give her the deep love she is looking for.

10. A deep woman won’t wait for you. She will not wait for you to make up your mind or watch you be hesitant about her. She is strong and passionate and will not waste her emotions on someone who doesn’t appreciate their depth. Even though she is looking for a special kind of love, a deep woman is not afraid of being on her own.

–Rania Naim

Till next time,

T.L. Gray

Falling in Love... Day 7

Sometimes, as men, women… humans, we can be terribly blind.  We are often so busy in life, looking ahead, looking behind, looking all around us to be in the present, and yet still be ignorant to what is standing right in front of us.  It’s not because we can’t see, it’s most often because we’ve created this ideal in our minds of what we’re supposed to see, that we miss the reality, or better yet, the potential. 

Hindsight is a bitch.  She’s that nasty, arrogant know-it-all that shouts, “I told you so.”  I despise her.  I work so hard every day to not let her get a leg up on me, but I often fail.  It seems the more I try to open my eyes, the more I miss.

Life is so fluid.  People come and go, some are only around for a small flash of time, while others who’ve gone before stop by, come right in without knocking, and kick their feet up.  We deceive ourselves into thinking we can control the flow, but that’s another lie we tell ourselves.  We even wrap those lies in commitments, promises, vows, and contracts, but all can and are often broken, because life isn’t something we can control.  We can’t promise tomorrow, because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and doesn’t belong to us. We can’t make people stay, love us, fight for us, or even remember the promises they’ve made to us… or the promises we’ve made to others.  We can only determine how we respond to the changes as they happen.

Today is a sad and happy day for me.  One friend is leaving today, and it breaks my heart something terrible. He was a source of comfort for me at work, yet life changes. I wish him a lot of luck in his adventures, and hope the best for him. I’m also happy today because a boat load of my crazy writer friends suddenly showed up out of the blue.  Though we haven’t really gathered together in a very, very long time, the chemistry is still there and it’s like we never left.  I’m so excited to have them back in my life again.  They were such an inspiration to me.   

I’m sure there’s a reason my Insomniac friends have popped up lately.  I’m learning there’s a time and season for everything.  I’ve been avoiding my greatest gift for the longest season, but I know it’s time to get back to it.  There are no coincidences.  It’s not an accident that the last couple of weeks, I’ve been contacted by different members of this group in various ways.  I’m not the same person I was. Life has changed me, but it didn’t change my gift.  I recently removed “author” from my profile because I felt like such a failure for neglecting my gift for so long.  I felt I let my fans down because I allowed the heartaches of my life to keep me from releasing my work.  I felt I let my friends down by running away. Yet, here they are… as if it were yesterday.

There is was right in front of me all along.  I didn’t realize I felt all this disappointment in myself. I thought my writing was suffering because of space.  True, lack of space hampers, but I used to write anywhere.  I was blind.  In my quest of falling in love with myself, I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this part of my life, but this is a very big part of who I am.  I am a writer. I am a scribe. I am silver-tongue. I am a record keeper. I am a steward of imagination and creativity.  I must forgive myself for my neglect.  My imagination and writing gift was, is, and will always be my first love.

I have no idea what tomorrow holds. I cannot control life, love, or time.  But, I can choose to decide to love myself, and love the gifts I have been given.  We are to value the things we love.  Just as we value the people we love in our lives, how we consider their needs and do what me must to meet those needs, so is the same for every part of us.  To love myself completely, I have to love all parts of me.  Believe me, there are many parts.  Many, many parts.  I may not be ‘hard to carry’ (btw – I misquoted my friend yesterday.  He didn’t say I was hard to carry (that’s what I heard), he said I was hard to keep up with, that someone with my level of ambition would be hard to keep up with unless my partner had a similar level of ambition for themselves.  That while that enthusiasm is attractive at the beginning to any many, unless they were my equal, they would struggle to keep up with me and I’d have to carry them.  In other words, I’m too much for the average guy- he’s going to have to be strong and something extraordinary – my superman), but I’m great at flying.   

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Falling in Love... Day 6

I had one of the best weekends, spending it with the people I love most… well, most of them anyway. I also set out to check off a couple more of those adventure goals I’ve been working toward.  My current quest is to find, explore, and take pictures of all the lighthouses in Florida.  Being a peninsula, surrounded mostly by shoreline, I’m thinking this adventure will take me a while to complete. I now have a new adventure in the planning stage of sailing to the Dry Tortugas for a couple weeks.

The reason I set up these adventures for myself is because I neglected me for so long, putting everyone else’s needs and wants before mine. I was a big sister, a parent, and a wife.  It’s what we do. Now, I’m not really any of those things and have been so lost, like a ship without a compass.  It took me a while to even discover what I liked to eat, what made me happy, what makes my soul sing.  Many of the things I’ve discovered are things I’ve always liked, but there are many new things I didn’t even know existed for me. I didn’t know me, but I’m learning more and more about me every day, and I love the woman I’m discovering.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine recently, and while I know his words were meant as a compliment and in no way pointed at me in accusation, they still hurt very much.  I was told that I was very smart, inspiring, radiant with positivity, a beautiful soul, unique, strong, independent and someone they very much want to be friends with and have in their life, because they want to develop those virtues for themselves.  He told me these qualities are what make me very attractive …at first… but.  There’s always a ‘but’.  Even though this was coming from a friend and not a date, I still felt my walls cave in and heaviness fall, causing that familiar huge knot to form in my throat. BUT… he said, this also made me hard to carry.  Every conversation from every failed relationship I’ve had where I was told how much I was loved, but… came crashing in on me.  All my exes still love, respect and admire me.  All of them.  Yet they are weak and none strong or brave enough to choose me, to love me.

I don’t need to be carried. I don’t need to be saved.  I just wanted to be loved. Am I supposed to dumb myself down, act like I can’t take care of myself, be cruel and selfish so that a man can feel comfortable enough to love me? As much as ideologically this sounds ridiculous, I believe it’s true.  I see it evidenced every day in society and have felt the pain of it in my own life.  I won’t change who I am, even if this means I’ll always be alone.  I would rather be proud of myself and of the beautiful soul I am, than lose that part of myself because a man isn’t strong enough to stand with me, to let me love them, and have courage enough to love me back.  A weak coward has no room next to me.    

So, if loving me is so hard to carry for a man, then they don’t deserve me.  I want a strong man, a man that will love me just as fiercely and I will love them, who will fight for me just as strong as I would fight for them, who would believe in me as much as I would believe in them. So yes, a shallow man only interested in a pretty face or a pretty body will NEVER be happy with me.  A weak man who is so insecure he needs a weak woman to make him feel strong, would NEVER be happy with me.  A coward too afraid to touch the sun, doesn’t deserve to bask in its light.  When I love, I love with a love that’s real, deep and true… not superficial, not shallow, not vain… and so only a man that knows how to love with real love will ever do. I will not make apologies for that. While all men think they possess this kind of courage, strength and power… I’m learning very few ever do.

Bottom line – I choose to love myself because I know I’m strong enough and the love I have for me is unashamed, deep, real and never hard to carry.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Falling in Love... Day 4

When I speak of passion, I speak of it from my own perspective.  We all sometimes call the same thing by a common name, but that single thing means something different to each of us, depending on who we are, and what we’re made of, and what we’ve been forged from.  For me -  I’m fire, I’m Leo, I’m artist, I’m goddess … and passion burns in the marrow of my bones, and extends through the thinnest of my split ends, reaching out around me and touching all within proximity.  Passion burns, and cools, and flies, and cries, and hurts, and empowers, and weakens within and through me, and from me.

My passion has caused me so much trouble and excitement in my life. It has saved me, given me strength, weakened me, and led to the greatest of my pain.  It is my biggest ally, and my greatest enemy. But I have made peace with my passion.  Not in the sense that I can control it. Only a fool believes they can control the passion within them.  I know. I deceived myself into thinking I’ve controlled it all my life.  I controlled nothing.

I’ve learned to love my passion, respect it.  I’m learning to listen to it.  Passion gives me the strength to fight, to defend, to hope, to love, to encourage, to dream, to fear, to want, and to desire. Life sucks sometimes, and there have been moments when the pain was too much to bear, so heavy I couldn’t breathe. When those moments come and the Pied Piper begins to play his melancholy song enticing me deeper into the darkness, a flicker of passion ignites within me to fight.  Passion is the root to all my gifts, even this one… to write.  Passion is my true muse, my inspiration.  God has given me great passion. 

I love the passion within me.  I hate the passion within me sometimes, because it’s heavy and in those moments when the pain comes, it’s because of my fire, my passion, that increases that pain.  I feel everything in magnification… the good and the bad.  When I love… my love is so deep, filled with so much fire. But so is my pain. I live life… a life on fire… a life of burning flames… flickering hot.  Feed it and it will grow, it will spread, it will consume… starve it and it will wane… but it will never go out.   Just the lightest of breath, the smallest of air, a flicker… and the flame will rise again.

I’ve realized I need air… air to breathe, air to fly, air to fan my flames.  This Leo, this goddess of fire needs her god of air, earth, and water.  All three in opposition can hurt her, starve her, dampen her, or put her out… but in conjunction with her, not in an attempt to control her, but as her partner… he will set her ablaze.

I love this about me.  I love that I’m passionate. I love that I’m alive and live out loud, not in secret, not hidden, not afraid to jump.  Yes, I fall. Yes, I burn. Yes, I get hurt. Yes, I fail. Yes, I lose.  BUT I am alive. I am free.  I am raw.  I am not ashamed. I am not passion.  Not everyone can handle that truth, and that’s okay.  I love me just the way I am.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Falling in Love... Day 3

I had a completely different message I wanted to write this morning, but after receiving another phone call listening to the train wreck of a guy playing manipulative mind games with his ex-girlfriend, him reading me his texts filled with passive-aggressive bullshit, making a bad situation worse because he’s reacting during the height of emotion instead of sitting back and reacting with sense, reminds me more of the type of person I want to be, especially when it comes to my relationships.

I’m a passionate person.  I react with passion, in passion, and for passion.  I don’t always react at the right time, the right way, often resulting in the opposite of what I had hoped.  LOL!  But, I’ve matured a lot over the years.  Wow, I used to be so stubborn. I used to be so stupid. I used to be so selfish.  It was always about what I wanted, how I felt, and what I thought was right, and I wanted it in my time, when I didn’t really know shit.  But listening to this man making huge mistakes in his eagerness to save what he thinks is love, makes me smile.  Not at his distress, but at the knowledge that I know I’ve grown beyond the pettiness.  I’ve grown well beyond those shallow waters.  I’ll never have his problems, only because I know that I would never accept anything but the deepest of love.  Other side of that coin is that I may only find that kind of love within myself.

There was a piece of advice I gave this man that smacked me right in my own face.  Usually, just like with this blog and many of the things I write, most of the things I say and do are for ME more than anyone else.  I may have said them to him, and I doubt he even heard a word of what I was saying, but I heard it and it stung… ouch.  This is what I told him.  “We have to stop from responding to things in the height of our emotion, because it only makes things worse when we don’t receive the response we’ve already imagined we’d get in our minds.  People are individuals and they respond to things in their own way, not the way we think they should, or expect them to, or even according to what we think is the right answer.”

When someone responds to us in their own way, through their own filter of experiences and triggers, we are often stunned, surprised, and confused because it almost never turns out how we have already imagined.  Come on, admit it, how many times have you had an argument or discussion in your mind with someone about something that upset you, but… when you went to talk about it, it came out so much different? It’s called foot-mouth disease. I have a bad case of it.

Communication is the key to any relationship, friendship, soul-mates, co-workers, family, etc.  All relationships are built or torn down due to the level of effective communication.  Don’t get me wrong, communication alone can’t save a relationship, but it will help with understanding and being able to determine when to fight and when to walk away. It’s about integrity.  So, getting to the love letter to myself, I am very proud of the way I communicate with the people I love, but mostly with the way I communicate with myself.

So, for Jinx… I love the way she listens, and then tries her best to understand. Believe me, she doesn’t always understand, but she tries.  I love the way she gives the benefit of the doubt, and isn’t quick to jump to conclusions and always dwells on the worse. She truly encompasses the message in the Lady Gaga song, Million Reasons – “I bow down to pray, I try to make the worse seem better. Lord, show me the way, to break this worn-out leather. I’ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away, but Baby I just need one good one to stay.”  Her mind thinks a million thoughts about everything and it drives her crazy, is the foundation to much of her anxiety and stress, and the master of her fears. But, I love, love, love the fact that she is quick to apologize, quick to admit her mistakes, quick to make amends when she realizes her fallacy, and doesn’t give up until she makes it right.  She owns her weaknesses and that has become one of her greatest strengths, and I love her very much for it.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Falling in Love... Day 2

 I think about the type of man that I’d like to meet and have in my life. I’m not talking about that long laundry list of wants and requirements like having a job, aspirations, dreams, being kind-hearted, and having a heart that considers the soul and mind above body. No, I’m talking about the whole package, the man in all his complexities. But, before I meet him I think about the partner I’d want him to have. 

When you love someone, you don’t just think about what would be good for you, what would make you happy, what the relationship could and would benefit you.  Love is about thinking and considering your partner’s wants and needs, too.  As amazing as the man I want in my life, I also want be able to offer him an equally amazing woman. 

I was talking to a friend this morning, and he’s had one disastrous relationship after another. He made a statement that he’s so tired of garbage.  I told him if he doesn’t like garbage, he needs to stop digging through the dumpsters hoping to find a masterpiece, and to stop blaming all women for the bad decisions he’s made. I also told him to start being the man he thinks a ‘good’ woman deserves, get his shit together, so that when he does meet a good woman he would have something good to offer her… a good man.

He, of course, went off into a rant about how preposterous it was for women to expect men to take care of them, provide for them, and how women’s rights are the cause of our fucked up society.  It was a lost lesson by that point, but my comments struck a chord in myself.   

That’s the funny thing about me.  Most often my blogs, my musings, my thoughts, my articles, etc… they’re for me more than anyone. It’s a way I communicate with my soul. It’s a way to step outside me and see me in an abstract. 

I also had a conversation with another friend last night.  We talked for hours as he drove back to the Army base in North Carolina. I was just being my excited, rambunctious, over-talkative self.  It felt good. I haven’t really talked to anyone in a long while, not since I lost my best friend and soul mate.  I just bottled up all those millions of thoughts and ideas inside, really afraid to share them with anyone.  You see… all those crazy little thoughts and ideas, so matter wacky they are, are what I consider the BEST part of me. It’s the essence of who I truly am.  It’s more intimate than my body.  It’s more personal than my intellect.  It’s all those quirky weird ideas that makes up who I truly am… and that person I don’t share with just anyone.  THAT person is who is precious to me. Let me tell you a little about her… I’ll call her the nickname my best friend gave me… Jinx. Maybe you and I both will get to see some of the things I love most about her.  This is, after all, my love letter to her.

Jinx has this amazing wild imagination.  She thinks some of the oddest thoughts.  She questions EVERYTHING. I remember this one time she stayed up all night contemplating the idea of black holes and super novas, stars, universes, galaxies, time and space.  She couldn’t sleep.  Her mind just kept exploring existence deeper and deeper and deeper.  Just when the universe couldn’t get any bigger, she zeroed in on herself and saw how small she was in the midst of it all; so insignificant.  A huge knot formed in her throat and she couldn’t breathe.  Who was she? Why was she here? Does she even matter? In 20, 30, 50 years… will anyone even remember she existed? Suddenly, so many things she was so worried about didn’t matter anymore.  Bills, expectations, career, life stuff, none of it mattered.  ALL that mattered was this small, brief, minute moment in space and time, and what she had to offer in that small spec.  Nothing she’s accomplished or failed, nothing she’s gained or lost, nothing she had or wanted meant anything without love. Love is all that mattered.  Love she had for herself. Love she had for her children. Love she had for God. Love she had for humanity.  

Forty-five years… I’ve been in this universe for forty-five years, and what do I have to show for it? I have many achievements, many awards, many successes, yet the only things that really matter is my heart and my ability to love.  This world has been so cruel to me. I have been knocked down so many times, rejected by so many people, and the one thing that’s eluded me… is being loved.  Yet, in spite of it… I choose to love. I’m still that little girl crying in the corner being told she’s not good enough, she’s a mistake, and she’s not wanted. *sigh* I am also that little girl that stood to her feet, balled her little fists so tight, dried the wet tears streaming down her face with her arm, and declared, “NO! I am not a mistake. I am a good girl and I love me!”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Falling in Love... Day One

I’m on a quest.  It’s the greatest quest of all. It’s one I’ve accomplished before, and one I know I can and will accomplish again.  I want to fall in love.  I want to be excited about life, thrilled about all the great possibilities that lay ahead for me every day.  I want to see the beauty in everything around me because I’m looking through eyes of beauty, eyes that know love, feel love, and exude love.  That can only happen if I’m filled with love.  So, I’m on a quest to fall in love again… with myself.

As much as chemistry is important, the major factor of falling in love is a state of heart and mind.  Opening our minds and hearts, or also closing them, to the concept and acceptance of love is the beginning of any relationship.  If we are empty of love, we cannot give what we do not possess.  We then become vampires, because we have a need inside, a hole desperate to be filled, so we seek love from others around us, sucking the life out of them to feed that need, only to discover after we’ve drained them dry, the hole is still there.  That’s the thing about holes…  unless their patched, bottoms sewn together, mended, or sealed, everything that goes into them, drains right out the other end.

I used to be so angry at vampires, because they’re so fucking selfish. They’re so self-centered, desperate, needy, they don’t consider the damage they do to their victims.  They just need the blood, the love, and so they take, and take, and take, like a junkie using everyone in their life to get their next fix. They don’t “mean” to hurt anyone, but their disease controls them. A vampire’s need for blood controls them. They use, manipulate, lie and suck those that possess any love dry of that love, and then discard them, push their empty shells out of their lives, and then move onto their next victim.  And most often, these demons don’t realize they’re the vampire, destroying all the relationships in their life. Most see themselves as the victim, and most often at one time they were by another vampire.

I don’t want to be a vampire. I could very well become one. I have a huge hole in my heart, and it’s been bleeding for a while now. I can feel it turning more and more into stone day by day. I was recently so in love, probably the most in love I’ve ever been in my life. The world wasn’t magically perfect, and all my dreams didn’t come true, and all my problems didn’t disappear. On the contrary, loving this man pushed me so far outside my comfort zone and magnified the difficulties this cruel world has to offer. He’s a mess. He’s complicated. He’s damaged. He came with a lot of baggage.  Yet, I would light up just to hear his voice, my stomach pitched with butterflies when I stared into his beautiful eyes, and the peace I felt when he held me calmed the deepest storms inside. He had nothing to offer me, and that meant nothing to me, because I had the greatest thing of all… love. He was my soulmate. I was so deeply, madly, crazy in love and that made me happy.  I didn’t just fall in love with him, but everything that came with him. I know he loved me too, because I felt it.

I still don’t understand what happened, and I suppose now it really doesn’t matter. I may never know or may never understand why I lost that love, but I can’t allow the loss of it to turn me into a vampire. I LOVE the woman I am. I have worked hard to become her, and she is the woman that I cannot lose, refuse to lose, and will fight to keep. 

So, here I am. One of the things I learned from all the marriage counseling and couples workshops I participated in trying to save my marriage, is that all relationships require constant work.  ALL relationships, and that includes the one I have with myself.  In essence, THAT relationship is the most important one of all. How I love myself is the key to loving other people, it effects EVERY relationship in my life.

So, to my first love, my deepest love, Tonya… I see you and I love you.  I love your unending hope. I love the way you see the best in people, look beyond their weaknesses and imagine their greatest potential. I love how you defend the defenseless, and go out of your way to put a smile on someone else’s face, especially when you’re crying inside and just want to die.  I love how you would give up your lunch money to make sure someone else didn’t go hungry.  I haven’t forgotten the time you gave away a dress you saved MONTHS to buy to a stranger. Or how you opened your home to a pregnant woman who had nowhere to go. Even in the darkest of times, you always fought to protect, to save, even knowing you would pay the greatest of prices.  I will never, never, never forget the sacrifice you made to save a little girl from the hell you lived.  No one else knew the price you paid, but I remember, and I love you for it.  No one ever tells you thank you, hell, they don’t even remember you, most don’t even know your real name. You gave your gifts, your talents, your love, your support, and everything you had without hesitation and no one cared. I do. I care. I know your deeds, and most of all I know your intentions, I know the motivations of your heart, and you are precious.  Those are the very words God said to you, “you are precious.” Never forget them.  

So, in my quest to fall in love again with myself, I am going to keep reminding myself of the person I am, and see the virtues that I believe make me beautiful, and I’m going to do this every day until I can fill that hole, ease that pain, and feel loved once more.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Why I Don't Love You

Inspired by the CW show, Jane the Virgin, I don’t want to tell you all the reasons why I love you. I want to tell you all the reasons why I don’t.

I don’t love you because you’re the sexiest man I’ve ever seen. The first time I laid my eyes on you I lost my breath and my heart nearly leapt from my chest. From your pictures I thought you were kind ’f nerdy, a bit on the skinny side, too pretty for my taste, and not my type at all. I used to think that lightning wasn’t real and that love at first sight was the figment of an overactive imagination. But, baby, I’m still burning and finding it hard to breathe. I dream of you; you’re the star of my fantasies.

I don’t love you because you’re the smartest man I’ve ever met.  The things you say make me question some of my own core beliefs and push me to look outside my box. I don’t always agree with the ‘way’ you see the world, but I find ‘how’ you see it absolutely inspiring and amazing. I never thought I’d meet someone as thirsty for knowledge and nerdy as me. You push me to learn more, to try harder, to think stronger. I love that you often beat me in the intellectual games we play, that you disagree with me at almost every musing, and you argue with me about even the basic of understanding and enlightenment. While I hate to lose the game or the argument, I smile because it turns me on to know there’s depth behind those dark, sexy eyes.

I don’t love you because you’re the funniest man I’ve ever heard. All the jokes and videos you send me somehow arrive at the moment I need them most, usually when the world seems like it’s caving in on me and a laugh is the perfect thing I needed. It never fails – NEVER. You always seem to message me JUST when I’ve been thinking about you, like we’re tuned into the same frequency. It could be days between correspondences, but you always show up on time.

I don’t love you because you’re the most romantic man I’ve ever encountered.  The songs you send me not only move my feet, they move my heart. I’ve found myself several times with tears streaming down my face because the words, the music, the message in the songs you send are the words, music, and messages I’ve always dreamed of hearing. You may not write an epic fantasy, or a string of poetry, or a ballad to melt the heart, but you sure do know how to pick the songs like a true artist.

I don’t love you because you’re the bravest man I’ve ever known.  You’ve put your life on the line in the name of duty, without hesitation and without fear. I feel safe in your arms, so safe I keep falling asleep. For an insomniac, that’s the greatest medicine in the world. My favorite moment with you was lying in your arms, listening to your heartbeat, feeling your chest rise and fall with each breath, and your fingers gently stroked my hair as we watched television together. I fell asleep, so deeply, so comfortably, and so relaxed. The harshness of the world I’ve experienced makes that moment pure heaven to me. It was never about sex with you; it was always just you.

I don’t love you because your voice is exotic. It makes me smile when I hear the way you pronounce things, or the sound of your laughter when you find something extremely funny, or the way you sing, or the sarcasm that drips from your lips like honey. I especially don’t love you for the command and control I’ve heard in a tone that dictates authority, control, and unquestioning confidence. For someone who is never satisfied with the unanswered questions of the universe, to hear that particular sound of assurance is like ethereal music to my ears. My body reacts to your voice like a chord strummed in perfect tune – the joining of two sound waves in sync. As a safety measure, I insist on maintaining control of every aspect of my life, it’s how I protect myself. But when I’m with you I lose all control. I fumble my words, all well-laid plans vanish, my thoughts get jumbled, my resolve becomes liquid, and I betray myself and all the plans I’ve made. I no longer think of me, what I want, what I want to do, but become completely immersed in pleasing you, which in doing so, pleases me more than I ever dreamed.

I don’t love you for all those reasons listed above. I love you because I can’t imagine this world without you. Even if I can’t be with you, just knowing you exist, knowing you’re alive, knowing you’re happy is enough. I feel honored to have met you and privileged to have loved you. I know I’ll never stop loving you because you’re a part of my soul. I love you enough to let you go. Because of you, I now know amazing, passionate, and deep love really exists. I have enjoyed falling in love with you and discovering how beautiful it can be. I honestly didn’t think this kind of love existed, and accepted the imitations it’s offered me for so long. In loving you, I realize the kind of love someone once offered me, before they were taken away, was more beautiful than I ever imagined. Thank you. I never truly understood it before, but now I do.

I know what I want now, and I can’t and won’t accept anything less. The kind of love I have for you - I deserve that kind of love for myself. I want it. I want to be adored, admired, respected, wanted, desired, appreciated, and passionately loved. Part of me believes that’s impossible, a dream that’ll never happen, but before I met you – I thought you were an impossible dream too.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray