Beautiful Sad Dream

I had a very beautiful dream last night. It wasn’t anything kinky or adventurous, just a sweet moment of a man and a woman lying in each other’s arms in a meadow, staring up at the sky, pointing at the clouds, and laughing about what their imaginations morphed the many cirrus wonders into. Of course I’d like to believe I was the woman, but I didn’t recognize the man. He’s not anyone I’ve ever met before, or perhaps a culmination of all the men I’ve known in my life into one.

There was a familiarity about my love, though I saw no details… well, no details of his face. I heard a voice and it was calming and he had a hearty laugh, and it made me giggle like no problems existed in the world. I smelled the light scent of musk, and it made me feel at home after being gone away for a long time. I felt the warmth of his body next to mine and the steady beat of his heart, and it made me feel loved as I’ve never been loved. His outstretched arm was strong just like his gentle hands, and they made me feel safe as if the world held no danger. His fingers intertwined with mine, and it was beautiful, and made me feel complete as if we were one.



The sad part of this beautiful dream is that I had to wake up.

True Devotion

*I am not defending or tearing down this book or movie.  This is about a conversation.*

I had another one of those deep, thought-provoking conversations with a good friend of mine this morning, this time it was on the subject of 50 Shades of Grey and the aspect of devotion. This in-depth enlightenment spawned from a meme that said, “Fifty Shades of Grey is romantic only because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.”

~

My comment: “I agree… however, what I think most people miss about that whole story, because they’re fixated on the kinky sex (which I think is interesting), is the way Christian made Anastasia feel. That’s what women desire and why they love this story … a man in control, yet completely devoted. That’s desirable, no matter penthouse or trailer park. Unfortunately, there’s not much complete devotion these days, except from perverts, pedophiles and predators.”

His response: “There is devotion. But the women have to make the man feel that way. If you read the book, you will know there is a hint to this all across it that makes him devoted and madly in love with her. If you don’t have that connection right from the start, it is impossible for a man to show that kind of devotion. It’s kinda like that ‘love at first sight’ thing with a twist.”

My response: “I don’t think so, not at first. I think it’s only possible when trust is established. First sight is chemical and the birth of the fairy-tale dream, but devotion is developed along with trust. A woman’s devotion is given to a man she trust with her heart, mind and body. Trust isn’t automatic, but developed. That’s also very apparent in this book. As Anastasia learned to trust Christian, mostly through the BDSM (which is based on trust), she began to trust him with everything else, including her heart.”

His response: “Then you have never loved at first sight. I can tell you that within 5 minutes of meeting someone. I’ve been that devoted.”

My response: “Yes, I have. I didn’t think ‘love at first sight’ existed until it happened to me.”

His response: “So, your statement is incorrect, based on your experience.”

My response: “No, because devotion never manifested in that relationship because of a lack of trust. Not because of anything he did, but because of trust issues deep-seeded in myself, combined with the fact the love was unrequited. I understand devotion. I spent 20 years of my life devoted to a man who didn’t love me out of principle. So, I do believe in devotion, just not complete devotion without trust.”

His response: “Sorry for you. Hard life you had.”

My response: “Nah, it just hasn’t been my time yet. I didn’t know my last love existed before I met him, so I have hope that my next love is out there somewhere and I’ll meet him someday, and I’ll be glad, even if I have him for only one night like the last man completely devoted to me. I’ve had my Christian Grey, that’s how I know such devotion exists when trust is developed. I just lost him, that’s all.”

~

So what do you believe? Do you believe a man can be completely devoted at first sight? Or do you believe that while he may be attracted at first sight, the true devotion becomes stronger as the trust between the couple grows? One thing I know, if you don’t trust someone, you won’t be totally devoted to them. You’ll hold back a part of yourself out of self-preservation.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Omega Victrix Mortalis - February 2015

Every kind of group filled with human being goes through a constant metamorphosis. It will never be the same today as it was yesterday, or as it will be tomorrow. As long as people have free will, change in inevitable. The same goes for clan membership. Omega Victrix Mortalis is filled with human beings, creatures filled with different backgrounds, ideas, passions, levels of maturity, and experiences. However, there are some traits that should be cultivated in order for the group to strive and continue to grow.

I'm very proud of OVM. There have been some members that have come and gone, others who are in constant pursuit to steal our members away to their own clans, and yet others who come from other places seeking something new, wanting something more than just the game.

What I love most about this clan is that our coming together isn't JUST about the game. We have and are becoming a network of friends who love and support one another in life - not just bounties, strikes, matches, missions, and raids. We are family. It breaks my heart when we lose one of our members to another clan, much the way losing a friend or family member. However, members are free to come and go as they will. As as long as the moves are open and honest, there should be no reason we can't continue to be friends and support one another ..even if we're not clan members. Trust, however, once lost ...is almost impossible to regain. Loyalty is not just a one time thing that is proven with one act, or can be traded for one moment, but is a part of the integrity a person already has within them. I am loyal to my friends and family. They come first. If loyalties are divided, so is the mindset, and also the respect. Matthew 6:24 - "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other." Alliances are preferable to divided loyalties. Respect is a two-way street. Promises made should be kept.

OVM has recently added a few new members. Veteran OVM's, please do all you can to welcome new clan members. Attend to their needs, help them with their missions, invite them into your hearts, make room for them into your gaming lives, and treat them with the respect you'd want to receive. Support them, help them become the best at their game, cheer them on, let them know and feel they're part of the family. I love you all. I miss the ones we've lost, but it is what it is. Guard your hearts and don't let your actions be 'just about the game'. OVM is more than just a clan. Destiny, AC Unity, Halo, GTA5, COD, etc. are all just games, but OVM is filled with friends and family, and that is much more important than any game.

Here is the OVM clan roster as of 02/19/2015:

PhoenixMortalis - Founder/God (College Student/CSI)

KV Kvothe - Administrator/Goddess (Writer/Consultant)

iTz CriMSonDxsk - Administrator/God (College Student/Medical Field) - Currently in the finals for COD MLG team! Go, Crimson!

RevertantPath - Administrator/God (High School Student)



CJBIGMAC - Guardian/Demigod (College Student/Mechanical)

iTz CriMSonJr - Guardian/Mascot (Student)



greyNinja - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

Deathstroke1997 - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

GODLY Furrrball - Guardian/Mortal (Business Owner/Operator)

InfernoVictrix - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

XxTrsXShotxX - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

Set Off The DJ - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

oZ Bacon - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

oZ Vinyl - Guardian/Mortal (Canadian... but we won't hold that against him.)

oZ Shocx (Shocx Gaming) - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

the Cheeseki11er - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

BABYDOLL 143 - Guardian/Princess (Bartender)



Till next time,



~KV Kvothe

Complicated Life

Some of the most profound conversations happen at the oddest times, often unplanned and unexpected. As I was falling asleep last night, my mind half suspended between listening to the repetitive beating of my heart, being grateful to be alive, and trying to catch the swirling thoughts filtering through my mind, I focused on one particular idea fading in and out. Without thought, perhaps subconsciously my soul reaching out to a distant friend, I sent the following text message, “Will life always be this complicated?”

I didn’t expect a response. I closed my eyes, pulled the blankets up to my neck, and hugged my pillow as I started to drift once again into the land of dreams and thoughts. A deep sense of longing for something familiar overwhelmed me. Scenes of my life, people who’ve come and gone, flashed through my mind’s eye. The world keeps changing, nothing ever stays the same, and the people I have loved most in this world have disappeared from my life for various reasons. I hated that moment. I remembered the shallow promises from each one, reminded that life never works out the way we plan, the way we hope, or the way we’ve been led to believe.

I have no regrets, because I’ve lived my life as open and honest as I could, and tried with all my heart to be enough, to be my best, to give my best. It was never enough. It’s my own fault, because I believed the lies, I hoped for the false dreams, I set my expectations high. I thought I could control the outcome with discipline, faithfulness, honesty, faith and hope. I controlled nothing.

The response I received was but a simple word, but it opened the floodgates inside my soul. His words have always been able to do that to me. No matter the state of our relationship, which at this time is non-existent, my muse answered, “Ahuh”.

I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, the tears of disappointment, of heartbreak, of facing the reality of a situation. I saw the good of life mixed with the bad, the happy moments meshed with the moments of utter pain, a brief glance of love mixed with the face of indifference. It was all one big mess. I responded, “That’s nice to know, good night.”

He responded, “If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be life.”

That broke the dam inside and I lashed out, “Why doesn’t it come with an instruction manual, or at least a YouTube video, with guidelines? Instead we have fuckups leading fuckups into one rut (a ditch without end) after another, and the independent sojourner aimlessly wandering in never-ending wastelands. Yet, I still dream of paradise (which turns out is actually a sectioned portion of Hell).” 

Meaning – nobody knows the answers, and if we think we do, it’ll turn out to be another lie. We have preachers, prophets and priests telling us their interpretation of God’s guidelines, but all live as hypocrites. We have the politically correct demanding its own set of rules in the name of intolerant tolerance. We have the pacifist, atheist, and various deist all demanding a voice, screaming over each other, but not listening. I am as a child standing in a desert, looking for an answer, but only able to hear a roaring sandstorm. It’s choking me, filling my ears, my mouth, my eyes, and my lungs full of bitter sand. I can’t breathe. My soul needs water. I’m thirsty.

I long for the day when I can close my eyes and finally rest, yet I fight like hell to keep that day from coming as long as I can. Ahuh, life is certainly complicated.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Sun-Kissed

I hear the sound of the pouring rain outside my office and I can’t stop the smile forming across my face. The tempest outside is loud. It’s hard. It wonderfully glorious. Not because I particularly like the rain, which I do, but because I feel as though my naked soul stands beneath a majestic downpour filled with new grace, new life, and new beginnings. I’ve carried around the ashes of grief long enough. I feel light. I feel …ready.

For the first time in my life my present, my life, and my future belong to me, and only me. I’m alive. I’m free. I won’t be chasing dead dreams, but dreaming new ones.

Love me, hate me, envy me, or despise me – I honestly don’t care. Just watch me - amazing things are happening!!!!!!!

It was once prophesied over me that I had been called before I was born, marked and targeted; that my life would be shattered into a million pieces; that there were several tentacle arms reaching out to grab and bind me and keep me from my mission; and that like a ship I would be dashed upon the rocks and left for dead. Yet a tempest would come and wash away the debris and I would rise from the wreckage with 9 stars above my head, sun-kissed, strong, wielding a sword, with coal-touched lips filled with words of fire that would weave its way through the universe and touch the hearts and minds of kings and priests.

When I heard that prophecy the creative writer in me thought it’d make for a good story, but was certain the minister who gave it must clearly be mistaken, confused, and perhaps a little crazy. But those words have never left me. I’d laugh them off at times, chuckle at their absurdity, roll my eyes at their sensationalism, and shake my head. I have no idea what it even means, but perhaps there’s something subconsciously inside me that likes the rain because I’m clinging to a hope for this prophesied relief.

It doesn’t matter. Whether the prophecy is real or a joke, I feel my soul dancing in the rain. I have been shattered, abandoned and broken as I tangled with death – death of a dream, death of a promise, death of a marriage, and death of a friendship – yet I’m still alive. Even cancer couldn’t defeat me.

What do I do now?

I LIVE!

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

Morning Musings and Affectionate Greetings

To those I care about most in this world, I often send a morning musing or an affectionate greeting. Sometimes it’s a blanket statement to all those I cherish, but sometimes they are individual and specific to that particular friend. Some days I don’t send any at all. I never just send them to send them, only when I’m inspired or moved with the full intent and feeling behind them. So, if you get such a greeting from me, it means I value you, been thinking about you, or feel I needed to reach out to you.

My musings are often deep and profound. While the sentiment may be shared by those who may have come before, and more likely to be shared by those who follow, they are always my original thoughts, feelings, or contemplations. I’m a deep thinker. I’m also very passionate and feel very deeply as well – about EVERYTHING. It drives some of my more reserved and practical friends quite crazy. But I am who I am, and I won’t apologize for feeling or thinking the way I do. Love me as I am, or don’t love me at all. I won’t change for you.

I love that place between the dream world and being awake, where my filter of bias hasn’t had a chance to interfere. My inner editor hasn’t even had time to sharpen her red pencil, so I’ve discovered it’s the place where I learn most of the truths about myself, my beliefs, my hopes, my feelings, and even my fears. I don’t always like the things I uncover, but many times I surprise myself, am very pleased, and can’t help but smile at the beautiful woman I’ve discovered there.

Tomorrow morning, just before you open your eyes, listen to your heart. What is your musing telling you?

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

Not Giving Up ...Changing Gears

Not Giving Up …Changing Gears

Just to be clear, I’m not giving up on dating right now, I’m just not giving it any of my focus. I do plan to return to the wacky world of 21st Century dating after I take a little time to figure out what the hell I want to do first with the rest of my life. I’m at a crossroads …again. I really wish I could find me a nice, long, winding, coastal road, one that I can just sit back and enjoy the scenery and get past all the interchanges.

I’m changing gears. I’m taking a new road. I’m looking for new adventures. One thing I’m not changing is my focus and my direction. I’m not looking backwards. I can’t go back to what had been, and I have to let go of what could’ve been. Both were beautiful dreams, but the journey has moved on and I have to make room for new horizons. I know where I’ve been, I know the road I’m on, I just have no idea where it leads. In some ways I like that – just hitting the open roads and letting it take me where it dares. But, in other ways, I need at least a near point of reference. All I know is forward.

I guess the first question is …what do I want? How the hell do I know? Seriously, do any of us know? I can’t answer that question, not honestly. I know more of what I don’t want than what I do. The only thing I know that I do want is something real. I’m so tired of all the bullshit. I’m tired of the games. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m tired of the delusions.

Over the last several years I have done some really hard soul-searching. I have uprooted everything in my life, put myself out there, and dared to love. I have met some assholes and I have met some angels. But mostly, I’ve met a bunch of liars. Why is the world so afraid to be honest, to be who they really are? I’ll tell you why… it’s because they have no fucking idea who they are or what they want. They can’t even see the obvious lies right in front of their faces. Can I do this, too? ALL THE TIME.

I’m not perfectly minded, but I’m honest. I’m not perfectly sculpted, but I’m real. I’m not perfectly educated, but I’m smart. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I learn from them. We all have fucked up, many times, but we have to learn to get back up and keep moving forward, keep learning, keeps trying, and really live in the moment.

I have faced death and I have won. It’s changed me, I mean, it’s really changed me. It’s not only changed a little part of me, but it’s like I’m being reborn again – made new. There are so many things I could go back to, but the life bubbling inside me refuses to allow me to look backwards. So, I can’t. Sure, there are things the world made say needs to be fixed, but I disagree. I will not step backwards… but forward.

What does this mean to all the plans I once had, the dreams I dared to dream, the work I was working on, and the relationships that have come and gone … that none of them are guaranteed to be a part of my life now. I’m alive. I’m awake. I’m moving on. Everything up to this point has helped get me here, and I’m grateful, but not everything or everyone will be moving onward with me. If it wasn’t good enough to sustain me then, I’m not wasting my time hoping it would sustain me now or in the future. If not loved then, they don’t deserve to love me now.

For those I leave behind, while I may miss you, I don’t need you. I’ve never needed any of you. I wanted your love. If you were in my life it was because I chose you, I loved you, or I wanted you. If you couldn’t simply choose to love me back, that’s your loss and your dumbass decision. I’ll never be where I’m not wanted. I won’t love, wait, and chase that which doesn’t want to be found or loved. I can’t save you and it’s not my job to fix you. Love yourself, guys. Me, my love, who I am, what I have, or what I can do for you will never be enough. I don’t want anything from anyone but honesty and something real. Take your lies, your games, and your fucked up ideas and go away. If you couldn’t fight for me in the storm, you don’t deserve to dance with me in the sunlight. I’ve had enough bullshit. I’m so thankful to be alive. I’ve got things to do, places to go, dreams to chase, but I don’t have time for nonsense.

So, having said that – I’m going to take a break from the dating scene for a little while, re-evaluate who I am, what I want, and get my life set on a particular road, and then perhaps take another look at the idea of dating. It’s quite exhausting shoveling through bullshit, talking to people who don’t listen, or caring for people who don’t care in return. I’m running. If you can’t chase me, you sure as hell will never catch me.

I’m happy. There’s been a smile on my face for days now and it’s for simply being appreciative to be alive, for being and loving myself just as I am. I’m alone and happy - go figure. Don’t call me with your problems. I actually don’t answer my phone much these days.

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

My Family, My Clan

Family is a mixed up concept for me. I often struggle with the thoughts of whether my emotions are connected through an intangible bond or from man-made expectations. I understand the biology, the nature, but I have also witnessed the nurturing bond that families produce as they take care of one another. I even understand the bond that survival produces – when people are thrown together in violent or volatile situations. Yet, all this understanding doesn’t answer the question of why it hurts so much to be rejected by those we expect to love us most. Is it some unseen bond that has us endure that which hurts us, or just stubbornness?

I’m a beautiful woman. I’m adored by many. I’m pursued by several and even have inspired arguments, fights, and jealous disagreements. Yet by those who are supposed to love me most, I’m rejected and unwanted. But, don’t judge my ‘family’, because the feeling is mutual – I reject and do not want them either. I’ve often felt guilty for feeling this way. Many of the people that have come through this life often try to make me feel guilty for feeling like that, but I’m honest about how I feel. I always have been, and that’s not something easy to face.

There is this group of people that have come into my life recently where I feel such a deep bond. I question if it’s because I’m in survival mode and I’m bonding with them for that reason, or is it because they nurture things in me that have been long neglected. They adore me. They make no secret I’m wanted, I’m needed, or even that I’m desired. This group I’m talking about is my Destiny clan, Omega Victrix Mortalis. They’re my family, and like all families, they are a motley crew of one mess after the next. It’s like we are the clan filled with misfits, rejects, and the misunderstood. What makes us different from the other clans we meet in the land of Xbox Live, is because we care about each other as people.

Recently my beloved clan has endured a division where a couple members (family) cared more for the game, more for the power and control, and more for the stroke of ego than for the people behind the controllers. My gameplay is important, something I often struggle with much stress and trepidation, but it’s the lives behind the controllers I care about most. This split hurts because I have to watch more people I care about walk out of my life. I will stand by and watch them go, because I’ll never be where I’m not wanted. I’ll never want or force someone to be around that doesn’t want to be around. Just because I’ll stand to the side, doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain of that separation, or the rejection.

For those who have remained, they’ll never know how much they mean to me. As I mentioned before, we’re a group of misfits, but this bunch of misfits have some of the greatest hearts I’ve ever met.

Phoenix Mortalis – (the defender) is a young, twenty-year old, gorgeous, shy college student, studying to become a CSI agent. He’s loyal. He’s sensitive. He notices the little things. Though a girl getting upset makes him very uncomfortable, he’s always there, even if it’s being there in silent comfort for those in his circle. He’s a true knight in shining armor, willing to risk everything to protect, to defend, or to support. He’d make a great soldier because he already has the natural instincts of a defender. He has a tight inner circle and guards it well. But, if you’re lucky enough to get inside that circle, you’ve truly found a beautiful treasure of a friend. He’s a great player. I watched him do amazing things with a broken controller. The greatest was his determination. I watched him do amazing things with limited abilities, and since he’s regained a lot of those abilities, he’s gone on to do even more amazing things. He reminded me of how wounded soldiers who never let their disabilities define them, but strengthen them.

iTz CriMSonDxsk – (the nurturer) is a young, twenty-year old, gorgeous, shy college student, studying to become a Surgical Technician and currently works as a transporter at a hospital. He’s also loyal and sensitive. He’s an Empath – he feels what others feel around him. He’s one of the best gamers I’ve met so far, a beast in the battlefield, and there isn’t a feat yet I haven’t seen him unable to accomplish. He’s a natural. He’s humble. Yet he desires no power or praise for his acts. He doesn’t seek the limelight but prefers to sit in the shadows, yet is unable to hide in obscurity because he’s in great demand. Players constantly seek him out to join them because he’s the best. He’s greatly misunderstood, often thought of as naïve, but he’s much more complex. I see a great man in the making. There’s no ego, just a quiet confidence.

RevertantPath – (the counselor) is a young, seventeen-year old (going on 40), not sure if he’s gorgeous or not because no one has seen his picture but he has a heart of pure gold (with a dash of trickster), shy, high school student who doesn’t yet know what he wants to do with his life. He’s also loyal. He’s a fountain of information and wisdom. There’s no task he’s afraid to tackle. He’s independent, yet he understands the bonds of our family. He never hesitates to jump in and help someone out, yet never asks for help (because he doesn’t need it). He’s mostly quiet, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t listening. He’s always listening. When he decides to speak (it usually starts with … “So, I’ve been thinking… “) you should pay attention because what follows is always something deep, something profound, something often unexpected from such a young man. He’s left me speechless many times. He’s not afraid to confront, yet chooses his moments with precision. He’s one of the wisest people I know (and I know a lot of them).

iTz CrimSon Jr – (the mascot) is a young, thirteen-year old, who I’m sure is adorably cute, funny, and a big ball of energy. He brings life to the party chat and game no matter what’s going on. He’s a reflection, a symbol, a mirror of who we are as a clan. He loves without question. He trusts without wariness. He’s a treasure to be protected, not manipulated and used. He reminds me what it’s like to be a mother. I miss being a mother, being needed.

