Life after Heartbreak

In the moment I can’t breathe and my sun has disappeared behind endless clouds and acid rain, tumultuous thunder, and incessant wind.  I hold tightly to myself, clasping my heart with all my strength to hold together all the shattered pieces.  I’m lost.  The storm has destroyed everything around me and I recognize nothing anymore. All I have left are pictures and memories, and even some of them are destroyed. There are no arms to hold me. There are no heroes to help me.  There are no words to comfort me. Only pain.

But the storm doesn’t last forever. 

The wind calms, the lighting ceases, and thunder’s rumble wanes in the distance. I lift my face toward the gray skies.  The gentle rain washes away my tears and I open my mouth letting the refreshing drops land on my parched tongue.  I loosen my fists and unwrap my arms, stand to my feet, and lift my hands. I close my eyes and scream into the heavens until my throat is hoarse and I can scream no more.   

Then I breathe.

I breathe again.

I listen to my heartbeat.

I breathe again.

I listen to the last of the rain drops fall onto the earth.

I breathe again.

I listen to the warm wind and feel it rush over me, drying tears from my face.

I breathe again.

I feel the warmth and see the red behind my closed eyelids as the sun parts the clouds and washes over me.

I breathe again.

I hear birdsong.

I breathe again. 

I hear waves crashing against the shore.

I breathe again.

I open my eyes and see a sailboat in the distance.

I breathe again, this time faster. 

I step into the water, it’s calling me deeper. 

I breathe again.

I dive beneath the break and its commanding waves to surface on the other side. The sailboat is closer.

I breathe again as I swim.

I approach the boat, but see no way to climb aboard, until a hand reaches down towards me.  I look back towards the shore and see the remnants of the storm behind it and a hard lump forms in my throat. But, I turn away and grab the hand and exhale as I’m pulled aboard.

I smile.

I don’t know where I’m going, or what journey I am on, I just know I can never go back to where I was before.

There is life after heartbreak, and living to be done, and I breathe.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Sun-Kissed

I hear the sound of the pouring rain outside my office and I can’t stop the smile forming across my face. The tempest outside is loud. It’s hard. It wonderfully glorious. Not because I particularly like the rain, which I do, but because I feel as though my naked soul stands beneath a majestic downpour filled with new grace, new life, and new beginnings. I’ve carried around the ashes of grief long enough. I feel light. I feel …ready.

For the first time in my life my present, my life, and my future belong to me, and only me. I’m alive. I’m free. I won’t be chasing dead dreams, but dreaming new ones.

Love me, hate me, envy me, or despise me – I honestly don’t care. Just watch me - amazing things are happening!!!!!!!

It was once prophesied over me that I had been called before I was born, marked and targeted; that my life would be shattered into a million pieces; that there were several tentacle arms reaching out to grab and bind me and keep me from my mission; and that like a ship I would be dashed upon the rocks and left for dead. Yet a tempest would come and wash away the debris and I would rise from the wreckage with 9 stars above my head, sun-kissed, strong, wielding a sword, with coal-touched lips filled with words of fire that would weave its way through the universe and touch the hearts and minds of kings and priests.

When I heard that prophecy the creative writer in me thought it’d make for a good story, but was certain the minister who gave it must clearly be mistaken, confused, and perhaps a little crazy. But those words have never left me. I’d laugh them off at times, chuckle at their absurdity, roll my eyes at their sensationalism, and shake my head. I have no idea what it even means, but perhaps there’s something subconsciously inside me that likes the rain because I’m clinging to a hope for this prophesied relief.

It doesn’t matter. Whether the prophecy is real or a joke, I feel my soul dancing in the rain. I have been shattered, abandoned and broken as I tangled with death – death of a dream, death of a promise, death of a marriage, and death of a friendship – yet I’m still alive. Even cancer couldn’t defeat me.

What do I do now?

I LIVE!

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

Behind This Window

I stand behind this window and peer into a cold, wet world, but not with sadness.  The silver raindrops of my soul have stopped falling and the sunlight threatens to break through the clouds. 

I stand behind this window and peer into a cold, wet world, but with gladness.  The colorful rainbows of my hope have risen and the dark clouds that threaten have dissipated.

Don’t give up on me.  I haven’t given up on myself and I need you to help keep me strong. It’s so easy to stand behind this window and peer into a cold, wet world, but so hard not to open the window and let it inside.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Being Hindered

Kalaloch Beach - Olympic National Park

Have you ever loved something so much, yet you can't have it, access it, or even be near it?  Just thinking about it makes me sad, so I try not to think about it, but then trying not to think about it, has me thinking about it all the time.  Being denied something you want more than anything in the world, leaves you with this feeling of anticipation and anxiety... and not the good kind.  The kind that keeps you up at night and disturbs your sleep, because you're afraid you'll dream about it, and wake up crying.  This happens quite often.  But, I'm tired of crying.  I'm tired of missing it.  I'm tired of being denied it, but my hands are tied and there's nothing I can do about it. 

So may days, so many moments, so many minutes I want to curl into a ball and shut the whole world out.  Everyone else continues to move through the universe as if it's correct, on it's right course, and spinning as it's supposed to, but that's not the way it is for me.  My world stopped turning, my equilibrium is off, and all the spinning gets me dizzy.  I want it to stop turning, to start moving, to move forward, but my heart is lost somewhere in the past, in another place.  My body is here, but my heart and soul is somewhere else, and that leaves me empty, void, tormented. 

Have you ever had an out of body experience?  That's what this is like.  The empty shell is here in Georgia, but the real me, the part of me that is passion and love... it's left standing on a beach in the Pacific Northwest.  It calls to me in my dreams, it pulls at me throughout the day, it yearns for me to return. 

I will go home someday and reunite with my heart, and become whole.  I shall walk the beaches of my dreams.  I shall feel the cool breeze of the Pacific upon my face.  I shall hear the sound of the wind rustle the leaves of the evergreens.  I shall dance in the cool rain drops of the Pacific sky.  Someday... Someday... I shall go home again.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

http://www.tlgray.blogspot.com

http://www.authortlgray.wordpress.com

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