Echoes in the Well of Silence

 

Echos in the Well of Silence

 

There’s a lot going on in our society today.  For some people, it’s a bit overwhelming and quite alarming.  If you watch any sort of news, you will hear the fearmongering happening every day, and everywhere.  For the first time in a long time, I’m smiling. There’s an awakening happening, but let’s not get that confused with the current classification of “woke.” In the words of Tom MacDonald, there’s a lot of “Fake Woke” ideology in our society and it’s hurting everyday people. 

We, as a majority in American culture, over the past several years, have been locked down, cancelled, infringed, persecuted, fired, dis-enfranchised, received strikes, bans, cancellations and silenced on social media, in all major media platforms, in our schools, our government, our jobs, and even down at the community volunteer center.

I’m an Independent.  I believe in social freedoms, but I also believe in personal responsibility.  I believe in God. I believe in family. I believe in loving one another. I believe in helping my neighbor.  But, most of all I believe in freedom to stand up for or against the things that I believe hurt or harm my planet, my country, my neighborhood, my family, or myself. I’m neither right nor left, conservative nor progressive, Republican nor Democrat.  And all this division needs to stop.

I smile every time I see someone standing up to the ‘system’ that has been crushing our communities, our families, our country, our government, and our citizens. Big Medicine, Big Corp, Big Tech, Big Government.  Our economy is hurting everyone, from the largest corporations to the smallest mom & pop shop around the corner.  Families are struggling to put food on the table, pay their rent or mortgage, keep jobs at companies that are facing supply-chain issues, put gas in vehicles so they can get to or preform the jobs that pay their bills and supports their families, keep the lights on, the internet going, feed the livestock or farmer’s fields that fills the grocery stores.  We have issues with drugs, crime, homelessness, But I rarely see – balanced solutions.

I love my planet, and I want to do everything I reasonably can to protect the environment, the animals and people who live on this planet now, and for the generations to come.  However, having witnessed how much our innovation and technology has evolved just over the past century, I have full confidence we are going to figure out how we can save them all. I believe that with all assurance.  I have faith in the minds of humanity that we will, “figure it out!”  But I will never support the current suffrage of humanity or creatures in actions purported and supported by fear.  I will not throw money at unreasonable solutions that cause more harm than good – due to emotional fear of “if we don’t’ do this NOW – we won’t be around in 1000 years.  Sorry, but while we can take a ‘step’ in the right direction to correct or move toward more viable solutions, we don’t pull the support out of the current system that supports the citizens of this country today. So, when you tell me I must sacrifice my livelihood, the ability to take care of my family for a program that ‘may’ improve our world or society in 1000 years – I want to scream, “Where is your faith, O’ hypocrite?”  As Ben Shapiro once said, “Facts don’t care about your feelings.”

 I love my fellow human beings.  I don’t care if your gay or straight, black or white, young or old, male or female, smart or creative, musical or analytical, Christian or Jew, Atheist or humanist, native or immigrant, or if you decide to be a rainbow unicorn on Tuesdays.  We all have our differences, and as American Citizens, we have the Constitutional inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  That doesn’t mean we have the right to force someone else to adhere to our choices or beliefs. We are a Democratic Republic – where “We the People” have fought for and voted for the laws that govern our citizens.  Some laws change as society changes, but not the indelible rights.  We are a culture that is a melting pot from all walks of humanity.  That is something of which to be proud.  With it comes its own set of issues – because we all have differences. 

It breaks my heart when I see people being silenced if their ‘opinion” doesn’t match with the popular status quo.  The exchange of different idea, different views, different perspectives is what makes us strong. Again, to paraphrase Tom MacDonald, “There’s a difference between hate speech and speech that you hate.”  Silencing opposition is ONLY about control – not the free exchange of ideas.  It’s cowardly to try and silence opposition, to suppress facts that empowers our citizens. I’ve been there – done that – and all it caused was hate and division.  I’m not afraid of opinions that differ from my own, because I’ve matured enough as a person to be confident that opposing opinions don’t frighten me. 

