Feeling as an Obligation

I’ve experienced many humiliating things in my life, many things I don’t like to even talk about. The damage from those things have left deep scars within me, but none as pronounced as the consequence of feeling as an obligation. Actually, this one thing makes me run for the hills faster than anything else in this world. I don’t run to keep from hurting. On the contrary, I run because I’m hurting very badly. I’m not so strong these days to just ‘suck it up’ and paint a smile on my face as I pretend all is right with the world. That dam blew a few years ago and I’ve been running since.

I suppose this feeling started early in childhood, being told repeatedly that I was a burden, unwanted, unplanned, and a nuisance. Even my nickname was a daily reminder of how much of an burdened obligation I was to my family. I was called “Sap”… because I was that sticky mess one got from a tree and was almost impossible to wash off, no matter how much you hated it. I was bitter and left a bad taste in the mouth. I suppose I wasn’t as sweet as my younger half-sister, whom was called “Sugar”. Later my oldest daughter was called “Sweetie”, but I was always “Sap”.

I became so independent I wouldn’t let people help me. At first, to hide all the secrets that needed to be hidden so that I wouldn’t be taken away from my family, the family that didn’t want me, yet I loved them as all children do. But as I grew older, I became even more independent because I learned to hate them and wanted to get far away, as far as I could. Every relationship I’ve had since, I’d never let anyone have control over me by becoming dependent on them, especially in becoming an obligation.

What I mean by obligation is have someone do something for you NOT because they want to, but because they have to out of responsibility. There’s a lot of things that come with obligation… things such as resentment, bitterness, pity, frustration, blame, and strife. This is true not just in relationships, but for every aspect in life… from work, recreation, socializing, friends, etc.

When the first (I believe only) man that ever really loved me, scars and all, died in combat in Somalia in the early ‘90’s, something else died in me right along with him – I went numb. I soon afterwards got pregnant and married a man who wasn’t in love with me so I could fulfill my own obligations to my children. I was a zombie, yet I searched diligently for years for that spark of life. I search in marriage, I searched in family (his family), I searched in faith (church), I searched in career, I searched in my dreams. Yet, every day I felt unloved, unwanted, as an obligation, and it seared my soul. A couple years ago I left it all. I ran. And slowly, I began to feel again. Granted, I’ve spent pretty much the last few years hurting, crying, with a huge lump in my throat… and some days just begging to be numb again and not feel anything. But, I can’t. There have been some days where I have felt love, I have felt freedom, I have felt so happy and alive. So, no matter how much I may hurt, I can’t shut it off again… because I know there is good to feel too, and all the pain is worth it for those brief moments.

So, I find myself, at the first hint of feeling as an obligation, running… and running fast. It’s the strongest trigger into my PTSD. I wish I was perfect and always responded with perfect reactions, but I don’t. I’m broken, and damaged, and a mess. I’m doing the best I can to be something beautiful and positive in this world. I’ve seen too much ugly. As much as I’d love to promise to never run, I know I can’t make that promise. Just make me feel like an obligation and I don’t think I’d be able to stop from running, even if I wanted. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want you. It simply means… I can’t be “Sap” anymore. She no longer exists and I won’t resurrect her.

I believe… someday, someone will love me enough to stop me.

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

Who Cares?

*A Poem by T.L. Gray


Restful body stirs just before the morning bells.

Eyes open. Stretching. Reaching for the last tendril of the last dream.

Musing. Contemplation. Wondering why I exist, why I continue to breathe. Who cares?



Body moves in motion, burning calories, fat, and stress.

Heart beats. Sweating. Pushing myself toward the next healthy goal.

Thinking. Planning. Wondering why I push so hard, why bother. Who cares?



Fingers fly across the keys, examining, researching as I stay busy.

Mind races. Working. Fulfilling the requirements to take care of myself.

Living. Paying Bills. Wondering why I struggle, why I can’t get ahead. Who cares?



Smelling the wonderful aroma, mixing the ingredients together.

Mouth waters. Smelling. Enjoying the tastes of my creations.

Cooking. Eating. Wondering why I sit alone, why the empty table. Who cares?



Tapping the buttons, playing the character on the screen.

Mind occupied. Distracting. Losing myself into another world.

Gaming. Playing. Wondering how long I can disappear. Who cares?



Pulling the covers over my head, as I snuggle up to my pillows.

Heart broken. Crying. Wishing I could just disappear.

Dreaming. Not Sleeping. Wondering why I’m unlovable. Who cares?



Repeat.

Distorted Image

Okay, here’s another one of those politically correct moments that really grate on my nerves and has inspired today’s blog post. I actually had an idea to post something positive and funny today, you know… ‘cause I was in that sort of mood. But I read an article and that got my thoughts spinning, and that was all well and good. But then I read the comments concerning the article and the floodgates of ‘ah hell’ have opened. So, this is sort of a rant. I apologize in advance, but I’m not sorry for what I’m about to say. I mean every word.

The article that started this whole thing can be found at this link: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/11477512/Schoolboys-should-tell-girls-their-idea-of-a-perfect-woman-says-expert.html.

The piece encourages young men to tell young women, especially during their formative and puberty-challenging years, what they find attractive from physical to personality traits in order to help the young women form a more realistic and healthy view of their own bodies. I found myself nodding my head several times while reading this article.

If you really think about it, the way a girl feels about herself and the level of her attractiveness is dictated by the society around her, all in the effort to attract the young men they interact with. It’s human nature. However, the definition of what ‘beauty’ consists of is portrayed by media and social forums, and most of them have really fucked up views of beauty. They lead many young women to feel bad about themselves due to unrealistic expectations and displays, everyday chipping away at the young women’s self-esteem because they can’t live up to that fantastical image, leading to unhealthy practices, eating disorders, mutilations, etc.

Every woman/girl wants to be attractive and beautiful. We want to be pleasing to the men in our lives, so we go to great lengths to try and fulfill what we think are the ideals of beauty and sexiness. What better way to really learn what is truly beautiful and sexy than directly from the men we are trying to please in the first place? It’s just a thought.

Wait.. I can already hear all the feminists reading this post screeching with.. .”I ain’t trying to please anybody but myself… and “another example of women being told to get our self-esteem from what men think of us. “… yeah, yeah… I know. I’m not disagreeing. I’m a feminist and the first person I try to please before anyone else is ME, including the men in my life. But, I’m also not lying to myself either and pretending I don’t want to look sexy and have my man drooling all over me. I’m a woman. I celebrate being a woman, and as a woman - I want my man to look at me not ONLY with respect and admiration, but lust and desire, and a raw sexual want and need. I want him to be at times unable to keep his hands off me. I want to make him growl wanting me, and grunt while having me, and groan when I’m gone. In all reality, that isn’t going to happen unless I’m attractive to him. So, the ‘smart’ thing to do is find out what he finds attractive and see if that is reasonable and applicable. Yet, the only sources young women have to try to discover this is found in our social media markets… magazines, television, public displays, etc. Hearing the truth from the source is always a better idea than a secondary source.

The other thing in these responses that really set me off was a comment, one I’ve heard a million times before so there’s no animosity toward this certain responder, is: “Though his idea of a girlfriend is that she has to have a model body but also intelligence. I keep telling him he's looking for a needle in a very big haystack.”

My response: “I really hate the idea that just because you might be beautiful you're more than likely stupid. Most beauty comes from confidence... and confidence comes from achievement... and achievement often comes from wisdom, knowledge and determination. What's wrong with someone hoping to find a partner that is not only pleasing to the eye but the mind also? It's phrases like "looking for a needle in a haystack" that encourages people to compromise on what they want and settle for what they think they can get, or doubt something because it comes in a beautiful package. I want beautiful AND smart.. because that's what I want, and I have no bones about saying it. I also think this professor has the right idea. I don't think all the males in the world are idiots either and all of them think their perfect woman is some brainless-model-sex-kitten. That's their sexual fantasy, but they love real women for different reasons, and I've learned its mostly confident women who are honest with them, nurture them, encourage them, and inspire them. I have a male sexual fantasy, Superman, but I wouldn't want to have a relationship with him.. or expect any real man to live up to that image. Nor do I expect any real man to truly expect any real woman to live up to their sexual fantasy. That's why it's called a fantasy. However, love will beat a fantasy any day.” I would like to add, “…but I’d do all I could to try and live up to his sexual fantasy, because it’d be fun and as a woman I naturally like to please people I love and care about. It pleases me to do it.”

But the whole issue comes down to honesty. There’s not enough of that in this world. We live behind our masks. We lie to the world around us. We listen to the lies around us. Mostly, we lie to ourselves. And in this politically correct world, we’re often too afraid to speak out in search of that truth in fear of being outcast. Deception is all we see. The disguises we wear are all we notice. And our young women continue to fight through these self-esteem issues with the lies they’re fed and bombarded with every day. It’s sad how many of them lose that fight and succumb to the peer-pressures and never truly discover the real beauty within them. I mostly feel for our young men who never get to get the opportunity to see that true beauty either, only the distorted image. This whole issue works just as well for men as women in reverse. But, hey… let’s not talk about it, ‘cause we might hurt someone’s feelings.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Falling Out of Love

Is this really possible? Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’ve experienced it on both sides of the coin, am experiencing a form of it now, and yet I still don’t understand how such a thing can really occur.

It’s easy to get angry at the opposite end of a love affair falling apart. We are beings that change, adapt, evolve and go through several metamorphosis on a constant basis. There’s no such person that always ‘stays the same’. Yet, as much as we change we are also creatures of habit.

I think the part that hurts most in a Falling Out of Love experience is the change that occurs when the habits, especially the habits that made us most happy, are the ones that change. I.e. – Simply saying ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’… and having that suddenly or slowly stop. I had a friend and it drove him crazy with me simply sending him a good morning and good night text every day. He never understood that it was my way of saying to him that he was important to me… that I thought about him in my early morning thoughts, wished him well through the day, and then as I meditated before I fell asleep he was a part of those thoughts as well. But because my habits bothered him, I stopped (mostly)… and with it… I stopped thinking about him so much. Days sometimes go by where I barely think of them at all, or mention his name, or concern myself with his well-being. I miss him terribly, but I don’t want to bother him either. The daily wishes… were more for me than for him. I’ve been forgotten, left behind, and abandoned a lot… and I never wanted anyone I care about to ever feel that from me. So, I try to keep the ones I care about most fresh in my thoughts. Yet, I still sometimes find myself reluctant to send a simple, “good morning” thinking I’m bothering them.

When you’re in a relationship, regardless of the type of relationship, we develop habits on how we relate to one another. Those tend to be the first things that change when the relationship changes. It’s always small changes, a slow pulling away, that happens when a relationship is fading out. Those are painful if you are observant enough to see them. The absence of these habits produces emotional holes. If you are used to communicating with someone every day, consistently, and they suddenly stop or those communications get farther apart, it hurts. It hurts because you know the embers are dying and unless the coals are flamed, they will fizzle.

This is where my stubbornness hurts me most. If I feel someone withdrawing from me, I slam up my walls preparing myself for the pain I know is coming. I should be pumping air onto those smoldering coals, but instead I withdraw further away. I run… emotionally and physically.

I’m not saying that’s the thing to do. On the contrary… that’s the thing NOT to do. I’ve never saved a relationship by walking away or letting them walk away. But, it’s one of my triggers. It’s one of my self-preservation psychotic moves. Just because I will stand back and allow people to walk away from me, doesn’t mean I don’t care or that it doesn’t hurt. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I still have holes where people have walked away from me and I let them go. But it doesn’t mean I ever stopped loving them. How is that even possible? For me, I have truly loved them all, and in some ways still do. What died was the relationship, the communication, the connection, but the beautiful things I loved about them are still there. Perhaps it’s just me because it sure seems they stopped loving me. I don’t think any of my exes hate me, but did they ever really love me? Do they think fondly of me on those rare moments I brush across their thoughts? Who knows.. it doesn’t matter because they’re not here now. They walked away or else let me walk away. I had friends I thought would be in my life forever that are nowhere to be found. I had lovers who I couldn’t imagine my life without. Yet, here I am today alone, yet still breathing, still living, still existing, just not in their world.

So, did the love just fall away? Did it just stop? Or just the effort to fight for it? Will I ever be worth fighting for in someone’s life? To maintain a relationship with me, they’ll have to fight for me, because I won’t stop them if they ever chose to leave. Watching them leave is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced, because I’m helpless to stop, to change, to save the fall. I’ll never be where I’m not wanted. Never. Being in a relationship like that doesn’t just hurt emotionally, it kills the soul.

I don’t the answer. I don’t know if falling out of love is possible, but falling out of habit is very much real.

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

Jump, Damn It!

I had a very thought-provoking conversation with a dear friend of mine this weekend. I don’t feel I had anything wise to say to him during the conversation, well, not anything beneficial, but the heart of the matter has continually been rolling around in my mind since he spoke. He’s at a crossroads in his life and having an existential moment, questioning the decisions he’s made, is making, or will make in the future. He’s full of anxiety, some regret, some fear, yet there’s some hope too.

“I realize I’m living every day of my life for retirement but not for today, and I’m miserable,” he said.

My heart broke for him because I know what that moment feels like. I’ve been going through it these last few years ago. I quickly felt overwhelmed, filled with anxiety, because I wanted to tell him to be careful. Uprooting your life and throwing everything you’ve worked hard for away as you step to change it, will take a certain amount of courage. And the cost … well, the cost is the true risk, and the risk is sometimes very high. But is it worth it? It was for me. But, that’s me, and he’s not me.

There was a moment we were talking and I don’t think I expressed clearly something that I recently discovered in my own life-uprooting journey, and that concerns taking a risk and who’s willing to actually do it. I hope I can explain it better here than I could then.

How much risk is a risk if you’re jumping with a safety net? How much bravery is required to jump with safety lines connected to you and you know that though the experience will be thrilling, it’ll also be safe and you’ll live? Imagine jumping from a cliff with no safety line, no assurance, no insurance, and no back-up plan. You MUST defy gravity and the laws of physics and fly. And if you don’t fly - you die?

I’ve watched many people in my life NOT take a risk, not make a change in their lives because they were too afraid to lose all they’ve worked for up to that point. Because … to make this kind of change is to risk everything. I understand the hesitation, but then again, I don’t. I don’t understand why people who can afford to fail because they have a back-up plan, a source of protection, or a support system to help them if they should crash, remain rooted at the edge of a dead field, yet choose to remain on the cliff, or wait to be pushed before they leap. I’ve also watch these same people being tortured with regret and haunted by the proverbial “what if” when they don’t jump. Most make excuses for their practical decisions, but they can’t lie to themselves all the time. The truth has a way of bursting free at odd times, especially right in the middle of the night when you’re just about to reach the best sleep of your life.

This isn’t a motivational message to encourage anyone to jump into a risky situation. It’s a warning… that if you’re thinking about jumping there are real risks involved. You can fail. You can crash. You can lose everything. I have lost security, money, position, reputation, possessions, things, stuff, respect, admiration, dreams… but most of all… I’ve lost love. I’ve jumped. I’ve crashed. I’ve burned. Yet like a phoenix, I’ve risen from the ashes.

Listening to my friend pour out his heart, which I appreciate very much that he loves me enough to share this difficult time with me, I can’t help but learn something else about myself. We should always strive to learn from those around us, letting their experiences be a teaching tool for us, or at least a measuring rod or mirror to help us see ourselves better. Hearing the pain and anxiety in his voice, reminded me of my own fears and anxieties. Without a doubt if I were in his shoes, I’d have no problem walking away from the life he’s built for himself, because I’ve done it already in my own life and KNOW, not suspect but know, that cutting ‘stuff’ out of my life didn’t mean anything. The world didn’t stop, though I wished it would have, the other people in my life didn’t suffer because of my decisions, though I wished some of them had, and I’m still alive, though many times I thought the pain of my heartbreak was going to surely suffocate me. I don’t think I was able to properly breathe for almost two years.

I jumped from that cliff with my arms wide open, and I crashed hard. Then, when I was on the ground, darkness, heartache, and death surrounded me and tortured me daily. Several times I wanted to die. Many times I thought of killing myself because the pain was just too much. I was so lost. I was so scared. I was so alone. I didn’t know who I was anymore, because I lost the labels and the identity that the world gave me, that others had put on me, especially the ones I had put on myself. I lost everything. I lost everyone, and it hurt like hell. But, as that identity was stripped from me, as the mask I had worn before the world was removed, there was nothing else left to face but the real me. She was a dirty, ragged, starved, naked, unwanted little thing. But she wasn’t that way because of what the world had done to her. No. Her condition was because of what I had done to her, how I had neglected her, how I had forced her year after year after year to deny herself to fulfill responsibilities and expectations. I took all the credit for the things she’d accomplished. I wasn’t the fighter, the survivor, the lover, the forgiver, or the wise. She was. She was that small voice of reason that could be heard when all my yelling would stop. I hated her. I was ashamed of her. I despised her because I thought she was weak. But, she wasn’t the weak part of me. That outer mask that I worked so hard to create, in a vain effort to protect myself from the world and it’s judgment, was the weak part. That part of me depended on her own strength, ability, knowledge, and effort to get through this life. She convinced herself that she could work hard enough to earn love and respect… and that she could do it all by herself. That part of me was wrong. My college degree, my salary, my status, my church membership, my family name, my talents, my acumen, and even my pretty face all failed to grant me those things in life I thought I deserved. I didn’t live or have time for the things that did matter…precious things only found when you live in the moment, when you live in the day, when you live for what your heart desires and not for the practicality of what the world expects from you. Things like faith (not religion), hope (not a wish list) and love (not sex).

Wrapping my arms around my friend, I wanted more than anything to pour those little tendrils of love I’ve recently received in my life. Because I knew if he ever felt it, if he could just touch the edges of that miracle it would strengthen him. Every day I seek those moments, those beautiful moments when the world just shifts in the right paradigm. I still have to fight the old me for those moments, casting down the loud strong voices of opposition, of rational thought. I still seek that deep, true love, that fire, that passion, …that naked truth. I’ve tasted it. I’ve had a moment of looking into another pair of eyes and seeing and feeling something real, something beautiful, so I know beyond doubt it exists. It’s out of my reach at the moment and it tortures my soul that I can’t have it, and I struggle to understand why I’m denied it. But knowing it simply exists gives me hope I’ll find it again. Maybe not today, maybe not in the same pair of eyes or behind the same mask, but it’s out there. That love that I felt, oh my god, it shook me to my very core. And that inner woman inside of me… she sang the most beautiful song. I can still hear her song. When I close my eyes, I can still feel the music of that love. When I remember… I can still taste it, and it was good.

So, if I could convey to my friend only one thing… it would be:

“Don’t worry about tomorrow’ for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Therefore, I tell you, don’t be anxious for your life: what you will eat, or what you will drink; nor yet for your body, what you will wear. Isn’t life more than food, and the body more than clothing?” ~ Jesus Christ.

My friend, don’t be like the rich man in Luke 12 who tore down his barns and built bigger ones and said that his life was good because of all the possessions he had gained. God called him a fool because that very night his life was required of him and he had no one to leave all his treasure, no one to morn his passing, no one to miss him. His life meant nothing because it was spent chasing down what he could collect, not what he could spend or use while he was here, or for love he could share. Treasure is meant to be displayed, used, worn, and given, not stuffed in a barn and buried somewhere. He didn’t live for the day, but for the ‘morrow … for his retirement. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, neither is retirement. Success is not guaranteed, neither is failure. Satisfaction is not guaranteed, neither is want. What I do know is that regret is preventable and love is possible. So jump, damn it. I hope you fly. I hope you soar to the greatest heights. But if you fall, if you crash and burn, I’ll be there to hold your hand.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Will You Kiss Me?

Will you kiss me?

My first romantic inclination began with the fantasy of a kiss at ten years old as I watched Superman fly among the clouds holding onto Lois Lane’s hand. I wanted to be her. I wanted to fly. I wanted to have someone read my thoughts, know what deep secrets hid inside my heart behind my thick wall of tragedy and lies. I wanted to be saved. I wanted to be kissed.

Will you kiss me?

My first real kiss at fifteen, not that wet awkward secret smack at five beneath the art table in Kindergarten, happened with my first crush. We met beneath the bleachers at the Pepperell football game. I can still remember how my lips tingled and my whole body shivered, and how his tongue tasted like Juicy Fruit gum. Even now, though he’s but a distant memory, I can still feel his fingers on the back of my neck and the way his thumb traced the side of my face.

Will you kiss me?

It may not have been my first kiss, but when a handsome soldier held my hand as we walked along the moonlit beach arguing over the constellations, he stopped me, placed both his hands on the sides of my face and looked me directly in the eyes as he declared his deepest love for me …that kiss brought me to life. I still sometimes feel the power of the bus station goodbye kiss. I hate constellations. I hate beaches. I hate bus stations. I hate goodbyes.

Will you kiss me?

Standing on that pickup curb at the airport, my legs shaking, my heart racing, and losing my breath at the sight of those hazel eyes, I almost couldn’t feel it when his lips connected with mine. It was overwhelming, because though I was in a place I’d never been, I felt at home. I felt safe. I felt found.

Will you kiss me?

Him lying across the foot of my bed, listening to me read to him from across the room, after enjoying a great meal and even better stimulating conversation, I felt him watching me and I couldn’t concentrate. I just wanted to kiss his perfectly plump lips. I always wait for the first move, brace myself, put up my guard and my walls, and then fight like hell to bring them down, usually unsuccessfully. Not with him. I actually asked for permission. I made the first move for the first time. Lightning struck and it burned hot. It still burns, haunting my dreams, torturing my imagination. It is so close yet beyond reach.

Will you kiss me?

Anticipation. Confliction. A secret kiss. So sweet. So gentle. So good. A stomach full of butterflies. A youthful invigoration. A smile. Untainted love.

Will you kiss me?

Who are you? Where will you come from? When will we meet? Will you soar with me in the clouds, taste sweet and tingly, bring me to life, make me feel safe and at home, burn with fire, and feel so innocent and sweet?

Can I kiss you? Please?

The Perfect Man

As most of you already know… okay, fine… so as ALL of you already know, I’m single and haven’t been very successful in the crazy world of 21st century dating over 40. I think it’s because I just haven’t found my Mr. Perfect yet, but some of my best friends would argue that it’s because I’ve set the bar too high, that I dismiss way too easily, or that I have a list waaaayyy too long that no man alive on earth could ever possibly fill it. Others have told me they think I’m just being too careful and not opening my heart enough to allow anyone in, and even one of my romantic interests told me, “for someone so smart, you can be very obtuse”. I think perhaps I’m already in love with the perfect man, I just haven’t met him yet.

First of all, to answer all these accusations (which I find quite extraordinary how everyone has an opinion on the subject in regards to me and my dating life, yet their own lives don’t reflect their advice or any evidence they have any better idea of love and relationships more than the rest of us – but that’s another blog post) concerning all my faults, I’d like to clear up a few things.

1. I haven’t set the bar too high. How can a bar be set too high anyway? When is someone too good or not good enough? How low is a low set bar – prison bars, still lives at home with his mother at 45, has more debt than the federal reserve? I feel my bar is set just right. I don’t want a ‘broke ass man’, but I don’t want one that’s so successful he doesn’t enjoy life in pursuit of wealth or position. I don’t mind hard work as long as there is also hard play. I don’t mind struggling as long as I’m not being carried or have to carry someone else, but that we help one another. Ever hiked with someone? It takes a little give and take, some leading and following. It’s about being together and doing things together as partners in good times and bad. Yes, I have a bar… I set the bar to the level I believe I deserve. I’m a smart, beautiful, healthy, passionate woman. I set my bar based on what kind of guy deserves a woman like that. What’s wrong with that? In return, I feel I deserve romantic, faithful, funny and smart. Sheesh!

2. I don’t dismiss way too easily. In fact, I usually give a man plenty of time to try and right his mistakes or make an effort to show his intentions. If he doesn’t call me, text me, message me, or communicate with me in any way, shape, or fashion except the day of or hour before a date, he can find another date. I want something real. I want to be important in his life. I want to be someone he thinks of in the middle of the day for no other reason than I’m on his mind. I want him to ‘share’ his life with me… different parts of it. While I never initiate, I do respond. If I don’t feel ‘wanted’ as a whole person, then I will walk away without batting one of my real or false lashes. I’ve lived too long not being wanted. I’ll never do that again. It hurts me to walk away, but I already know it’ll hurt more to stay.

3. List? I don’t have a list? I have standards. But as far as a man having certain unchangeable things like physical features, personality traits, or hobbies that doesn’t mean anything. I don’t really have a physical type because I find beauty and attractiveness in many different aspects. I’m a sapiosexual, intelligence turns me on more than anything else. Sure, there are some physical traits my body responds to more than others (beautiful eyes, dimples, thick thighs, strong hands), but none of them are deal-breakers, EXCEPT someone who is unhealthy. A sick, unfit person would be detrimental to my own physical health and well-being. So, yes… I hesitate to enter into a relationship with someone that would be destructive to the relationship I have with myself. It took too damned long to learn to love myself and I will protect me as much as I possibly can physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally.

4. Too Careful? How can anyone be too careful? Perhaps people should be a little more careful and we’d have less heartbreak in the world. Perhaps if we took our time and actually tried to get to know a person before we jump right into a commitment, relationships wouldn’t implode so soon. I’ve had someone I loved very much think by me not saying “I love you” only after a short while was an indication that I didn’t love them at all or that I wasn’t interested in having a serious relationship with them. In fact, I was very much in love with them, but I wanted to build something good, something real, something strong so I held back getting lost in the emotion and ended up losing them instead. We live in such a fast-paced world filled with instant gratification, no one takes times to build any solid foundations anymore. Building on shifting sand never lasts. Am I foolish to want something strong, something that will survive during the storms I know that will come? If I ever tell you “I love you” it will be because I’d mean it with every part of my heart. I don’t say what I don’t mean.

Does the perfect man exist? No. Neither does the perfect woman. But I do believe there is a man out there that will be perfect for me. He won’t be the richest, most successful, most handsome, most romantic, most intelligent, or sexiest man alive, but he will be everything I want, need, and hope for… he will suit me, push me, inspire me, make love to me, irritate me, confront me, turn me on, move me, piss me off, make me laugh, make me think outside the box, but most of all love me just as I am.

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

My Own Fairy Tale

I can do so many amazing things. I’ve accomplished countless great things in my life already and have the ability, talent, and drive to be successful at many more. I never run from a fight, I stand up for who I am and what I want, and I try to be as fair as I possibly can in an unfair world. So, why am I so scared? Why do my hands literally shake at the thought of exposing my fiery heart and letting someone in?

I don’t lack for self-esteem. I have come to love myself greatly. I’ve learned to appreciate myself for the rare beauty that I am, respect myself for my opened mind, and know without doubt I’m worth fighting for. I’ve learned to love and appreciate the simplistic beauty of a soul, to see beyond masks, and choose to love anyway – just as they are, not trying to change them to fit into an old fantasy or idea of who they should be. But deep inside there is still this scared little beast who doesn’t believe she’s capable of being loved, of being chosen, that the glass slipper will fit, or the curse be broken with a simple kiss.

Here’s the hard part. I’m not without love. I am already very much loved. I have some good friends who love all the complicated mess that makes me who I am. They’re in my corner. They believe in me. They see me… all of me, my true self, and love me anyway. I know if they could, they’d wave their magic wands and transform my life into the dream I desire, but they can’t. They’re not fairy godmothers, mice who turn into men, pumpkins who transform into carriages to take me directly to my Prince Charming. In my world, I have to make my own damned clothes, hike all the way to the castle, declare my right to be there no matter what anyone else says, ignore all the stares and judgments from all the snobs because I’m different, walk with my head high among the whispers, and keep telling myself that I’m worth it and somewhere among all these frogs there is a Prince just for me.

It’s hard attending this ball. I’ve witnessed time and again other princesses kiss their frogs and have them transform into beautiful princes. So far, all the princes I’ve kissed have remained frogs. While our meeting, conversation, and dance has been beautiful and even magical, it hasn’t been enough to break the spell. Yet I still hope. Not that a kiss will save me or wake me from a deep sleep… but that it will set me on fire and I unfurl my wings and soar into the heavens. What prince ever loves the dragon?

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

Focused Leap

I find it hard to really focus sometimes. I don’t think it’s because of some medical reason, but more of huge mental and psychological issues within myself. When I find myself looking for distraction it often means I’m wanting to hide, to escape, to avoid, to protect. But from what? It could one of a million things.

I’m a fighter. I’m strong-willed. I’m confident and courageous. But, I’m also very afraid. I’ve been burned. I’ve fallen hard. I’ve been so down, so lost, and so hopeless at times that I didn’t want to live anymore. I’ve seen and experienced horrors that would make nightmares pale in comparison. Yet, I have survived. I have overcome. I have defeated. Though rejected in the most cruel way, I still hold hope to be loved. Though abandoned, I still hope to be wanted. Though despised, I still hold hope to be desired.

There are no promises. There are no guarantees. There is only hope. All evidence points to an impossible existence, but I need only to remind myself of all the impossible things I’ve already accomplished. The only thing stopping me is choosing to focus. Once I make up my mind, turn my attention toward the thing I desire most, that’s when I leap. I always leap. It always requires a leap of faith. I leap knowing I could fall, knowing I could crash, knowing it could destroy me. But even more… I know not leaping would kill me.

What focused leap do you face?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

One Last Night

*A Flash Fiction Piece by T.L. Gray*


Gray clouds billow above the white foamy surf as fog rolls like a trampling stampede upon the surface of the cerulean sea. The crash of waves upon the rocks reminds me of my lovers tryst; the sea spray our wild release. I stand at the widow, staring out at the cold, magical, monochromatic morning, my chest heavy with sorrow, but no regret.

The view before me blurs amid the hot, silver tears as they fill my eyes. I flush as each warm memory fills my mind’s eye. I wrap my arms tight around me and let the images take me back, take me into our one last night.

~

Dark eyes stared into my soul, undressing me, exposing the deepest part of me, stealing my breath.

Strong, gentle fingers slowly traced the side of my face, moving slowly down my neck, and onto my shoulders, shakily leaving a trail of prickling anticipation and sweet adoration.

I shivered.

He smiled.

I let go.

Two hearts beat in unison as our bodies converged into one, staring into each other’s eyes, feeling the love, forgetting the world outside. Nothing else existed. Nothing else mattered. Giving. Receiving. Loving. Worshipping. Sharing. No words. No promises. No lies.

My eyes grew heavy as my head rested on his chest, listening to his strong heartbeat, feeling the comforting warmth of his arms wrapped around me, his fingers gently caressing me. A perfect moment.

I didn’t look back as he left. I couldn’t.

~

I now stand empty, cold, and alone. I can still hear his gentle breathing and feel the lingering sting of his touch, but only as ghosts and silhouettes. I walk toward those cold, crashing waves, letting go of my will, my fight, my resolve, shedding my earthly shell and the last tendrils of my humanity. I disappear into the abyss.

Death holds his bony fingers out toward me and asks, “Was it worth it, your one last night?”

I take his hand, look up at him, and smile, “What night?”

Get Me?

Someone sent me a meme yesterday and upon first glance I thought it was a clever meme, but didn’t really think much about it. At least, that’s what I thought. I was wrong. The meme: “Understanding is deeper than knowledge. There are many who know you, but there are very few who understand you.”

The following bit of banter followed:

Me: “Indeed, I’m sharing that one.”

Him: “I know.”

Me: “I know you know. You know?”

Him: “I know.”

Me: “I like a man that knows what to know.”

Him: “A wise man knows he knows nothing at all.”

Me: “That too is something to know. Knowing to know nothing is knowing something indeed.”

Him: “Indeed.”

Within an hour of receiving that meme I had more than a dozen deep thoughts. I mostly considered the people who say they know me, who believe they know me, who once thought they knew me … but how many don’t or didn’t get me. The funny thing is … it’s a person that doesn’t know much of anything about me who gets me most of all. Those who were supposed to love and understand me most in this world, never got even close.

Then, I stumbled upon a song “Gotten” by Adam Levine and it just hit my soul like a ten-ton elephant. I can’t shake it. I can’t get it out of my system. I’ve cried a dozen times already. I’m crying right now as I’m writing this blog post.

“I’ve been saving …these last words for …one last miracle, but now I’m not sure. I can’t save you if you don’t let me. You just get me ...like I’ve never been gotten before.”

I suppose if I have one wish it would be to find someone who truly gets me. I want to be able to look at them in the eyes, and without having to say a single word, know they get me. I want to look in their eyes and know… they know. They know how I feel, what I think, why I respond the way I do, what I need, what I want, and how much I love them. I’d also like to do the same. I want to look into a pair of eyes and see love… love for me and all the craziness that I am. All without words. That’s quite contrary to a person who makes a living with her words.

“I’ve been saving …these last words for …one last miracle, but now I’m not sure. I can’t save you if you don’t let me. You just get me ...like I’ve never been gotten before.”

Get me?

~T.L. Gray

Beautiful Sad Dream

I had a very beautiful dream last night. It wasn’t anything kinky or adventurous, just a sweet moment of a man and a woman lying in each other’s arms in a meadow, staring up at the sky, pointing at the clouds, and laughing about what their imaginations morphed the many cirrus wonders into. Of course I’d like to believe I was the woman, but I didn’t recognize the man. He’s not anyone I’ve ever met before, or perhaps a culmination of all the men I’ve known in my life into one.

There was a familiarity about my love, though I saw no details… well, no details of his face. I heard a voice and it was calming and he had a hearty laugh, and it made me giggle like no problems existed in the world. I smelled the light scent of musk, and it made me feel at home after being gone away for a long time. I felt the warmth of his body next to mine and the steady beat of his heart, and it made me feel loved as I’ve never been loved. His outstretched arm was strong just like his gentle hands, and they made me feel safe as if the world held no danger. His fingers intertwined with mine, and it was beautiful, and made me feel complete as if we were one.



The sad part of this beautiful dream is that I had to wake up.

True Devotion

*I am not defending or tearing down this book or movie.  This is about a conversation.*

I had another one of those deep, thought-provoking conversations with a good friend of mine this morning, this time it was on the subject of 50 Shades of Grey and the aspect of devotion. This in-depth enlightenment spawned from a meme that said, “Fifty Shades of Grey is romantic only because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.”

~

My comment: “I agree… however, what I think most people miss about that whole story, because they’re fixated on the kinky sex (which I think is interesting), is the way Christian made Anastasia feel. That’s what women desire and why they love this story … a man in control, yet completely devoted. That’s desirable, no matter penthouse or trailer park. Unfortunately, there’s not much complete devotion these days, except from perverts, pedophiles and predators.”

His response: “There is devotion. But the women have to make the man feel that way. If you read the book, you will know there is a hint to this all across it that makes him devoted and madly in love with her. If you don’t have that connection right from the start, it is impossible for a man to show that kind of devotion. It’s kinda like that ‘love at first sight’ thing with a twist.”

My response: “I don’t think so, not at first. I think it’s only possible when trust is established. First sight is chemical and the birth of the fairy-tale dream, but devotion is developed along with trust. A woman’s devotion is given to a man she trust with her heart, mind and body. Trust isn’t automatic, but developed. That’s also very apparent in this book. As Anastasia learned to trust Christian, mostly through the BDSM (which is based on trust), she began to trust him with everything else, including her heart.”

His response: “Then you have never loved at first sight. I can tell you that within 5 minutes of meeting someone. I’ve been that devoted.”

My response: “Yes, I have. I didn’t think ‘love at first sight’ existed until it happened to me.”

His response: “So, your statement is incorrect, based on your experience.”

My response: “No, because devotion never manifested in that relationship because of a lack of trust. Not because of anything he did, but because of trust issues deep-seeded in myself, combined with the fact the love was unrequited. I understand devotion. I spent 20 years of my life devoted to a man who didn’t love me out of principle. So, I do believe in devotion, just not complete devotion without trust.”

His response: “Sorry for you. Hard life you had.”

My response: “Nah, it just hasn’t been my time yet. I didn’t know my last love existed before I met him, so I have hope that my next love is out there somewhere and I’ll meet him someday, and I’ll be glad, even if I have him for only one night like the last man completely devoted to me. I’ve had my Christian Grey, that’s how I know such devotion exists when trust is developed. I just lost him, that’s all.”

~

So what do you believe? Do you believe a man can be completely devoted at first sight? Or do you believe that while he may be attracted at first sight, the true devotion becomes stronger as the trust between the couple grows? One thing I know, if you don’t trust someone, you won’t be totally devoted to them. You’ll hold back a part of yourself out of self-preservation.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Omega Victrix Mortalis - February 2015

Every kind of group filled with human being goes through a constant metamorphosis. It will never be the same today as it was yesterday, or as it will be tomorrow. As long as people have free will, change in inevitable. The same goes for clan membership. Omega Victrix Mortalis is filled with human beings, creatures filled with different backgrounds, ideas, passions, levels of maturity, and experiences. However, there are some traits that should be cultivated in order for the group to strive and continue to grow.

I'm very proud of OVM. There have been some members that have come and gone, others who are in constant pursuit to steal our members away to their own clans, and yet others who come from other places seeking something new, wanting something more than just the game.

What I love most about this clan is that our coming together isn't JUST about the game. We have and are becoming a network of friends who love and support one another in life - not just bounties, strikes, matches, missions, and raids. We are family. It breaks my heart when we lose one of our members to another clan, much the way losing a friend or family member. However, members are free to come and go as they will. As as long as the moves are open and honest, there should be no reason we can't continue to be friends and support one another ..even if we're not clan members. Trust, however, once lost ...is almost impossible to regain. Loyalty is not just a one time thing that is proven with one act, or can be traded for one moment, but is a part of the integrity a person already has within them. I am loyal to my friends and family. They come first. If loyalties are divided, so is the mindset, and also the respect. Matthew 6:24 - "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other." Alliances are preferable to divided loyalties. Respect is a two-way street. Promises made should be kept.

OVM has recently added a few new members. Veteran OVM's, please do all you can to welcome new clan members. Attend to their needs, help them with their missions, invite them into your hearts, make room for them into your gaming lives, and treat them with the respect you'd want to receive. Support them, help them become the best at their game, cheer them on, let them know and feel they're part of the family. I love you all. I miss the ones we've lost, but it is what it is. Guard your hearts and don't let your actions be 'just about the game'. OVM is more than just a clan. Destiny, AC Unity, Halo, GTA5, COD, etc. are all just games, but OVM is filled with friends and family, and that is much more important than any game.

Here is the OVM clan roster as of 02/19/2015:

PhoenixMortalis - Founder/God (College Student/CSI)

KV Kvothe - Administrator/Goddess (Writer/Consultant)

iTz CriMSonDxsk - Administrator/God (College Student/Medical Field) - Currently in the finals for COD MLG team! Go, Crimson!

RevertantPath - Administrator/God (High School Student)



CJBIGMAC - Guardian/Demigod (College Student/Mechanical)

iTz CriMSonJr - Guardian/Mascot (Student)



greyNinja - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

Deathstroke1997 - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

GODLY Furrrball - Guardian/Mortal (Business Owner/Operator)

InfernoVictrix - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

XxTrsXShotxX - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

Set Off The DJ - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

oZ Bacon - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

oZ Vinyl - Guardian/Mortal (Canadian... but we won't hold that against him.)

oZ Shocx (Shocx Gaming) - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

the Cheeseki11er - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

BABYDOLL 143 - Guardian/Princess (Bartender)



Till next time,



~KV Kvothe

Complicated Life

Some of the most profound conversations happen at the oddest times, often unplanned and unexpected. As I was falling asleep last night, my mind half suspended between listening to the repetitive beating of my heart, being grateful to be alive, and trying to catch the swirling thoughts filtering through my mind, I focused on one particular idea fading in and out. Without thought, perhaps subconsciously my soul reaching out to a distant friend, I sent the following text message, “Will life always be this complicated?”

I didn’t expect a response. I closed my eyes, pulled the blankets up to my neck, and hugged my pillow as I started to drift once again into the land of dreams and thoughts. A deep sense of longing for something familiar overwhelmed me. Scenes of my life, people who’ve come and gone, flashed through my mind’s eye. The world keeps changing, nothing ever stays the same, and the people I have loved most in this world have disappeared from my life for various reasons. I hated that moment. I remembered the shallow promises from each one, reminded that life never works out the way we plan, the way we hope, or the way we’ve been led to believe.

I have no regrets, because I’ve lived my life as open and honest as I could, and tried with all my heart to be enough, to be my best, to give my best. It was never enough. It’s my own fault, because I believed the lies, I hoped for the false dreams, I set my expectations high. I thought I could control the outcome with discipline, faithfulness, honesty, faith and hope. I controlled nothing.

The response I received was but a simple word, but it opened the floodgates inside my soul. His words have always been able to do that to me. No matter the state of our relationship, which at this time is non-existent, my muse answered, “Ahuh”.

I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, the tears of disappointment, of heartbreak, of facing the reality of a situation. I saw the good of life mixed with the bad, the happy moments meshed with the moments of utter pain, a brief glance of love mixed with the face of indifference. It was all one big mess. I responded, “That’s nice to know, good night.”

He responded, “If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be life.”

That broke the dam inside and I lashed out, “Why doesn’t it come with an instruction manual, or at least a YouTube video, with guidelines? Instead we have fuckups leading fuckups into one rut (a ditch without end) after another, and the independent sojourner aimlessly wandering in never-ending wastelands. Yet, I still dream of paradise (which turns out is actually a sectioned portion of Hell).” 

Meaning – nobody knows the answers, and if we think we do, it’ll turn out to be another lie. We have preachers, prophets and priests telling us their interpretation of God’s guidelines, but all live as hypocrites. We have the politically correct demanding its own set of rules in the name of intolerant tolerance. We have the pacifist, atheist, and various deist all demanding a voice, screaming over each other, but not listening. I am as a child standing in a desert, looking for an answer, but only able to hear a roaring sandstorm. It’s choking me, filling my ears, my mouth, my eyes, and my lungs full of bitter sand. I can’t breathe. My soul needs water. I’m thirsty.

I long for the day when I can close my eyes and finally rest, yet I fight like hell to keep that day from coming as long as I can. Ahuh, life is certainly complicated.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Sun-Kissed

I hear the sound of the pouring rain outside my office and I can’t stop the smile forming across my face. The tempest outside is loud. It’s hard. It wonderfully glorious. Not because I particularly like the rain, which I do, but because I feel as though my naked soul stands beneath a majestic downpour filled with new grace, new life, and new beginnings. I’ve carried around the ashes of grief long enough. I feel light. I feel …ready.

For the first time in my life my present, my life, and my future belong to me, and only me. I’m alive. I’m free. I won’t be chasing dead dreams, but dreaming new ones.

Love me, hate me, envy me, or despise me – I honestly don’t care. Just watch me - amazing things are happening!!!!!!!

It was once prophesied over me that I had been called before I was born, marked and targeted; that my life would be shattered into a million pieces; that there were several tentacle arms reaching out to grab and bind me and keep me from my mission; and that like a ship I would be dashed upon the rocks and left for dead. Yet a tempest would come and wash away the debris and I would rise from the wreckage with 9 stars above my head, sun-kissed, strong, wielding a sword, with coal-touched lips filled with words of fire that would weave its way through the universe and touch the hearts and minds of kings and priests.

When I heard that prophecy the creative writer in me thought it’d make for a good story, but was certain the minister who gave it must clearly be mistaken, confused, and perhaps a little crazy. But those words have never left me. I’d laugh them off at times, chuckle at their absurdity, roll my eyes at their sensationalism, and shake my head. I have no idea what it even means, but perhaps there’s something subconsciously inside me that likes the rain because I’m clinging to a hope for this prophesied relief.

It doesn’t matter. Whether the prophecy is real or a joke, I feel my soul dancing in the rain. I have been shattered, abandoned and broken as I tangled with death – death of a dream, death of a promise, death of a marriage, and death of a friendship – yet I’m still alive. Even cancer couldn’t defeat me.

What do I do now?

I LIVE!

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

Morning Musings and Affectionate Greetings

To those I care about most in this world, I often send a morning musing or an affectionate greeting. Sometimes it’s a blanket statement to all those I cherish, but sometimes they are individual and specific to that particular friend. Some days I don’t send any at all. I never just send them to send them, only when I’m inspired or moved with the full intent and feeling behind them. So, if you get such a greeting from me, it means I value you, been thinking about you, or feel I needed to reach out to you.

My musings are often deep and profound. While the sentiment may be shared by those who may have come before, and more likely to be shared by those who follow, they are always my original thoughts, feelings, or contemplations. I’m a deep thinker. I’m also very passionate and feel very deeply as well – about EVERYTHING. It drives some of my more reserved and practical friends quite crazy. But I am who I am, and I won’t apologize for feeling or thinking the way I do. Love me as I am, or don’t love me at all. I won’t change for you.

I love that place between the dream world and being awake, where my filter of bias hasn’t had a chance to interfere. My inner editor hasn’t even had time to sharpen her red pencil, so I’ve discovered it’s the place where I learn most of the truths about myself, my beliefs, my hopes, my feelings, and even my fears. I don’t always like the things I uncover, but many times I surprise myself, am very pleased, and can’t help but smile at the beautiful woman I’ve discovered there.

Tomorrow morning, just before you open your eyes, listen to your heart. What is your musing telling you?

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

Not Giving Up ...Changing Gears

Not Giving Up …Changing Gears

Just to be clear, I’m not giving up on dating right now, I’m just not giving it any of my focus. I do plan to return to the wacky world of 21st Century dating after I take a little time to figure out what the hell I want to do first with the rest of my life. I’m at a crossroads …again. I really wish I could find me a nice, long, winding, coastal road, one that I can just sit back and enjoy the scenery and get past all the interchanges.

I’m changing gears. I’m taking a new road. I’m looking for new adventures. One thing I’m not changing is my focus and my direction. I’m not looking backwards. I can’t go back to what had been, and I have to let go of what could’ve been. Both were beautiful dreams, but the journey has moved on and I have to make room for new horizons. I know where I’ve been, I know the road I’m on, I just have no idea where it leads. In some ways I like that – just hitting the open roads and letting it take me where it dares. But, in other ways, I need at least a near point of reference. All I know is forward.

I guess the first question is …what do I want? How the hell do I know? Seriously, do any of us know? I can’t answer that question, not honestly. I know more of what I don’t want than what I do. The only thing I know that I do want is something real. I’m so tired of all the bullshit. I’m tired of the games. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m tired of the delusions.

Over the last several years I have done some really hard soul-searching. I have uprooted everything in my life, put myself out there, and dared to love. I have met some assholes and I have met some angels. But mostly, I’ve met a bunch of liars. Why is the world so afraid to be honest, to be who they really are? I’ll tell you why… it’s because they have no fucking idea who they are or what they want. They can’t even see the obvious lies right in front of their faces. Can I do this, too? ALL THE TIME.

I’m not perfectly minded, but I’m honest. I’m not perfectly sculpted, but I’m real. I’m not perfectly educated, but I’m smart. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I learn from them. We all have fucked up, many times, but we have to learn to get back up and keep moving forward, keep learning, keeps trying, and really live in the moment.

I have faced death and I have won. It’s changed me, I mean, it’s really changed me. It’s not only changed a little part of me, but it’s like I’m being reborn again – made new. There are so many things I could go back to, but the life bubbling inside me refuses to allow me to look backwards. So, I can’t. Sure, there are things the world made say needs to be fixed, but I disagree. I will not step backwards… but forward.

What does this mean to all the plans I once had, the dreams I dared to dream, the work I was working on, and the relationships that have come and gone … that none of them are guaranteed to be a part of my life now. I’m alive. I’m awake. I’m moving on. Everything up to this point has helped get me here, and I’m grateful, but not everything or everyone will be moving onward with me. If it wasn’t good enough to sustain me then, I’m not wasting my time hoping it would sustain me now or in the future. If not loved then, they don’t deserve to love me now.

For those I leave behind, while I may miss you, I don’t need you. I’ve never needed any of you. I wanted your love. If you were in my life it was because I chose you, I loved you, or I wanted you. If you couldn’t simply choose to love me back, that’s your loss and your dumbass decision. I’ll never be where I’m not wanted. I won’t love, wait, and chase that which doesn’t want to be found or loved. I can’t save you and it’s not my job to fix you. Love yourself, guys. Me, my love, who I am, what I have, or what I can do for you will never be enough. I don’t want anything from anyone but honesty and something real. Take your lies, your games, and your fucked up ideas and go away. If you couldn’t fight for me in the storm, you don’t deserve to dance with me in the sunlight. I’ve had enough bullshit. I’m so thankful to be alive. I’ve got things to do, places to go, dreams to chase, but I don’t have time for nonsense.

So, having said that – I’m going to take a break from the dating scene for a little while, re-evaluate who I am, what I want, and get my life set on a particular road, and then perhaps take another look at the idea of dating. It’s quite exhausting shoveling through bullshit, talking to people who don’t listen, or caring for people who don’t care in return. I’m running. If you can’t chase me, you sure as hell will never catch me.

I’m happy. There’s been a smile on my face for days now and it’s for simply being appreciative to be alive, for being and loving myself just as I am. I’m alone and happy - go figure. Don’t call me with your problems. I actually don’t answer my phone much these days.

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

My Family, My Clan

Family is a mixed up concept for me. I often struggle with the thoughts of whether my emotions are connected through an intangible bond or from man-made expectations. I understand the biology, the nature, but I have also witnessed the nurturing bond that families produce as they take care of one another. I even understand the bond that survival produces – when people are thrown together in violent or volatile situations. Yet, all this understanding doesn’t answer the question of why it hurts so much to be rejected by those we expect to love us most. Is it some unseen bond that has us endure that which hurts us, or just stubbornness?

I’m a beautiful woman. I’m adored by many. I’m pursued by several and even have inspired arguments, fights, and jealous disagreements. Yet by those who are supposed to love me most, I’m rejected and unwanted. But, don’t judge my ‘family’, because the feeling is mutual – I reject and do not want them either. I’ve often felt guilty for feeling this way. Many of the people that have come through this life often try to make me feel guilty for feeling like that, but I’m honest about how I feel. I always have been, and that’s not something easy to face.

There is this group of people that have come into my life recently where I feel such a deep bond. I question if it’s because I’m in survival mode and I’m bonding with them for that reason, or is it because they nurture things in me that have been long neglected. They adore me. They make no secret I’m wanted, I’m needed, or even that I’m desired. This group I’m talking about is my Destiny clan, Omega Victrix Mortalis. They’re my family, and like all families, they are a motley crew of one mess after the next. It’s like we are the clan filled with misfits, rejects, and the misunderstood. What makes us different from the other clans we meet in the land of Xbox Live, is because we care about each other as people.

Recently my beloved clan has endured a division where a couple members (family) cared more for the game, more for the power and control, and more for the stroke of ego than for the people behind the controllers. My gameplay is important, something I often struggle with much stress and trepidation, but it’s the lives behind the controllers I care about most. This split hurts because I have to watch more people I care about walk out of my life. I will stand by and watch them go, because I’ll never be where I’m not wanted. I’ll never want or force someone to be around that doesn’t want to be around. Just because I’ll stand to the side, doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain of that separation, or the rejection.

For those who have remained, they’ll never know how much they mean to me. As I mentioned before, we’re a group of misfits, but this bunch of misfits have some of the greatest hearts I’ve ever met.

Phoenix Mortalis – (the defender) is a young, twenty-year old, gorgeous, shy college student, studying to become a CSI agent. He’s loyal. He’s sensitive. He notices the little things. Though a girl getting upset makes him very uncomfortable, he’s always there, even if it’s being there in silent comfort for those in his circle. He’s a true knight in shining armor, willing to risk everything to protect, to defend, or to support. He’d make a great soldier because he already has the natural instincts of a defender. He has a tight inner circle and guards it well. But, if you’re lucky enough to get inside that circle, you’ve truly found a beautiful treasure of a friend. He’s a great player. I watched him do amazing things with a broken controller. The greatest was his determination. I watched him do amazing things with limited abilities, and since he’s regained a lot of those abilities, he’s gone on to do even more amazing things. He reminded me of how wounded soldiers who never let their disabilities define them, but strengthen them.

iTz CriMSonDxsk – (the nurturer) is a young, twenty-year old, gorgeous, shy college student, studying to become a Surgical Technician and currently works as a transporter at a hospital. He’s also loyal and sensitive. He’s an Empath – he feels what others feel around him. He’s one of the best gamers I’ve met so far, a beast in the battlefield, and there isn’t a feat yet I haven’t seen him unable to accomplish. He’s a natural. He’s humble. Yet he desires no power or praise for his acts. He doesn’t seek the limelight but prefers to sit in the shadows, yet is unable to hide in obscurity because he’s in great demand. Players constantly seek him out to join them because he’s the best. He’s greatly misunderstood, often thought of as naïve, but he’s much more complex. I see a great man in the making. There’s no ego, just a quiet confidence.

RevertantPath – (the counselor) is a young, seventeen-year old (going on 40), not sure if he’s gorgeous or not because no one has seen his picture but he has a heart of pure gold (with a dash of trickster), shy, high school student who doesn’t yet know what he wants to do with his life. He’s also loyal. He’s a fountain of information and wisdom. There’s no task he’s afraid to tackle. He’s independent, yet he understands the bonds of our family. He never hesitates to jump in and help someone out, yet never asks for help (because he doesn’t need it). He’s mostly quiet, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t listening. He’s always listening. When he decides to speak (it usually starts with … “So, I’ve been thinking… “) you should pay attention because what follows is always something deep, something profound, something often unexpected from such a young man. He’s left me speechless many times. He’s not afraid to confront, yet chooses his moments with precision. He’s one of the wisest people I know (and I know a lot of them).

iTz CrimSon Jr – (the mascot) is a young, thirteen-year old, who I’m sure is adorably cute, funny, and a big ball of energy. He brings life to the party chat and game no matter what’s going on. He’s a reflection, a symbol, a mirror of who we are as a clan. He loves without question. He trusts without wariness. He’s a treasure to be protected, not manipulated and used. He reminds me what it’s like to be a mother. I miss being a mother, being needed.

The rest of our clan is filled with other wonderful members too. They have their own set of skills and diverse personalities.

CJBIGMAC never fails to make me laugh. I could listen to his silly stories all day, his natural and free responses to every situation, and his KV worship is like no other.
gr3y ninja is often really quiet, but when he gets relaxed and lets out his personality, it never fails to make me laugh. Just don’t depend on him if his girlfriend calls. She comes first.

XxTrsXshoTxX is a little passionate in both positive and negative ways. He’s a beast in the Crucible and a great asset in the raids, and a faithful helper when you just need someone to hang out with to help with missions and bounties. I like to listen to his silly stories.

Oz Bacon is another little trixster like RevertantPath, but he’s also fearless, ready to jump in no matter how big the task.
Set off the DJ is still getting his feet wet, but so far he’s doing a good job. If only I can get him to understand the usage of ‘wilco’.

Deathstroke1997, Phoenix Mortalis’ brother, while busy with school, he’s a great player and never hesitates to jump in and help where it’s needed.

Mike Honcho470 is guy I went on a date with and the whole time talked so passionately about Destiny that I inspired him to go out and buy an XboxOne and Destiny. While this is his first FPS game, he’s got a zeal that’s to be envious. He never fails to make me smile.

Last, but not least, is Godly Furrrball. I love Destiny and the concept of clans because of this gorgeous man. The way he talked with admiration and pride about the boys in his crew stirred a deep need in my heart and made me realize I had an empty space in my own that needed to be filled. My clan has done that for me. I also admired the pit bull in him that would come out to defend his family, even if was against me. He’s taught me a lot. He’s pushed me beyond my limits. He’s broken my heart. Hey, he’s family, what can I say.

There are other players in the Destiny universe that I play with often whom I also view as family even if they’re not in my clan … (ZeroFX AirB SGT, SxProphet, WARSHAC, OZ Vinyl, UCindian11, ShumateClan(Little Light), logjmr, Blaxican, SkyBlaster, and all those guys in I Am Leg3nd, and my son, JewsDestroy99.

So, what is family? Who is family? How is family defined? I suppose it’s defined by whatever I choose. I choose my Destiny family. I love them dearly.


Till next time,


~KV Kvothe

I Miss You, My Love

I miss you, my love

and the way you used to text

and the stupid little videos

and the never-ending playlists

the games

the rules

the stories 

the lies

You were beautiful, my love

when you were mine

Daily Lessons

Everything in life poses a lesson, even the good things right along with the bad. Having an open mind makes all the difference on what lessons we learn from those experiences.

I can go through my life and tell you good things I’ve learned, and also how I was really stupid at other things. I wish I always chose the right choices, learned the right things, and made the right decisions, but most often it was the mistakes that taught me the greatest lessons. I don’t regret my mistakes… only perhaps the lessons I might have missed along the way.

What are my lessons now? What are my struggles today and what can I learn from them? Again, life poses many struggles for me, but right now the consuming ones would be how to get through the day after losing the friendship of someone I loved very much, how to love the new friends in my life, and how to live in the moment – and to let that be enough.

I can’t change my past. I can’t make someone love me that doesn’t, or hate someone I love. I can’t control what tomorrow holds. All I can do is live the best I know how in this moment, in this day, in this time. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I’ve died twice, and I can’t help but think I’ve lived for a purpose. Have I already fulfilled that purpose? I don’t know and I honestly don’t care. The purpose will fulfill itself.

In living today… for today… I’ve become very picky about the people I let into my life. Dating is complicated. I hope with every date, but have learned to let that hope leave as quickly with those dates when my princes turn out to be frogs. I’ll find my prince someday, but until then I’m determined to remain content in being alone. Yeah, it’s lonely, especially when I’m cold, or scared, or excited and want to share that excitement, but I’m not without love or friends… or lessons to be learned.

I find out later this month if I’m going to be able to move forward, or if I need to jump into the trenches to take a step back. Until then, I can’t thank God enough for the love, support, and distraction that my Destiny clan, no my Destiny family, has provided for me. I have made some connections that I know will be lifelong family, and I have made some friends that I hope will always be there. Who knows… Destiny may even lead me to the love that has evaded me for so long. In that world… I am KV Kvothe, beautiful, sexy, and a greatly loved goddess. My clan and my friends never fail to make me feel wanted and appreciated. I’m not the best gamer, but I hope I’m the best goddess they know.

What are my lessons during this time? Persistence. Stubborness. Strategy. Loyalty. Clans. Leaders. Romantic gestures. Friends. Determination. Letting go. Breathing. Losing a muse, a god, a hope, a fantasy, a love. … that life is meant to be lived in the moment, to still love the world even when it doesn’t love you back.

Till next time,



~KV Kvothe

To Pursue, or Not to Pursue

I had a guy message me yesterday after not hearing from him for a few weeks.  When I didn’t respond to his message, he posted another text asking why I’m not talking to him anymore. I considered not even answering that post, but reconsidered. Maybe he didn’t really understand the reason for my silence, so I broke it and responded with something like the following:

“I haven’t been responding to your messages because I now realize that you’re not really that into me. I want to feel wanted and I didn’t. I felt you wanted me sexually, but not emotionally. You never called. You barely texted, and I just felt like I was an afterthought. This is the beginning of a relationship and I should be a consuming thought. I don’t want to be someone settled for, but someone desired, pursued… wanted. I want to be worth the effort, the chase, the prize. How can you catch me if you’re not even running after me? I really liked you and was very attracted to you, but I kept waiting for you - until I realized I’m not supposed to be waiting.”

I hope the next woman he meets inspires him to be more pursuant. I also hope the next man I meet will find me worthy and desirable enough for the chase. He is going to have to chase me because I only know how to run.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Specialties and Special People

Everyone has something they’re gifted at, but not all our gifts are blatantly obvious. Some of us rise to great heights and receive lots of acclaim and attention for our gifts, while others’ majesty is never seen by anyone, hidden among the thorns and roses.

Most of you know that I’ve become immersed into the world of Destiny (XBoxOne) and I’m learning some amazing things. Mostly, I’m meeting some really special people with lots of different specialties. I spend a lot of time there in awe at the playing skills of many of the guardians like this one soldier named SxProphet that blew my mind showing off as he completed a solo run of the Crota raid. Since meeting him, he’s done many things that have impressed me beyond measure. I have a great admiration for him, especially the way he leads his clan, I Am Leg3end. They work together in a way that I find simply amazing. Their communication is often silent, yet unquestioning. My heart swells every time I am given the honor of playing with them. I doubt they’ll ever know how much I admire them.

Speaking of clans, Omega Victrix Mortalis is growing by leaps and bounds with lots of new, exciting, and good-hearted Guardians. I admire every one of our members and I’m amazed at many of the things they can do. I am so proud of them and their accomplishments. When I play Crucible with them, I may hold the spot at the bottom of the leader boards, but my clan never fails to take the top three slots. NEVER. I’d bet real money on my boys. They’re really the best and not just because I know them and they’re in my clan, but they really are the best. I’d always bet on XxTrsXShotxX, iTz CriMSondxsk, Revertant Path, PhillyzPhin3st, Phoenix Mortalis, and Manny5173 in any match. EVERY TIME. However, stomping on their heels are gr3y ninja, CJBIGMACK, WARSHAC, UCindian, and KillaCam31787. I’ve only got glimpses of the game play of iTz CriMSon Jr, Deathstroke1997 and ShadowStormlV, but I have high hopes they’re going to give our top players some competition. Of course, KV Kvothe still holds the bottom slot on that leaderboard, but it’s alright… I call it practice, and Lord knows I need lots and lots and lots and lots of practice. Needless to say, Crucible isn’t one of my specialties.

One of the things I do specialize in is DETERMINATION. I may lose a lot, but I never give up. I especially never give up on my friends. Today I’m going to start putting together a raid team. This team isn’t going to be made up of only excellent and amazing raiders like SxProphet and his clan, or some of the other members of my clan like PhillyzPhin3st, but of ‘newbs’ like me who want to learn and isn’t afraid to fail a thousand times to get it right. I’m tired of going into raids and being referred to as the weakest link, not having the right weapons or armor, or as someone that needs to be protected, sheltered, left behind, or carried by other members of the Fireteam. It’s not fair to me or the other raiders. Everybody had to start somewhere. I’ve been in the raids now a few times, and every time it’s been with a different group that completed them in a different way. I’ve learned something valuable with every raid, especially the fact that there are a thousand ways it can be done, a thousand ways that it can’t be done, and a thousand different groups all trying to get it done. There are a lot of us that just need experience. To gain that experience, we need patient people who are willing to try, and try, and try, and try, and try again without getting upset, frustrated, or angry.

Understanding Patience - THAT’s my specialty. I’m a cheerleader, an encourager, and an exalter. I see the weaknesses and failures in others, but I focus on their strengths and their potential. My heart is to see them rise above their current situation or station and reach for the stars, because we all deserve stars. I’m not waiting on a break to come my way, I’m making one. My hope isn’t that this team only learns the skills to be great raiders, but perhaps learn a little bit of that understanding patience so they can be an inspiration for the next group of ‘newbs’ that comes along.

I’m really hoping that some of the expert Raider friends of mine will give my team a little bit of their time to help us, give us some advice, tips, stratagem, or pointers. But if they don’t (and I understand many of them have time restrictions and goals of their own to complete) we still won’t give up. We will just keep doing it again and again and again and again until WE are the expert Raiders.

As long as I’m needed in my team, I will be there. There is only one thing that could ever make me leave. We all have triggers in our lives that sends us running. For me – that trigger is being where I’m not wanted. I NEVER want to feel I’m a burden or a hindrance to anyone - ever. So, a little clue – if you ever want to get KV Kvothe to run for the hills, just make her feel unwanted or unwelcome. I love my clan, Omega Victrix Mortalis, because they make me feel loved, wanted, and a part of the family. They love me because I show them, I tell them, and I make them feel loved, wanted, and appreciated. This is my gift. This is my blessing. This is the part I play. Others lead in other ways – through skill, through knowledge, through their gaming abilities - I lead through compassion. I’m definitely not loved for my gaming skills, but I’m greatly loved by many for my heart.

Till next time,

~KV Kvothe

Inequality in Relationships

Most of us, not all of us, because some of us have to learn things the hard way and do everything backwards and find out through the mistakes we make, have the wrong impression of what equality means in a relationship.

What I mean by equality - is hanging onto the idea or belief that you will receive an equal portion of whatever (love, devotion, honesty, trust) you put into it. That’s never been the case in my experience, yet is it the main foundation to a lot of my disappointment, because it’s what I expected, it’s what I was taught, it’s what I believed.

Case in point: We are told that we will reap what we sow, to do unto others as you would have them do to you, that whatsoever a man sews that also will he reap, that if we want love, we must first give love, so on and etc. Those concepts are right, but my understanding of them were wrong, and that has broken my heart so many times.

Hopefully I can explain it in terms you’ll understand. I’m an honest person to a fault. I believe honesty is the true key and foundation to any relationship (lover, friend, etc), that a relationship built and held by lies and deception will fall apart. In my life, I’ve never been able to heal deep hurts through lies and deceptions, especially in the things that I’ve deceivably thought . Only when I face the truth of something, even the truth that rips my heart into shreds and leaves me unable to breathe, I can only heal from that wound in and with truth. I lie to myself all the time because the lies are prettier, happier, sexier, and easier to believe. But my belief in them, never changes the truth of the situation, only my reaction and perception. Often I believe the lies to keep from getting hurt – which NEVER works and I get hurt anyway, not only from the starkness of the truth, but from the death of the beautiful lie I created. I sometimes miss my lies – because I have a great imagination and made many of them so beautiful.

So, with that said, I don’t lie to whom I’m in a relationship, not intentionally anyway. I’m open and refuse to have a filter on expressing what I feel, what I think, what I want, what I don’t want – even if I’m wrong or make a mistake. I don’t play head games, yet I’m constantly lied to and played for a fool. So, see… there’s great inequality in relationships. I sew honesty, faithfulness, trust, and the deepest of passion and love – but I’m not guaranteed those things in return. As a matter of fact – I’ve become an expert at loving deeply but never being loved deeply in return, of being lied to, of being cheated on, and being untrusted. I’m never ‘the one’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m loved, but there’s something about me that keeps others from falling in love with me. Even my husband of 20 years loved me dearly, respected me enormously, but was never in love with me. I don’t know what it is, I can’t see it, but something is definitely there. It’s my curse.

The funny (sarcasm inserted) part is that when I first start talking to men, almost all of them quickly fall in love with idea of me, my mind, my personality, my ideas, my humor, even my face. I’ve been told on many, many occasions that I’m quite possibly the perfect woman. But, after they meet me I somehow don’t live up to their fantasy and crash hard from their pedestals. I’m not sure where it goes wrong because I’m exactly the same in person as I am over the phone, Skype, text, or email. Most of them are still in my life today and consider me their best friend, their closest confidant, their buddy. Sometimes they even briefly forget they’re not in love with me, until we meet again face to face and they’re reminded I’m not the one. I’ve asked them why or what is it about that changes their minds, but have yet to be given an answer other than “I honestly don’t know.” I have watched them all go on to love other women, who seem to have kept their balance upon their pedestals and make my friends happy. Most of these men still keep in touch and tell me often to keep myself open because my match will one day come, but I don’t believe that anymore.

I get messages, what we used to call love letters, periodically from some of my male friends who tell me they love me deeply and would like to spend the rest of their lives fulfilling all my hopes, fantasies, and dreams. I know it’s not real. Sometimes these messages make me cry. It’s like dangling food in front of a starving child just waiting for them to reach out and grab it, to only slap their hand away and give it to someone else. It’s not equal. It never has been. It never will be. I’ve also been on the other end and did not possess the love others wanted from me, to find it just wasn’t there. I won’t pretend to love someone if I don’t.

Those statements I mentioned toward the beginning of this article are not lies. They’re absolutely true. My previous understanding of what they really meant is where the problem abounds. If I want love, I must first love, because in order to give love I have to first have love. To have love, in order to love someone else, I have to first possess love for and from me. When I love someone else, the love I receive in return isn’t contingent on how much I love them, but on how much love they have in them to share with me. To what measure I receive love from them depends on how much love they possess and how much they’re willing to give. It’s got nothing to do with me. The love I receive - from the love I give - is the love that comes from me. The love I receive from them is only the love they choose to give. The trust I receive - from the trust I give – is the trust I have in myself. The trust, or lack thereof, I receive from them comes from the trust they have in themselves. The respect, the honesty, the admiration, the passion I receive – from all those things I give – is the things that come from me. These things coming from them are contingent on how much they possess for/from themselves.

Bottom line: If these men don’t love me, want me, or desire me - it’s got nothing to do with the measure of love, want, and desire I have/had for them, but on how much they already have it in them and how much they want to share it with me. There is no equality in relationships that guarantees I’ll ever be loved, wanted, and desired. I deserve to meet an unselfish man who is willing to give all those things to me. I don’t believe he exists, but it’s what I want and believe I deserve. If they lie to me, cheat on me, reject me, disrespect me, or use me, that too has nothing to do with me – and everything to do with who they are and their personal integrity. Because I’m honest, doesn’t guarantee they are. Because I’m faithful, doesn’t guarantee they will be. Because I’m devoted, doesn’t guarantee they will love me. So, whatsoever a man sews (MY love), THAT (MY love) also shall he reap (I give/get my own love). If I want to be loved deeply, then I must possess deep love – but the love that I will receive will be the love to which I used to love deeply – it’s my own love returning back to me. While I want love from someone else, it’s not within my power to obtain it. I can’t make someone else love me, nor will I ever try. It has to be freely given by their own choosing.

I choose me. Now I just have to figure out how to breathe from being unchosen.

Till next time,

~Breathless in LaLa Land