To Love Somebody

Change is a part of life they say. Who is they? (TPTB)The Powers That Be, the people in this universe who pay attention, observe, and speak about this life we live. Do they have all the answers? No. No one does. But we don’t always have to have all the right answers to understand parts of our existence. I know change. I’ve experienced it in many forms, and without doubt, without scientific evidence (though that really does exist), I agree with TPTB – change is a part of life.

I have a love/hate relationship with change. There are parts of it that thrill me while other parts scare the hell out of me, literally ripping my heart to shreds as I desperately cling to the things I don’t want to change. Yet, I also work like hell and push myself beyond limits at other times. I’m learning change defines us as human beings in how we adapt.

Life evolves. Love evolves. Relationships evolve. Understanding evolves. It all moves from one state of being and understanding into another, regardless of what we want or think. That makes problems for us, especially those of us that are creatures of habits. One thing I’ve learned – nothing stays the same no matter how much we want.

Who the hell am I to think I can stop change? I’m not God. Trying to stop things, or to make things happen, has only hurt me worse than has ever helped. I look around at my life and sometimes my hands start shaking because I’m so fucking lost. I see where I’ve been, but I can’t go back. I see where I want to be, but I can’t just go there. I want so many things, yet I am powerless to make any of it happen. The only choice I have is to breathe. But if you really think about that - I don’t have complete control over that either. I can choose to hold my breath, but there’s a safety mechanism in my body that when deprived of oxygen causes me to pass out. Once my conscious gets out of the way and goes to sleep, my body will resume it’s breathing due to natural self-preservation.

Life changes and so does everything in it. I’m not the same person I was a few years ago. I won’t be the same person a few years from now. The only thing I can define is who I am in this moment. When it comes to change, I will either learn to adapt and survive or suffer. I’m so fucking sick of suffering, so I must adapt. It’s only those who learn to adapt to the changes in life that succeed. I need to learn to adapt in everything… in how I live, how I believe, how I trust, how I approach, how I treat others, how I love. If you’ve followed this blog for any period of time, you’ll know that I only know how to live one way – honestly.

I can have all the best intentions, the best ideals, the best PLANS laid out for my life all the time, but change will fuck them up – every time, especially when it comes to love and relationships. Some days I hate myself for compromising, for being weak, mostly for being human and needing to bond with another human being. I want to be tough. I want to be independent. I want to be in control and strong and not allow another person to hurt me. So, I often isolate myself, put up my walls, and shut the world out – until I’m so lonely my body is starving for human contact. I want the fucking fairy tale, only I don’t believe in the fairy tale. But change will come, and there’s nothing I can do to stop from getting hurt. That’s the true lie I tell myself.

I listened to a song this morning, and it hit me hard (Yeah, once again a song tears me up.) It goes, “There’s a light, a certain kind of light, that has never shown on me. But I want my life to be only lived with you, yeah lived with you. There’s a way, everybody says, to do each and every little thing. But what good does it bring when I ain’t got you? When I ain’t got you? Baby, you don’t know what it’s like. Baby, you don’t know what it’s like - to love somebody, to love somebody the way I love you.”

Someday that certain kind of light will shine on me. I KNOW great love exists, because I possess it. I know others are capable to love completely- that somebody can love me – the way I love. It’s possible. Life is constantly changing – and one day it’ll change for me too, and this dark loneliness will go away. Even if not – I’d rather to have loved the way I have loved, than to have never loved at all. God help me.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Sweater Weather

I couldn’t believe it when I woke up this morning and threw the covers back, to find my warm hibernation had been invaded by a frosty chill. I nearly let out a yelp, jumped up, and quickly wrapped in my plush house coat, not the thin silky one. I needed warmth. After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I checked the thermostat in the hallway to make sure I didn’t knock the air-conditioning down to a low temp, mistaking having thought I cut it completely off the morning before. The temperature was set to 75, yet it felt so much colder. I hoped I wasn’t getting sick.

A huge smile crossed my face when I trundled back to my bedroom and picked up my cell phone and shining across my screen was a digital display reading 52 degrees. Below that sat a forecast for sunny skies and an expected high of just 75. Yeah, Baby, it was Sweater Weather!

Now I understood why I had slept so good and yet felt so cold… it was cold. It’s the type of weather you open the windows during the day, snuggle in the covers at night, and set the furnace to warm you in the mornings. So, that’s exactly what I did, I flipped the switch to heat and set the temperature to 68. A few minutes later after all the burners fired up in the furnace, I had to pull the batteries from my smoke detectors and open the back door as the first fire of the season cleared the dust from a long Spring and Summer. Don’t worry, I put the batteries back in as the dust disappeared.

The first waves of Autumn have arrived. This is my favorite time of year.

Other than a few cultural prejudices, the Georgia summer heat is one of the main reasons why I have this strong desire to move. Another reason is simply that I’m an explorer, a rambler, a curious cat that wants to see the world. However, a Georgia Autumn is one of the best and most prettiest I’ve seen in the many places I’ve already travelled. I absolutely LOVE this state when the nights and mornings drop to a frosty temp, the skies are clear, the days are mild, the leaves on the trees are changing, and the autumn flowers are blooming. It means it’s time to get back to the woods and explore more hidden trails, beautiful waterfalls, breathe in some fresh air, and climb some Georgia mountains. It’s the perfect balance.

The seasons are not the only thing changing. I’ve been feeling …different lately. I’m not sure how to describe it. It’s a mixture, much like the heat of summer fighting to linger as the cool air of Autumn fights to claim its dominance. My past and my future selves are fighting for dominance of my present. My passions are fighting within themselves, changing from a burning hot excitement to a more mellow, content state of being. Don’t get me wrong – I love to burn hot, but if I’m burning hot all the time, I’ll eventually burn out.

I’ve recently walked away from a relationship that was just… quite frankly, all wrong for me. Though this man made me laugh quite often, which was a wonderful thing, and he had a lot to offer, he also frustrated me in a sense that he lacked a fire burning in him to match the fire burning in me. I had all this passion bottled up inside me, but instead of providing a valve to help me release it, he became a stopper – dousing it with cold water. I found myself compromising often, pushing my desires and plans to the side, to accommodate a lifestyle I had already chosen to leave behind. I knew I could play this particular game, but I didn’t want to play it. I’ve been there, done that, and knew it would never make me truly happy because it’s not a lifestyle that accommodates who I truly am.

I also faced another relationship, another form of passion, another game, but found it too is not really the game I wanted to play. Unlike the above mentioned relationship, this one actually burned really hot, too hot. Instead of dousing me with cold water and smoldering my own flames, it threatened to overwhelm me completely, leaving me nothing but ashes. I’ve been there before too, and got burned. I still feel the licking flames and carry those scars. I don’t want to get burned again, so I found myself walking away from that relationship too.

The change that’s happening is that the relationship I’m choosing, the one that fulfills me most, that balances me, that pushes me into those new adventures, allowing me to experience many of the things I’ve always wanted to do and see, is the one that has the right mixture of hot and cold, excitement and calm, adventure and responsibility – it’s the relationship I’m developing with myself. Simply put – I want to date me. It’s sweater weather, and I want to cloak myself with the right kind of sweater, appropriate for the right temperature, to maximize the right level of comfort. Maybe someday I’ll meet a man that will bring the right balance for me, but until that time comes… I already have the right garment for these changing times.

Till next time,



~The Perfect Sweater

Triumphant Change

Woo-hoo!!! 90 lbs, BABY!!!!! I've hit the 90 lb loss mark since January 2013!!!!!!

No pills, no pre-packaged meals, no counting, no shakes or gym membership, no personal trainer or chef.

But before you think it was an easy, quick fix, let me reassure you - it was ANYTHING but easy.

The FIRST step: Changed my mindset. I quit telling myself I NEEDED all those things listed above in order to get healthy, because those are just excuses. Yes, I had physical problems, mostly due to my poor health and obesity. But to change it for good - to change the outside - I had to change my mindset that it wasn't just something I needed to do, but what I had to do, what I deserved. I deserved to be happy. I deserved to be healthy. I deserved to be sexy and beautiful.

The NEXT step: Changed my lifestyle. I quit sitting around all day. I started walking, scheduling outdoor activities, parking at the end of the parking lot - not the closest spot, started walking up stairs instead of elevators, started hiking, participating in 5k runs, and started exercising. YES it hurt... ALL of it hurt, but I didn't try to master it all at once, I just simply made it a necessary part of my lifestyle. I also didn't depend or count on anyone else to do it with me... because this journey wasn't their journey - this was mine.

The LAST step: Changed my eating habits. I learned to moderate the portions and types of foods I consumed. I didn’t follow a strict diet plan, just a principal... eat in moderation and as natural as possible. I can have ANYTHING (other than to what I am allergic) I want - as long I balance it out, eat an appropriate portion, and don’t feed my emotions. I learned to enjoy my food. I learned to cook gourmet food, to love plating, and to appreciate natural fruits, vegetables, and lean meats. I smile now when I go to eat, instead of looking at food as my enemy. It wasn't the food, but how I consumed it.

I'm sure I'll lose more weight, but my journey isn't just about the weight... it's about the freedom that comes from living a healthier lifestyle. I wish I could snap my fingers and be able to share this same type of success with everyone who struggles with their weight, but I can't. This is something that you have to want and do for yourself. The goal isn’t to lose weight, but gain a life of healthy happiness because you love yourself and believe you deserve to be healthy and happy.

I also want to add... I didn't do this alone. I have a couple of friends who loved me, encouraged me, and were there with me every step of my journey. They didn't run beside me, but they were there through all the tears and triumphs. They loved me - and that love pushed me forward. They know who they are (because both of them HATE any kind of attention), so I don't have to mention them here - but I love them more than I can ever express.

Till next time,
~The 90lb lighter T.L. Gray

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New Things, New Friends, New Lease on Life

I can't stress enough how important it is to do and introduce new things into our lives. We humans are creatures of habit and it really takes a conscious effort to make changes and adjustments. It's in our nature to fight against them. We balk, rebuke, and put up thick walls to keep some semblance of an order to things. We select our favorites - foods, pastimes, hobbies, restaurants, music, books, activities, friends, vacation spots, and so on and so forth, and in doing so create daily habits. Depending on those habits, we then wonder why our lives have become stagnant and boring, why our bodies are unhealthy or unfit, or why our dreams continually remain in the dream phase and never turn into actualities. If you can't see these patterns in your life, record them in a daily log - write down all of your interactions (activities, food, thoughts, and recreation) throughout the day for a full month. Then review. You will be surprised at what you actually do, compared to what you think you do.

Most of us don't make decisions toward changes on our own, but are forced through circumstances beyond our control. This is reactionary and perhaps the largest cause of stress and anxiety in our lives. NO ONE likes to be forced to do anything. God doesn't even force His will upon us, but gives us free choice. However, every choice we make has a consequence attached to it. Those we don't like either.

I yo-yo dieted, joined gym after gym, spent tons of money on diet pills and quick weight loss solutions, writing programs, self-help books, motivational materials, and thousands of other 'temporary' fixes hoping to make some change in my life - without actually changing my life. I couldn't see where I was failing. I blamed the diet, the program, the doctors, the hormones, the job, the family, and my own lack of self-esteem or control. Without realizing it, I came to think of myself as weak and a failure and had no desire or will to fight anymore because no matter what I did, I couldn't win. It wasn't until I took inventory and actually logged my diet, my actions, and my choices on a daily basis - and was able to see the 'truth' of the matter, before I could take action. I had deceived myself, thinking I was giving it a good go, but when I looked at the facts in black ink I realized I was a liar, and had lied to myself almost on a daily basis. Once I saw the truth - I couldn't believe the lie anymore and knew I had to make a change.

Over the last couple of years, I've made a LOT of decisions, not just about health and fitness, but about every area in my life. I realized I neglected myself as a woman and as a person. I quit waiting for the magical solution - for SOMETHING to happen that would change my life - and realized that "I" was the change that needed to happen. I needed to love myself enough to believe I deserved better, I deserved to be healthy, I deserved to be active, I deserved to be beautiful, I deserved to loved, I deserved to wanted, I deserved to be desired, I deserved to be successful, I deserved to be respected, I deserved to published, I deserved to be friendly, I deserved to travel, I deserved to explore, I deserved to dream, and most of all... I deserved to be happy.

Once I believed it, I started making changes. I started cutting out old things, people, and habits that held me back or pressed me down and introduced "new" into my life almost on a daily basis. I QUIT all the habits I had before and started creating new ones. I regularly keep a journal of those activities, because as soon as they become habits I will introduce new things to mix them up. I don't diet - I changed the way I eat, why I eat, what I eat, and the how I eat. I didn't join a gym, I changed the way I viewed exercise, why I exercise, and how I exercise. I changed a lot of my friends - left those who judged, were negative, who only showed support with their lips but not their actions and surrounded myself with people who encourage me, tell me what I need to hear, and believe in me and my success.

This isn't a 10-step temporary program - this is a life change. It has to start on the inside. I quit trying to make my outside control how I felt on the inside and focused on healing the inside (how I felt about myself) and the outside has slowly changed to match the gigantic changes within. I've lost nearly 100 lbs and a 100 friends, I can now jog a mile without wanting to die, I look great, I feel great, I'm writing more, I'm happier, and I've been on more adventures in the past year than the last 20 combined. I'm a completely new and different person. I still have things to work out. My life isn't perfect. I still have struggles and fears and failures. I still have worries and concerns. I still have needs and wants. But on most days, I don't allow those things to beat me down. I embrace the changes, I look forward to the new ...new things, new friends, and a new lease on life.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Detours, Assessments, and Adjustments of Goals and Dreams

I can't express how important it is to keep our goals and dreams in front of us.  Life has a way of coming in and disrupting our plans, getting our feet off our chosen paths, and throwing in twists, turns, roadblocks, detours, and obstacles.  That's normal.  Being human means being able to adapt and adjust to the situations and circumstances that come at us.  But if we are ever to fulfill our dreams and goals, we must continually be reminded of them, keep them posted in front of us, keep them shining like the North Star to be used as our guiding point and our compass. We need to constantly remind ourselves what we want to achieve, accomplish and experience in this life, assess our actions, adjust our options, and make necessary decisions.

Yes, we can and will experience all those unexpected and unplanned things, and many of them will be wonderful, will enrich our lives, and will change our directions.  Sometimes, its okay to shift and adapt - we become better for it.  The key is to be in control of those changes so that we don't lose the goals and dreams we set for ourselves.  This is the only way to not to be filled with a lot of regret because of forgotten, lost, and unfulfilled dreams.

Take a few moments today and remember your dreams, write down your goals, repeat them to yourself.  Take an assessment, look at your North Star,  and then determine if you need a readjustment to get you back on your chosen path or  if you need to select a new one. 

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray



Here is an updated status report and reminder to myself concerning my 2014 resolutions:

1. No more grieving. (I've had a moment or two, but for the most part, I've been smiling, hopeful and looking forward to the future. I'm happy.  I'm really happy.)
2. Fitness: Run a 5k (no walking), lose 50 more lbs, and get more fit.  (I've scheduled (5) five runs and will start back running/jogging on Monday - needed to heal from a sprain and sickness.  Joined three fitness challenges (Get Healthy West Georgia, Times-Georgian - Get Fit, and the 30-Day Arm Challenge), started a hula-hoop, sit-up, stair, and salsa-dancing routine.  So far I've officially lost 4.5 lbs  - 45.5 more to go.)
3. Go on a real romantic date. (Still working on this one.  Got close - actually planned one. Maybe soon I will make it a reality. It's still early, and I've got plenty of time.)
4. Take a vacation to one of my dream spots . (Making plans for a road trip in a smokin' hot Mustang convertible with a girlfriend in late June: Chicago to GreenBay and throughout parts of the Great Lakes.)
5. Finish one of my novels (completed and edited). (Started editing Hunter & Chase and wrote my first Character Blog post. Need to refocus and get busy.)
6. Sign and promote at least (5) five new authors with North Star. (Got several queries and submissions to weed through.)
7. Save at least ¼ of the money I need to move to the PNW. ($200 in the pot.)
8. Climb and descend the 605 steps at Amicalola Falls. (YES... DONE, DONE, DONE!!!!)
9. Hike at least 50 miles of the Appalachian Trial (not at the same time.) (7.5 miles completed, 42.5  miles left to go.)
10. Go White Water Rafting - (Tentative trip planned in late July. Maybe I can combine this with the date.)

2014 Resolutions

I've made my list.  Have you?

Well, folks.  Christmas is just around the corner and then following that will be New Year’s Eve and the making, followed probably by a lot of breaking, of new resolutions.  Have you given yours any thought?  I have, but not just in the last few days or the last few weeks.  I’ve been thinking about mine all year. 

Last year, I made some very drastic resolutions and I’m very proud to say I fulfilled them all.  I didn’t make too big a list, but I did list things that I didn’t know I could achieve, were bigger than I ever thought possible, yet I dared to dream and reach for them. 

This isn’t a fairy tale and everything didn’t turn out as well as I had hoped, while other things proved to be better than I ever expected.  I got a small glimpse of what I left behind today, and it’s not an easy thing.  It tore my heart to pieces and I had a brief moment of panic and self-doubt.  But, then I reminded myself why I made the changes I did.  To step backwards would be to erase all my hard work, my shed tears, my panic attacks, and choose to return to a life that didn’t make me happy, giving up the possibility I deserve and find that great love and happiness. 

Do I have a guarantee all my dreams will come true?  No!  That’s not why I make the resolutions.  I make them because I believe there’s a possibility they can come true, but with the full and complete understanding that it will probably be a tough fight, filled with lots of pain, lots of self-doubt, lots of fear, and lots of determination.  Nothing ever seems to come easy for me.  I know I’m going to want to quit, give up, and bury my head in the sand at least once a day, every day. But I’ll continue to push forward, one step at a time, one day at a time, so when I look back next year, it will be filled with even more accomplishments and fulfilled resolutions. 

Life isn’t only living in those special and definable moments, such as the ones we make and fulfill in our resolutions.  Life is LIVED in the process, in the journey, in the fight, in the day to day, moment to moment, second to second.  My biggest resolution is to LIVE fully in every way, in every day, and appreciate my life and those who love me.

I’ve hit some low moments this year, some even to the point I thought I wanted to die and had no strength to even make it to the next minute.  I’ve also experienced some great moments of beauty, love, and excitement – experiencing many beautiful things for the first time.  2013 was the most painful year of my life, but it was also the most alive I’ve ever been.

In 2014, these are my resolutions:

1.   No more grieving. 

2.   Run a 5k (no walking)

3.   Go on a real date

4.   Take a mini-vacation to one of my dream spots (on another list)

5.   Finish one of my novels (completed and edited)

6.   Sign and promote at least (5) five new authors with North Star

7.   Save at least ¼ of the money I need to move to the PNW

8.   Climb the steps at Amicolola Falls (I have to get there first)

9.   Hike at least 50 miles of the Appalachian Trial (not at the same time.)

           10.        Go White Water Rafting

What are your resolutions?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Single-Lane Roads

Photo by T.L. Gray - Olympic National Park 06/01/2013

I suppose there’s a deep part of me that has always desired to travel single-lane roads.  I’ve tried to go in the ‘right’ direction with the majority, but in doing so became engulfed in the masses and have lost sight of my destination.    Going with heavy traffic is easy and allows my mind to wander, because I don’t have to concentrate so much on where I am, nor keep my eyes peeled on the signs, or even pay too close attention to the limits, because I’m in flow, everything is moving steadily and in the same direction.  I merge into the flow, move inconspicuously, and then merge out when I reach my destination – often a place of routine, acceptance and expectation. 

I can’t help but feel I was created for more.  The first phase of my life I spent fighting against what was expected, traveling on the wrong side of traffic, on constant edge, dodging oncoming trouble.  The last phase, I spent trying to meet expectations, lost among the heavy flow, trying to blend, and merge into normality.  In each, I lost a bit of my true identity… one in survival, the other in suburbia. In this current phase I set my own expectations because I’m finally starting piece myself together and go in the direction I was meant. The only thing I know for sure is that I travel on the road I was destined.  I don’t know where it will lead, and I don’t know which side of the road is the right one.  I don’t know all the curves, bumps or hills this single lane contains, but I choose to enjoy the adventure.  I choose to notice the beauty around me.  I pay attention to where I am on this single-lane road.  Sometimes I pass another on my way, or dodge those going in the opposite direction, and sometimes it’s lonely, but I continue.    

For now I ride alone, but I hope someday, someone on the same path, with the same heart, filled with the same vision will accompany me.  Until then, I wipe away the tears I’ve shed grieving the life in my rearview mirror, downshift, and stomp on the gas. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Present Circumstances

View as I entered the state of Washington 06/30/2013

Life happens.  Roadblocks, detours and delays are all part of the chaos.  No matter how much I plan, dream and expect my life to go a certain way, stuff happens to change those plans.  However, I don’t have to let those circumstances rule and determine the direction of my life.  They may have changed my current course, but I’m in control, and it’s up to me to make sure I’m still headed in the right direction.

Presently in my life there are a lot of changes going on.  My children are grown and flying the nest.  My 20-year marriage is coming to an end. My circumstances have changed drastically from what they were last year.  But my ultimate destination and goals are the same.  I’m still just as determined and focused to achieve those goals as I was a year ago.  I went through a numb period, dealing with all the changes, but these have only been detours.  It’s up to me to stop, realize in which direction I stand, turn my face toward the desired destination I want, and then take the steps to get there. 

No one else determines those steps but me, and no one else can take them either.

No matter where you are or how you got there… take a look around at your present circumstances, determine where you want to go, turn toward that direction, and then start moving. I dare you. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Love Is About Appreciation

Blue Bells on Mt. Rainier - 06/09/2013

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve watched new romance blossom between friends, only to find a few months later both of them trying to change the very things about their partners they found attractive in the first place.  It’s maddening, really.    

Why do we do stupid things like that?  Girls, if you’re attracted to bad boys, why do you expect your bad boys to suddenly grow wings?  Or men, if you’re attracted to wild women, why are you surprised when your woman is not Suzy Homemaker?  For the sake of sanity … stop trying to change people from who they are to whom you want them to be. It’s a losing battle.

It isn’t just romantic couples who do this, but this strange anomaly (please note the hint of sarcasm) happens in every relationship of our lives - from our friends and families to co-workers and associates.  The things that usually excites us about each other, is often the very thing we seek to change upon entering into any serious form of relationship.

STOP!

I’m learning to identify what I like about someone and why?  But then I also think about how that trait would affect me in a more personal level.  I.e. – If I admire someone for being career-driven, focused, putting their passion above everything else, then I have to consider that more than likely any social or personal relationship I have with that person will have to come second to their driven passions.  It’s shame on us if we want to change anything about them.   

I’m not saying I couldn’t have a romance with such a person, but it would be wrong of me to want them to change their devotion and focus from their career to me.  What would be healthy is that I appreciate them for who they are, and build a relationship remembering and celebrating those traits into something that would work for us both. 

If he likes alone time… give him time alone.  Don’t gripe and complain that he’s not spending all his time with you.  Plan your time together, but leave room for him to be alone.   

If she likes to be silly with her friends, be the life of the parties …don’t expect her to stay home and cuddle all the time.  Let her be with her friends, or go watch and admire her spread her wings.

If you have a co-worker that performs miracles with a hands-off approach, don’t stand over their shoulders and micro-manage them.   Trust them to excel in the traits you admire in them, and that trust you show them will be returned in the quality of the work they perform.

If you admire the complete openness and blatant honesty of your friend, then don’t get angry at them when they express that same open honesty when it comes to things you don’t agree.  Appreciate them for their open honesty, and be prepared to sometimes hear what might hurt your flesh just a bit.

Do I always treat everyone in my life with this form of fairness?  No. But, I’m working on it. I don’t want to possess someone, I want to appreciate them.   I’m learning to see them for who they are, not for who I want them to be in my life.  I can only hope they return the favor.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray