Triumphant Change

Woo-hoo!!! 90 lbs, BABY!!!!! I've hit the 90 lb loss mark since January 2013!!!!!!

No pills, no pre-packaged meals, no counting, no shakes or gym membership, no personal trainer or chef.

But before you think it was an easy, quick fix, let me reassure you - it was ANYTHING but easy.

The FIRST step: Changed my mindset. I quit telling myself I NEEDED all those things listed above in order to get healthy, because those are just excuses. Yes, I had physical problems, mostly due to my poor health and obesity. But to change it for good - to change the outside - I had to change my mindset that it wasn't just something I needed to do, but what I had to do, what I deserved. I deserved to be happy. I deserved to be healthy. I deserved to be sexy and beautiful.

The NEXT step: Changed my lifestyle. I quit sitting around all day. I started walking, scheduling outdoor activities, parking at the end of the parking lot - not the closest spot, started walking up stairs instead of elevators, started hiking, participating in 5k runs, and started exercising. YES it hurt... ALL of it hurt, but I didn't try to master it all at once, I just simply made it a necessary part of my lifestyle. I also didn't depend or count on anyone else to do it with me... because this journey wasn't their journey - this was mine.

The LAST step: Changed my eating habits. I learned to moderate the portions and types of foods I consumed. I didn’t follow a strict diet plan, just a principal... eat in moderation and as natural as possible. I can have ANYTHING (other than to what I am allergic) I want - as long I balance it out, eat an appropriate portion, and don’t feed my emotions. I learned to enjoy my food. I learned to cook gourmet food, to love plating, and to appreciate natural fruits, vegetables, and lean meats. I smile now when I go to eat, instead of looking at food as my enemy. It wasn't the food, but how I consumed it.

I'm sure I'll lose more weight, but my journey isn't just about the weight... it's about the freedom that comes from living a healthier lifestyle. I wish I could snap my fingers and be able to share this same type of success with everyone who struggles with their weight, but I can't. This is something that you have to want and do for yourself. The goal isn’t to lose weight, but gain a life of healthy happiness because you love yourself and believe you deserve to be healthy and happy.

I also want to add... I didn't do this alone. I have a couple of friends who loved me, encouraged me, and were there with me every step of my journey. They didn't run beside me, but they were there through all the tears and triumphs. They loved me - and that love pushed me forward. They know who they are (because both of them HATE any kind of attention), so I don't have to mention them here - but I love them more than I can ever express.

Till next time,
~The 90lb lighter T.L. Gray

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New Things, New Friends, New Lease on Life

I can't stress enough how important it is to do and introduce new things into our lives. We humans are creatures of habit and it really takes a conscious effort to make changes and adjustments. It's in our nature to fight against them. We balk, rebuke, and put up thick walls to keep some semblance of an order to things. We select our favorites - foods, pastimes, hobbies, restaurants, music, books, activities, friends, vacation spots, and so on and so forth, and in doing so create daily habits. Depending on those habits, we then wonder why our lives have become stagnant and boring, why our bodies are unhealthy or unfit, or why our dreams continually remain in the dream phase and never turn into actualities. If you can't see these patterns in your life, record them in a daily log - write down all of your interactions (activities, food, thoughts, and recreation) throughout the day for a full month. Then review. You will be surprised at what you actually do, compared to what you think you do.

Most of us don't make decisions toward changes on our own, but are forced through circumstances beyond our control. This is reactionary and perhaps the largest cause of stress and anxiety in our lives. NO ONE likes to be forced to do anything. God doesn't even force His will upon us, but gives us free choice. However, every choice we make has a consequence attached to it. Those we don't like either.

I yo-yo dieted, joined gym after gym, spent tons of money on diet pills and quick weight loss solutions, writing programs, self-help books, motivational materials, and thousands of other 'temporary' fixes hoping to make some change in my life - without actually changing my life. I couldn't see where I was failing. I blamed the diet, the program, the doctors, the hormones, the job, the family, and my own lack of self-esteem or control. Without realizing it, I came to think of myself as weak and a failure and had no desire or will to fight anymore because no matter what I did, I couldn't win. It wasn't until I took inventory and actually logged my diet, my actions, and my choices on a daily basis - and was able to see the 'truth' of the matter, before I could take action. I had deceived myself, thinking I was giving it a good go, but when I looked at the facts in black ink I realized I was a liar, and had lied to myself almost on a daily basis. Once I saw the truth - I couldn't believe the lie anymore and knew I had to make a change.

Over the last couple of years, I've made a LOT of decisions, not just about health and fitness, but about every area in my life. I realized I neglected myself as a woman and as a person. I quit waiting for the magical solution - for SOMETHING to happen that would change my life - and realized that "I" was the change that needed to happen. I needed to love myself enough to believe I deserved better, I deserved to be healthy, I deserved to be active, I deserved to be beautiful, I deserved to loved, I deserved to wanted, I deserved to be desired, I deserved to be successful, I deserved to be respected, I deserved to published, I deserved to be friendly, I deserved to travel, I deserved to explore, I deserved to dream, and most of all... I deserved to be happy.

Once I believed it, I started making changes. I started cutting out old things, people, and habits that held me back or pressed me down and introduced "new" into my life almost on a daily basis. I QUIT all the habits I had before and started creating new ones. I regularly keep a journal of those activities, because as soon as they become habits I will introduce new things to mix them up. I don't diet - I changed the way I eat, why I eat, what I eat, and the how I eat. I didn't join a gym, I changed the way I viewed exercise, why I exercise, and how I exercise. I changed a lot of my friends - left those who judged, were negative, who only showed support with their lips but not their actions and surrounded myself with people who encourage me, tell me what I need to hear, and believe in me and my success.

This isn't a 10-step temporary program - this is a life change. It has to start on the inside. I quit trying to make my outside control how I felt on the inside and focused on healing the inside (how I felt about myself) and the outside has slowly changed to match the gigantic changes within. I've lost nearly 100 lbs and a 100 friends, I can now jog a mile without wanting to die, I look great, I feel great, I'm writing more, I'm happier, and I've been on more adventures in the past year than the last 20 combined. I'm a completely new and different person. I still have things to work out. My life isn't perfect. I still have struggles and fears and failures. I still have worries and concerns. I still have needs and wants. But on most days, I don't allow those things to beat me down. I embrace the changes, I look forward to the new ...new things, new friends, and a new lease on life.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Being Okay on a Monday

I’ve got a lot of thoughts running around in my mind this morning.  I actually slept well last night, only waking once, but able to almost immediately fall back to sleep.  My slumber lately has been sporadic, in two and three-hour increments, the result leaving me in a sort of drudge.  So, this morning, having received at least two three-hour deep sleep sessions, I’m refreshed, renewed and regenerated.  Someone wished that for me yesterday.  I can’t remember right off the top of my head who that was, but I so appreciate their wishes. 

Knots of tension have built in my shoulders, but I’m hoping I can work them out this week, and keep them off.  I’ve got a two-day festival coming up this weekend and I’d really like to be on my game.  I want to meet readers with a positive energy, not a tired, worried, and stressed out countenance.  They deserve better than that from me. 

I’m also happy this morning, because I’ve reached a major goal.  Last year was a stressful and successful year for me. It was filled with many, many major accomplishments and failures.  I had two novels published and I went on a whirl-wind yearlong book tour and it was amazing.  My book sales had never been better, and it looked like my career was finally taking off.  But amid all that joy I saw the dissolution of a 20-year marriage, felt the separation of my children becoming adults, faced the start of menopause, experienced the loss of some close friends, and struggled with a serious crisis of faith.  Over the past two years I’ve gained a lot of weight nearly 100lbs.  It built so gradually, yet consistently.  I just got into a funk of saying, “I’ll work on it later.”  Then when I would get those bursts of desire to do something about my health, some crisis would happen and delay or roadblock my efforts.   Though I wasn’t gorging or purging, I was nursing my broken heart by not fighting, feeling defeated, like a failure, really almost to the point of giving up on everything, even living.  There were many days I just literally wanted to die because facing the day was too hard.  Well, this manifested in my body.  But, my spirit inside wouldn’t let me give up.  Though my world crumbled around me, and everything I knew and was familiar disappeared, along with my sense of security and stability, I was stripped down to nothing but love.  I realized I loved me and I deserved to live, deserved to love, deserved to be happy, deserved to be free, deserved to fly.  So, in the midst of my failure, in the middle of my crisis of faith, I vowed to fight, to live, to love, to pick myself up and take ONE step… just one step every day toward the me I deserved to be.

I’ve taken a LOT of steps since that New Year’s resolution, that promise to myself.  I can’t say that everything has worked out perfectly, or that I’ve conquered every mission in front of me, or that I’ve succeeded in everything.  In honesty, I’ve probably failed more than I’ve succeeded, but I still get up every morning and take ONE more step.  My life is changing.  I’m reaching small goals and getting closer to bigger ones.  I can feel myself on the edge of this darkness and know I’m getting closer to the light, closer to a breakthrough.  I’m still scared.  My heart is still very much wounded, but it continues to heal, to beat, and I continue to breathe.  I continue to move forward. 

Today, I celebrate a 70 pound weight loss. I didn’t achieve this through dieting; I achieved this through a lot of hard work, sweat, lots of tears, and a change in my lifestyle.  I started to do simple things, small things that made me happy like hiking, walking, running, 5k’s, kayaking, yoga and meditation.  I started blogging, letting my feelings out instead of remaining silent, letting them build until I exploded. I walked away from people that pushed me down, held me back or discouraged me from following my dreams.  I started gathering people who encouraged me, told me what I needed to hear, not empty platitudes or endless hammering about responsibilities and practicalities.  I have developed friendships with people who believe in me, who encourage me to reach for those impossible dreams, who continue to love me in the middle of my chaos.  I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t always feel like I’m a disappointment and a failure for being different.  They don’t expect anything from me, but for me to be me, and that freedom has allowed me to blossom.  I still have problems and a lot of obstacles to overcome, but I know they love me whether I succeed or fail, because they love me – not what I can do for them, or what I can achieve.  I have a guardian angel that’s opened her heart and showed her love by her actions and not her words.  I don’t think she’s ever told me she loves me, but she’s met some of my greatest needs and I’ll never be able to repay her kindness, but I’ll never forget it.

So, this morning is a celebration of appreciation.  My life is turning around.  For the first time in a very, very long time I think I’m going to be okay. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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