I’m the type of person that gives all herself to whatever she sets
her heart upon. When I love, I love with everything within me. When I make a
decision, I throw all my heart, soul, and energy into the task I’ve
accepted. If I’ve accepted the task,
believe me when I tell you this over-thinker has already thought about every
conclusion, every outcome, every risk, and every possibility – and yet I
chose. The Word tells us to consider the
cost of something before we set our hands to it. Before we build something,
know the plans, know the cost, and know the materials and foundation that will
be required to complete the task. Don’t make
plans just to start a task, be determined and make the plans to finish it. While it’s a ‘nice’ philosophy to live by the
seat of your pants and make responsive choices as needs and wants arrive, it’s
irresponsible and in the long run costs many times more than what was ever needed
or required. It’s a thief – come to
steal any progress or profit. It leads
to destruction because the foundation wasn’t solid, the materials weren’t
right, shortcuts were made, and essential lode-bearing beams were never placed
properly. I believe my previous world crumbled because of this practice. My foundation was set on hopes and
dreams. My choices were reactive to emotion
and need. I knew better. No one is blame
but myself. I knew better and I chose anyway.
In the middle of this current phase of my life, I’m again beginning
to recognize myself. I’m beginning to
see that diligent, hard-working, responsible, frugal, driven, goal-oriented,
organized, over-thinking, button-downed, cost-counting, careful, blessed, planning,
creative artist that I once was, that I worked hard to develop, and that I fought
hard to shape. I see her plain and
clear. I’ve missed her. I whispered to
her in the mirror last night, “I remember you.”
I do not regret my past choices – to love and give everything to
the family I chose. I do not regret the
choices I made - because they were my choices. I own my choices, my mistakes, and
my failures. I wasn’t forced into making those choices, I wasn’t deceived, and
I wasn’t manipulated. I didn’t make a choice because of sympathy or need. I
simply loved – and I chose love. That choice came with a high cost - and I paid
it, I’m paying it now with every tear, every moment I miss them, and every moment
I miss not being with them as our lives go separate ways. But, I’ve also gained, or more accurately
re-gained something just as precious – me.
I’m building a new life now, and believe me – I’m counting every
cost. Every step I make I take into
consideration – everything. I’m not
meant to build something small in this world.
I knew that at a very early age.
I’m meant for greatness. I’m
meant to build something spectacular. I’m
not an average person. I never was, and I never will be. I’ve tried to be
average. I’ve tried to be what the world or people I loved wanted or needed me
to be, but I’m not meant to be any of those things. I am created for a greater purpose. I don’t
know what that is, but I do know the kind of person I need to be in order to
step into that role. She’s been baptized in fire. She’s been shaped and molded
in flame. She’s been kindled in
water. She’s been sculpted by the hands
of the Maker of the Universe. I remember her.
He whispers, “I remember you, too.”
Till next time,
~T.L. Gray
No comments:
Post a Comment