Watching the floor of the House recently debate one another when they didn’t agree – I find completely refreshing.  If there’s no debate, then there’s no exchange of ideas, and we are all sheep.  We, as a society, have been beat into submission for so long, I’ve often wondered, where are the Patrick Henry’s of our time, who will stand up and proclaim against the system, “Give me Liberty of give me death?” Where are the Reagan’s who are bold enough of to proclaim, “Tear down this wall!” We silence them, deplatformed and banned them on all social media.  We cry out for the rights of our criminals and forget about the suffering of the victims.  We are quick to call people names, judge them, demand their jobs, their careers, or put them in boxes if they don’t follow the popular quo, post the popular memes, become a part of the most recent popular movements.

There’s a lot of yelling and gnashing of teeth in our society – but we all are suffering beneath the Sound of Silence.  Simon and Garfunkel warned us – yet we have not heard the writing of the Prophets on the subway walls or tenement halls.  We witness the suffering every day– yet we bite down on our lips and grit our teeth.

But, today I smile – because I’m hearing the soft echoes of a few voices in the wilderness.  “Independent” artists, content creators, social media influencers, pod casters, small business owners, innovators and everyday people who do not choose the easy path, who do not live to earn money, understand who they are and what they believe, but most of all …follow a mission.  Money is important – you will starve without it.  But the purpose behind what we do is more important than how much money we can make doing it. Do not put your talent into the ground, so that you show your master you can save what he gave you.  Invest your talent, your heart, and your vision into a mission – whether you succeed or fail to make ‘money’, you will have already won and you will have peace. There will be hard days – many of them, I’m sure.  But, even in the hardest day – purpose and mission will drive us, inspire us, and gives us the strength to keep going.

The journey is what gives our life purpose – not the things that will one day turn to rust and dust.    I understand the fight Steven Crowder is fighting – and if you think it’s about money – you haven’t read the Prophet’s warnings on the subway walls. I understand Tom MacDonald and his fight against the system to stay Independent.  If you think his journey is about money and not the mission – you haven’t read the Prophet’s warnings on the tenement halls.  You’re still in the dark, talking without speaking, hearing without listening, writing songs that voices never share, and you do not dare to disturb the sound of Silence. Will these words, like silent raindrop fall and echo in the wells of Silence? I really hope not.

 

Til next time,

~T.L. Gray

#SoundofSilence #Simon&Garfunkle #StevenCrowder #TomMacDonald #PatrickHenry #RonaldReagan #Independent #SocialIssues

Controversy vs. Vision

Controversy vs. Vision

 

WARNING: The following blog post will probably hurt your feeling, offend you, or lead to some cyber bullying because the content will be a bit controversial.  I’m at a point in my life  - at one of those levels where I’m done shaking my head, gritting my teeth, and trying to hold my mouth shut as tight as I can.  I’m done. What am I being silent for? Afraid to lose friends? Afraid to be cancelled? Afraid to be bullied or attacked for having an opinion? Nah, it’s none of those things.  If you have had the opportunity to get to know me – if you’ve been reading my story, my blogs at any time over the past decade, then you know where I came from, you know who I am, and you sure as hell know I’m not afraid of what anyone could do to me .  Nah.  Truth - I’m afraid of what I can do …to you.

I love humanity.  I truly honestly do.  I’m an orphan and never really had a place I could call home.  I made a place for my kids for a while, but I never had anywhere to run. I can relate to NF – I built my own mansion in my mind – and my truth is written all over those walls. My art – my paintings, my pictures, my music, and my writing – those blank pages and canvases are my therapy sessions.  I love humanity, but very rarely ever felt it love me back. I am not apathetic or indifferent for anyone – even for those who’ve hurt and abused me.  I don’t trust them, don’t want them in my life, will protect and separate myself from them – but I care, and I’m affected emotionally.  The love of God dwells within me. But, I hold a sword and I know how to use it, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Hate is a passionate feeling. Love is a passionate feeling.  Indifference is a lack of either. Respect and Disrespect is a state of being. Society should pick up a dictionary every once in a while, because they are throwing around words in the wrong contexts – starting arguments, leading to offenses and dividing us. 

This pandemic has really affected me, and I’m sure many others, in a weird way.  I can’t speak for everyone else – only myself. Not only did I get really sick (I caught Covid early in April last year – and having fought breast cancer a few years before – I’m high risk) and for a minute – thought I might check out of this place, but due to disinformation, fear-mongering by our media and environment, and the whole world jumping through hoops shutting everything down, panic-buying, and political grand-standing, I honestly became paralyzed and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t trust any of them – either side – or any of the information pouring in – because the following week would prove the earlier thoughts wrong.  My life went on pause.  My job sent me into isolation to work from home – my son shipped off to the Navy – and the world starting spinning off kilter – there was a paradigm shift. I stopped …everything. I stopped meeting up with my friends (social-distancing), going out to eat, going to events, running 5-ks, cancelled my gym membership, going to the movies, concerts, stopped visiting the nursing homes and feeding the hungry at soup kitchens or passing our MREs to those on the streets. I stopped writing, painting, or playing music.  If it wasn’t for my work going through a lot of changes to accommodate all these restrictions and changes, and my boyfriend moving in with me, I don’t want to think how far down what rabbit hole of oppression and depression I would have wandered.

But, as with the seasons – and that WAS a season – I’m coming into a new one.  And I’m noticing things in the world that shock the hell out of me, and then when the idiocy is happening over and over and over and over again and again – I’m starting to stir.  This sleeping giant is waking. And there are a few things vibrating in the universe that is helping with that awakening, and it would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge them.

So here goes – WARNING – WARNING – WARNING - for those easily offended, unable to see things from different points of views, or you’re an activist of some kind, or a troll – go ahead and stop reading now.  The following will include social, political, musical and religious content and I’m sure something will offend you.  

Let me get some facts out there and out of the way – so those easily offended and put people in boxes to cancel, here’s your red pen:

I am not a Democrat or a Republican – I am an Independent.  I am an American. I am a social liberal and fiscal conservative – believe in small government and don’t believe you can legislate morality.  I care about the American people, not a political party.  I do believe in equality for religion, race, gender, and sexual orientation – but I don’t believe in bullshit rules that deny those rights in others of different religion, race, gender or sexual orientation. I’m in the center and I hate the division in our country.  I deal with issues – not wings.  Both wings are on the same bird.

I am educated.  I hold a Master’s Degree.  I am a published author, editor, and literary agent.  I have worked in the professional world for almost 30 years, owned my own business, and understand laws, economics, and hard work. NOTHING was given to me – I had to fight for every single bit of it. It’s not a result of heritage or white privilege. I was a poor white Jewish girl. Been on my own since 16, no parents, no welfare, received no scholarships and owe no student debt. My education and work was purchased in sacrifice, blood, sweat and many, many, many tears. I’m not rich, but I take care of myself and am not in debt.

I am a woman.  I am a Jew who accepts Jesus Christ as Messiah.  I am strong in my faith. I am not religious and cuss words will fly out of my mouth like a sailor.  I say what I want and know how I feel, and what I believe.  I don’t proselytize (that’s shove my faith down everyone else’s throats). I have studied many faiths – and have actually worked in the Christian Ministry for a period in my life.  However, I hold personal views that conflict with the mainstream religious community – because I care about the people – not the religion. I know what it feels like to be judged, hated, discriminated and disenfranchised. I know what it’s like to be persecuted for my sex, my faith and my skin color. I don’t appropriate any culture. I’m not racist, I have the most beautiful mixed grandbaby in the world – and I’d probably beat your ass if she were threatened.  I am extremely prejudiced.  I don’t like liars, thugs, thieves, or fake woke assholes.  I believe we have cultural issues plaguing our society as a whole – on all the color spectrums.

I care about women’s rights.  I care about equality. I care about freedom. I also care about personal responsibility and accountability. I respect rights. I respect life.  So, I’m just saying – don’t put me in a box because I promise I’ll surprise you.  I don’t follow the status quo of all these issues.  I take each one individual and make decisions and opinions based on personal understanding and experience.  I weigh facts.

Okay – that should be enough about me – so those new to the blog will at least have some idea where I come from when I’m expressing my opinions.      

Now to get to the heart of this blog post - Controversy vs. Vision.  I’m not sure mainstream society even understands the difference between the two – or even begins to understand the latter.  Then again – does mainstream society even know how to recognize which pieces they are on the chess board? I don’t think they do – and I don’t think they truly understand they’re even on the board, or that there’s a power game being played around them. If you call them a pawn, they take offense and shut down therefore allowing the opposition to come in and wipe them out as a sacrificial piece.  Lost you already? I’m sure I’ve lost some – but that’s okay. 

There are other pieces on this black and white checkered board, and one of them is a piece I often use to win most of the games I’ve played and that’s the Knight. Knights don’t move forward or backward, diagonal or in straight lines, they don’t act like the rest of the pieces.  Those with vision in our society are Knights. I’m seeing some Knights lately in different areas on this world. I’m seeing them in a psychologists that’s not afraid to speak up to talk about how dangerous many of the social decisions are affecting our world.  There are some political Knights outside of mainstream media “cancel culture” – going outside their platforms to speak truth.  There’s Knights speaking up against the social media, big tech, and entertainment industries interfering and inciting racial and political divides, most often losing their jobs, wrecking their careers, and being cyber bullied to the point of destruction.

I’ve come across a couple knights lately, one is a rap artist and the other is his girlfriend who is a videographer and artist herself. I don’t listen to rap music.  The only other rap artists I’ve liked is NF – because of his message on how he deals with the abuse in his life.  I related.  He touched my heart.  But, this new rapper, Tom MacDonald, and his girlfriend, Nova Rockafeller, have me nodding my head in agreement and stirring up embers of passion inside. They inspire me, not just their songs – which are works of art lyrically, musically and artistically, and I plan to do a series of blog posts breaking down their music at a later date, but their work ethic, their business choices and their FREEDOM is what has got my skin prickling with excitement.  They’re not bound by the restrictions of a record label, big tech, or social platforms.  They are completely independent – so they are free – they can do what they want and say what they say – and cancel culture can’t censor them.   Because they’re spitting TRUTH that is relevant today – it’s resonating with their listeners, and that makes them unstoppable.  They’re bold.  They’re flipping the finger off at everybody that tells them they can’t, or finds their truth offensive. They refuse to take no for an answer or apologize for taking a stand.  But what is most inspiring is that they hold true to their message regardless of public response and criticism.  Often their lives are threatened for their statements – yet they keep going.  There’s nothing to stop them – no label to control them, no sponsors to drop them, so social media platform to block them.   They’re not YouTube rappers, Click bait responders - they own their own masters, cameras, merchandise and brand.  They have no manager, publicist, or agent.  They do their own bookings, their own media, their own merchandise … and their own songs.  They write their own music, create their own videos - they are their own label, their own brand.  THAT is the greatest example of Entrepreneurship I’ve seen in a long time.  It wasn’t given to them – they have worked hard for it over the past 10 years to get where they have now arrived.

They’re doing something that even our former and current President and political leaders can’t do.  Not even the Queen of England is safe from these bishops - these “Cancelled”, “Fake-Woke”, “People So Stupid”, with “Clown World” mentality.  I feel like screaming, “Hey You!” like Nova and flipping my own finger at this over-sensitive, fear-mongering news stations,  Dr. Suess hatin’, Circumcising Mr. Potato Head, cancel Gina Carano, no Normal in Dove, race-batin’, Me-Too, everybody’s a victim, boys in girls’ sports – society that wants to control us – and every aspect in our lives.   As Shapiro pointed out, “Fact don’t have feelings.”  And Peterson said it well, “No one gets away with anything, ever, so take responsibility for your own life.”

Those are just a few knights I’ve come across lately, and they are all busy stirring up a lot of controversy, but not because they are controversial.  They’re controversial because they’re visionaries.  Their eyes are open and they’re free – this whole cancel culture has come hard after all of them, not because they are spouting hate speech, but because they speak what SOME people hate.  (That’s a play on one of MacDonald’s songs.) Ol’ MacDonald has a farm …full of H.O.G.s. Oink! Oink!

I’m intrigued.  I want to see where this couple goes, how far into the game they progress.  I want more.  I wish them the very best – I hope their swords are sharp.  I see their marketing, I understand the game they’re playing.  They’ve made some good bold moves lately – but the game isn’t over – there’s still some powerful players on the board. Don’t over-estimate over-looked Pawns, they can lead to a downfall.  Be strong. Be smart.  The message is clear and it’s a good one. Stay true.

It’s good to be back.  I’m moving into a new location this weekend, but you better believe I’m coming back in full-swing.  You’ll be seeing a lot more of me.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

 

Tom MacDonald links below:

https://www.hangovergang.com

https://www.instagram.com/hangovergang

https://spoti.fi/2BoWXIq

https://apple.com/2BoXzhjhttps://www.facebook.com/tomMacDonalOfficial

https://twitter.com/IAmTomMacDonald



Jordan Peterson links:

https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/



Ben Shapiro



https://www.dailywire.com

On Pause ...Resume

 

My last blog post a few months ago was about feeling like my life has been put on pause – and it was, but it wasn’t, but I realize it had been because now it’s on resume.  It didn’t stop – it just moved, turned with the changes that came.

NOTHING is the same that it was six months ago.  I’m not the same as I was just six months ago.  Our world is not the same that it was six months ago.

The part of me I want resumed more than anything is my writing.  I miss it. I feel like I’ve betrayed it somehow, that I’ve neglected it and left it sitting in the dust somewhere. 

So, now that I’ve moved my office out of my living room – and set up my home office once again for my writing, I’m hoping my gift will forgive me and be there for me, and help me get back to what I really love.

I’ve been on pause long enough. It’s time to start over – to start again.

My son is now a Sailor in the Navy.

Covid-19 has gotten on my last nerve and I have no more tolerance or patience.

Work is back at the office where it belongs.

I’m in a relationship with someone I love and who I believe loves me.

So, it’s time.

Until tomorrow,

~T.L. Gray

On Pause

I constantly feel like I’m on pause.  My life plans, my goals, my dreams, and even my privacy and space is always sacrificed for someone or something else. The sad part, I’m the one in control. I’m the one that keeps giving up my time, my space, my heart, my dreams and my goals – for others.

How do I fight for me? How do I take back my life? How do I protect it from being hijacked again?

Who is in control of my pause button? 

Until tomorrow,

~T.L. Gray

Recovery and Hope

Good morning, world. We are a different place today than we were just a few weeks ago. It’s a worrisome time, and not one death is unimportant. Not ONE.  All lives matter.   Life is precious.  Life is not guaranteed.  There is no rule that states that if we do this – or do that – our life is guaranteed.  There is no promise for a tomorrow. BUT – there is hope.

If we’ve learned anything from this COVID-19 virus is that’s we are all connected, we do not live on our own island and the world around us can’t or don’t affect us.  Yes, it does.  We are all part of the societal machine – we all effect the world around us in either in a negative or positive way, but we are all ‘essential’. 

In my recovery from this nasty virus, I can’t help but worry about the world around me.  Yes, I’m stressed like everyone else. Yes, I’m worried about the financial, social, and environmental effect this nasty virus is having on me, my family, and my neighbors.  Yes, I’m worried about the ultimate cost - not just of the direct effects of this virus – all the needless deaths, but of the emotional damage.  Those numbers are not just numbers – those are our neighbors, friends, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, daughters and sons that are dying.  This virus isn’t racist or prejudiced and attacks everyone, so it will require everyone in order to combat and kill it.

I am in recovery. My body is strong and it was the only weapon I had against this virus.  There is no antiviral, there are no antibiotics, and there is no cure.  All I could do was treat symptoms and help my body fight as hard as it could from this horrible enemy inside me.  My body is winning and my amazing and miraculous machine is producing its own natural antibodies destroying the enemy within and building up a protective immunity that will help me stay strong as this nasty bug continues to circulate through our world.

My heart breaks for those who had family and loved ones who did not overcome their battle.  All of them were precious lives.  I’ve been in a very strict quarantine, not just to protect myself as I fight this virus, but to protect others around me. There is hope. We will recover …from this virus.  Now, I must have hope we as a society will recover from the grief and pain of our loss.

Let us all love each other, be considerate of each other, and remember that we are all essential in our roles as neighbors. 

~T.L. Gray

Directions

Directions

Ever had a destination, a goal, an objective, or something that needed to get done or somewhere you needed to be in life?  I can tell you won’t arrive by accident, it won’t happen on its own power, and I still haven’t figured out how to teleport like Harry Potter, so more than likely neither have you. No, the only way we can get to a particular goal/destination is directions.  We need directions. We need a road-map to the destination of our goals. 

I like to think of myself somewhat a gypsy, but that’s only wishful thinking.  I’m strategic, analytical, observant, scientific, and rational.  My free spirit I leave to my painting, but even in that – it’s still organized, planned, and executed.  Okay, I take it back. I’m NOTHING like a gypsy.   

I have goals. If this damned pandemic doesn’t kill me, there’s still a lot of things left that I want to do, and the only way I know how to get them done, the only way that I’ve achieved the goals and destinations before this – was to make a plan and then carefully map out the directions to achieve the end goal. 

So, I think it’s time I start making those plans again.  My problem isn’t that I don’t have any dreams, any plans, any wants, or any destinations, but that I have too many and need to make a decision and narrow them down. 

It’s time.

One of those goals – is get back to this blog. 

Here we go – step one – I blogged today.

Next direction in my goal for blogging – blog tomorrow. 

Until tomorrow,

~T.L. Gray

What a Conundrum

What do I really want?  I don’t know. I don’t have a clue. I have an idea of what I want, but I know more of what I don’t want than what I do.  So, I guess that begs to differ and I must ask myself, “What do I need?” I don’t think I know the answer to that question either.  What I think I need, may be a combination of what I want, but only after a situation or a relationship ends to I realize if it supplied me with what I needed. Most often failure occurs because I didn’t get what I needed.

So, what does anyone need?  Our bodies need food, exercise, and healthy activity to be active and strong. Our minds need stimulation. Our soul needs purpose. Our hearts … need love. But, how do we get it? How do we find out what is enough, what is right, what is beneficial?  What a conundrum.

I seem to learn this by trial and error, and frankly I’m sick of the errors.  I tired of getting hurt. I’m tired of never being enough, or being too much, or falling off of tall pedestals. I’m tired of being rejected, cheated on, used, lied to, or ignored. Most of all … I’m tired of sacrificing my wants and needs to try and love someone else and fulfill their wants and needs.

So, what do I want?  I simply want to be loved, to be respected, and to be wanted. I’d give the world to any man who could truly give those things to me.  But he can’t be a mess. I am not going to give him a mess. I’m going to give him my best. I know this – because I always do, it’s who I am.  My man gets my heart, my hopes, my dreams, my time, my focus, my support, as well as my body, my smile, and the best part of everything I have.  So, I want no less in return.  If a man doesn’t have his shit in order, his house in order, his emotions in order, his heart in order – please don’t come knocking on my door.  The BEST give anyone can give to another person is the best of themselves.

I’m not saying this to say they have to be rich and/or successful. I am not materialistic in the least.  I’m really simple. But there are a few things they should be.

1.        

They should be free of other emotional attachments. Men should not be in a relationship with someone else and hitting me up.  If you haven’t been on your own, severed the ties with your exes, and your heart is open to be devoted to me – leave me the hell alone. I will not be your backup plan, your second choice, your distraction, your rebound, or you side chick.  Nope. Hell No.  Uh-Uh! I’m a lady. I am open, honest and I have thick ass walls because I’ve been lied to and cheated on with men who still clung to an ex, or had some other woman on the side feeding their ego, or being that back up support.  I am not into polyamorous relationships. There are women out there that are, go hit them up, but lose my number and don’t bother.

2.      

They should be able to support themselves.  I’m ALL for chasing dreams, but you better have made provisions for yourself to chase those dreams.  I don’t care what size house you live in, what kind of car you drive, etc.  I honestly, really don’t care.  But, be able to support yourself.  Be responsible enough that you have a roof over your head and food to eat, and have reliable transportation to get from point A to point B.  I’m not your Sugar Momma – nor will I be. I take care of myself and pay my own bills.  I will NOT take care of a man.  Have a steady job. Have a steady income.  If you can’t support yourself or keep a job, you’ve got no business being in a relationship. Help yourself FIRST before you bring someone else down. 

3.       

They should have a dream of their own and be supportive of mine. I don’t care how big or how small, but have something to love, something you’re passionate about and working toward.  Have a purpose, a goal, a desire for something that drives you.  It could be your job, your hobby, or you playtime.  But, if you’re depressed and lost and spend most of your time on a couch binge-watching Netflix, going through the motions and avoiding life – please don’t even look my direction.  I have a lot of passion, drive, energy and desires, and that’s often attractive to people who don’t.  But what happens in those types of unbalanced relationships is I get drained – because these types of men don’t pour back the same energy into me. Want to get to know me – let’s go do something, get outside, explore something together, go kayaking, go hunt down a historical site, go search for seashells on the beach, etc.  I love to cuddle. I love to snuggle and watch a movie together – but not every single time.  It happens time and time again – and my dreams get put on hold, or ignored, or unfulfilled. No lie. EVERY dream I have achieved – I’ve had to do it alone. EVERY DAMNED ONE OF THEM.  I have helped many people reach for their dreams, but I’ve never had even the slightest support for mine.  Yeah, they SAY … good luck, go for it, you’re good at that, Babe … but when I win an award, get a contract, speak at a conference, do an interview, go to a signing, go kayaking, jump from a plane, raft down a river, climb a mountain … I am alone.

So, I don’t need anyone. I’ve been able to navigate this world on my own. I motivate myself. I am disciplined and determined. I have loved deeply and not loved in returned. I have given my best, but have not received it in return.  I have trusted and been betrayed. Here I am again – being told almost on a daily basis that I’m so beautiful, so inspirational, so desirable, yet I’m intimidating, out of their league, and deserving of someone so much better – or I don’t fit their mold.  They want a party girl, or arm candy, or a care giver.  So, what hope do I have? What I have is walls – high, thick, walls. I’m scared to even talk to anyone about anything deep or important, because who can carry this heaviness with me?  I carry it alone. I’m great at conversation, but it must stay in the shallow waters. 

Someone recently told me they think I really want to be alone …and they may be right. Not because I don’t WANT someone in my life, but because I don’t trust I won’t get hurt.  Again, they may be right. To reach me will take time, patience, and a lot of love – and honestly – I haven’t seen that in this fast-paced, gotta have it my way right now society.  It’s too easy to just leap to the next easy thing when things get complicated with a simple swipe to the right. 

Yet – I still have hope there is someone out there that will be my balance, which will be strong enough and brave enough to handle all of me.  Do I have faith? No. But, I have hope. God help them, but I do believe my warrior is out there somewhere. I just pray my eyes will be able to see him, and my heart will be able to recognize him when I meet him.  When I do find him, I have so much love to give – a love that is deep, and faithful, and true, and honest, and wild, and passionate.  God help him.