Being single, I get asked the question of what I want, ALL the
time now. My answer changes depending on my mood, my experiences of that day,
or my expectations at that moment. Right
now, I would like my cable company to answer the damned phone, not put me on
hold for nearly an hour, fix their website and stop the bullshit. Will that happen? It better happen soon or else I will be
taking a long lunch to return all my equipment to their local office and giving
them a stern rebuke for their shitty online and phone service. So, see …depending on the question, the
circumstances, and the content – my answer will change.
I know the question isn’t aimed at what I want for my cable
service, but what I want in life, in love, and in my future relationships. But,
honestly … how can I answer that question?
When I was five, I wanted to be safe and free of violence. Well, that didn’t happen until I left home as
a teenager. When I was fifteen, I
thought I wanted Herbie Shiflett. Well, I got Herbie, then I got cheated on and
my heart broken for the first time. At twenty-one I found a determined and deep
love from a loving soldier that promised me a loving future. Well, that dream was taken away in an instant
by a Somalian bullet. At twenty-three I wanted security, kindness, stability
and that picket-fence dream for my family. Well, I got it, don’t regret it, but
it came at the high cost of no passion or romance. At thirty-nine, I thought I
wanted to find a deep love and soul mate. Well, I got that and the devastating heartache
that followed when that deep love wasn’t returned. So, what do I want next? I’m forty-seven, and
while I try to think about the positive and exciting things that could possibly
be waiting for me around the corner, I can’t help but wonder what horrible pain
is waiting to follow.
All I’ve ever really wanted was to be loved and wanted for who I
am, just like I am, to be someone’s partner, best friend, lover … balance. I
want to belong somewhere and to someone. I want to be accepted and appreciated
for who I am, not who they need or want me to be. So, how does someone go about finding that in
a superficial world? I guess what I really want is faith, and hope, and love –
and the greatest of these is love.
Till next time,
~T.L. Gray
https://twitter.com/AuthorTLGray
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