To Thine Own Self Be True

Shakespeare may have penned the phrase, but it’s a truth that’s existed before he wrote Hamlet, and one that has taken me a long time to comprehend.  I haven’t yet mastered it, but I’m working on it.

I’m finding the only way finding and being true to myself is possible …is by being completely honest with myself.  I am more than capable of lying to myself. I was a master at it.  If I were to bet or guess, I would say that a majority of us lie to ourselves quite often, rarely identifying and accepting the truth, because truth hurts.  Truth is hard to take sometimes. Truth is hard to face.  But, as the Good Book says, Truth will set you free. It really will.  It won’t make your problems magically disappear, but it will set you free so that you can begin the journey of living an honest life. 

How can we live a true and honest life if we won’t face the truths in our lives? We want and demand truth from others, but how hypocritical of us if we don’t FIRST find, accept, and acknowledge truth within ourselves?  We are living in such an enabled society, where we even lie to ourselves because the truth is harsh and a hard pill to swallow.  It’s not OUR fault we are fat, lazy, and unhealthy and out of shape.  It’s society’s fault for making it too hard to eat healthy, by making poor meal choices more affordable and convenient.  It’s the Fast Food and marketing industries’ fault for my lack of self-control and discipline.  It is my cultural and socio-economical circumstances’ fault that I can’t afford personal trainers, gym memberships, and beautiful parks and recreation centers to work out. It’s our genetics’ fault that I have to work twice as hard as my skinny counterpart.  It’s time’s fault I have poor time management because I put other things in a higher priority  - like watching tv, sitting in restaurants, playing video games, chatting online or scrolling through social media outlets.   I have kids and don’t have the time and energy and money and opportunity.

We all have excuses.  We all cling to them when we want to justify our behavior, and then we moan and complain when we have to face the consequences of those decisions.  That’s the truth of the matter.

We all have the same 24 hours a day.  We all have obstacles in the path of what we need or desire in our lives. It may seem unfair when we try to compare ourselves to others and their opportunities.  Most often we tell the biggest lie to ourselves – “if I had the same opportunity as them ...then I would.”  LIAR.  You don’t do it now – you won’t do then – you won’t do it even if you had EVERY advantage because you are NOT true to yourself FIRST.

When we truly have a passion for something, we make it a priority.  When we make something a priority, we have to take a truthful evaluation of where we were, where we are, and where we want to be – and THEN make some REALISTIC, honest, truthful goals – and then do them.  DO THEM.  One day at a time. One step at a time. One victory at a time.  One choice after the next, after then next, after the next – and NEVER GIVE UP. Don’t focus on the big goal, put all your focus on just making it to the next goal.  Be faithful in the little things …and you will be the master of many things.  But be unfaithful in the little things, you will also be unfaithful in the big things, and master nothing.  

Success isn’t that you’ve gained something.  True success is when something has cost you – something you had to sacrifice a piece of yourself to obtain – and being true to yourself along the journey.  THAT’s the true success of anything. 

Life sucks sometimes.  I mean it really, painfully, soul-crushing, can’t breathe, pushes you to the edge sucks sometimes.  I’ve had my share – and I know there’s more to come later.  But the best things I’ve ever accomplished in this life is learning to love myself, learning to see myself for who I really am, and then learning to be proud of the woman I am.  It isn’t my MBA, or my writing awards, or my publications, or my public praise, or anything I’ve accomplished that makes me proud of myself.  No, that confidence and pride comes from knowing what it took to get there – knowing the truths I’ve had to face – and being true to ME.

You want to get in shape – face your truth and stop making excuses. 

You want a better job – face your truth and stop making excuses.

You want a better relationship – face your truth and stop making excuses.

You want to be happy – face your truth and stop making excuses.

You want to succeed – face your truth and stop making excuses.

To thine own self be true!

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Assumptions and Snakes

I made an automatic assumption yesterday about my boyfriend that turned out to be wrong.  I felt like a tool. I felt so bad I had to go and apologize to try to make it right with him, because that’s not the kind of person I want to be, and it’s not a behavior of which I’m proud.

I once heard a phrase that stated, “Don’t assume because it will make an ass out of u and me.  Ass-u-me.” It can and it does.  But, in no way does it mean I am to be stupid. Truth is truth, period. We are not to deny truth – but we can work on our assumptions because they are not always grounded in truth.

The Word says in Matthew 10:16 – “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep amongst wolves, therefore be wise as serpents and innocent/harmless as doves.” While I don’t consider myself a sheep, because I’ve learned the difference between sheep, wolves, shepherds and sheepdogs.  I’m a sheepdog. The second point I wanted to make was that I’m a wordsmith and dissect the meanings individually to understand the context in whole.  So my first question is how is a serpent wise?  Well, growing up on ranches, farms and woods, I’ve encountered many snakes and I can tell you they are careful, they are prudent, they are stealthy and are they are keen observers.  They don’t announce their arrival, but they might warn before an attack, but not always. They will attack when the time is right, when the opportunity presents itself, or when they are forced to defend themselves.  They’re patient. Man, I could go on and on about the wisdom of snakes. 

