If I Had a Heart

This post is inspired by the theme song by Fever Ray from Vikings.

Lyrics:

This will never end
‘Cause I want more
More, give me more, give me more

This will never end
‘Cause I want more
More, give me more, give me more

If I had a heart I could love you
If I had a voice I would sing
After the night when I wake up
I'll see what tomorrow brings

If I had a voice I would sing

Dangling feet from window frame
Will I ever, ever reach the floor?
More, give me more, give me more

Crushed and filled with all I found underneath and inside
Just to come around
More, give me more, give me more

If I had a voice I would sing

The first time I heard this theme song it was the powerful music that touched me.  That constant and tribal thump of the bass line pulled at my deepest soul string, and my heart beat changed to keep in time with it.  It pulled me down into the depths of my own soul and stirred everything inside it… all the hope, all the love, all the pain, and all the despair.  All of it mixed together, swirling, swirling, swirling, deeper and deeper… ‘more, give me more, give me more. Dangling feet from window frame, will I ever, ever reach the floor?’  

That’s what my heart longs for… more.  But more of what?  At first I thought it was love.  Just like the song says, “If I had a heart I could love you.” It doesn’t say ‘would’, meaning having a choice… but ‘could’ as if incapable or unable. Love seems to be the most elusive thing for me to receive, yet what I tend to give more and more and more. I find it ironic.  When I first heard the scriptures that whatsoever a man sows, that also he would reap, I began to sow the things into my life, my world, and into others those things I wanted most for myself.  When I need encouragement, I give it to someone else. When I am hungry, I feed someone else.  When I am in need, I go out of my way to help someone else.  When I am lonely, I will provide company to someone else.  When I’m afraid, I will encourage someone else.  When I’m lost, I will lead someone else to somewhere I know.  But love… I give love to those who’ve hurt me, who’ve hate me, and who’ve reject me.  When I see a heart that has been broken and crushed, as mine has been so many times, I pour what love I have within me into them as much as I can.  For I am filled with love… love for myself, love for a broken and wounded world, because I am broken and wounded. 

For the longest time when I found myself in need, I would go without.  When I was lonely, my tears stained my pillow that no one ever saw, and hid my pain behind a smile.  When I was afraid, I’d wrap my arms around myself.  When I was lost, I wandered alone.  There’s two sides to that scripture… sowing and reaping.  I learned to sow, lived a life of sowing and giving and pouring into others, denying myself and carrying my cross, yet I had not learned how to reap, how to open myself to receive, let someone else sow into me, because I only knew how to be broken and crushed.

Our lives are filled with many dark nights, many storms, many battles, and many moments of pain, but joy comes with the morning. Let us see what tomorrow brings.  Be content, but never be satisfied.  Always strive for more, more and more.  Because this is life.  Living is surviving, rising, falling, and overcoming.  If I had a voice I could sing.  If you have ears to hear, then listen.  Hear what calls from the deep.  Forget the noise of the world above and allow yourself to fall into the depths and listen.

“This will never end, ‘cause I want more. More, give me more, give me more.”

Howl of the Moon Goddess

Thump. Thump. The speakers vibrate as the heavy bass blares throughout the small apartment. Each beat moves Luna, stirs her soul, and stimulates her imagination.  Her head slightly bobs and she taps her foot to the steady beat, sometimes even moving her shoulders with each progression, but her mind isn’t on the music, she doesn’t even hear the lyrics she finds herself singing.  Her thoughts are on him. They’re always on him, or at least it seems that way to her lately.

“Concentrate, damn it. You’ve got a deadline.”

Luna’s fingers sit idly on the keys as she stares at the empty page on her laptop screen, but she doesn’t even see the white empty space.  She can only see flashes of his black eyes, those mysterious, sexy, exotic eyes, staring at her, undressing her, her wolf hungry and filled with a need to devour.

Butterflies flutter inside her, the music takes her deeper and deeper into her day dream.  She closes her eyes, leans back in her office chair and with the tips of her fingers she lightly touches her forehead, imaging it’s the soft, warm touch of his beautiful full lips.  She moves her middle finger between her brows and down to the tip of her nose and pauses.  She can see him clearly now in her mind.  His forehead rested upon her own and his dark eyes staring into her own, his warm breath upon her own lips, the tip of his nose pressed against hers. One hand cradles her head, while his strong thick thumb slowly rubs against her jawline.  She can feel him peering into her eyes, deeply, beyond her hazel irises and into the very depths of her soul. 

“I love you,” her wolf whispers.

Her breath catches.  She wants to say those three powerful words back to him, but she can’t breathe.  She’s paralyzed, filled with both fear and overwhelming emotion.  She’s longed to hear him say those words, but at the same time doesn’t trust them.  Too many other wolves have said them to only have never meant them, never even knowing the power of what they meant, and in their blindness walked away beneath the power of the moon. Staring into those black eyes, she knows she loves the spirit behind them, more than any wolf she’s ever loved before, yet she knows that someday he too will walk away. The wildness within him will howl, and he will run, just as all the wolves before him.

Warm tears well in Luna’s eyes as she opens them and stares once more at the empty screen in front of her. She covers her face with hands, props her elbows on the end of the table and lets the cries of pain escape through her lips, a howling cry, a wearisome wail. 

Why does she cry?  Luna knows she’s wild, and something truly wild cannot ever be caged, cannot ever be tamed, cannot ever be possessed – only equaled by something just as wild, just as strong, just as powerful, and just as free.  She is a she-wolf that needs to run and not be caged. Her coat is beautiful, yet delicate.  She’s been broken so many times before by violent teeth, iron bars, and messy nets.  She is now tattered, torn, and frail, but she can still run, it’s all she knows.  Her strength comes from the earth.  Her heart comes from the moon.  The stars call to her and guides her toward her destiny.  The waves sing to her, telling her of the deep things.  The wind speaks to her and howls her name.  The rain washes the heaviness from her soul. The thunder and lightning energizes her and fills her with strength.

Luna wipes her face, takes a deep breath, and once more sets her fingers to the keys.  She knows she’s going to run.  Perhaps she knows her wolf won’t run next to her, but she can’t let his choice stop her.  The moon is calling her.  Her destiny awaits her.  She is a she-wolf goddess and her throne waits for her to return. Her scepter is the words she writes.  Her crown is her vision and drive.  It is a heavy crown and comes with much sacrifice, but she knows nothing great comes without a great cost. She also knows to be part of a pack is the easy way for an ordinary she-wolf, but she’s not ordinary and cannot ever be ordinary.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.  Luna’s fingers fly across the keyboard.  With each stroke, her heart beats just a little bit faster.  Her hazel eyes widened with excitement.  Her gift flows through her, filling her, stirring her, pouring into her at the same time pouring out through her fingertips. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. The heavy beat of the music behind her moves her, pushes her, builds the moment must like the way her wolf makes love to her… building within her an explosive pressure, leading her toward a great release.

The words pour from her like a great river following around bends, navigating through rocks, and then plunging down over great falls.  Her imagination runs through the forest of fantasy like the spirit of her she-wolf, her feet barely touching the moss-covered ground, her heart racing as she dodges in and out hidden trails, inhaling the earthy scents of the forest, seeing all the vibrant natural colors. How wonderful would it be if another ran and witnessed the same beauty, but Luna knows only a wild wolf possesses such vision.

Ring. Ring.  Luna snaps out of her vision and her fingers rest once more on the keys.  She reaches over and pushes the power button on her iPod and silence fills the air that was just pulsating with heavy bass and erotic, tribal percussions.  Ring. Ring. Ring.

“Hey, babe,” Luna answers, eyeing the name of her wolf flash across the screen of her phone.

The tone of his voice through the phone tingles her ears, much like the way the drum beats just did a few moments ago through the music and she can’t help but smile. His soul draws her out of her imagination, leaving her wild trails to fade back into the recesses of her mind. Her mind now focuses on him, the memory of his touch, the intoxication of his scent, of the wildness inside him that is an explosive combination when it comes together with her own.  His bite is infectious.  His growl is erotic.

“What you doing tonight?” Luna’s nipples begin to ache and her breath shallows. Her soul knows it’s a new moon and she wants to howl tonight, to run and hunt with her wild wolf.

“I’ll be waiting for you.” Luna laid her phone down on the desk, glanced at the black font filling the page and smiled. Her wild-woman hazel eyes glowed as she shut the cover of her laptop. 

Mountain Climber

I’ve started a new chapter. I’m facing a new mountain. I’m not just talking in my novel, but in my life.  How many chapters does that make it now?  How many mountains are behind me? Let’s just say on Sunday I’m turning (45) forty-five.  Wow.  I don’t feel forty-five, and yet I feel like I’ve already lived a hundred lives.  How many times have I started over? How many mountaintops have I crested? I can break my life into several different segments, each filled with adventure and tragedy, love and hate, hurt and healing.  Some of it terrible, but some of it great.  I feel I’m both blessed and cursed.  Where am I now?  What new valley do I enjoy now?  What new mountain do I face to climb?

I look around me and I don’t recognize much of me.  I’m living in someone else’s apartment, surrounded by someone else’s things, in someone else’s town.  At moments, this reality is overwhelming and I cry for my space, I cry for my familiar things stuffed away in some storage unit.  I often feel my life is stuffed away, melting in the heat, locked away, confined, and forgotten. I had begun discovering myself, gathering things around me that were mine.   It’s always “soon” I’ll have my space.  “Soon” I’ll get my things back.  “Soon” I can get back to my life.  Yet, soon keeps getting pushed back one extended lease at a time.  It was just supposed to be for a few months.  In a couple weeks it’ll be a year.  In my experience… soon often never comes. I feel helpless, trapped and wonder how I got here, why I’m here, and how long will I have to stay?

Other times, I’m grateful for where I am, because I’m not alone and I know my best friend and roommate loves me and all the mess that I am.  The confined space is suffocating me, but her presence, her love, and her acceptance helps me when I fall into that panic mode.  I love having her around, I just wish we had a bigger apartment.  Being confined into small places stirs up childhood and other nightmares. Sometimes I can’t breathe and become filled with anxiety.  She also works from home, which means during her work hours (which are late afternoons) our small space becomes even smaller because I have to be quiet and stay in my room. It’s not so bad when I can go outside, go explore my new city, go enjoy the beauty of nature.  But it’s July in Florida and hotter than hell, and being outside during the daytime hours literally makes me sick.  I mean, puking-my-guts-out-and-getting-overheated-or-burned-to-a-crisp sick. My confinement becomes even smaller, and I feel like I’m locked away in a jail cell.  Sometimes I can literally hear the slam of a thick, metal door, and the sound of sliding steel as the lock catches.  Even the door to my bedroom gets stuck sometimes and is hard to open, which causes my feeling of confinement and panic to rise. I know it isn’t real, just a ghost image my mind uses to torture me, but I hear and feel it. 

I miss my things. I miss my space. I miss my kids. I miss the mountains. I miss the woods. I miss a lot of things.  But, I don’t miss the isolation, the feeling of being lost and forgotten and unnecessary. After 20 years of marriage, 18 years of church service.  After two decades of hard work to climb the corporate ladder.  After 25 years of motherhood.  I felt like none of it mattered, all the sacrifice I made was for nothing.  No one cared.  I had nothing to offer anymore, so I wasn’t necessary and became forgotten, tossed aside. I just wanted to be loved, but it seems I could never do enough to earn that from anyone. I walked away, and no one stopped me from leaving.  Then my body turned on me too.  I hit bottom a couple years ago, as low as one could go.  I faced death, and he almost won, but he didn’t.  I’ve been fighting to pick myself up from those deep trenches, ever since.  I can’t express or explain or even describe what it’s like to prepare to die.  I didn’t prepare, I imploded. But this blog post isn’t about staying in that dark place.  On the contrary, I’ve posted all the darkness above to lead to this point so that you can see the light.  There is light, there is hope, and there is freedom.  Yes, I’m still in a small confined place, and some days it’s very over-whelming.  BUT, I’m also in a good place because the doors are not locked.  I am not alone.  I will have my space, but this time it won’t be a place of darkness, of sadness, or of loneliness.  I just have to hold on for a little while longer, and “soon” will happen before I know it.  Yes, I’ll still have days of panic.  Yes, I’ll still have days of extreme anxiety.  But, I don’t have to face those days alone.  I still miss my kids, but they’re grown and living their lives without me and finding their way in this world.  My ex-husband has now remarried.  My ex-church has accepted the new couple and replaced me very easily.  My ex-in-laws now have a daughter-in-law in whom they can be proud.  Those chapters in my life are now closed.

So, yes, I’m starting a new chapter.  As with every new chapter, it takes a little while before you get to the inciting scene, the moment when everything changes.  The beginning of a climb is often slow and the size of the mountain seems overwhelming and a huge obstacle.  It won’t be until I reach near the summit before I will feel victorious, but I have my eyes locked onto my goal, onto my target, and though it will be a difficult climb and push me to the edges of my strength and will, I will succeed.  Do you know how I know?  Because this isn’t the first mountain I’ve climbed, nor is it the biggest or toughest mountain I’ve faced.  The biggest difference …I’m not climbing on my own.  I have two wonderful people in my life right now that have their own climb to make and we’re climbing together.  This time, I’m there to lend a hand when they need it, and to grab a hand when I need one.  I don’t know what struggles tomorrow holds, and I’m sure there will be many, all I know is that I don’t have to face them alone. 

Till next time,

~Mountain Climber

Sleight by Sloane Kady

I promised this review a few weeks ago, but life got in the way and I’m late.  I apologize to author Sloane Kady for my lateness. I made a promise, so here I am.  Please visit Ms. Kady’s website here.

It’s actually hard for me to review this novel.  The first paragraph grabbed hold of me and I actually got a little scared to read any further. 

“I’m the daughter of two defective people.  They came off the factory line dented and chipped.  If you could pick them up and look underneath them, you’d see that they’re just hollow molds, meant to look like real parents, even sounding like them sometimes, but you know you can’t keep them because those chips left sharp edges that will make you bleed, and they’re not real, anyway.  No one wants a cheap knockoff.”

It was too real for me.  Too familiar.  Too raw.  Not from anything that’s happened recently, but with things I’ve put behind me many years ago.  I could feel the pain this author poured into this work, because I recognize it.  I haven’t read anything else by Kady, nor have I met her personally, but I do interact with her at times on Facebook because many of her posts speak to my soul.  Her writing does the same.  I’ve grown a great fondness for Ms. Kady.

Sleight is raw and not for the tender-hearted, yet tender-hearted is exactly what Bryce is beneath the tough, cold exterior.  She’s full of pain, full of loss, full of confusion and all of it together has her stuck… stuck in the pain of a past she can’t forget, stuck in the confusion of a present she doesn’t know how to handle, and stuck in the fear of not knowing which future to choose.  The anger she’s held onto for so long because of the things she once knew, is tossed into chaos as she struggles to re-identify herself as her father struggles to hold onto to his own identity among the identity-stealing grasp of Alzheimer’s.

“The woman looking back at me in my oval bathroom mirror is a stranger to me.  I can see in her eyes that she doesn’t know me, either.  I watch her, trying to familiarize myself with her shocking appearance.  Inside, I’m still casual girl, with my torn skinny jeans and black turtleneck sweater.  The woman in the mirror would pass me on the street and at best glare at me from the corner of her eye in contempt of having to share the sidewalk with me.”

When do we form that inner soul? Mine is still a scared little girl acting tough in a violent world. Even now, she is the voice that moves me forward, reminds me of what I’ve already overcome, and compels me forward.  It’s paragraphs like this that resonate with me, and why this author has a fan for life.

What I saw in this novel is the beauty and ugliness, but most of all the reality, of love.  The chaos of pain.  The consequence of pride. The scars of hate, prejudice, and ignorance. Oh, if we could only get out of our own way sometimes.

As an editor, I found the writing fluid, like it was poured directly from the heart.  The pacing was consistent, slow in the moments of reflection, and then fast in the heat of emotion.  The language was raw and real, which gave an authenticity to the character’s voice. 

I don’t recommend this book for those easily offended or those blind in their preconceived boxes.  It’s a must-read for those with minds wide open, who’ve experienced some shit in their lives, or those who aren’t afraid to face some raw truth and emotion. 

Good job, Ms. Kady.  I look forward to reading more of your work.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Published Author

Georgia Author of the Year Nominee

Editor at North Star Literary Agency

I Give It My Whole Heart... Now

I sometimes wonder how I make it through the day.  I don’t wonder as I’m going through the day, but in those quiet moments of reflection usually at the end of one or in the early mornings of a new one.  I try not to look too far ahead, because while some of those thoughts bring me great anticipation and excitement, others bring me moments of panic, worry and overwhelming anxiety.  I’ve been through too much to not fear the struggles that may lay ahead, because of the struggles I’ve already waded through, but I’ve also experienced some great adventures and anticipate with wonder.  The joy, the peace, or the real struggle is to try to stay as much in the present moment as possible.  This moment is more manageable. It is this moment where your decisions matter most. It’s in these moments that keep you on track of your goals and aspirations, or provide the detours that sends you on a different path.  At least that’s what I tell myself.

What’s in my present moment? What’s going on in my life and what can I do about it?

I’m currently working on a health & fitness program that includes a great workout regimen, a light diet plan, and building a lifestyle of active adventure.  So far, so good.  It’s a decision I have to make on a daily and weekly basis.  I can’t think or plan too far ahead, nor can I dwell on the past successes or mistakes.  I know what works for me, for my body, and for my mind.  My past success and failures help me make my current choices and also leads as a guide in my near-future decisions.  I give it my whole heart… now.

I’m currently in a romantic relationship that constantly makes me smile, makes me excited to get up in the morning, makes me feel at peace for my present, makes me feel loved, wanted and desired as I love, want and desire my man.  I don’t dwell on the relationships of the past. While those relationships sometimes pop up to remind me of both good and bad times, I don’t allow the memories to stay very long.  I also don’t try to plan and anticipate too far in the future.  Anticipation is the root to most of our disappointment. I’ve learned I can guarantee nothing. How can I make a promise that I have no power to actually fulfill? It doesn’t mean I don’t have a desire to see a life full of great moments, great love, and even greater adventure, because I do.  It’s one of my biggest hopes. However, I don’t PLAN it. I just appreciate what I have in this current block of time.  I reflect on how I feel and how the relationship affects me now.  I give it my whole heart… now.

I’m currently surrounded by a few great friends, and have recently made a few new friends.  I’m seeing the beauty of the human heart through some of the people that has come into my life the last few years.  For so long I saw the ugliness, judgement, and depravity of humanity, and many times my heart hurt and my mind fought to have hope.  There are beautiful, selfless, caring people in the world. I’ve had the pleasure to meet a few of them.  While I miss some of the friendships in the past, I’m learning to appreciate the friends in my present and open my heart to new friends.  I give it my whole heart… now.

 I’m writing again.  I have so many manuscripts I could work on, but I’m taking it one day at a time.  If I think of all that needs to be done, all that I’ve left behind, all that I’ve let slip away, or all that I want to do, then I will get too overwhelmed and run back into hiding. I don’t have the luxury to write full-time at this time in my life, and have to make time in my daily schedule for what I could do now.  It has to be a priority.  I have a wonderful job that I really enjoy that allows me to take care of my basic necessities, supports my independence.  It’s a job that ends at a certain time of day so that I am free to pursue those other goals in my life in the other 16 hours. I give it my whole heart… now.

So between my goals of health, fitness and living an adventurous lifestyle, enjoying a beautiful romance, surrounded by awesome friends, working at a good job, and fulfilling a great dream, my day is pretty full.  I don’t have the energy or the time to waste dwelling on a past I can’t change or worrying about a future I can’t control.  Today… I’m happy, I’m living in the moment, I’m in love, I am loved, and I’m excited. I give it my whole heart… now.

Till next time,

Princess of the Present

Good Morning, My Love

Shhhh, Baby, don’t open those dark, commanding eyes of yours.  I couldn’t take their penetrating gaze at this moment.  I’m too weak, too much under your power, too lost in admiration and worship of you. My breath has caught deep in my lungs, and I’m so overwhelmed at the moment, and can’t breathe.  Please, please don’t take this moment from me. I’m captured. I’m mesmerized. I’m shaking.

Keep your eyes closed, Baby, please. You just don’t understand. The Moon Goddess has captured you in her silvery gaze and opened my own eyes to the wonder and beauty of you.  Her powerful and majestic light spills through the open window and caresses you ever so gently, light a million light fairies dancing on her beams as they pour down onto your body.  Do you know how beautiful you are to me? I could watch you forever.

Don’t move.  Sleep, Baby, let the cloak of Night cover you, let her continue to hold you securely for a little longer in her arms.  Your breathing calms me because it is so peaceful. My eyes water as I watch my warrior slumber. Rest, Baby, beneath Night’s sanctuary.  Let her hold your sword and your armor for just for a little while longer as she sends rejuvenation and strength into you. Do you know how safe you make me feel?  How much strength you give me? How much courage you pour into me to face this brutal world?  

Can you feel my warmth? Do you feel the heat of my whisper upon the shell of your ear?

Can you feel the tender touch of my fingernail as I trace the outline of your handsome, strong, chiseled face beneath the silver radiance of the moon?  If you could see how she illuminates you, cloaking parts of you in mysterious shadow and outlining your smooth curves and sharp edges with her silvery beams.  The dark lines of your tattoos are light scriptures written on the temple walls, telling of the love and warnings of the wrath that dwells inside.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to touch you? To have you touch me? It’s magnetic.  I’m drawn to you, connected, electrified. You make me want to do things I’ve never imagined.  You make me feel so alive, so aware, a part of something more, something bigger, and something so good I can’t contain it. I once had defined lines, clear edges, a mask behind which I could hide.  You’ve blurred the lines.  I don’t know where I start and where I end, like I’ve shed the skin of this body and am a part of everything, yet nothing at the same time.  When you look at me, I melt beneath your gaze.  I get lost in your dark eyes, Baby, so keep them closed right now.  You’ve yanked my mask away and there’s nowhere to hide. I’m naked and bare before you.  The Moon Goddess has illuminated your glory this night.  Don’t move, Baby. Don’t wake. Let me worship you just a little longer.

My warm breath slowly escapes my lips, Baby, thinking of your kisses.  I can’t get enough of them.  They pull me, like a hook in the center of my belly, it yanks at me, hard. Can you feel me lightly kiss you? I love the taste of you, the scent of you, the feel of you.  I want to kiss you all the time, softly and hard, forever and ever. They make me feel so loved, so wanted, so desired.  I lose all control beneath them. Their touch on my skin burns right through me.  Kiss me, Baby, and don’t ever stop.

I’m shaking, Baby.  The Morning and Sun gods are demanding their time, and the Moon Goddess and Night must continue on their destined journeys.  Your eyes will open soon and this moment will pass.  You will once again put on your armor and pick up your sword and fight the battles that Day brings.  He’s a ruthless god, but I’m thankful I had this beautiful, magical moment.  It has filled me to full, and makes me feel like I’m dangerous, brave, cloaked in your armor, safe behind your sword, protected beneath your cloak, and I smile. Open your eyes now, Baby.

Good morning, my love. 

Who Is to Blame?

Who is to blame? As Lady Justice stands in the shadows and the rabid beasts scour the land in search of flesh to tear and carcasses to consume, we stand at our windows and wonder, "Who's to blame?"

Our fingers of accusation twitch. Our righteous indignation swells. Our need to deflect, reject and object consumes us. But, who is to blame?

Is it her, him, them or they? Let's point our bony, chubby, dirty and manicured mandible at all those around... One by one by one.

It's All About the Little Things

We’ve all heard the phrase, “The devil is in the details.”  That often puts a negative spin and mindset on the little things, the fine print, the details, the unseen parts.  While it is where disclaimers, restrictions, and exclusions are often listed, it’s also the where the frame work resides.  Ever tried to build something without framework?  There’s no support, no boundaries, no definition and without the stability of a good foundation or framework, what we build crumbles, falls, implodes, withers, evaporates, and comes apart.

Building a good foundation or setting a good framework is the hardest part when we’re building something.  It’s the boring part. It’s the inner workings no one can see in our masterpieces.  Most people only see the outward appearance, the art, the display, the picture.  But how many see the frame, the canvas, the inner workings, or the lode-bearing supports?  Only another designer, architect, artist or builder recognizes how it’s all about the little things.

You can tell a lot about a person by how they handle the little, ordinary things in life.  Are you the type of person that does the least to maintain, or do you take your time and make sure that whatever you’re doing is done to the best of your ability?  Do you do your best only on the things you love, or do you work with a spirit of excellence in all things?  Pay attention, take an assessment and truly evaluate your work.  When you wash the dishes, do you really take your time to make sure that not only are the dishes clean, but so is the stove, the counter, the spot behind the faucet, or the space beneath the coffee pot?  While we might not think such trivial thing make a difference, they really do.  It tells a lot about the type of person you are.  It tells more about how you feel about yourself more than anything.  When it’s just you and nobody else sees your effort, and you STILL give it your best shot, that’s your true framework.

I notice the little things. I look for them. I see you, the real you, the you that you are when you think no one is looking.  We are so judged in this world by our masks, our outward appearances, our metrics, our test results, our accomplishments, our awards, our trophies, our titles, our income, our possessions, our associations, our belts.  I see YOU.  It’s all about the little things. 

Till Next Time,

~The Magnifying Glass

I'm Free

It's easy to think we would know what we would do, or not do, in any given situation. We think we know what choices we would make, or not make, at any given time. I'm learning that's not always true.

I'm usually weakest in what I think I would be strong, and often strong when I fear I'll be weak. I have an opinion about everything, but know I'm not always right.

Lately I've had some really in-depth discussions with my boyfriend that have had me reconsidering some core beliefs and thus exposed some latent prejudices. I know I've uttered several times, in parts, the phrase, "I know enough to know I don't know everything, and just enough to know I know nothing. The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know."  Yet, what I do know is both horrible and beautiful.

Regardless of what I know or come to understand, I am who I am, and who I am is as honest as I can be... Not just with the world, but with myself.

I'm a mess, but I'm a beautiful mess. I've been through pain, still have pain and broken beyond recognition, but I'm still here.

I'm lost, but I'm still moving. I may not know where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere. I'm free. Free from the boxes, free from the guilt, free from the lines that define our paths. I'm free to wander, to explore, to seek, to discover, to experience on an undefined path, an unpaved road, an unmarked trail. Will there be dangers? Will there be struggles? Will there be uncertainties? Will there be mistakes? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But the risk is worth the adventure.

Someday my adventure will end, but it will end without regret, without sorrow of having never taken the risk. I've walked the straight and narrow and became a zombie among the vampires. I've lived for duty, bore the armor of responsibility, tried to lead by being an example, and it killed me. I denied myself, picked up my cross, and cut my flesh. In trying to save the world, I suffocated. I still haven't fully learned to breathe.

I am free. I am happy. My daily struggle has not ended. My wishes have not come true. My dreams still have yet to be fulfilled. I have no idea what will happen today, much less tomorrow, and I don't know the answers to the universe's questions. I just know I'm free... Free to be me just like I am. Free to love. Free to be... Anything, do anything, feel anything, to fly, or do nothing. It's my choice.

Till next time,
Beautiful Butterfly

Livin' Out Loud - Liar

Our biggest obstacle when it comes to health, fitness, and even love, is our propensity to make excuses. We have them. We have plenty of them. Our mindset is where the largest part of our battle resides.

We lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves we need or deserve the destructive behavior we commit. We tell ourselves it’s okay to abuse our bodies, our hearts and our minds, after all it’s our period and we deserve that damn chocolate. We’ve been good and deserve to cheat on our diet. We did a lot more activity today than normal so we can skip our workout. We'll start tomorrow, and on and on. The excuses never stop.

Until we recognize we are out biggest abuser, see us for who we really are, we won’t win, we won’t succeed, we won’t break free. It’s nobody’s fault we are like we are. It’s not our past, not our genetics, it’s not our environment, it’s not the food industry, it’s not our religion, it’s not our disease, it’s not our drugs, it’s not ANYTHING but our own choices. We are exactly where we want to be, allow ourselves to be, choose to be, or choose not to change.

Only we can choose to put down the doughnuts, pick up the jump rope, and continue to make that choice everyday.

We don’t need to have a lot of money, personal trainer, expensive food, diet drugs, or the right workout clothes or equipment. Before we pick up or use any of these tools we have to first strip ourselves of our excuses, stand in front of our mirrors naked, look at ourselves in the eye, and truly see ourselves for who we truly are, not the lie we tell ourselves.

We are not victims. We are the abusers of our own self. We are the ones that gorge on the whole box of snack cakes, doughnuts, bag of chips, soft drinks, chicken nuggets, ice cream, and chocolate. We can take all the diet pills we want, drink all the diet drinks we want, eat off the little plates filled with seconds and thirds, but it doesn’t change that we neglect what we need, feed our feelings, and cheat ourselves out of living our lives to our best potential. We see ourselves as victims - and victims are slaves. We are slaves to our addictions. We are slaves to our excuses. We are slaves to our abuses. We are taskmasters to our own depravity.

We are the asshole that stops ourselves. Until we acknowledge our truth and see our truth, we can never change it. We're killing ourselves. We are an abuser, a neglector, and a selfish bitch. Stop lying to our selves. Have the courage to face our own truth and learn to live.

Then… naked, bare, exposed, and determined… change our story, change our stars, change our life.

Till next time,

Freed Slave, Survivor

When I Look in the Mirror

When I look in the mirror I see my mother, I see her features in my face, I see her hands in my hands, I see her cheeks in my cheeks, I see her body shape in my own. My memories remember her pain, her sickness, her abuse, her addictions, her excuses. So, in the mirror I also see the life she could of had. I think that's why I push so hard to be strong, because she was so weak. Why the very thought of doing drugs or popping pills makes me sick, how I'm independent and refuse to allow anyone to abuse me, to use me, to make me feel helpless and trapped. This is my only way to save a piece of her, by saving myself. When I look in the mirror I see my mother... Free, happy, healthy, and I'm sure inside, beneath the victim, beneath the MS, beneath the pills she'd be happy to see me be all the things she couldn't. I may not be able to see her, or have a relationship with her, but I'll always love her. (Damn, this was hard.)

Livin' Out Loud - Active Living

Well, I’m back again to talk a little bit more about Livin’ Out Loud.  This isn’t an idea of something I want to do, but something I’ve been doing since my divorce a few years ago.  This was something my soul cried out needing for a very long time.  I tried to get what I needed from everyone around me, my ex-husband, my kids, my church, my job, but I couldn’t find what I was seeking in them or through them.  What I needed, what my soul needed, what my heart needed was already inside me, but I realized I was too afraid to listen to her, or to even give her a glancing thought.  She was too painful to even acknowledge. 

Memorial day is coming up tomorrow.  I’ve been having a little bit of a hard time this weekend and found myself trying to reach out to others in order to soothe that pain. I thought after 23 years I’d finally be able to breathe during this time without that pain, but the pain is still there, yet it’s not all for James, the hero that gave his life in Somalia.  It’s for the hero that was left here at home, the fighter inside me, the survivor with her many scars.   I loved James, still love him, will always love him, but he’s not really the one I’m grieving.  I miss him, will always miss him, will always wonder of the life we might’ve had together, but I think what still hurts most is the life that I hid inside me for so long.  People grieve in different ways. I shut down. I hid inside myself, got lost for a couple decades, and while I was living, going through the motions, I wasn’t alive.  I cared deeply for everyone else around me, but not myself.  When I learned the scripture to “deny yourself and pick up your cross…”, well… I did just that.  I denied myself until I could deny myself no longer.

So, here I am after I completely disrupted my life, turned it upside down, made some bold moves, and faced my biggest fear – that lost, hurt, angry little girl inside who has carried my pain for too long.  I was so afraid of her, but now I look upon her and instead of seeing a depraved, dirty, lonely, scared shell… I see a beautiful, radiant angel, whose light is so bright my heart simply can’t even begin to express how much I love her. Without hesitation, she forgave me for being a coward for so long, and since I faced her I have been living out loud.  Yes, I’ve had some huge obstacles in my way, a few heart breaks, a few failures, one giant battle with death, but I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything.  That woman inside (she’s no longer a frail girl) is strong enough, tough enough, and brave enough to handle this world.  As long as I cling to her, I know we will survive.  That’s what we are, we are survivors.

Part of this living out loud is active living, which by definition means to actively be engaged in your life, in every area of your life – emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  It doesn’t mean you’re doing fantastic feats every day, it just simply means that every day you’re living in the moment, living in the day, and living to the best of your ability as you face your daily challenges.  Life is full of challenges.  It is full of temptations.  It is full of excuses.  We can find one for everything. We can make one for every fear we have.  But that isn’t fair to ourselves.  Living out loud and loving yourself means that you face your challenges.  You might not win them every day, but winning isn’t the marker of success or failure.  It’s the effort, the intent, the devotion, and dedication applied to facing those challenges that make us a success or failure, that determines if we truly are living out loud.

I’ve been working on trying to repair the damage I’ve done to my body during my years of depression and regression.  It’s hard. I wasn’t born with the genes that make it easy. Every day is a choice, a battle, and it requires a strong will, a determined mind, and a heart dedicated to seeing myself succeed.  I am tempted. I am afraid sometimes. I am weak at other times.  But, the more I love myself, the more determined I become.  The more success I taste, the more I want to taste.  The more dedicated I become, the more dedication I desire.  I’m not ruled by my desires anymore. I rule my desires.

Yes, it’s hard to get up at 5am every morning and get started.  It’s hard to say no to the foods that make my mouth water. It’s hard to not just cling to someone else’s strength so I don’t have to use my own. I know I’m never going to look like a supermodel, or one of those beautiful, slim, toned women on the front of fitness or fashion magazines, and I don’t try to look like them.  I don’t want to be them. I want to be a version of me that is healthy, that is active, that is strong, that is vibrant and who can do the things my heart wants to do and not be denied because I don’t have the physical or mental strength to accomplish them. I hate being denied.  So, yes… many mornings I want to cry and my mind makes a thousand excuses to roll over and go back to sleep, but that beautiful angel inside me, my own personal cheerleader, she nudges me and whispers to my soul, “I love you and you deserve to live out loud. Do it for us.”  That’s all it takes and I jump up, get dressed in my workout clothes, and take off. It’s what helps me deny that doughnut, or not gorge on that pot of beans, or feed my insecurities with foods that harm me.  I was slowly killing myself for years, and became a master of excuses to continue doing it. I was wrong.

Bottom line.  The secret to living out loud and actively living is loving yourself.  I love me. I don’t need anyone else to love me.  But when someone does choose to love me they receive one of the greatest gifts, a precious treasure, even if they don’t realize it.  They receive a pure love, a dedicated love, a devoted love, a determined love, a faithful love, a grateful love, a love that doesn’t take from them, but pours into them.  We are a lost and lonely world. I see it, I feel it, I recognize it in the many faces I see every day.  The majority seek to feel the emptiness inside through various outside sources – money, accomplishment, sex, drugs, food, shopping, music, extreme activities, pills, addictions, obsessions, competition, acceptance, religion, political causes, martyrdom, violence, … we’re all trying to save or destroy the world.  The only person we need to save is ourselves.  The person we often destroy is also ourselves. If we embrace who we truly are, loving the world becomes easy and living becomes an everyday part of life. Going to the laundry mat becomes an adventure, because all life is an adventure.

So, get up.  Get going. Set those goals. Put down the fucking doughnuts. Meet those challenges face to face. Start breathing. Start living. But don’t do it for any other reason than for yourself.  Don’t do it to fall in love with someone else. Fall in love with yourself and others will fall in love with you too.  Don’t do it to look good for someone else’s approval. Do it so that you feel beautiful and sexy for yourself, and then others will see you as beautiful and sexy.  Don’t do it to fit in and be like everyone else in order to feel accepted.  Embrace who you truly are, love all your nerdy, quirky, odd, crazy, and wild parts and let the rest of the world see you for who you truly are, not who you pretend. If they don’t see you or can’t see you, fuck ‘em. You don’t need them. Don’t be afraid to face the world alone, because if you can’t face the world alone, you’ll crumble under pressure trying to face it for someone else.  That’s not fair to you or to them. Don’t be afraid to walk alone, be afraid to not walk at all.  Walk. Go. Run. If anyone truly loves you for you, and can see you’re actively living out loud, they will want to walk with you.  But if they’re cowards and haven’t found their own strength, you can’t carry them. Keep walking. 

In a moment of despair, when I felt like the world’s worst failure, God whispered to my heart, “It’s not your job to save the world, it’s mine. Let go and let me love you. I made you to fly, so fly, Baby Girl, fly. Live, My Love, live, and live out loud. I gave you a voice so sing, sing of love, sing of life, sing of all I’ve poured into you and all that you are.”  That, my friends, is what I say to you all. 

Till next time,

~Song of T

My Livin’ Out Loud Formula - Healthy Eating

Many of you have followed me for years and have witnessed my journey into health and fitness.  Some of you are just cyberly meeting me for the first time. For those of you who don’t know me, you don’t know that I’m not the same person I was a few years ago… I’m a new person in body, mind, soul and spirit.  I’ve entered a new phase in my life, one that was a very hard change, a dramatic change, but a good change.  There have been a lot of mountains I’ve had to climb, and along the way so far I’ve done some very amazing things at I’ve crested some of those mountains, and have also found myself tumbled, tossed, and on my face at the bottom of others. But in all of them, I’ve been livin’ out loud as evidenced here on this blog; my high points and my low ones.

This morning I’m going to focus on health and fitness.  I’ve spent a lot of blogs on spiritual and emotional issues.  Health and fitness is very much spiritual and emotional, but I want to focus on the physical aspect today.  I’ve once again brought my focus back to my health.  I haven’t been ignoring my weight goals, I’ve just had the majority of my focus in other areas that needed more attention.  But, it’s that time again to bring back balance to my health and fitness aspect of this loud life. 

Balance is key to everything. I mean everything.  But today I’m going to focus on balance in diet and exercise.  I really hate the word diet, because I really don’t diet.  I have an eating lifestyle that works for my body.  I will admit I haven’t been faithful to my eating lifestyle because of many factors over the past 8-9 months because I’ve moved to another state, moved in with my best friend, and the many changes have just got me off schedule.  Yet, I’m getting back on schedule and slamming those ‘easy’ temptations out of my way.  It’s not about saying ‘no’ to the bad things, the foods that don’t work for your body, but about making sure your ‘yes’ are readily available so that your choice isn’t ‘no’ with no alternative. You should never forgo eating, exercising, or being active without a choice to make or else that’s just depravation and depravation leads to binge eating, failing at establishing a routine because you don’t see any physical results, and discouragement.  ALWAYS have a choice to make.  If you have fresh fruit readily available, it’s easier to forgo the donuts, especially when you remind yourself of the hard work you’ve done that week.  But, it’s almost impossible to forgo the donut if that’s the only thing quickly available. 

90% of the battle to eat healthy and be active is a mind game.  10% is determination.

Here are few tips to help you make those healthy decisions:

Ø  Use small dishes.  Get rid of your big bowls, big plates, big glasses.  Use salad plates as dinner plates, use small glasses (unless you’re drinking water – then it’s best to use a water bottle), and cook with small pots and pans.  You will be amazed at how much you will feel full when your small plate is full, yet in the RIGHT portion.  Portion is key.  Portion is balance.  90% of our bad eating habits isn’t always about WHAT we eat, but how much we eat.  If you can teach yourself how to eat the right portion, you can pretty much eat anything you want, because you won’t be overeating.

Ø  If you eat out, before you get your meal go ahead and ask for a ‘to go’ box and when your meal is served, go ahead and box up half or ¾ of the meal, and spread out the rest and then relax and enjoy what’s left on your plate.  Many times we keep eating what’s in front of us after we’ve reached that ‘full’ sensation in our bodies because it’s there and our minds are conditioned to clean our plates.  This leads to overeating and becoming unbalanced.  But if you do this simple step, you won’t have to ‘diet’ eating out, you just do it smart.

Ø  Select foods that work with your body.  Some of us are blessed with high metabolisms and can be more free with what we eat, while others have to be very selective because of slow metabolisms and be more selective.  Smart eating, knowing your body… truly knowing your body – not lying to yourself, will lead to more success in your journey to health and fitness.  Discover which foods help you, energize you, inspire you and work FOR you.  Learn to listen to your body and it’ll tell you want it needs – iron, protein, vitamins and energy.

Well, that’s all I have for you today.  I’ll try to touch base on some of the exercise tips next.  Just remember this if you take anything from this post today.  Your body is yours.  Don’t try to change your body to make anyone else happy, the world happy, or in order to feel beautiful.  Love yourself enough to want you to be the best you… for you.  Be the best, healthiest, most active, and happiest you… for YOU.  You are worth it.  It’s not about what size you are, how much you weigh, or how you look in a bikini.  Being healthy and happy is about lighting this inner radiance that can’t help but shine through you.  It’s about your essence, your Chi, and when this is in balance, beauty resonates within you and from you. 

Till next time,

Balanced Beauty

Mansion by NF (feat. Fleurie)

Someone very dear to me (thank you Jonathan Smith) sent me this song a couple weeks ago, and it’s not one that was easy for me to listen, more than that… it’s hard to hear. The first line caught my attention and then slammed me right into the middle of my own room in my own mansion.  I’ve actually tried NOT to listen to it.  It touches something inside me that I don’t like to give a moment, a second, or even part of a second.  However, there’s another effect this song is having on me too.  It’s sort of a release.  There’s still an anger, a hurt, a part of me that’s still deep inside fighting Fear and still scribbling on my blank walls.  It’s banging to be heard, to be felt, to be acknowledged because it really effects every part of me; every broken part of me. Dealing with this kind of pain isn’t something healed in a single ‘moment’ and then all’s good.  No, this is a life long journey.

“Insidious is blind inception
What's reality with all these questions?
Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)
Broken legs but I chase perfection
These walls are my blank expression
My mind is a home I'm trapped in
And it's lonely inside this mansion”

Wow.  I could just play that intro over and over and over and over, and find I’ve only just begun.  And the following words NF releases throughout this song is like he pulled them right out of my own basement, right out of the darkest part of my soul, the part that still bleeds. Let me be clear, I’m not coming from a place of anger, but a place of pain. Not as a victim, but as a survivor.  It’s not about blame, it’s about healing.

“Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in lyrics
They're all over the place, there's songs in the mirrors
Written all over the floors, all over the chairs
And you get the uncut version of life when I go downstairs
That's where I write when I'm in a bad place and need to release
And let out the version of NF you don't want to see
I put holes in the walls with both of my fists 'til they bleed
You might get a glimpse of how I cope with all this anger in me”

I’m a wordsmith, but I can’t even begin to express the imagery that clicked with this first verse. It’s like NF just kicked open a locked door, white light spilling into a dark room, exposing a small, broken little girl huddled into a dark corner, scribbling more dark lines on a dark room already covered floor to ceiling with words… words of pain, words of hope, words of fear, words of love, words scribbled over and over and over.   

“Physically abused, now that's the room that I don't want to be in
That picture ain't blurry at all, I just don't want to see it
And these walls ain't blank, I just think I don't want to see 'em
But why not? I'm in here, so I might as well read 'em
I gotta thank you for this anger that I carry around
Wish I could take a match and burn this whole room to the ground
Matter of fact I think Ima burn this room right now
So now this memory for some reason just won't come down”

Shit!  I thought burning the house down would stop the nightmares, but it didn’t.  Flames might have burned a physical building and given me a peace when I smell the scent of burning wood, but it didn’t clear the room in my mind. I don’t despise this room.  It is a place where my gift flows, where my pain goes, and where my soul grows.  This song says so much, I don’t need to say more myself.

“Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in pain
See my problem is I don't fix things
I just try to repaint, cover em up, like it never happen
Say I wish I could change. Are you confused?
Come upstairs and I'll show you what I mean
This room's full of regrets, just keeps getting fuller it seems
The moment I walk in to it is the same moment that I wanna leave
I get sick to my stomach every time I look at these things
But it's hard to look past when this is the room where I sleep”

“But I should just stop now, we ain't got enough room in this song
And I regret the fact that I struggled trying to find who I am
And I lie to myself and say I do the best that I can
Shrug it off like it ain't nothing like it’s out of my hands
Then get ticked off whenever I see it affecting my plans
And I regret watching these trust issues eat me alive
And at the rate I'm going they'll probably still be there when I die
Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind
The question is, will I ever clean the walls off in time?”

“So this part of my house, no one's been in it for years
I built the safe room and I don't let no one in there
'Cause if I do, there's a chance
That they might disappear and not come back
And I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside
So I just leave my doors locked
You might get other doors to open up but this doors not
'Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me
And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me
I'm barricaded inside
So stop watching
I'm not coming to the door
So stop knocking, stop knocking
I'm trapped here
God keep saying I'm not locked in
I chose this
I am lost in my own conscience
I know that shutting the wall down ain't solving the problem
But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve ´em
I built it because I thought that it would be safer in there
But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's living in here
Fear came to my house years ago I let 'em in
Maybe that's the problem
'Cause I've been dealing with this ever since
I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious he never did
He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in
Now I'm in the position it's either sit here and let him win
Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can
'Cause in order to do that I'd have to open the doors
Is that me or the fear talking?
I don't know anymore”

I’m here and I’m still writing, but Fear doesn’t keep me trapped inside anymore. He still haunts me, still taunts me, still exposes my own scribbled lines, and he’s still slamming doors, but he doesn’t control me anymore.  I’m no longer afraid to read my own lines. I can read my walls, see the pictures I don’t like to see, because there’s a bright light within me that illuminates them all. I can run my fingers over them, for all these lines have made me who I am.  What I see now is a beam of refracted light, filled with all the colors of my imagination, shining over those thick black lines. Making them come alive, making them sing a new verse. I no longer huddle in a corner, but I dance all around like a beautiful ballerina, ‘cause my legs ain’t broke anymore.

“Insidious is blind inception
What's reality with all these questions?
Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)
Broken legs but I chase perfection
These walls are my blank expression
My mind is a home I'm *not* trapped in
And it's *no longer* lonely inside this mansion”

I thank NF for writing this song, for being brave enough to allow us a small glimpse inside his mansion, his mind, his heart.  I’m sure this song will always have a special room inside my mind. I thank Jon for introducing me to this song and I hope he finds his own courage to face his own room. I hope we all do.

Till next time,

~Angel of Light

Encourage Yourself

I started writing another heart-wrenching blog post this morning, because in truth, my heart is aching something bad right now.  But, after I wrote all those words, tears streaming down my face, a huge lump in my throat, I wiped my face and took a deep breath, and deleted the whole post.  It doesn’t matter. Those words don’t matter.  Those thoughts don’t matter.  They don’t change anything.

But, what WILL change things, what does matter is filling my heart, my mind, and my soul with positive thoughts. Remembering my dreams and the things I want to do in my life, those things will fuel me. They won’t take the pain away, but they’ll help dry the tears and push me forward. 

What we put into our minds, what we listen to, what thoughts we entertain, form our thoughts and effect the things we do, the choices we make, the fears we let consume us.  I’m a rebel. I often act against those fears, in spite of them, face those things that scare me most.  I just wish the rest of the world did the same. I don’t allow the world to tell me how to feel, what to do, what is the right way to go.  The world has been wrong. It’s always wrong.  Listening to the thoughts of the world has hurt me more than I’ll ever be able to express. Cowards. The world is full of cowards.

Today is a new day. Yesterday is gone.  The sun has risen once again and I choose to live. I start a new phase at work today, and it seems a new phase in life. Even though my heart hurts something terrible, I choose to smile, I choose to focus on the positive, I choose to tell the world to go fuck itself and take its doubt, depression and double-minded desires with it. I don’t need its bullshit.  Instead I will fill it with beautiful words of encouragement.

“Don’t cry over the past, it’s gone. Don’t stress about the future, it hasn’t arrived. Live in the present moment, make it beautiful.”

“There are two ways of spreading light, be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.”

“So, take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.”

“A beautiful life begins with a beautiful mind.”

“Ships in the harbor are safe, but that’s not what ships were built for.”

We tell ourselves that we must do this, we must do that, we must love this way or think that way. It’s all bullshit.  EVERY moment of every day we have a choice, and in that moment NONE of the world’s bullshit matters.  Regardless of the shit I’ve had to deal with in the past, regardless of the shape my heart is in, regardless of how shattered I am… IN THE MOMENT… this moment is all that matters. The choices I make right now… to love, to not love, to hate, to forgive, to doubt, etc.  THAT is who I am. 

I choose ME.  For no one else will.

“What we are today is the result of our own past actions; whatever we wish to be in the future depends on our present actions; decide how you have to act now. We are responsible for what we are, whatever we wish ourselves to be. We have the power to make ourselves.”

We choose to believe. We choose not to believe. We choose to fight. We choose to run. We choose to love. We choose to hate. We choose to forgive.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s to fight. Fight for what’s right. Fight for what you believe in, what’s important to you. But most importantly, fight for the ones you love, and never forget to tell anyone how much they mean to you while they’re still alive.”

Someday, someone will believe I’m worth fighting for, too. That day’s not today, but someday.

“I want to be your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.”

“If you think positively, sound becomes music, movement becomes dance, smile becomes laughter, mind becomes meditation, and life becomes a celebration.”

In the midst of pain, in the darkest moment of despair, hope still lives and love still remains. I’ll never apologize for loving. I’ll never regret taking the chance.  I’ll never look back on my life and say, ‘only if’. I have fallen. I have tasted rejection. I have hurt to the deepest part of my soul, but I have no regrets. I am a lot of things, but I’m not a coward. I’m a fool.

“Three simple rules in life.  1. If you do not go after what you want; you’ll never have it. 2. If you do not ask, the answer will always be No.  3.  If you do not step forward, you’ll always be in the same place.”

Waiting for something to happen. Waiting to heal. Waiting to love. Waiting to explore. Waiting to have an adventure. Waiting for success. Waiting for forgiveness. Waiting for dreams. Waiting for happiness.  Leaves only one thing… you waiting.  None of those things just finds you… you have to fight for each one of them. You have to choose them. You have to want them. You have to face your fears and take them.

Till next time,

Black-Eyed Beauty

Weaver of Words

Sometimes it seems my life is stuck in a rut and refuses to move either to the left or right, keeping me circling the same tree over and over and over again. Other times it moves so fast I think if I blink I’m going to miss the thousands of things flying by in a rapid pace. That seems to be the way it’s been these last few weeks. So many new things have happened I can barely recognize my life or what it had been just a couple months ago.

With all the thousands of ideas moving in, out and around me, I’m taking a quick step back to see if I notice a pattern. I usually can’t see the image when I’m up close or right in the middle of a thought. Some pictures need a wider view. So, what are these patterns I’ve been noticing? What are the words, thoughts, and meditations that’s been coursing through my mind of late? What do they mean? What are they trying to tell me? Where do they lead? Most importantly, which ones do I listen to and which do I ignore? Whew, I’m getting a bit overwhelmed just thinking about them.

I’ve been on a journey lately, one of the mind, most importantly, one of the soul. My imagination has been soaring to distant worlds, floating on different planes, seeking wisdom and enlightenment in understanding. Here are some of the quotes that have motivated me lately. Here are few words of wonder.

~

“Sometimes you have to stop being scared and just go for it. Either it will work out, or it won’t. That’s life.”

“Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.”

“Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.”

“The Buddhists say if you meet someone and your heart pounds, your hands shake, and your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your soul mate, you’ll feel calm. No anxiety. No agitation.”

“Find someone you can be completely free with; sexually, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and cosmically, and go freaking WILD.”

“Find a heart that will love you at your worst and arms that will hold you at your weakest.”

“You cannot force someone to comprehend a message that they are not ready to receive. Still, you must never underestimate the power of planting a seed.”

“I’m very picky with whom I give my energy to. I prefer to reserve my time, intensity and spirit exclusively to those who reflect sincerity.”

“We’re so busy studying and seeking to find our life’s mission, let us not forget to look around and simply ask, “How can I help?”

“I admire people who choose to shine even after all the storms they’ve been through.”

“I love you neither with my heart nor my mind. My heart might stop, and my mind can forget. I love you with my soul because my soul never stops or forgets.”

“A person’s actions will tell you everything you need to know.”

“You deserve the love you keep trying to give everyone else.”

“I don’t want a perfect life; I want a happy life.”

“Whatever you do, never run back to what broke you.”

“On this road called life, you have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had. Always forgive, but never forget. Learn from mistakes, but never forget. People change. Things go wrong. But just remember, the ride goes on.”

“When you connect with people who are good for you, you feel it. This is a big deal. Don’t forget to acknowledge how great it is to be around someone who lights you up. Tell them, even if you feel a little weird. Your people love your weirdness.”

“When you kiss someone and you stop kissing them for second and smile, and then kiss again… I can’t think of something more beautiful than that.”

“Let your weird light shine bright so the other weirdos know where to find you.”

“I think it’s important to realize you can miss something and not want it back.”

“You don’t know this new me; I put back my pieces differently.”

~

I think you’re starting to get the picture. Well, I hope I’m able to get the picture, because those are some amazing clues. I’m still digesting, still trying to wrap my mind around what it all means, what it’s trying to tell me, what I need to hear. I may not know the whole extent of it at this moment, but I already know it’s all good.

I’ve smiled more in the last few weeks than I have in a very long time. Sometimes I get a little sad when I think back to other times I used to smile so much it made my cheeks hurt. Those times, those memories, those associated with those memories will always be precious to me. But, this is a new day, a new time, and a new season to smile. I’ve cried enough. Joy comes with the morning, and baby… the sun is rising.

“I’ve got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine.”

I don’t know what tomorrow holds. I don’t know what’s in store for me. Maybe it’s a great adventure. Maybe it’s a great love affair. Maybe it’s a new page to a new story. Whatever it is, however weird it is, I’m ready and I want it.

Till next time,

~Weaver of Words of Wonder

Where the Dead Things Are

*New original short story Where the Dead Things Are© by T.L. Gray  - Part One

My Mama once told me, "If a man only wants to see you when the sun goes down, he's a vampire. Baby, run away. He'll bite you, leave you all mesmerized until he drains you of everything that makes you alive, and then he'll toss you into his collection of other dead things." She told me that once while braiding my hair. I remember looking into a dirty, smoke-stained mirror, watching vacant eyes stare off at nothing with a cigarette hanging out the side of pale thin lips. I can still see those small jagged lines along the edges displaying leftover bits of dark red lip stick. She looked younger when she smiled, but she hardly ever smiled.

Of course, my wild imaginative mind took the story literally to heart and in my youthful naivety found myself fascinated with the supernatural; vampires especially. Then after Mama died a few years later, I became obsessed with stories about death. However, I look back on that moment and realize she wasn’t talking about vampires at all, not really. I never thought Mama had much sense, but as I’ve met my own sort of vampire and found myself struggling to climb out of this cavernous pit of death, I now realize she was much deeper than I ever gave her credit.

Looking down at the shimmering Vodka, I see my dark red lipstick mark along the glass lip and can’t stop Mama’s words from echoing in the deep part of my mind. How did I get here? When did I lose myself and turn into Mama? Where had my soul gone? Will I find it among all the dead things?

I can tell you the exact moment, the particular hour, the definitive minute everything changed. It all started with the sound of tires slowly crunching over gravel as he pulled into my driveway. My heart started beating so fast I thought it would literally jump out my chest. It sounded too loud and I wondered if he’d be able to hear it. I quickly checked my underarms for moisture, because I was nervous as a chicken in a fox hole. My body may have been hot, but thank goodness I was dry and smelled like fresh flowers. My cinnamon breath caught as I gasped, almost letting out a small squeal as I heard the car door open and then close again. I never heard the engine at all. It’s like he floated in on a dream.

With shaky legs, I walked out the French doors that led to my patio-porch, and then to the privacy gate. He’d parked his car just on the other side. I could see the light green hue of his exterior between the fence slats before I caught a glimpse of him. It was only a slither of a glance of one of his long, bronze skinny legs sticking out a pair of basketball shorts, but I was transfixed. I tried to calm my breath as I opened the gate, but there was no controlling it. I’d lost it completely. It evaporated from my lungs altogether when my gaze locked onto those dark, brown, mesmerizing eyes and that soft crooked smile. The setting sun behind me cast a golden spotlight on his beautiful caramel skin, highlighting his chiseled face, full lips, and aura of authority. He looked like a god bathed in glory and I felt myself wanting to fall to my knees in worship. I mean I literally felt like falling when my knees suddenly buckled beneath me. I had to grab the wooden gate to keep the ground from jumping up and slapping me in the face.

Sometimes I wonder if he knew the effect he had on me. I doubted it, but I often wondered, still do. He always had a way of bringing the hidden things out of me, and reflecting my own image back at me when I tried so hard to focus on his. He didn’t have one. He was a mystery, yet something I understood without words, without explanation, and I loved him deeply. I still do. But he left me where the dead things are, tossed me to the side once he’d drained me of all the vibrant life I had once held. But I’m not without hope, not without magic. That’s what’s brought me to this bar in the middle of nowhere. I’m trying to escape, trying to save the last bit of my soul, trying to put some distance between me and him so that I may one day find the strength to resist him, breaking the power he has over me, and crawl out of this place of dead things. He doesn’t want me, but doesn’t want to let me go either.

I threw back the shot of vodka, feeling the burn all the way down my throat and settle into the emptiness of my stomach. Alcohol on an empty stomach always hurt, but it also helped the numbness rush in faster. I glanced down at my watch and realized the sun had surely already set outside. I needed to be on my way. He’d be able to find me. If he ever found me, I know I’d never have the strength to resist him. I pulled the small wad of twenty dollar bills I’d kept in my front jeans pocket. Slapped one down on the bar and then threw back the last of three shots I’d ordered. I wiped my soft lips with the back of my shaking hand and walked out of that dead place filled with other dead people, into a city where all the dead things are. Yet, I’m a survivor, and though too faint to hear, my heart still beats.