The rest of our clan is filled with other wonderful members too. They have their own set of skills and diverse personalities.

CJBIGMAC never fails to make me laugh. I could listen to his silly stories all day, his natural and free responses to every situation, and his KV worship is like no other.
gr3y ninja is often really quiet, but when he gets relaxed and lets out his personality, it never fails to make me laugh. Just don’t depend on him if his girlfriend calls. She comes first.

XxTrsXshoTxX is a little passionate in both positive and negative ways. He’s a beast in the Crucible and a great asset in the raids, and a faithful helper when you just need someone to hang out with to help with missions and bounties. I like to listen to his silly stories.

Oz Bacon is another little trixster like RevertantPath, but he’s also fearless, ready to jump in no matter how big the task.
Set off the DJ is still getting his feet wet, but so far he’s doing a good job. If only I can get him to understand the usage of ‘wilco’.

Deathstroke1997, Phoenix Mortalis’ brother, while busy with school, he’s a great player and never hesitates to jump in and help where it’s needed.

Mike Honcho470 is guy I went on a date with and the whole time talked so passionately about Destiny that I inspired him to go out and buy an XboxOne and Destiny. While this is his first FPS game, he’s got a zeal that’s to be envious. He never fails to make me smile.

Last, but not least, is Godly Furrrball. I love Destiny and the concept of clans because of this gorgeous man. The way he talked with admiration and pride about the boys in his crew stirred a deep need in my heart and made me realize I had an empty space in my own that needed to be filled. My clan has done that for me. I also admired the pit bull in him that would come out to defend his family, even if was against me. He’s taught me a lot. He’s pushed me beyond my limits. He’s broken my heart. Hey, he’s family, what can I say.

There are other players in the Destiny universe that I play with often whom I also view as family even if they’re not in my clan … (ZeroFX AirB SGT, SxProphet, WARSHAC, OZ Vinyl, UCindian11, ShumateClan(Little Light), logjmr, Blaxican, SkyBlaster, and all those guys in I Am Leg3nd, and my son, JewsDestroy99.

So, what is family? Who is family? How is family defined? I suppose it’s defined by whatever I choose. I choose my Destiny family. I love them dearly.


Till next time,


~KV Kvothe

I Miss You, My Love

I miss you, my love

and the way you used to text

and the stupid little videos

and the never-ending playlists

the games

the rules

the stories 

the lies

You were beautiful, my love

when you were mine

Daily Lessons

Everything in life poses a lesson, even the good things right along with the bad. Having an open mind makes all the difference on what lessons we learn from those experiences.

I can go through my life and tell you good things I’ve learned, and also how I was really stupid at other things. I wish I always chose the right choices, learned the right things, and made the right decisions, but most often it was the mistakes that taught me the greatest lessons. I don’t regret my mistakes… only perhaps the lessons I might have missed along the way.

What are my lessons now? What are my struggles today and what can I learn from them? Again, life poses many struggles for me, but right now the consuming ones would be how to get through the day after losing the friendship of someone I loved very much, how to love the new friends in my life, and how to live in the moment – and to let that be enough.

I can’t change my past. I can’t make someone love me that doesn’t, or hate someone I love. I can’t control what tomorrow holds. All I can do is live the best I know how in this moment, in this day, in this time. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I’ve died twice, and I can’t help but think I’ve lived for a purpose. Have I already fulfilled that purpose? I don’t know and I honestly don’t care. The purpose will fulfill itself.

In living today… for today… I’ve become very picky about the people I let into my life. Dating is complicated. I hope with every date, but have learned to let that hope leave as quickly with those dates when my princes turn out to be frogs. I’ll find my prince someday, but until then I’m determined to remain content in being alone. Yeah, it’s lonely, especially when I’m cold, or scared, or excited and want to share that excitement, but I’m not without love or friends… or lessons to be learned.

I find out later this month if I’m going to be able to move forward, or if I need to jump into the trenches to take a step back. Until then, I can’t thank God enough for the love, support, and distraction that my Destiny clan, no my Destiny family, has provided for me. I have made some connections that I know will be lifelong family, and I have made some friends that I hope will always be there. Who knows… Destiny may even lead me to the love that has evaded me for so long. In that world… I am KV Kvothe, beautiful, sexy, and a greatly loved goddess. My clan and my friends never fail to make me feel wanted and appreciated. I’m not the best gamer, but I hope I’m the best goddess they know.

What are my lessons during this time? Persistence. Stubborness. Strategy. Loyalty. Clans. Leaders. Romantic gestures. Friends. Determination. Letting go. Breathing. Losing a muse, a god, a hope, a fantasy, a love. … that life is meant to be lived in the moment, to still love the world even when it doesn’t love you back.

Till next time,



~KV Kvothe

To Pursue, or Not to Pursue

I had a guy message me yesterday after not hearing from him for a few weeks.  When I didn’t respond to his message, he posted another text asking why I’m not talking to him anymore. I considered not even answering that post, but reconsidered. Maybe he didn’t really understand the reason for my silence, so I broke it and responded with something like the following:

“I haven’t been responding to your messages because I now realize that you’re not really that into me. I want to feel wanted and I didn’t. I felt you wanted me sexually, but not emotionally. You never called. You barely texted, and I just felt like I was an afterthought. This is the beginning of a relationship and I should be a consuming thought. I don’t want to be someone settled for, but someone desired, pursued… wanted. I want to be worth the effort, the chase, the prize. How can you catch me if you’re not even running after me? I really liked you and was very attracted to you, but I kept waiting for you - until I realized I’m not supposed to be waiting.”

I hope the next woman he meets inspires him to be more pursuant. I also hope the next man I meet will find me worthy and desirable enough for the chase. He is going to have to chase me because I only know how to run.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Specialties and Special People

Everyone has something they’re gifted at, but not all our gifts are blatantly obvious. Some of us rise to great heights and receive lots of acclaim and attention for our gifts, while others’ majesty is never seen by anyone, hidden among the thorns and roses.

Most of you know that I’ve become immersed into the world of Destiny (XBoxOne) and I’m learning some amazing things. Mostly, I’m meeting some really special people with lots of different specialties. I spend a lot of time there in awe at the playing skills of many of the guardians like this one soldier named SxProphet that blew my mind showing off as he completed a solo run of the Crota raid. Since meeting him, he’s done many things that have impressed me beyond measure. I have a great admiration for him, especially the way he leads his clan, I Am Leg3end. They work together in a way that I find simply amazing. Their communication is often silent, yet unquestioning. My heart swells every time I am given the honor of playing with them. I doubt they’ll ever know how much I admire them.

Speaking of clans, Omega Victrix Mortalis is growing by leaps and bounds with lots of new, exciting, and good-hearted Guardians. I admire every one of our members and I’m amazed at many of the things they can do. I am so proud of them and their accomplishments. When I play Crucible with them, I may hold the spot at the bottom of the leader boards, but my clan never fails to take the top three slots. NEVER. I’d bet real money on my boys. They’re really the best and not just because I know them and they’re in my clan, but they really are the best. I’d always bet on XxTrsXShotxX, iTz CriMSondxsk, Revertant Path, PhillyzPhin3st, Phoenix Mortalis, and Manny5173 in any match. EVERY TIME. However, stomping on their heels are gr3y ninja, CJBIGMACK, WARSHAC, UCindian, and KillaCam31787. I’ve only got glimpses of the game play of iTz CriMSon Jr, Deathstroke1997 and ShadowStormlV, but I have high hopes they’re going to give our top players some competition. Of course, KV Kvothe still holds the bottom slot on that leaderboard, but it’s alright… I call it practice, and Lord knows I need lots and lots and lots and lots of practice. Needless to say, Crucible isn’t one of my specialties.

One of the things I do specialize in is DETERMINATION. I may lose a lot, but I never give up. I especially never give up on my friends. Today I’m going to start putting together a raid team. This team isn’t going to be made up of only excellent and amazing raiders like SxProphet and his clan, or some of the other members of my clan like PhillyzPhin3st, but of ‘newbs’ like me who want to learn and isn’t afraid to fail a thousand times to get it right. I’m tired of going into raids and being referred to as the weakest link, not having the right weapons or armor, or as someone that needs to be protected, sheltered, left behind, or carried by other members of the Fireteam. It’s not fair to me or the other raiders. Everybody had to start somewhere. I’ve been in the raids now a few times, and every time it’s been with a different group that completed them in a different way. I’ve learned something valuable with every raid, especially the fact that there are a thousand ways it can be done, a thousand ways that it can’t be done, and a thousand different groups all trying to get it done. There are a lot of us that just need experience. To gain that experience, we need patient people who are willing to try, and try, and try, and try, and try again without getting upset, frustrated, or angry.

Understanding Patience - THAT’s my specialty. I’m a cheerleader, an encourager, and an exalter. I see the weaknesses and failures in others, but I focus on their strengths and their potential. My heart is to see them rise above their current situation or station and reach for the stars, because we all deserve stars. I’m not waiting on a break to come my way, I’m making one. My hope isn’t that this team only learns the skills to be great raiders, but perhaps learn a little bit of that understanding patience so they can be an inspiration for the next group of ‘newbs’ that comes along.

I’m really hoping that some of the expert Raider friends of mine will give my team a little bit of their time to help us, give us some advice, tips, stratagem, or pointers. But if they don’t (and I understand many of them have time restrictions and goals of their own to complete) we still won’t give up. We will just keep doing it again and again and again and again until WE are the expert Raiders.

As long as I’m needed in my team, I will be there. There is only one thing that could ever make me leave. We all have triggers in our lives that sends us running. For me – that trigger is being where I’m not wanted. I NEVER want to feel I’m a burden or a hindrance to anyone - ever. So, a little clue – if you ever want to get KV Kvothe to run for the hills, just make her feel unwanted or unwelcome. I love my clan, Omega Victrix Mortalis, because they make me feel loved, wanted, and a part of the family. They love me because I show them, I tell them, and I make them feel loved, wanted, and appreciated. This is my gift. This is my blessing. This is the part I play. Others lead in other ways – through skill, through knowledge, through their gaming abilities - I lead through compassion. I’m definitely not loved for my gaming skills, but I’m greatly loved by many for my heart.

Till next time,

~KV Kvothe

Inequality in Relationships

Most of us, not all of us, because some of us have to learn things the hard way and do everything backwards and find out through the mistakes we make, have the wrong impression of what equality means in a relationship.

What I mean by equality - is hanging onto the idea or belief that you will receive an equal portion of whatever (love, devotion, honesty, trust) you put into it. That’s never been the case in my experience, yet is it the main foundation to a lot of my disappointment, because it’s what I expected, it’s what I was taught, it’s what I believed.

Case in point: We are told that we will reap what we sow, to do unto others as you would have them do to you, that whatsoever a man sews that also will he reap, that if we want love, we must first give love, so on and etc. Those concepts are right, but my understanding of them were wrong, and that has broken my heart so many times.

Hopefully I can explain it in terms you’ll understand. I’m an honest person to a fault. I believe honesty is the true key and foundation to any relationship (lover, friend, etc), that a relationship built and held by lies and deception will fall apart. In my life, I’ve never been able to heal deep hurts through lies and deceptions, especially in the things that I’ve deceivably thought . Only when I face the truth of something, even the truth that rips my heart into shreds and leaves me unable to breathe, I can only heal from that wound in and with truth. I lie to myself all the time because the lies are prettier, happier, sexier, and easier to believe. But my belief in them, never changes the truth of the situation, only my reaction and perception. Often I believe the lies to keep from getting hurt – which NEVER works and I get hurt anyway, not only from the starkness of the truth, but from the death of the beautiful lie I created. I sometimes miss my lies – because I have a great imagination and made many of them so beautiful.

So, with that said, I don’t lie to whom I’m in a relationship, not intentionally anyway. I’m open and refuse to have a filter on expressing what I feel, what I think, what I want, what I don’t want – even if I’m wrong or make a mistake. I don’t play head games, yet I’m constantly lied to and played for a fool. So, see… there’s great inequality in relationships. I sew honesty, faithfulness, trust, and the deepest of passion and love – but I’m not guaranteed those things in return. As a matter of fact – I’ve become an expert at loving deeply but never being loved deeply in return, of being lied to, of being cheated on, and being untrusted. I’m never ‘the one’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m loved, but there’s something about me that keeps others from falling in love with me. Even my husband of 20 years loved me dearly, respected me enormously, but was never in love with me. I don’t know what it is, I can’t see it, but something is definitely there. It’s my curse.

The funny (sarcasm inserted) part is that when I first start talking to men, almost all of them quickly fall in love with idea of me, my mind, my personality, my ideas, my humor, even my face. I’ve been told on many, many occasions that I’m quite possibly the perfect woman. But, after they meet me I somehow don’t live up to their fantasy and crash hard from their pedestals. I’m not sure where it goes wrong because I’m exactly the same in person as I am over the phone, Skype, text, or email. Most of them are still in my life today and consider me their best friend, their closest confidant, their buddy. Sometimes they even briefly forget they’re not in love with me, until we meet again face to face and they’re reminded I’m not the one. I’ve asked them why or what is it about that changes their minds, but have yet to be given an answer other than “I honestly don’t know.” I have watched them all go on to love other women, who seem to have kept their balance upon their pedestals and make my friends happy. Most of these men still keep in touch and tell me often to keep myself open because my match will one day come, but I don’t believe that anymore.

I get messages, what we used to call love letters, periodically from some of my male friends who tell me they love me deeply and would like to spend the rest of their lives fulfilling all my hopes, fantasies, and dreams. I know it’s not real. Sometimes these messages make me cry. It’s like dangling food in front of a starving child just waiting for them to reach out and grab it, to only slap their hand away and give it to someone else. It’s not equal. It never has been. It never will be. I’ve also been on the other end and did not possess the love others wanted from me, to find it just wasn’t there. I won’t pretend to love someone if I don’t.

Those statements I mentioned toward the beginning of this article are not lies. They’re absolutely true. My previous understanding of what they really meant is where the problem abounds. If I want love, I must first love, because in order to give love I have to first have love. To have love, in order to love someone else, I have to first possess love for and from me. When I love someone else, the love I receive in return isn’t contingent on how much I love them, but on how much love they have in them to share with me. To what measure I receive love from them depends on how much love they possess and how much they’re willing to give. It’s got nothing to do with me. The love I receive - from the love I give - is the love that comes from me. The love I receive from them is only the love they choose to give. The trust I receive - from the trust I give – is the trust I have in myself. The trust, or lack thereof, I receive from them comes from the trust they have in themselves. The respect, the honesty, the admiration, the passion I receive – from all those things I give – is the things that come from me. These things coming from them are contingent on how much they possess for/from themselves.

Bottom line: If these men don’t love me, want me, or desire me - it’s got nothing to do with the measure of love, want, and desire I have/had for them, but on how much they already have it in them and how much they want to share it with me. There is no equality in relationships that guarantees I’ll ever be loved, wanted, and desired. I deserve to meet an unselfish man who is willing to give all those things to me. I don’t believe he exists, but it’s what I want and believe I deserve. If they lie to me, cheat on me, reject me, disrespect me, or use me, that too has nothing to do with me – and everything to do with who they are and their personal integrity. Because I’m honest, doesn’t guarantee they are. Because I’m faithful, doesn’t guarantee they will be. Because I’m devoted, doesn’t guarantee they will love me. So, whatsoever a man sews (MY love), THAT (MY love) also shall he reap (I give/get my own love). If I want to be loved deeply, then I must possess deep love – but the love that I will receive will be the love to which I used to love deeply – it’s my own love returning back to me. While I want love from someone else, it’s not within my power to obtain it. I can’t make someone else love me, nor will I ever try. It has to be freely given by their own choosing.

I choose me. Now I just have to figure out how to breathe from being unchosen.

Till next time,

~Breathless in LaLa Land

I Hate You!

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.


I'm done.


I hope one day really soon I'll mean every word with every fiber of my being.

Oh, My Weary Soul

God, this world is so messed up, and I’m broken in so many shattered pieces, there are just some days too heavy for me to bear. I’ve lived in this valley for a long time, actually I think I was born here, and I can’t seem to find my way out.

I’m so tired of saying ‘goodbye’. What the hell is good about bye? What the hell is so wrong with me that I’m never enough to fight for? I don’t think it’s that I’m not enough, but that I’m more than they deserve. Because I know I sure as hell deserve a lot better. I deserve something real, and the world is full of cowards too afraid to be real.

I have scars all over my body. I try to hide them, not because I’m ashamed, but because I also carry the inner scars that were created from them and don’t want to share them with just anyone. People are strange creatures. We’re controlled by our fears, and often can’t see a person beyond their skin. We lie to ourselves and convince ourselves that our faith, our beliefs, our values, or our philosophies guide and lead us in our decisions, but they don’t… our fear does.

I have a friend who says he fears nothing, but he’s lying to himself. He runs as I hard as I do, perhaps even harder, because he’s afraid. But I don’t have to tell him. In the silence, he knows the truth. However, knowing the truth doesn’t keep him from being an asshole. Even still, he’s beautiful and I love him, even though I also hate him for his vanity and cowardice.

I heard a quote this morning from Jim Carrey – “My soul is not contained within the limits of my body, my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.” The Journey of Purpose. I believe this. When I look at someone, I look beyond their flesh and try to see their soul. When I tell someone they’re beautiful, it isn’t their body I’m talking about, but their soul.

Who sees my soul? Who can see past the smile or beyond the scars? I believe no one. I’m just the girl who ______ (fill in the blank).

My soul is weary. My heart is crushed. My faith is weak. I’m tired of carrying this mangled scarred body around. I can’t run any more. I wasn’t meant to run, but to fly. I’m lost.

Elusive Dream

Elusive dream, why do you turn into vapor every time I dare to touch your essence? 

I watch you swirl around others, guided by the gentle wind. I can see the euphoric expressions on the faces of those you entice, hypnotize, and fill with your peace. 

But for me, you recoil. You tease me, taunt me, but most of all haunt me, showing me your beauty yet leaving me in the cold, dark shadows. 

Elusive dream, I’ve learned to hate you. Though I long for you, desire you, and love you deeply, I yearn for the sun to ignite and consume you into mist, evaporating my torture along with you. 

The sun refuses to shine and the moon fights for permanent dominance. Without the radiant light my branches wither, my leaves fall, and I slowly die. 

Elusive dream, release the night or else kill me. I can’t take anymore. Please.

~T.L. Gray

All I Want for Christmas ...

Well, it’s that time of year again. The last two holiday seasons haven’t been very ‘joyous’ to me because I’m having this internal struggle with what form I want to ‘celebrate’ the holidays. I suppose my struggle all along has been me fighting against tradition and expectation more than anything. I find myself once again pushing back on this huge, sometimes seemingly insurmountable, block of tradition trying to dictate to me what I should do and how I should feel. It reminds me of a Norman Rockwell painting. I always felt out of place because I lived in a world that was nothing like his paintings, yet I wanted that world more than anything. I eventually created that world for me and my family – and enjoyed it for nearly 20 years, but felt like a fraud the whole time.

Everyone has their own experiences and interpretation. For some it’s in keeping the religious observance. But even for those who march to the crusade to keep “Christ” in Christmas against a PC world trying to destroy other people’s faith in their own bitterness, they too fight that same curse of tradition - like everyone else. What I find ‘funny’ (not really funny) is that Christ often rebelled against man’s traditions, explaining to them they lose the heart of their sacrifice in order to keep the observance, thereby invalidating their efforts. In the end, he was crucified because of tradition. It all goes back to Cain’s offering – it wasn’t the offering, but the heart in which the offering was given.

Don’t even get me started on the commercialism of the holiday. It’s really gotten to the ridiculous stage. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a giver. It’s in my nature to give. It’s something I desire to do for those I love, and even the occasional stranger. That will never stop. It’s just who I am. However, I detest being told to give, or being expected to give to people who don’t give a shit about me the other 364 days of the year because I happen to be related, in the same community group, belong to the same church, or work with them. It defeats the whole heart of the giving in the first place. But, with the sales that go on – it’s the best time to buy for those we love. The whole process has become so … hell, I can’t even think of a good enough word to describe it. It sucks the life and joy out of the act… and the pressure it puts on people - abysmal. I have a feeling the commercialism destroys more relationships than it ever helps.

The holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s) were the most fun when my kids were younger. Doing things to see their eyes light up on their faces, watching their joy and excitement as they dress up, pig out, and with sleepy eyes open their presents, and watch the fireworks explode in the night were the best times. It wasn’t about the stuff, or the tradition, it was about the connection.

All I want for Christmas this year is connections. This has been a tough couple of years – lots of changes, lots of adjustments, lots of fear. Walking away from all my security and everything ‘normal’ I’ve known, facing uncertainty every day, and then standing face to face with death - kind of changes a girl’s perspective. I want those simple beautiful moments that make this life worth living – a phone call from a friend to talk to me when I’m having trouble sleeping, a link to a song that touches my heart and reminds me of beautiful things, just hanging out while wrapped in pair of friendly arms so I don’t feel so alone, a friend showing up to spend the day with me killing aliens and talking about nothing important, a silly text from one of my kids, a Skype session with my bestie talking bullshit, or getting annihilated in a game of Words with Friends. These are the things I crave most. I don’t want the world or anything in it. I just want to love my friends and family, and be loved in return.

Someone recently told me they were sorry for not being able to give me what I wanted, to love me like I wanted, yet they never asked me what I wanted. They just assumed my expectations and made the decisions concerning our relationship for me. I had no say. I had no choice. I think they would have been surprised by my answer, but now they’ll never know. It turns out, it wasn’t the relationship they didn’t want that was lost – but the one they already had. It was something precious and beautiful, though I doubt they’ve noticed it’s gone. It’s not their fault – I’m simply unlovable. If I could give them a gift – it would be happiness. But I know I’m not the one who can give it to them.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds. I have no more faith to wish for a tomorrow. All I can see is today. Yesterday means nothing, it’s gone, it can’t be changed, it can’t be re-lived, nor can it be revived. Today is all I have. Today I want love… nothing more, nothing less. If there is no tomorrow for me, know I loved today the best I could.

For those who believe - Christ gave his life for us because he loved us. I know that includes me, but knowing something and knowing something is two different things – and I know nothing.

Till next time,

~Clueless at Christmas

Cowards and Fools

You know, I have fears just like everyone else. Contrary to popular belief, I’m a human being and have emotions. There’s a lot of evil in this world, and I’ve unfortunately faced a panacea of it, and the result is I carry a constant wariness. I’ve learned how to build walls, place distance, and shield myself by saying no and gathering the courage to walk away. Yet, despite my shaking hands, I face most of my fears. I’m not afraid to fuck up, nor am I a coward to own up to my mistakes. So, I find it quite vexing to be surrounded by cowards – people who talk tough, puff out their chests, and project an image of strength. Yet when it comes times to act they run and shoot their arrows from the shadows, negating any sense of responsibility.

Right now I’m fighting the biggest battle of my life and it literally rips my heart in two when I see great men run away in cowardice… over stupid little shit that means nothing. A great man isn’t the one that can hit the hardest or kill the most. It’s the one that can do all those things, yet with the simplest touch of tenderness earn the devotion of his men.

Case in point.

I recently had the honor and privilege of meeting a man who is strong by all outward appearances, even physically he looks like he could tear your head off with relative ease. What attracted me to this man was his sense of authority. When he spoke, those around him listened and followed. He was a natural leader. I got to witness this leadership, not by his words only – but by example. He jumped into the trenches, wasn’t afraid or too haughty to so the menial things in order to help build his team. Oh, he was tough, and spoke tough, and was hot-headed like you wouldn’t believe. I watched him verbally incinerate people like a pit bull. That’s what I compared him with – a pit bull whose growl made all the other tough-talking men sound like puppies in comparison. I was impressed by this, not because of his domination, but because I saw his aggression as passion. Passionate people love deeply and hate magnanimously, but they at least feel. I got to see that compassionate side too… when he stuck around to help a wounded friend. I was colored impressed.

This man’s compassion was also evident in the way he spoke of his friends and allies. The love, pride, and admiration that he espoused stirred up my longing to be a part of it, carrying a hope that one day he’d speak of me with like compassion. I followed this alpha dog around the yard, so proud to be part of the pack, enjoying all the rough-housing, the playful yard fights, just happy being there… until one day he turned around and bit me. At first I thought it was a small nip of correction, but it wasn’t. He got a taste of blood and the next thing I know he’s got me in a throat clamp.

Up until that point, I could understand. I was a new bitch in the yard. I needed to be tested before I could be fully accepted. My presence stirred some of the Betas to become courageous, and because one dared to deny the alpha, he was rejected from the pack. That principal in and of itself, I could understand. But what shocked me is the display of cowardice that followed.

After the big yard fight, and my submission, all became quiet and the Alpha took his spot on his throne and the rest of us all went to our little corners to lick our wounds. Assured by the Alpha and all the Betas privately that all would be well as the sun set, that all was forgiven, that tomorrow was a new day, I woke with the golden light of dawn to an empty yard. The liars moved on in the middle of the night, in the shadows, slinking away like cowards as I slept. Yet, they were far from unified. As they reached the edge of the wilderness, they all scattered like the wind. All but the Alpha circled back to me alone in the yard, promising me that I was part of their pack, and that all would be well when tempers cooled. If not, that I had a place in whatever new pack they formed.

This once beautiful pack that I loved, admired, and was often jealous of their bond wasn’t as it had seemed. For a while I thought I had caused the fissure between them, and the guilt ate at me. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. When taking care of myself was the most important thing in the world, I instead worked tirelessly to try and breach the gap – urging all of them to return to the Alpha without me and make things right – because what they had was worth fighting for, it was one of the few beautiful things in this gray-colored world. But the Alpha disappeared into the forest, leaving the pack scattered.

I know now that the cracks were not created by me or my presence. They were already there and I just happened to be a catalyst that brought those hidden things to the surface. I still believe that there can be reconciliation, but not from the shadows. I’ve moved on and joined another pack, yet determined to remain independent at the same time. My hope is that these young pups return to their Alpha. Life is too short to have stupid shit like this destroy something so beautiful. If they could see themselves the way I saw them, they’d see it’s something worth fighting for.

I’m forced to face the possibility of death as I fight for my life. In this perspective some fights are futile, yet some are worth the pain. There’s enough shit in this world, don’t let this be another piece of it. The beauty of this pack was never about the game, but the brotherhood. Scores don’t mean shit, skill means nothing, and tournaments don’t compare… to the friendship, the love, the support of knowing someone’s got your back, someone’s there when you need them, someone gives a shit whether you’re dead or alive. Trust me – those are the important things in life, they’re what make life worth living. Cowards get hung up on the bullshit, because they’re too afraid to let someone get close. Getting close, means exposing yourself to the possibility of getting hurt. So, instead of putting that possibility on the line – they hide in cowardice – kick out, unfriend, ignore, and run away because that’s the easy thing to do.

I’m such a fool. I know I’ll die a fool and I’m okay with that. In my foolishness, I’ll still love the unlovable, even when they will never love me back. I’ll still love my introverted friends who don’t need me or want me. I’d rather be a fool than a coward, though I’m often both.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

The New Bachelorette: Dating After 40 - Get Back in the Game

After taking quite a bit of a hiatus, I believe it’s time I got back into the game… the game of dating in the twenty-first century after 40. This makes round three??? Hopefully it won’t be three strikes and I’m out, but to be honest …dating is exhausting.

I made some mistakes in the first two rounds that I’m hoping I’m more wise to avoid the same curve balls this time. I’m learning to weed out the players, and how to spot something genuine, something worth fighting for.

Why did I use the word fight? Because every relationship is going to have ups and downs, and if it’s worth anything, it’s going to require a fight to make it work. I can make pretty much any relationship work, and the differences doesn’t come down to the guys – but to me, at least that’s how I’m looking at it. How much will I have to change to make it work? How much of me do I have to sacrifice to make room for someone else in my life?

Before you roll your eyes at that last statement, let me explain.

I’ve been alone for a while now. I needed this time. Though it’s often hurt, and has been extremely lonely, it’s forced me to take care of myself, to put me first, to give me the time to experiment, analyze, experience, and determine who I am, what I want, what I like, and what makes me happy. I love the woman I’ve become. I love all the new experiences I’ve jumped into and the obstacles I’ve leaped over. I regret none of them. I’ve faced death and learned to live. I’ve faced rejection and continued to love. I’ve had my heart broken, but realized it still beats – even battered and bruised. I’ve felt the earth shift beneath my feet and know what lightning feels like. If I felt it once, I can feel it again.

I’ve also learned a few things from my two earlier strikes… I’ve learned not to hold back saying what I feel, no matter the consequences. I’m not ashamed of my feelings, it’s who I am, it’s how I feel. I’ve tried to play the games, but I’m just not a player. It’s backfired. Every time I held back what I felt, not wanting to risk disrupting the relationship, I’ve watched what I wanted slip through my fingers like trying to hold onto water. By the time I found the courage to speak my heart, it was too late and they’d moved on to someone else.

I’ve learned to go slow. I really enjoy those early moments, the messages, the butterflies, the excitement of seeing each other, the flirtations, the getting-to-know you long talks, because those are beautiful moments. I wish they could last forever. For me, those are my most cherished memories – the funny, playful, innocent moments. My fondest memory is watching someone play a video game.

I’ve learned to walk away. I will never again be where I’m not wanted. I lived too long that way and for me it’s a deal breaker, no matter how much it hurts to leave. I will never chase what doesn’t want to be found. I’m devoted in everything I do, and to those I care about. I love my friends and their lives, their problems, their joys, their loves, their wants, their hopes, their dreams … all of it is important to me. I try to be their cheerleader and let them know and feel how much I love them. To someone I enter into a relationship with, I’d be even more devoted, supportive, a cheerleader, an advocate, a coach, a lover, every aspect of their life would be important to me and I’d protect it, do what I could to enrich it, and love them with all the love I possess – in honesty and faithfulness. But, the moment I feel I’m not wanted (I’m not talking about being mad at me – because I guarantee I’ll make you mad.. probably on a daily basis because I’m passionate and have an opinion – but I love a good verbal sparring – it releases endorphins), no matter how much it hurts and rips my heart out, if I’m not wanted, I will walk away.

If I knew, without doubt, that someone I loved truly loved me – wanted me – desired me in their life – that’s going to be one lucky son-of-a-bitch. I don’t NEED anyone. I’ve learned to take care of myself, fulfill my own needs, and to love myself. The person I let into my life won’t be because I need them or need anything from them, but simply because I WANT them, that I choose them, and I’d let them know by word and deed every day how much they’re wanted, they’re loved, they’re desired.

Well, it’s time to get back into the game. I’ve got the bat in hand. Let the dating begin.

Till next time,

~Bachelorette on Deck

No Beauty in Indifference

I clearly remember the day when after years and years of running, I finally stopped, turned around, and faced the God I feared, the God I hated, the God I loved but was certain hated me. I was 24 years old and had already lived and survived three lifetimes, I knew hell, and hell knew me.


I remember the moment I put my nose to the carpet of a little country church, warm tears dripping from the tip, darkening the fibers as they fell. I sincerely prayed for the first time since I was a little girl. I didn’t ask for blessings, or prosperity, or health, or love, or proof of existence, or even a miracle. With every fiber of my being, I asked God to open my eyes and ears, so that I could see something different in humanity. All I could see was the ugliness. All I knew was how to survive monsters, to look for the danger in their words and actions, to assess my risk, to read the body language of liars, crooks, thieves, and predators. I needed to believe in goodness, gentleness, kindness, trust, and love. I needed to see the good potential in people, to be able to see God.


There wasn’t a flash of light or the sound of a trumpet call, but somehow over the years I began to see and hear differently. I still saw the ugliness, the risk, the danger, the lies… but I also saw the potential for goodness, the motive between the lines, love colored with hope and sewn with faith. I begin to love humanity even as we writhed in the midst of our ugliness.


What breaks my heart is how cruel we are to one another. Cruelty doesn’t always come from monsters. The greatest cruelty I’ve ever experienced didn’t come from the hand of a violent predator, but the gentle hand of indifference. To not care, to not feel, to not fear, to not love is a great cruelty. It’s just as cruel as being overbearing in narrow-minded views, excluding those who may think differently or outside their boxed ideas – this includes all religious, political or social mediums. The way humanity treats each other is both great and tragic. I see and hear the good and the bad, love and hate, and the cruelest of them all is indifference. There is no beauty in indifference.


Love me or hate me, but at least feel something. The cruelest act I’ve ever experienced is to simply be forgotten. I seem to be easily forgotten, dismissed, passed over as if I don’t exist. God tells us to love one another. That doesn’t mean overlook our ugliness and blindly cling to false truth and allowing the people we love to continually abuse us – but to see both our sins and our goodness, to see the truth and the lies, and then in the face of that truth choose to love, choose to hope, choose to see the potential for greatness. Forgive. Not forget… never forget, and sometimes walk away if needed, but forgive.


The thing I love most about my friends are not what they do, or what they have done, but what I know they’re capable of doing and becoming, and their capacity to love. We all have sins, failures, attitudes, hurts, triggers, scars, and walls. ALL of us. None are perfect or perfectly good. But with love – all things are possible. That is why I choose to love, to hope, to believe what my natural eyes can’t see or my ears can’t hear. It’s why I still hope when people push me away or put up their walls to block me out, and continue to love them even when they stop loving me. Yes, I walk away, but that doesn’t mean I stopped seeing them for the beautiful creatures, the beautiful, complex, deeply layered human beings that they are comprised.


My faith in God has been shaken, especially these last few years, and especially facing mortality. While I can’t always see and hear who, what, where, when and why… I am still that same young woman with her nose pressed in the carpet and opening her heart to her god, wanting something real, something more and bigger than what she was capable of doing on her own.


So, yes… I’m peculiar, strange, different. I’m a sinner like anyone else. God granted me my prayer. I can see and hear beyond the image, the masks of flesh we project and think protects us, covers our sins, hides our vulnerabilities, and colors our beauty. It was so much easier to hate humanity. Loving them is the hardest of all. Loving them when they don’t love me back is downright cruel. I wish I could close my eyes and cover my ears and go back into the darkness. Instead, Beautiful… these tears now fall for you. I wish you could see what I see and hear what I hear and know… what a beautiful soul you truly are. My last hope is that my god sees me in like manner.


Till next time,


~T.L. Gray