The innocence/harmlessness of a dove, though. That’s more difficult. What makes a dove harmless or innocent? Doves are loyal. They mate for life and are very protective of their mates and offspring.  They are often considered compassionate creatures. They are not predator animals.  They’re the symbolism for the Holy Spirit and truth, and honesty, and good character.

I think altogether this just simply means we need to be discerning and hold our actions to a higher standard, to be careful with our judgements. Things, thoughts and ideas need to be kept in balance, things such as our emotions, our minds, our hearts, and our faith.  I have to make sure the decisions I make are not heavy in just one of these areas, but balanced between them all – being both wise and harmless.

My assumption was an emotional response, not to him, but to my previous experiences and preconceived ideas.  I unfairly judged him for the actions of others. I unfairly questioned his moral character without evidence or proof, or consideration.

Rev. Daniel Patrick once said, “Condemnation of new information, without consideration, is ignorance and arrogance of the highest order.” I had that posted on my office door for years, and that truth is sewn into the depths of my heart, soul and character. Yet, I condemned, judged, and propagated my opinion – falsely without consideration or thought. That’s NOT who I am.

One of the things I love about my current relationship is the honesty and the deep level of communication we have with each other. There’s NOTHING I couldn’t talk about with him. There’s probably nothing we haven’t already talked about (‘cause this woman *pointing to herself* is obviously a yapper).  I’m not going to always make the right decisions and say the right things and be wise or harmless. Sometimes I’m going to respond ‘out of balance’ with either my emotions, my thoughts, my fears, my faith, my understanding - or lack thereof, and neither will he. I can be stupid and vengeful.  WE are humans with free will.  But, I do believe with my whole heart that with good communication, with open honesty, and an integral fortitude to do the right thing, to make amends for our mistakes and learn from them – we can be imperfectly perfect with and for each other, and be quick to forgive.  

I think that honest communication is the foundational key to any successful relationship – making us both wise and harmless. I don’t want to hurt him in ANY way. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t expect him to be perfect – just open and honest. I love his flaws and I’m unafraid to bare my flaws. I know he will fail at times (don’t tell him that – he doesn’t believe in failure), but I know he’s a warrior and will get right back up and keep fighting. I don’t care about his failures, I care about his spirit and will and determination and drive to keep trying, to keep fighting. At times I am going to fail, at times I’m going to fail him – but I too am a warrior and I WILL get back up. I’m never out of the fight – I will always keep fighting. I just have to learn to fight right – not just know enough to get myself hurt.  I got to watch those assumptions and snakes.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

First Steps

No matter what struggle or difficulty or achievement or success we find ourselves, whether it’s physical, emotional, or spiritual, we are not stationary in our positions.  ALL life is fluid.  Everything is always moving, changing, and transforming.  Even within our bodies, we are constantly evolving.  Our feelings change. Our ideas change. Our faith changes.  Our knowledge changes. We are born. We live. We die.  In the midst of that journey, based on our understanding and observation we make decisions that effect that life. Some good. Some bad. Some really good and some really bad. Regardless of the state – it won’t remain in that state for long.

Going through a huge heartbreak and recent death, I have felt many times that it’s too much for me, that I can’t even breathe.  The world I imagined, I had hoped for, and I had loved with my whole heart crumbled around me. I saw the destruction coming, I felt the change in the wind, and I noticed the warning signs long before the walls fell. And I fought like hell to stop them, but I was powerless. For me, the reasons why were not good enough to justify the pain. But the pain came anyway. The storm came and blew against the walls, and the house fell. 

All life is fluid.  The storm has passed. Now comes the calm. At times I thought the storm would kill me, and sweep me away with its waves into the abyss, but I survived. I’m standing in the middle of the destruction, but I’m still standing.  Nothing is recognizable around me, except me.  I’m still here. I’m battered, bruised, but I’m standing. My life has changed from what it was, to what it is, and will change again to what it will be …to change even beyond.

I still see the storm raging in the distance.  I still feel the wind blowing. I still see dark clouds hovering, the lightning striking, and the waves beating against the shore. The storm still exists.  It didn’t fade and its winds are still causing destruction, but it’s moved on from me. I’m not part of it anymore.  I can’t save those within it, but I pray they survive. I pray they get out of the storm, but the only way out requires a first step – as with every program and every faith that exists in this world, the road to recovery, to escape, and to freedom is - acceptance.  

The moment I accepted I was powerless to change anything, that I could see the truth of my situation, my life, and my circumstances as they were -  instead of struggling to hold tight to my hope of what had been and what could be, that’s when the storm finally swept me away. We can’t move forward in our life without acceptance.  We can’t change in ANY positive or good way without the acceptance of the truth. We can lie to ourselves and continue to circle the same issues over and over and over and over again – deceiving ourselves into thinking we can change things, or that WE are in control, but that keeps us bound to our destruction, bound to our pain, bound to chains that weigh us down, making us addicts to our own destruction.  Just as an addict or someone involved in destructive behavior will not, nor cannot, change their behavior until they first accept the truth about themselves.  No matter how much we hope for them, plead with them, try to reason with them – they cannot hear ANYTHING until they accept the truth.  Until then, it is a vicious cycle – over and over and over and over and over – some NEVER overcome.  Healing will NEVER come until acceptance. That is the first step.  In faith – acceptance of who we are and that we are not in control of the universe around us, but that there is a higher power – is the first step. 

I took my first step. I accepted. I am surviving.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

We

We

We speak from pain, words of pain, in cries of pain, we sing.

We speak from love, acts of love, in songs of love, we dance.

We speak from truth, move in truth, in steps of truth, we feel.

We speak from touch, inflict in touch, in response of touch, we reveal.

© T.L. Gray 2018

Safety Mechanism

The more I learn and the more I comprehend, the less I know and the less I understand. ~T.L. Gray

As you all know, I have some of the most thought-provoking friends in the world. I suppose that’s how they become my friends in the first place, they provoke me to think outside the box, to delve into the depths of understanding and enlightenment. My soul burns with conflagration. Do I ever reach the pinnacle of wisdom and complete understanding? I make no such claims. The more I learn and the more I comprehend, the less I know and the less I understand. But it doesn’t stop me from trying. On the contrary, it fuels me and stirs my passions.

The subject this morning is ‘safety mechanisms’ we put in place to protect ourselves from allowing our imaginations to create a relationship with someone else more in our minds than what it is in reality, and therefore getting hurt when that relationship dissolves, or turns out to not be what we imagined. Because, in essence, it was the dream we created that we loved or desired more than the person. It’s a sticky subject, I know. Most people don’t want to admit the fantasies they create, and tend to blame the other person for their failure to live up to those fantasies, but that’s another post for another day. I’m getting off topic.

If two human beings are honest with each other (first we have to be honest with ourselves), then we can attempt to apply the correct boundaries, put up the correct walls, set the correct parameters for the type of relationship we will allow with another person. But when the fuck do we ever do what is correct? Anyway, back to this ‘mechanism’ - what is it really? My response this morning was: “It’s a safety net so no one gets hurt and it tames the imagination. I’ve discovered when most relationships don’t work out, most of the pain comes from the dream of what could have been more than what really was. I’m a dreamer. I have an exceptional imagination and I have to be careful what I allow myself to dream. I’m also an artist, which means I feel deeply. I’m learning to protect myself and use these ‘mechanisms’. So far, they’re working. I think.”

My wise friend responded, “I totally get that. I have to control my dreaming these days too. I’ve allowed myself to make bad decisions based on hopes and dreams, and it’s just not smart or fair to the other person.”

He’s so right. It’s not fair. We get hurt when the other person doesn’t live up to our dreams and expectations, and it’s not fair that they had to try in the first place. When we put people on pedestals, it puts a pressure and responsibility onto them that they neither deserved, nor asked for. I understand the pressure to live up to another’s expectations and ideals, and it crushed me when I failed. It hurt. It still hurts. It wasn’t equally fair to set such high dreams for them to fail to meet in my life, either.

I truly am learning to love people and appreciate the beauty of who they are, just as they are, because their lives have been an incredible journey to get where they are. They’re human beings with souls and feelings. We’re all fuck-ups. I quit trying to change them, or change myself, to meet my, their, or our expectations. It’s futile. As Ecclesiastes states, “it’s meaningless… a chasing after the wind.” I tried my damnedest to be what they wanted, what they needed, and only ended up hating and losing myself in the process.

Our conversation continued and I responded, “I have learned, but not necessarily good things. I’ve learned how to run, how to hide, how to make beautiful deflecting masks. I’ve become strategic, defensive, prepared, my guns always ready and loaded, and my armor securely in place. Yet, a kiss could unravel my defenses. But what hope will I be kissed on the battlefield, beneath my cover, and on the alert? Yet, I still believe in miracles.”

My friend replied, “Ohhh, I try my damnedest to learn from my mistakes and pain. I know there are those that try to hide it as well though. Which is the majority? Just looking at today’s society, I’d guess most people hide from it. That is, until they become more self-actualized.”

When has hiding ever solved anything? Hiding delays. Hiding blocks. Yes, it provides a sense of safety, but it’s a false sense. What are we really saving ourselves from? Living? Loving? Learning? Can we truly hide from pain? If so, I haven’t discovered that secret yet. It’s only when we take a risk to do something that we make a connection. We can’t connect within the shadows. We were not made for the shadows, but to dance in the light, to fly, to soar to great heights. As an unknown wise man once said, “If you want something you’ve never had, do something you’ve never done.”

I want a great love affair. Just like that Hunter Hayes song, “I want Crazy.” I want that whole damned song. I’m so tired of being safe, practical, careful, or responsible. I’ll post the lyrics and a YouTube link below. So, if I want Crazy, then I suppose I need to be Crazy and hold onto the dream and hope that someday somebody will come along that can appreciate my kind of crazy, and not change for those who can’t. I’ve got to learn when to fight and when to lay my weapons and armor down. I usually fuck that up. It’s a good thing I still in believe in miracles.

The conversation with my wise friend this morning ended with, “Knowing the truth and acting on it are two separate worlds. That’s why we keep getting into trouble. We ignore what we know and follow how we feel. We try like hell not to feel, yet that hurts us most of all.”

“So true,” he answered.

So true. Thank you, my friend, for the stimulating conversation this morning. Such friends are as a precious jewel to me. I appreciate you.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

~

Hunter Hayes

"I Want Crazy"



Mmmmm...

I'm booking myself a one-way flight
I gotta see the color in your eyes
Yeah tellin' myself I'm gonna be alright
Without you baby is a waste of time

Yeah, our first date, girl, the seasons changed
It got washed away in a summer rain
You can't undo a fall like this
'Cause love don't know what distance is
Yeah, I know it's crazy

But I don't want "good" and I don't want "good enough"
I want "can't sleep, can't breathe without your love"
Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn't make sense to anybody else
Who cares if you're all I think about,
I've searched the world and I know now,
It ain't right if you ain't lost your mind
Yeah, I don't want easy, I want crazy
Are you with me baby? Let's be crazy

Yeah

I wanna be scared, don't wanna know why
Wanna feel good, don't have to be right
The world makes all kinds of rules for love
I say you gotta let it do what it does

I don't want just another hug and a kiss goodnight
Catchin' up calls and a date sometimes
I love that we're rebels, and we still believe
We're the kind of crazy people wish that they could be, yeah

Oh, and I know we're crazy, yeah

But I don't want "good" and I don't want "good enough"
I want "can't sleep, can't breathe without your love"
Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn't make sense to anybody else
Who cares if you're all I think about,
I've searched the world and I know now,
It ain't right if you ain't lost your mind
Yeah, I don't want easy, I want crazy
You with me baby? Let's be crazy

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

No, I don't want "good" and I don't want "good enough"
I want "can't sleep, can't breathe without your love"
Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn't make sense to anybody else
Who cares if you're all I think about,
I've searched the world and I know now,
It ain't right if you ain't lost your mind
Yeah, I don't want easy, I want crazy

Yeah, look at us baby, tonight the midnight rules are breaking
There's no such thing as wild enough,
And maybe we just think too much
Who needs to play it safe in love?
Let's be crazy!

Na na na na oh na na na na oh

Who cares if we're crazy? We gotta be crazy!
I know that we're crazy, so let's be crazy!
Yeah-ah-ah...

*Cover photo by digital-art-gallery.com

Distorted Image

Okay, here’s another one of those politically correct moments that really grate on my nerves and has inspired today’s blog post. I actually had an idea to post something positive and funny today, you know… ‘cause I was in that sort of mood. But I read an article and that got my thoughts spinning, and that was all well and good. But then I read the comments concerning the article and the floodgates of ‘ah hell’ have opened. So, this is sort of a rant. I apologize in advance, but I’m not sorry for what I’m about to say. I mean every word.

The article that started this whole thing can be found at this link: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/11477512/Schoolboys-should-tell-girls-their-idea-of-a-perfect-woman-says-expert.html.

The piece encourages young men to tell young women, especially during their formative and puberty-challenging years, what they find attractive from physical to personality traits in order to help the young women form a more realistic and healthy view of their own bodies. I found myself nodding my head several times while reading this article.

If you really think about it, the way a girl feels about herself and the level of her attractiveness is dictated by the society around her, all in the effort to attract the young men they interact with. It’s human nature. However, the definition of what ‘beauty’ consists of is portrayed by media and social forums, and most of them have really fucked up views of beauty. They lead many young women to feel bad about themselves due to unrealistic expectations and displays, everyday chipping away at the young women’s self-esteem because they can’t live up to that fantastical image, leading to unhealthy practices, eating disorders, mutilations, etc.

Every woman/girl wants to be attractive and beautiful. We want to be pleasing to the men in our lives, so we go to great lengths to try and fulfill what we think are the ideals of beauty and sexiness. What better way to really learn what is truly beautiful and sexy than directly from the men we are trying to please in the first place? It’s just a thought.

Wait.. I can already hear all the feminists reading this post screeching with.. .”I ain’t trying to please anybody but myself… and “another example of women being told to get our self-esteem from what men think of us. “… yeah, yeah… I know. I’m not disagreeing. I’m a feminist and the first person I try to please before anyone else is ME, including the men in my life. But, I’m also not lying to myself either and pretending I don’t want to look sexy and have my man drooling all over me. I’m a woman. I celebrate being a woman, and as a woman - I want my man to look at me not ONLY with respect and admiration, but lust and desire, and a raw sexual want and need. I want him to be at times unable to keep his hands off me. I want to make him growl wanting me, and grunt while having me, and groan when I’m gone. In all reality, that isn’t going to happen unless I’m attractive to him. So, the ‘smart’ thing to do is find out what he finds attractive and see if that is reasonable and applicable. Yet, the only sources young women have to try to discover this is found in our social media markets… magazines, television, public displays, etc. Hearing the truth from the source is always a better idea than a secondary source.

The other thing in these responses that really set me off was a comment, one I’ve heard a million times before so there’s no animosity toward this certain responder, is: “Though his idea of a girlfriend is that she has to have a model body but also intelligence. I keep telling him he's looking for a needle in a very big haystack.”

My response: “I really hate the idea that just because you might be beautiful you're more than likely stupid. Most beauty comes from confidence... and confidence comes from achievement... and achievement often comes from wisdom, knowledge and determination. What's wrong with someone hoping to find a partner that is not only pleasing to the eye but the mind also? It's phrases like "looking for a needle in a haystack" that encourages people to compromise on what they want and settle for what they think they can get, or doubt something because it comes in a beautiful package. I want beautiful AND smart.. because that's what I want, and I have no bones about saying it. I also think this professor has the right idea. I don't think all the males in the world are idiots either and all of them think their perfect woman is some brainless-model-sex-kitten. That's their sexual fantasy, but they love real women for different reasons, and I've learned its mostly confident women who are honest with them, nurture them, encourage them, and inspire them. I have a male sexual fantasy, Superman, but I wouldn't want to have a relationship with him.. or expect any real man to live up to that image. Nor do I expect any real man to truly expect any real woman to live up to their sexual fantasy. That's why it's called a fantasy. However, love will beat a fantasy any day.” I would like to add, “…but I’d do all I could to try and live up to his sexual fantasy, because it’d be fun and as a woman I naturally like to please people I love and care about. It pleases me to do it.”

But the whole issue comes down to honesty. There’s not enough of that in this world. We live behind our masks. We lie to the world around us. We listen to the lies around us. Mostly, we lie to ourselves. And in this politically correct world, we’re often too afraid to speak out in search of that truth in fear of being outcast. Deception is all we see. The disguises we wear are all we notice. And our young women continue to fight through these self-esteem issues with the lies they’re fed and bombarded with every day. It’s sad how many of them lose that fight and succumb to the peer-pressures and never truly discover the real beauty within them. I mostly feel for our young men who never get to get the opportunity to see that true beauty either, only the distorted image. This whole issue works just as well for men as women in reverse. But, hey… let’s not talk about it, ‘cause we might hurt someone’s feelings.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Eyes That See

Eyes that see - I love to look into your eyes, yet fear it at the same time. 

Those dark orbs are full of truth, full of knowing, full of fire.

They see through me, past my mask,  and straight  into my fear,

Exposing my deepest hope, my greatest dreams, my darkest regrets.

They intrigue me.  They inspire me.  They see the truth of me.

But do you see it, or do your eyes only reflect the truth back to me?

You have eyes that see everything, even when you look at nothing.

I’ve tried so hard to hide - my mask is elaborate and hand-carved with great detail.

I’ve spent a lifetime adding thread  by thread, bead by bead, scar by scar,

Garnishing the perfect elaboration, building the perfect distraction.

But can you see me, or do your eyes only reflect me back to me?

I’ve looked into many sets of beautiful eyes,

And they have shown me the splendor of their hosts.

But in your eyes I don’t only see your beauty, but mine.

The first time I ever met their gaze it felt like the foundations of the earth shook,

My knees wanted to bend in worship to the god standing before me.

One glance and a fire ignited deep into my bones.

I’ve tried to run. I’ve tried to hide. I’ve tried to ignore and to deny.

But can you feel me too, or is the fire I feel my own passion reflecting back to me?

Eyes that see - will you look at me and tell me the truth?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Liars and Thieves

The world if full of liars and thieves,

Wearing masks of deception,

Hearts beating with corruption,

Sowing seeds of reprobation,

With no concern for the diseased harvest they produce.

Selfish!

In their drunkenness,

They don’t see the faces full of hunger,

The sallow skin,

The hollow eyes,

The need for somebody to rise up and give a fuck,

To have the courage to speak the truth.

The game is full of liars and thieves,

Rolling shaved dice,

Dealing marked cards,

All the while holding loaded guns beneath the table.

Indifferent!

The poisoned food is eaten by the children,

The bullets fly stray,

Landing in the hearts of the hopeful.

Fuck you, World.  You’re nothing but a liar and a thief.

Till next time,

~Disillusioned No More

I See ...

First of all, I want to give an update to my rant yesterday.  It was as I proclaimed, just a moment.  This morning on my run in the dark, every time I passed a shadow I smiled and whispered “fuck you” and grew stronger and stronger as I sailed past every shadow.  By the time I hit the ¼ mile mark I was almost giddy.  Fear, you will not control me.  I’m not stupid, though.  I still gripped my knife and pepper spray… but I enjoyed the wind on my face, the smell of cedar in the air, the burn in my muscles, and the rapid, steady beat of my heart.  Now if I can just get my breathing under control… I’ll have this made.

The thoughts that flipped through my mind as I ran this morning focused on a dear friend I haven’t heard from in a while and I miss.  I worry about him and hope that all is well.  Most of all, I hope he’s happy.  He’s one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen, and it’s got nothing to do with his physical looks.  He also hides behind a thick mask, but I see him – all of him.

I don’t know if it’s a curse or a blessing, but I see people in a peculiar way.  As Shakespeare said, (I can’t believe I’m quoting that douchebag, but he did have some deep things to say at times.), “All the worlds a stage and all the people are merely players.”  That’s how I see the world.  We walk around with our masks, we move, and dance, and laugh, and speak, but it’s all for show.  As I walk through the masquerade in my own mask, I don’t focus on the colorful, dazzling, sparkling displays, but the eyes behind them.  In those mysterious orbs I see beauty and shadow, love and anger, hope and despair.  I see truth.  There are some people I see and they’re so ugly because their hearts and soul are so black and cold – I physically shiver. Their negativity is like a thick cloud. Then, there are others so beautiful I become mesmerized.

The thing about looking into someone’s eyes, I can tell if they’re looking back at me.  I’ve discovered most people don’t like eye contact.  They look at everything, but me.  We’re afraid to let people see who we really are – because most of the time we can’t even look at ourselves.  We’re like babies, we think if we can’t see others, they can’t see us.  “Though they have eyes, they do not see.”  It’s hard to see the truth, because it’s heavy.  To see the beauty in someone comes right along with their darkness, and that is often a bitter pill to swallow.  I can’t handle everyone’s darkness.

Can I be fooled?  Always.  We can shift from the light to darkness in an instant. I’ve hid in the shadows.  I’ve been terrified that others will see my darkness, get a good look at my shame, and hate or reject me for it.  But when we hide our darkness, we also hide our light. We are fools if we think we can only expose our light - that’s the defect in our masks.  Once we open up and expose ourselves, our shadows are exposed too.  Our shame keeps us dancing, keeps us moving, keeps us smiling, and keeps us hurting.

In my friends and those I love, I see all of it – the beauty and the darkness, and I still love them.  I would fight those shadows, and offer open arms for those times of weakness.  No judgment.  To truly love someone, I have to love all of them.  To love myself, I have to love all of me – the good and the bad, my strengths and my weaknesses. But who sees me? Who really sees me?  You can’t see me unless you look at me, and to see me is to be exposed, because I will see you.

It hurts when those we love leave us – because they’ve closed their eyes, they’ve closed their hearts – shutting us out.  We can’t see them anymore, and they can’t see us… we become just another dancer on the floor, another guest at the ball, another mask.  As you brush past me in this dance, my heart cries out, “Please don’t shut me out.  Don’t close your eyes.  You’re beautiful. Dance with me.  Look at me. See me, because I see … and I still love you.”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Chandelier by Sia

http://youtu.be/8DS-h67qEiY

Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

[Pre-Chorus]
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

Throw 'em back, 'til I lose count

[Chorus]
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

[Pre-Chorus]
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

[Chorus]
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier



Read more: Sia - Chandelier Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Defining Moments

Everyone knows I talk about being honest and living your life to fullest.  I honestly try to live this way to the fullest and best of my ability.  It’s important to me to honest, to face the truth, because I want to be authentic.  But, it’s so hard when we live in a world of masks.

In my pursuit to live in this honesty, I’ve had some defining moments; times where I come face to face with the naked truth about myself. Sometimes that exposed truth becomes overwhelming.  I need those moments, because they are the moments that help lead me down this particular path.  I’m going to talk about one of these defining moments in this post… because that’s what it is for me – defining.

I’ve learned that inside us lives the child we once were.  That child never leaves.  That child often carries our dreams and our wounds.  It’s often the bearer of our joy, playfulness, and spontaneity.  It’s also our inner mirror that reflects to us our most hidden truths during these defining moments.

Very recently, I’ve had one of those defining moments.  I’ve tried to ignore it, I’ve tried to push it away, but the harder I push, the more it reveals itself.    I have a dear friend who sometimes tells me things about myself that my first reaction is to become defensive and deny their statements.  But my Piper’s words won’t leave me.  I hear his voice when I close my eyes, so I try not to close them.  I try to fill and occupy my thoughts with any distraction I can, but as soon as it gets quiet, there they are – his words haunting me, singing to me, demanding my attention.   

I’m learning the people in our lives have different roles and we open ourselves up or close ourselves off to them depending on that particular role.  For this friend, he is the voice of truth – truths I don’t want to face.  He recently told me I was afraid of everything and that I was so damaged I couldn’t see the positive or what was right in front of me.  I disagreed with him, vehemently.  I then hiked the forest alone, I rode down mighty rapids, and I jumped out  of an airplane in an effort to prove to that I’m not afraid of anything and that I’m living my life to the fullest of its potential… yet three little words took my breath away and put me on my bathroom floor. 

In the span of a few minutes… maybe a total of twenty… so many things went through me all at one time, I knew I was in one of those defining moments.  I realized I could face anything in this world -death, disease, destruction - and no matter how strong or how brave I convince myself that I was -I’m still that abandoned little girl left behind, forgotten.  I’m still the young woman waiting for her soldier to come home but never will. I’m still the one that hears about how great, wonderful, and loved I am, but I’m just too much and not ‘the one’.  

Having a defining moment and facing a truth I didn’t want to hear, doesn’t mean I have the answers.  I still don’t know anything.  What am I supposed to do now?  What can I do?  Another friend of mine told me to take a leap, just like I did out that airplane door.  I want to – more than anything in this world, but I honestly don’t know how.  I’m lost.  I’m confused. I don’t know what’s real. I wish someone would just take my hand, wrap their arms around me, and whisper in my ear, “*Come, Come, my Lady, let’s dance.”

*References a story I wrote last year on 01/31/2013

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Pure Notes

The winding path beneath my feet is not made of yellow brick or paved asphalt, but earthen clay covered in autumn leaves. Tumultuous shadows loom behind me, and bare limbs reach out to grab me; to entangle, to ensnare. Chilled winds of uncertainty nip at me, making me shiver.

Bits of sunshine cut through the thick canopy above me, dotting the road, baptizing me in its glory and praise, but its warmth is fleeting. One step away ...once again in shadow, two ...more sun, three ...more shadow, but never sustaining, never sure.

Whispers echo through the pines, those evergreens, always in season, always the same in a forest of changing colors and varying scents. "Come, come," they call, offering a home among the woodland, the accepted majority, kings and queens of their kind. The path is narrow; the limbs push and pull, defining familiar trails.

Into the foggy haze before me, a part of the road lay hidden in the unknown, cloaked in obscurity, and masked with uncertainty, I hear a soft melody. Its rich tone entices me, pulls me, and seduces me with each pure note. My Piper sings to me, "Come, come, my Lady!" I long to obey, to fall under his spell.

The Pines, the Piper. A raging storm ensues. The Pines, the Piper. Calling, drawing, making me dizzy, and twisting me in knots. "Come, come," they implore. Spinning me round and around, entangling bits of my hair, ripping parts of clothes, slicing into my skin, till I'm nothing but a ragdoll.

I fall. "Come, come," I whisper through swollen, cracked lips. "You've taken all I have …sans my heart." Hot tears shimmer down my cheeks. "Come, come, if you dare. Who will love me?"

The Pines remain quiet, stiff in their pride, but in the distant a single, pure note weaves through the forest. My Piper comes. He appears out of the fog, followed by a gay crew of revelers. He stands before me, holds out his hand, a smile tugging on the edge of his lips, and says, "Come, come, my Lady, let's dance."

The New Bachelorette: Dating After 40 - The Truth

My saga into twenty-first century dating over 40 continues and let me tell you, it’s been eye-opening.  I’m learning about so many new things like Catfishing and Polyamory, right along with the tried and true traditional vices like Adultery, Cheating,  Hook-Ups, Herpes and Open-Relationships.

Some of those things I expected to encounter, others have really forced my eyes wide-open in suspended disbelief.  But there’s something else I’ve noticed that I think is even more detrimental and destructive among this wild world of dating… and that is the truth, or lack of it.  So, I thought I’d share just a little bit today.

I’m a writer.  I understand fantasy, fiction,  and fairy tales.  But that world seems to be much more sensible, logical, and plausible than the profiles of many of the current online and offline daters.

Most online profiles read like a laundry list of fantasies and falsehoods of how some people see themselves, or what they think makes them sound good and appealing.  I don’t mind those that say they love the outdoors, it seems EVERYBODY loves the outdoors.  But damn… if you haven’t spent any time in the outdoors in the last couple of years, you don’t really love the outdoors.  You love the idea of the outdoors.  I don’t mind that you love to travel, but how many stamps are in your passport or how many adventure photos do you have?  Sure, EVERYBODY loves to travel, but why waste space on your mini-bio writing something you only love the idea of and have no immediate plans to go anywhere? EVERYBODY is loving, compassionate, and loyal,  except we’re all single, alone or divorced, so there’s been some trouble in one of those departments by either us or our former partners.

But, even so… those are all wonderful qualities to at least ones we should strive for in our selves and in a potential relationship.  However, the profiles that KILL me… that literally have me rolling my eyes and shaking my head are the ones where the dater has absolutely NO common sense.  Here are a few examples of what I mean.

· Don’t post a picture of your truck/car/motorcycle – I immediately pass over those because what that picture tells me is that you’re materialistic and you find your value and worth in the things you possess.  I’m neither about to become another of your possessions, nor come second to your toys. This goes for guys who boast about how much money they make.  I wish they wouldn’t even ask that question.  (Yeah, I know – unfortunately there are gold diggers out there and the sugar daddy’s who like them. Pathetic really.)

· Don’t post a picture of your beer, fish, six-pointer, or your golf clubs.  What this says to me is that if I’m dating you, your first love is “YOU” time, that you love spending time by yourself in the woods hunting, fishing, drinking, and golfing.  There’s nothing wrong with these things in moderation, nor the fact you might love them.  But this is a dating site.  The smart thing would be to show me what fun things you’d want to do WITH a date or a partner… not how you’d spend your time alone.

· For God’s sake, and this if very important,  take a shower, comb your hair, put on a freakin’ shirt and please, please, please …smile.  You don’t know how many pictures I see where the expression on the guy’s face looks like he’s saying, “I hate my fucking life and I’m pissed at the world.”  I’m thinking,  “Wow, you’re a load of fun and I so want to hang out with you.” (Please understand that was said with the thickest of sarcasm.) If you can’t show me being with you will make me happy, I’m running in the other direction. I want to be happy.

· Don’t post pictures of you holding up a wad or fan of money, or shirtless poses, or other distinguishable (and not so distinguishable) parts.  That’s saying, “I’m looking for a hooker. I don’t value you as a person, just a vagina. You mean nothing to me, I just want to get my kicks, use you, objectify you, and then toss you aside for the next good time.”  There are other websites for that sort of ‘dating’.

· Guys, please, get someone to take your picture or get a smart phone that has the reverse photo capability.  I literally laugh out loud at the dozens upon dozens of selfies make with the guy looking like a total dork holding up his camera phone in front of a mirror.  Not that using the camera phone in such a way is dorkish… but it’s the expressions on your faces when taking those kind of photos.  I’m looking for smart, intelligent, creative, a man who can think on his feet.  If he can’t handle a simple cell phone, how will he ever be able to handle me?

· Post a photo.  If you don’t post a photo, you’ll get no response from me or probably anyone else.  The only ones who would respond would probably be the women who’ve broken all the above suggestions themselves and not getting any responses from anyone. I’m not just a pretty face, nor am I looking for just a pretty face. I look at the eyes, the smile to see if I see life or a spark of life in them.  Not posting a photo tells us ladies that you’ve got something to hide or are ashamed of your looks.  Yes, we women love our eye candy just as much as you guys do, but NO WOMAN likes a man with low self-esteem.   Not any real woman.

I want a relationship just as much as the next person.  I love my life and I want to share it with someone.  What I look for in a man for that relationship is so much more than a hot body.  Actually, if your body seems to be the thing you present most or first, I often pass you right by, no matter how good-looking you might be.  I’m mostly looking for qualities in a man that will tell me he will value me, he will pay attention to me, he will care for me, and he will share his life with me.  The profiles that appeal to me most are pictures of the guy smiling, having fun, showing affection to his family or his children, and showing me his accomplishments.

Nothing is more attractive to me than seeing a man beam with pride toward his children or of something he’s worked hard at and accomplished in his life.  It shows me where his heart is.  If I can see the love he has for them, I’ll be able to see the love he would have for me.  A brilliant mind, astounds me. A passionate soul, stirs my passions.  A compassionate man, melts my heart.

But, I guess my idea of ‘dating’ is so much different than the average norm.  It seems sex and physical attraction is up front and center.  Don’t get me wrong, I plan on having lots of wild, crazy sex, but within the confines of a relationship.  My body will follow my heart, yet it seems the world seems to think that the heart will follow the body.

Yes, before I enter into a relationship, there has to be physical attraction, commonalities of interests, and differences enough to bring a unique perspective so there will be balance.  Yet, I’m discouraged most often because I feel like I’m alone in this pursuit by the profiles I read day after day after day.  But, I know that’s not the truth, because the truth is buried deep beneath all these layers of peacock feathers.   It’s truly a treasure when I come across a profile where the guy is just being himself, being honest with himself, making him the most attractive man of the day, at least it is for this bachelorette over 40 looking for love and truth.

Till next time,
~T. L. Gray

Truth

Truth.

It’s such a simple term, but one of the hardest things to face.  We glaze over the word as if we had mastery over it, yet we don’t really even grasp it.  Many of us deceive ourselves into thinking we walk in its essence, often in a cloak of self-righteousness.

I’ve been learning a lot of lessons about truth this year.  Many of these are hard truths about me.  Sometimes I’m proud of what I discover, other times make me cringe and I drop my head in shame. But, I can’t make an informed decision unless I know and face the truth.

We walk around in this world and profess hopes and dreams as truths, and we judge our fellow humans with the same measure of truth we apply to ourselves.  But what is that measure?  Is it the real truth?  Do we really look at ourselves honestly and question our motives, our actions, and our words?

How often have we mistaken an others' intentions, actions or motives because we judged them with our own set of truths? 

We all judge and condemn each other – that is the truth.  We fight amongst ourselves believing WE hold the real TRUTH and those in opposition are wrong.  All of us.   My heart breaks a little more every day when I witness how we treat each other in this world.  I’m not a bleeding heart, but my heart has been battered, bruised, abused, neglected, hated, judged, rejected, broken and discarded all my life, that is the truth.  Yet, I still cling to a hope. 

Truth.  There really is only one and we only have two choices… seek it out or not.  Knowing the truth doesn’t answer all your problems, but it will at least give us a more accurate picture so we can at least take appropriate actions. 

Today, take a moment… and ask yourself, “What is the truth?”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray