Directions

Directions

Ever had a destination, a goal, an objective, or something that needed to get done or somewhere you needed to be in life?  I can tell you won’t arrive by accident, it won’t happen on its own power, and I still haven’t figured out how to teleport like Harry Potter, so more than likely neither have you. No, the only way we can get to a particular goal/destination is directions.  We need directions. We need a road-map to the destination of our goals. 

I like to think of myself somewhat a gypsy, but that’s only wishful thinking.  I’m strategic, analytical, observant, scientific, and rational.  My free spirit I leave to my painting, but even in that – it’s still organized, planned, and executed.  Okay, I take it back. I’m NOTHING like a gypsy.   

I have goals. If this damned pandemic doesn’t kill me, there’s still a lot of things left that I want to do, and the only way I know how to get them done, the only way that I’ve achieved the goals and destinations before this – was to make a plan and then carefully map out the directions to achieve the end goal. 

So, I think it’s time I start making those plans again.  My problem isn’t that I don’t have any dreams, any plans, any wants, or any destinations, but that I have too many and need to make a decision and narrow them down. 

It’s time.

One of those goals – is get back to this blog. 

Here we go – step one – I blogged today.

Next direction in my goal for blogging – blog tomorrow. 

Until tomorrow,

~T.L. Gray

Keep Moving

While my imagination loves fairy tales, magic, and the miraculous, my mind understands reality, and the reality is that if I want something or I want something to happen in my life I have to do it, to make it happen, make the choices needed, and then act on them.  Money doesn’t just magically appear in my bank account - never, not once did I find any extra currency in there – though I swear often that there’s an invisible troll taking a toll every time I use it.  Fat doesn’t magically dissolve in my body, though I sometimes think it magically appears. We know that isn’t the truth either.  Relationship’s don’t just begin or end without effort and/or neglect.  That reminds me of a meme I saw one time about cheating where a guy trips and falls on top of a woman exclaiming, “It was an accident!”  No, the accident happened with the momentum of texting, talking, smiling, and flirting.  That’s when the cheating first began.  By the time he ‘tripped’, he was already deep into the betrayal. There’s no accident about it.  

What I’m trying to convey here is that I have to make a plan and set goals, make preparations for those plans and goals, make the choices that will help me achieve those plans and goals, and then have the strength and discipline to fulfill them regardless of how I feel or of convenience.  Nothing just magically happens.  Check marks don’t just appear.  Yes, sometimes the universe will bring me a surprise, but for the most part there are laws that govern this world much the way our natural laws govern our science and nature.  Facts are facts. Those laws are that we reap what we’ve sown.  The key is …we have to sow. We have to plant. We have to water. We have to make sure we get the right amount of sunlight.  We have to protect our gardens.  We have to pull up our own weeds.  We have to make sure we put the right kind of shit in the ground. We can’t plant one thing, yet expect it to grow something else, though we do. Man, I can’t tell you how many times I see this on a daily basis – this belief in reverse magic, in magical harvests, in expecting and wanting what we didn’t plant, earn or deserve.  It’s crazy.  Our society is so franchised, so drive-through, so … I want it my way, and I want it now, but don’t ask me to plant, grow, etc. I want YOU to prepare it for me.  I just want to lay back in my perfect body, consume what I want, when I want, not face a consequence, not lift a finger, not work for it, and yet have the strength and blessings of the gods.  How arrogant we are.  Yet, we will tell ourselves that’s NOT what we expect.

Come on, be real. Isn’t it what we expect?

This world is a beautiful and ugly place at the same time.  Over the past few weeks I have seen many, many, many examples of love, compassion, charity, respect, and bravery from people – and I’ve seen selfishness, hate, fear, depravity and gluttonous greed. Life is complex and complicated in its simplicity.  But somewhere in the balance there is peace. 

I have to keep moving. I have to keep working, and hoping, and praying, and expecting, and sowing, and reaping.  I have to keep making choices every day that are going to help me or hinder me, bring me life or frustration, to help me thrive or knock me off course. If I fall, I have to choose to get back up.  If I run, I have to learn to rest.  If I fear, I have to be brave.  If I’m empty, I have to fill myself. If I have the opportunity to love, I choose love. I have to keep dreaming, I have to keep planning, and I have to keep seeking my balance, my peace, and my happiness.  As much as I wish I could say a magic word and it be done, I know that’s not the reality of it – and I have to keep moving.  In this selfish world, my joy comes from choosing to love, to find purpose, to give, and to serve.  I have to choose it. I have to do it.  I decide to make my bed first thing in the morning, to love instead of run in fear, and then take the next step, and then the step after that, and so on.  I have to keep moving - THAT’s when I’m most happy. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Whatever It Takes

How many of us say this, and convince ourselves we believe it, but don’t do it?  Will I really do ‘whatever’ it takes?  How about when it gets hard? When no one else believes and supports me? When there’s no reward? No accolades? When it hurts? When it costs? When it requires me to give up someone or something else I love? When it doesn’t match my dreams or imagination?

Right now I’ve been doing this new workout program my boyfriend created for me. I suffer. It hurts me. It pushes me. I have to fight the fifty excuses screaming at me every morning, telling me to go back to bed, taunting me that it isn’t working, I’m wasting my time.  Yes, knowing I’m about to go suffer, I get up, put on my gym clothes, tie my hair in a ponytail, and then drive to the gym.  EVERY exercise hurts, and then the last of each set where I have to take myself to muscle failure – makes me want to throw up. But, I do WHATEVER it takes. I quit focusing on the pain I’m feeling and KNOW I’m going to feel throughout the day and then what I’m going to feel through the night and tomorrow, and focus on the next success.  

Do I love to suffer or feel pain? Hell NO!  But, what I do love more than the pain and suffering is being strong, healthy, and active.  I’m 48. My body is ready to start resting, slow down, take it easy – but I’m not.  I’ve got too many dreams, too many things I still have yet to do.

I got pissed off and frustrated the other day because I wasn’t strong enough to carry my kayak on my own.  I’m going to fix that problem, watch me. I’ll do whatever it takes. I haven’t figured it out yet, but I’m thinking about it. I love to kayak, I have a kayak, I have an SUV to carry my kayak, and I am not going to let being small and weak stop me from enjoying something I love to do. And I refuse to depend on someone else to do it.  Don’t get me wrong, if someone else is around, I’ll gladly and appreciatively use their help, but I’m not going to let the lack of help being available stop me.

I made a promise to myself a few years ago I wasn’t going to let the actions or inactions of others stop me anymore for doing what I want and love. I spent more than 20 years practically begging to go to the Grand Canyon. We had the means, time, and opportunity, but no one else wanted to go, so I allowed my dream to be put on the back burner with an empty promise of the next year – that never came.  So, I made a vow to myself to not let other’s stop me from doing what I want anymore. I still haven’t made it to the Grand Canyon, but believe me – It’s in the planning stage. As soon as I have vacation time – I’m going to see that big hole in the ground, even if I have to go alone. I’ll do WHATEVER IT TAKES. I’m going to find a way to load and unload my kayak ON MY OWN – whatever it takes.

In my writing – I do whatever it takes. Writing is hard, it takes devotion, time, patience, bleeding your soul onto the page …and if I want publication – more hard work, being “on” in order to market, promote, engage, sitting at hot festivals, sitting on panels with a bunch of snobbish people, wearing thick skin from the opinionated bad reviews or advice from everyone in or outside the business who thinks they can write your stuff better than you.  Dealing with people …sigh.  BUT, I LOVE writing, it’s as much a part of me as breathing so when I set my mind to a project – I’ll do whatever it takes to see it fly onto the page and then out into the universe. I’m not going to let those things or people stop me.

In work, in relationships, paying my bills, providing for myself, life in general … I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ve only got me. I have people in my life who care about me, but I, ALONE, am responsible for myself.  I’m an independent single woman. I don’t have a husband to share the burdens of this life. My kids are grown and they have themselves to care for, and it’s not their job to take care of me. I have no parents. So, I must do whatever it takes. So, watch me do just that.

Till next time

The Company You Keep

They say, “You are the company you keep.” Who are they?  This time, it’s many of the people I’ve grown to respect and admire over the years, people who have gone before me such as Epictatus, Benjamin Franklin, Cohen, Albert Einstein, Voltaire, etc.  Japanese Proverb says, “When a character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.” English proverb says, “A man is known by the company he keeps.” Drew Houston says, “You become the average of the five people you hang out with.” In 1 Corinthians 15, “Don’t be misled. Bad company corrupts good character.”  Starting to get the point? And before I move on – for those who think keeping their own company solves the bad company issue – you can be the bad influence in your own life.  “Character is much easier kept than recovered,” Thomas Payne.

I say that, to say this …be careful of the company you keep.  If your life is falling apart and you keep suffering, you keep failing, you keep facing the same problems over and over and over, look around at your support system. If you don’t have a support system – then that too is your fault and responsibility.  You can’t blame the world for leading your astray or letting you down – because the world hasn’t been around. YOU led yourself astray and YOU let yourself down.  But, if you do have a support system – check yourself and check them.  Are they a strong, positive, inspirational, encouraging, moralistic, supportive, natural leaders, got their shit together, and successful examples? If not, then there might be the problem. The BIGGER question – are you all those things to your friends AND to yourself?  There’s another answer to your failures and problems.

We delude ourselves. I’ve done it. I’m guilty.  Thomas Payne is right, “To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.”  We quickly and easily want to lay blame to others for our failures.  It’s his fault, it’s her fault, it’s their fault, I didn’t have the same opportunities, life isn’t fair, if I didn’t have kids, if I had only got an education, if I had the money, and so on and so on. I’ve heard the excuses. I’ve tried to use them, but when it comes down to it – I can only blame myself for making poor choices, either in ignorance or vanity. 

One thing I have learned through it all – I noticed a pattern, am noticing the pattern again, and must conclude – the times of my greatest successes coincided with the times I surrounded myself with people that lent me strength to achieve those successes, who encouraged me, and who inspired me. No one ever did anything FOR me, I’ve fought hard for everything I’ve ever achieved through sacrifice and hard work. The times of my greatest failures and disappointments were when I surrounded myself with vampires, by selfish, lazy people, by bad company who took my love, my charity, my compassion, and my gifts for granted – and left me empty and dry. Shame on me.

We think the company we keep doesn’t really affect us, our life, our successes or our failures, but that’s just a lie we tell ourselves because we don’t want to face the truth: the company we keep reflects WHO WE ARE, where we are in life, and what we value. You can lie to yourself all you want, but if you want to know who you really are, not who you think you are, look at the people around you – look at the company you keep.

I am uncommon amongst uncommon people. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am filled with passion, integrity and good character.  I am driven. I am determined. I love myself and I’m working hard to cut out the leeches, the vampires, the excuses, the corrupt, the liars, and the thieves  - and surround myself with people who inspire me, who love me, who value me, who encourage me, who love and value themselves – because I am not done yet. I have achieved a lot in this world, but I have more work to do.  I’m not looking for perfect people – no such thing exists. I’m looking for uncommon people amongst uncommon people – the dreamers, the fighters, the people who don’t take no for answers, the people who never give up, and the people who don’t let excuses stop them. That will be the company I will be to others and the company I keep. Because of that – watch what I do, it’s gonna be fucking amazing!

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray