It's Time

It’s time. I’ve been putting a majority of my life on hold, refusing to make any major decisions, actually panicking to do so. Not because I’m afraid of change, but because I’ve been grieving, grieving a life that once was and a dream of a life that will never be. This is part of the grieving process I find fascinating. Not in a good way, but as a point of observation and understanding. When we lose someone, or go through a major shift in our lives, we grieve the dreams that died because of the loss or the shift. I had many dreams that I’ve had to let go, and their loss broke my heart.

It’s time. It’s time to finally look at all the broken pieces and start putting them together again. I can’t remake the image that once was, but I can make something new, something beautiful, a new dream. For the longest time I didn’t want to think about a new dream, because I was still hurting over the loss of the old one, but I have to let it go and move forward. That’s how life works. I will die inside if I remain where I’m currently dwelling, because I’m just existing, I’m not living, I’m not dreaming. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to grab another dream, because what if I lose it, too? Can my heart take it? Can my soul bear any more pain? That’s been my fear, still is my fear, but fear cannot stop me. It’s time.

It’s time to pull the covers from the mirrors, to open the doors of adventure, and get back to my life. I had made so many strides forward before the detour of cancer and heartbreak interfered, but it’s time to get back to progress. Pausing causes roadblocks and complications. My life is somewhat a mess because of my inactions, my indecisions, my grieving, but it’s not hopeless. It’s time I quit existing and surviving from day to day to building a better tomorrow, to striving toward new success, new adventures, new opportunities. It’s time to get busy. It’s time to let loose the woman inside me, who for so many times and so many years made shit happen, accomplished amazing feats, and scaled mighty mountains. She’s amazing and the things she can accomplish are absolutely mind-blowing, and I’m glad to see she’s waking up and taking control. I’m so tired of hearing myself say, ‘I used to …” It’s time.

Is everything going to just magically happen, opportunities going to land at my door, miraculous blessings make all my dreams come true, love come walking through the door to sweep me off my feet? Not in my experience. No, the journey is just beginning, and every success I’ve ever enjoyed required hard work, determination, drive, energy, focus and sacrifice. It’s hard. It’s always been hard. But, it’s time.

The dreams I once had are dead; they’re gone. It’s time I start dreaming new ones. I don’t care what I used to do, what I’ve done, or what I’ve once achieved …I’m a new person. That person I used to be died along with the cancer that invaded my body and the ache that attacked my heart. Those dreams, relationships and aspirations died too. Will I do similar things I did in the past? Will I be a badass, a writer, an entrepreneur, a lover, an explorer, an agent, a gourmet cook, a fitness guru, a motivational speaker, a wife, a leader, a volunteer, etc.? I don’t know, maybe some, maybe none, but it’s time I start dreaming, and whoever I become – she’s going to be beautiful and amazing.

It’s time… it’s time to live. I’m turning 44 this week. I’m starting my life all over again. Watch out, because it’s going to be amazing.

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

Moving On

Moving On

These last few weeks have been hell, literally back-breaking turmoil.  However, it’s all over and done.  I’m now moved into my new place, everything has been put away, hung, stored, discarded or utilized, so I can now focus on my life.  Moving became top priority and everything else, because I was misplaced, divided, and scattered, became second place.  I have tons of unread email, I haven’t read, written, or promoted anything, my dating life disappeared, I’ve enjoyed no outdoor activities, haven’t seen or really spoken to my friends, and simply the last three weeks have been one big blur.

As I drifted off to sleep last night, I finally faced some things that I’ve been able to put on the back burner through this move.  Hard things.  Painful realizations.  But, today is a new day, and this day marks a new phase in my life.  I’ve been through a lot of those these last couple of years, and quite frankly I’m tired of them. I’d like a little bit of normal, but I know that’s futile.  Normal has never related to me, so I’ve learned to roll with the punches.

I reminded myself why I’m even on this journey in the first place, why I disrupted what most people would say was a good, easy life.  It was picture perfect on the outside, the model of the American dream, but inside I was lost.  I took that leap of faith, disrupted the fantasy, and have been through some amazing changes – some good, some bad, but all forward.  I was starting to become lost again – forgetting my main mission (to live a life of adventure and be loved, wanted, and desired) and sacrificing my own needs to help fulfill others.  But not today.  Today is a new day of a new phase in my life, and today… today I choose me.

I woke up this morning , after spending a night in tears saying goodbye to those things that have been holding me back, things I didn’t want to face, with a smile on my face and renewed determination in my heart.  It’s time I got back to me.  During my workout this morning (which I’m so glad to have all my equipment available) I felt the release with every drop of sweat, every burn of muscle, every measured breath.  I said ‘goodbye’ and ‘hello’ at the same time.

So, this is the start of a new year for me, having just turned 43 a few days ago, a new phase, a new beginning. I’m moving on. I’m leaping into the air.  Watch me fly away!

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Being Comfortable in My Own Skin

Those who know me know I’ve never really been on my own.  I come from a large family, having five brothers which I helped raise, to starting my own family right out of high school.  I spent the next two and a half decades juggling family, college, church, and career.  Those were very important times in my life, and the experience of them shaped so many of my thoughts, values, likes, and dislikes. It completely dictated what I did and didn’t do.

I’m in a new time in my life, a single time, and most often an alone time.  I never had alone time before and it takes some getting used to – because now I have no distractions to keep me from focusing on my own needs, discovering my own wants, and exploring my own desires.  I’ve been a Martha for so long, I quite honestly don’t know how to be a good Mary. I am learning, though, and I have to admit, I really like what I’m discovering.  I’m finding out it’s not so bad being comfortable in my own skin.

So much has changed in my life over the last couple of years, and one of those things have been my groups of friends. I’ve learned that not everybody who told me they love me really did.  They loved the “idea” of loving me, but the execution wasn’t so simple. It’s not their fault either, I didn’t make it easy to love me, and I still don’t.  For many years, I didn’t love myself and no matter how much anyone else loved me, it didn’t help.  I really didn’t know what love was, not real love. I still don’t – really, other than the love I’ve developed for myself, my children, my God, and a few very special friends.

Friends are important.  I’m beginning to think they’re much more important than a lover, but let’s wait until I get a lover and see if my mind changes on that aspect.  Being able to share myself and things in common with people I care about is very important.  I’m a social being.  I’m not meant to be alone and isolated, none of us are.  We need each interaction, we need stimulation, and we need human contact.  But, I’m learning to appreciate solitude, being comfortable in doing things alone, because other people are not going to always be there.  People come and go in my life, and no matter how much I plan on their presence being there, nothing is guaranteed.  I’ve spent too much of my life ‘waiting’ on someone else and allowed too many of my dreams to slip through my fingers because I couldn’t get someone else to be with me, help me, or go with me.  No more. 

If I don’t have anyone to go with me to a place I desire to go, or to do something I desire to do, I’m okay being on my own. The times I have been alone felt a little strange at first, but I’ve come to enjoy them.  Yesterday, I spent the whole day alone - and I loved every minute of it.  It was nice that I didn’t need anyone else to have a good time.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to become a hermit and isolate myself from humanity because I’ve learned I don’t need anyone.  It’s just nice to know I’m enough company for myself.  I still have wants and desires, and one of those desires is to share my life with someone special, to have a great romance, to be somebody’s bright spot, to have lots of wonderful, loving friends, and to live a life full of adventure.  Friends may come and go, a prince may never arrive on his white stallion and sweep me off my feet, or I may not accomplish everything I’ve set my mind to do – but at least it won’t be because I waited on someone else.  I’m not waiting on anyone anymore, except myself.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Changing Seasons

The first day of autumn happened several days ago, but it seems my soul took a little longer to catch up.  I knew when I woke this morning I was entering a new season in my life.  Though the leaves are changing on the trees and the air grows cooler, I feel I’m starting to wake on the inside.  Do you know that feeling after you’ve spent the night crying and then falling into a deep sleep?  I’m done crying, I’ve been asleep, and now it’s time for me to wake and face the new day, the new season, and the next phase of my life.  I’m sure I’ll still grieve parts that are now gone, but the time for mourning is over.  I have to get out of this bed, wash away those dried, sticky tears beneath a hot shower, and slide into new clothes.  It’s time I went outside and stood beneath the sunlight. 

I don’t know what the day will hold, but it won’t be me reflecting on my pain any longer.  I’m sick of it.  I’m sure my friends are sick of it.  I’m sure you readers are sick of it, too.  I want to get back to living. I want to laugh.  I want to explore.  I want to love.  I want to experience.  I want to write about it all.

I’ve got a lot of plans, some of these I’ve put on hold for far too long, and it’s time I got back to business.  I can’t and won’t promise only happiness and good news, but I can promise that I’m making a vow to myself today, a covenant with my heart, that I’m no longer looking back.  It’s not about what I’ve had or haven’t had in the past, what I’ve lost, what I’ve walked away from, or what won’t happen, but now a focus on what I want, what I hope and what I dare to achieve. I have a huge imagination and a will of iron, and it’s time to get busy.

Today is the first day of a new season.  Enjoy the beauty.  Enjoy the harvest.  Enjoy the journey.  Most of all…I hope you enjoy the ride.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Strange Love

I tend to separate my life into three different phases.  There was my childhood where no one ever hugged me or told me they loved me; showing healthy affection just wasn’t something done in my family.  Then there was suburban life filled with family and faith and was hugged and told I was loved almost on a daily basis.  Then there is the phase I’m entering now.  I call this phase the “Me” phase, because it’s the first time in my life I’m able to focus on me, where my wants and desires take center stage.  The biggest part of that focus is love – for me and others around me.

Over the last couple of years I have made a lot of new friends.  This motley crew mainly consists of people who share my greatest passion… writing.  I believe I’ve made these connections because these artistic creatures understand me better than any of those who’ve surrounded me before.  With them, I get to be me – not someone I’m expected to be, and I love them for that reason alone. 

I don’t have to know a whole lot about them to know I love them. They stir my heart, stimulate my mind, and love me just as I am.  Whether I learn anything else from or about them, in my ignorance I know I love them.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray