I constantly feel like I’m on pause.My life plans, my goals, my dreams, and even
my privacy and space is always sacrificed for someone or something else. The
sad part, I’m the one in control. I’m the one that keeps giving up my time, my
space, my heart, my dreams and my goals – for others.
How do I fight for me? How do I take back my life? How do I
protect it from being hijacked again?
Shakespeare
may have penned the phrase, but it’s a truth that’s existed before he wrote Hamlet,
and one that has taken me a long time to comprehend.I haven’t yet mastered it, but I’m working on
it.
I’m
finding the only way finding and being true to myself is possible …is by being
completely honest with myself.I am more
than capable of lying to myself. I was a master at it.If I were to bet or guess, I would say that a
majority of us lie to ourselves quite often, rarely identifying and accepting
the truth, because truth hurts.Truth is
hard to take sometimes. Truth is hard to face.But, as the Good Book says, Truth will set you free. It really
will.It won’t make your problems
magically disappear, but it will set you free so that you can begin the journey
of living an honest life.
How
can we live a true and honest life if we won’t face the truths in our lives? We
want and demand truth from others, but how hypocritical of us if we don’t FIRST
find, accept, and acknowledge truth within ourselves?We are living in such an enabled society,
where we even lie to ourselves because the truth is harsh and a hard pill to
swallow.It’s not OUR fault we are fat,
lazy, and unhealthy and out of shape.It’s
society’s fault for making it too hard to eat healthy, by making poor meal choices
more affordable and convenient.It’s the
Fast Food and marketing industries’ fault for my lack of self-control and
discipline.It is my cultural and
socio-economical circumstances’ fault that I can’t afford personal trainers,
gym memberships, and beautiful parks and recreation centers to work out. It’s
our genetics’ fault that I have to work twice as hard as my skinny
counterpart.It’s time’s fault I have
poor time management because I put other things in a higher priority- like watching tv, sitting in restaurants,
playing video games, chatting online or scrolling through social media outlets.I have
kids and don’t have the time and energy and money and opportunity.
We
all have excuses.We all cling to them
when we want to justify our behavior, and then we moan and complain when we
have to face the consequences of those decisions.That’s the truth of the matter.
We
all have the same 24 hours a day.We all
have obstacles in the path of what we need or desire in our lives. It may seem
unfair when we try to compare ourselves to others and their opportunities. Most often we tell the biggest lie to
ourselves – “if I had the same opportunity as them ...then I would.”LIAR.You
don’t do it now – you won’t do then – you won’t do it even if you had EVERY advantage
because you are NOT true to yourself FIRST.
When
we truly have a passion for something, we make it a priority.When we make something a priority, we have to
take a truthful evaluation of where we were, where we are, and where we want to
be – and THEN make some REALISTIC, honest, truthful goals – and then do
them.DO THEM.One day at a time. One step at a time. One
victory at a time.One choice after the
next, after then next, after the next – and NEVER GIVE UP. Don’t focus on the
big goal, put all your focus on just making it to the next goal.Be faithful in the little things …and you
will be the master of many things. But
be unfaithful in the little things, you will also be unfaithful in the big
things, and master nothing.
Success
isn’t that you’ve gained something.True
success is when something has cost you – something you had to sacrifice a piece
of yourself to obtain – and being true to yourself along the journey.THAT’s the true success of anything.
Life
sucks sometimes. I mean it really,
painfully, soul-crushing, can’t breathe, pushes you to the edge sucks
sometimes.I’ve had my share – and I
know there’s more to come later.But the
best things I’ve ever accomplished in this life is learning to love myself,
learning to see myself for who I really am, and then learning to be proud of
the woman I am.It isn’t my MBA, or my
writing awards, or my publications, or my public praise, or anything I’ve
accomplished that makes me proud of myself. No, that confidence and pride comes from
knowing what it took to get there – knowing the truths I’ve had to face – and being
true to ME.
You
want to get in shape – face your truth and stop making excuses.
You
want a better job – face your truth and stop making excuses.
You
want a better relationship – face your truth and stop making excuses.
You
want to be happy – face your truth and stop making excuses.
You
want to succeed – face your truth and stop making excuses.
While
my imagination loves fairy tales, magic, and the miraculous, my mind
understands reality, and the reality is that if I want something or I want
something to happen in my life I have to do it, to make it happen, make the
choices needed, and then act on them.Money doesn’t just magically appear in my bank account - never, not once
did I find any extra currency in there – though I swear often that there’s an
invisible troll taking a toll every time I use it.Fat doesn’t magically dissolve in my body, though
I sometimes think it magically appears. We know that isn’t the truth either.Relationship’s don’t just begin or end
without effort and/or neglect.That
reminds me of a meme I saw one time about cheating where a guy trips and falls
on top of a woman exclaiming, “It was an accident!” No, the accident happened with the momentum of
texting, talking, smiling, and flirting.That’s when the cheating first began.By the time he ‘tripped’, he was already deep into the betrayal. There’s
no accident about it.
What
I’m trying to convey here is that I have to make a plan and set goals, make
preparations for those plans and goals, make the choices that will help me
achieve those plans and goals, and then have the strength and discipline to
fulfill them regardless of how I feel or of convenience.Nothing just magically happens.Check marks don’t just appear.Yes, sometimes the universe will bring me a
surprise, but for the most part there are laws that govern this world much the
way our natural laws govern our science and nature.Facts are facts. Those laws are that we reap
what we’ve sown.The key is …we have to
sow. We have to plant. We have to water. We have to make sure we get the right
amount of sunlight.We have to protect
our gardens.We have to pull up our own
weeds.We have to make sure we put the
right kind of shit in the ground. We can’t plant one thing, yet expect it to
grow something else, though we do. Man, I can’t tell you how many times I see
this on a daily basis – this belief in reverse magic, in magical harvests, in expecting
and wanting what we didn’t plant, earn or deserve.It’s crazy.Our society is so franchised, so drive-through, so … I want it my way,
and I want it now, but don’t ask me to plant, grow, etc. I want YOU to prepare
it for me.I just want to lay back in my
perfect body, consume what I want, when I want, not face a consequence, not
lift a finger, not work for it, and yet have the strength and blessings of the
gods. How arrogant we are.Yet, we will tell ourselves that’s NOT what
we expect.
Come
on, be real. Isn’t it what we expect?
This
world is a beautiful and ugly place at the same time.Over the past few weeks I have seen many,
many, many examples of love, compassion, charity, respect, and bravery from
people – and I’ve seen selfishness, hate, fear, depravity and gluttonous greed.
Life is complex and complicated in its simplicity.But somewhere in the balance there is
peace.
I
have to keep moving. I have to keep working, and hoping, and praying, and expecting,
and sowing, and reaping.I have to keep
making choices every day that are going to help me or hinder me, bring me life
or frustration, to help me thrive or knock me off course. If I fall, I have to
choose to get back up.If I run, I have
to learn to rest.If I fear, I have to
be brave.If I’m empty, I have to fill
myself. If I have the opportunity to love, I choose love. I have to keep
dreaming, I have to keep planning, and I have to keep seeking my balance, my
peace, and my happiness.As much as I
wish I could say a magic word and it be done, I know that’s not the reality of
it – and I have to keep moving.In this
selfish world, my joy comes from choosing to love, to find purpose, to give,
and to serve. I have to choose it. I
have to do it.I decide to make my bed
first thing in the morning, to love instead of run in fear, and then take the
next step, and then the step after that, and so on. I have to keep moving - THAT’s when I’m most
happy.
I’ve been watching the sunrise lately at different
beaches.There’s just something about
it, something about watching that big ball of fire break through the morning
clouds, rise out of the sea to greet me, that just does something for my
soul.I can’t explain it.I can’t even really describe it.I may have a whole thesaurus at my disposal,
but in that moment, I’m speechless, without words, just full of feeling, full
of life, full of appreciation.Medicine
to my bones.
I’ll have to find my spot.I know it’s out there somewhere.Went to Indialantic, stopped by Starbucks and got me a warm Carmel
Macchiato, and walked over to the beach to find myself surrounded by more than
half-dozen of other people I assume arrived for the same reason.Except they wanted to socialize instead of be
in the moment.It didn’t upset me my
quiet was disrupted, but it did help me realize that’s exactly what I wanted…
silence, solitude, an intimate moment with me and the world.
Nature soothes me. It always has.It was my beautiful sanctuary in my world of
rage, of pain, of chaos.As a child, I
often ran to the woods to get lost among the trees, trails, and let my
imagination take me on an adventure somewhere far, far, away.
While the sun gets all the attention, I know that it’s not
the only element that cleanses my soul.There’s the wind, the waves, the water, the sand, the smell of salt in
the air, the cry of the birds overhead, etc.They all work together like a well-choregraphed symphony, each in tune,
each have their individual parts to play.It’s a movement that never stops.It ebbs and flows, softens and builds, rises and falls, yet keeps going
on and on and on and on.This is how our
souls also move… continually, non-stop, without pause.Sometimes it’s in full motion like a
hurricane, and other times a soft, gentle roll, yet its moving, it’s playing,
it’s dancing, or it’s dying.
The sunrise heals my soul.My soul has taken a beating lately, and I can’t express the sunrise
healing I’ve been receiving lately.Let
it heal.
Today the clouds are thick and the wind is a little hard,
and there’s a little chill in the air, but… let it rise.Let it rise.
I’ll get into the lyrics of this
song in a minute.I haven’t heard it in
a couple years, but listening to it on my way home from work today brought me
right back to a place in time when I was fighting for my life.I can almost remember the very moment this
song came alive to me.I had heard it
several times on the radio, and while I thought it had a catchy tune, it didn’t
really mean anything. Yet, one afternoon I found myself sitting by the lake at
my apartment on Alvin Street, watching the sun glisten on the water’s surface, ducks
flying overhead, a cool breeze in the air, when a soft thought popped into my
mind, whispering to me that nobody cared, that all the sacrifices I’d made in
my life were for nothing, that all the love I gave was never returned, that I
didn’t matter.I’d just been invited to
be part of an anthology with some of the writers I admired, had no one with
which to celebrate my achievement. I thought I could easily slip into that
cold, frigid lake and no one would even notice this selfish, rebellious,
unlovable woman was gone. I felt the
pressure and judgment of the world on my shoulders.All the voices of the people who told me I was
making a mistake by getting a divorce, that I was disobeying and disappointing
my god, that I was being rebellious and selfish because I wanted to be in love,
that what I wanted was stupid, a fairy tale. I had the world.I had a good career. I had a good marriage. I
had a good family. I had a good inheritance. I had a good reputation. I had a
picture-picture resume life. My writing
career was taking off, and I was beloved and respected by my community; a
pillar they called me, a monument of strength of character. I had everything a good Christian woman
desired in her life. Someone told me once that I was selfish for not being
content with the life I had, that my desire to want more, was an insult to the
god I claimed I loved.How could God
love me for being so selfish? To want more was to distrust God.
I didn’t want riches. I didn’t
want fame. I had opportunity to have both and walked away. I just wanted to be
loved, to be wanted, to be desired… to be heard, to matter, to make a
difference in this cold world, for humanity to love each other, not hate each
other proving who was right. I wanted fathers not to hurt their little girls,
and mothers not to be ashamed and hide behind pills, and brothers that didn’t
steal and lie to each other, or sisters who supported each other and not be in competition,
and kids who didn’t take the strength of their parents as a sign of not caring,
and parents who remembered their kids were not their property but individual
human beings with their own thoughts, ideas, plans and dreams. I felt at odds
with the universe.
I closed my eyes, felt the warm
sun on my face, slipped my feet out of my shoes and edged by toes toward the
cold water of the lake’s edge when this song suddenly came on my iPod and
filled my ears, and the tears spilled down my face.This was a song from me, to me, in that
moment.My inner-self called out to my
spiritual-self, and the words never meant something more beautiful than what
they did that cold, cold autumn afternoon.
Lately I been, I been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby I been, I been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars
Yeah, we'll be counting stars
Counting stars… wow! One of my
favorite quotes in the world, something that gave me strength through the years
was from A Knights Tale when a declaration was made to change a person’s stars,
to change the destiny the world had given them, to be more than what society
deemed as acceptable. Before that movie even came out, my best friend in the
world – who became the love of my life, made a promise that we would rise above
our stations in life and change our stars. I fought my whole life to be more than what I
was born into, more than what society dictated, and I worked hard my whole life
to rise above my beginning, my inheritance, and my lot in life.No one was going to tell me my limits.I pushed them, and I soared well above them. When
my drug-dealing father was arrested, I was deemed a miscreant, told by a
bigshot D.A. at the age of sixteen I was going to grow up and be nothing more
than one of my father’s whore drug runners, a high-school dropout, and in
prison before twenty.I changed my stars and proved them wrong,
living a clean life, a vanilla life free of drugs, gangs, cartels, and
miscreants.When I lost a college scholarship because I
became a teen mother, and chose to keep and raise my baby, I changed my stars
by paying my own way through college, and working three jobs at the same time
supporting myself. When the love of my life died in combat and left me alone in
this world, I still remember the promises we made to change our stars. I never forgot.
I will never forget. I’m not counting
one star… I’m counting on changing many, many, many, many, many more stars. I have,
and I will change even more. I’m still counting them, baby.
I see this life
Like a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
In my faces flashing signs
Seek it out and ye shall find
Life isn’t about what comes at
you or is presented to you.You have to
chase it down.You have to go after what
you want. You have to take a chance.Yes, you can fall. Hell, you will probably fall a lot more than you’ll
ever fly. Yes, you can grab hold of a weak vine and it causes you to crash to
the ground, but that doesn’t mean you stop swinging.It means you get back up and grab the next
one and see where it takes you.
The old, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold
And I don't think the world is sold
I'm just doing what we're told
Excuses.The world if full of them, but we have to be
willing to argue back with it, set our own limits, tell ourselves what we are
going to do and how we’re going to do it.We can’t be afraid.We can’t
think inside the box.Don’t allow ourselves
to be put in a box… too old, too young, too weak, too strong, too fat, too
skinny, too uneducated, too educated, too smart, too dumb, too experienced, too
inexperienced.Tell the world to go fuck
itself, and stop doing what it tells you.
I, feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I, feel something so wrong
But doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive
You can’t change or count your
stars if you’re too busy living under everyone else’s judgements, ideas, and
limits.You determine what’s right and
what’s wrong for YOU and tell everyone else to go fuck themselves.Am I disappointing my god?That’s between me and my god and nobody else’s
business. Live your own dream.Find someone that supports that dream, and
made damned sure that if you’re supporting someone else’s dream, that it’s
their dream and not yours for them. You’ve got no right to dream for someone
else.
I feel the love
And I feel it burn
Down this river every turn
Hope is a four letter word
Make that money
Watch it burn
Looking for the world’s
definition of love or success, it’ll never work, it’ll never satisfy, and it’ll
always burn.It’s fire, it’s poison, it’s
shallow, and it stings.Too many people
fall in love with the idea, the dream, the image of what they believe is love,
instead of falling in love with the real person right in front of them. When they
get disappointment because the person doesn’t live up to the perfect image that
was created in their minds, they blame the person instead of themselves for
building impossible standards anyone could ever hope to reach. It’s not
fair.We have to come to a maturity in
our lives so that when we look at someone we are not naïve to their flaws, but
embrace them, and love them just as they are in spite of them, not only loving
the truth of who they are, but for the potential of who they’re capable of
being because they too hold the power to change their own stars. The first step
to counting stars is seeing the truth, exactly as it is in all its ugliness.
But when we can’t even see the truth of the stars in front of us, how can we expect
to change anything?We change nothing
and then we live our lives chasing THINGS… things that will burn or turn to
rust, things we cannot control, cannot contain, things that slip right through
our fingers and burn in front of us. We exchange our stars for temporary
things, for temporary love, for temporary people… ideals instead of reality,
fantasies instead of truths, we lose out on real love for infatuation and lust.
Can’t you feel it?This song reminded me of the promise I made
as a hopeful fourteen-year old girl, sitting with her back against her locker
next to this dorky, long-legged awkward boy named James, dreaming with our
young, naïve hearts of how we were going to change our stars. I felt that
promise that day by the cold lake through this song, and it stirred something
deep within me, and it’s stirring something else within me today.I heard that familiar whisper during my flu
delirium, reminding me that my love hasn’t found me, that though I’m loved, I’m
never chosen, I’m never fought for, and that if I want anything in this world I’m
going to have to fight for it on my own or provide it for myself. I understand
now, I need a star counter, because I’m a star counter.I could never be content with someone that
can’t even recognize their own stars, much less who isn’t constantly counting new ones.I won’t ever be silent. I won’t
ever be content. I am bigger than this life, much more than the boxes
offer.I am at odds with the universe, because
I too am expanding, seeking, and counting stars… and it’s time I got back to
it.
I too am a star.My own sun, shining brightly, soaring in this
universe, But I’m not one to be caught so easily. If you can’t even see me, the
real me, then maybe I’m just a little too bright or a little too hot for you,
or you just don’t belong in my universe.
Here is a beautiful story written by an author friend of mine, Jeff Suwak, who just released his first book. I'm a dreamer, and I'm always interested in hearing about other people's dreams, mostly to see if theirs are as crazy as mine. It seems I'm in good company.
For those of you who are Cormac McCarthy, Ernest Hemingway, Charles Bukowski, Jack Kerouac, Philip K. Dick or Hunter S. Thompson fans, you will really enjoy this.
Please visit and subscribe to this author's page, and leave Jeff a comment. You might just find yourself with a "Place at the Table".
