You
know, I really wish I had everything figured out, I knew the answers to all my
problems, the direct path to fulfill my dreams, the key to finding and keeping
love, and which door truly leads to peace and happiness. Come on now, I can hear many of those
automatic responses popping into your head as you read this blog post, because
you do the same thing. But, every day I’m learning more and more I
don’t even know the questions, much less the answers. I convince myself, almost on a daily basis,
of what is the right thing for me to do. But at the end of each day, I feel like I’m
keeping a journal of all the wrong things to avoid, having experienced them
first hand. So, here I am once again soul-searching on a Tuesday morning. Once
again, I’m totally lost.
Knowing
I can’t trust my emotions and decision-making process, I turn to a few varied
sources; people I trust and admire and books that stretch my understanding and test
my faith. I’ve chosen four inspirations this
morning. Let’s just hope I can make some
kind of sense out of all this turmoil. I’m
so tired of being lost and afraid. I’m
exhausted, frustrated, and just spent.
Please let me find an answer, or at least something to hold onto with a
tendril of assurance.
I’m
a woman of faith. You can’t tell it by most
of the decisions I’ve made in my life recently, not if you’re looking on the
outside. But it’s by my faith, and
through my love and relationship with my
God that I first learned to love myself.
In loving me, I’ve made some bold moves to find me. Unless you’re on the same journey as me, my actions
seem detriment to most faiths. Everyone
has an idea of what a faithful servant looks like, but I’m finding most people
don’t look past an image, behind a mask, beneath the flesh, and right into the
heart. We lie to ourselves, expecting
our blind obedience to bring a life of prosperity and easiness, yet that’s
never been the promise. I find myself
constantly saying, “I’ll be happy when…”
NO! I must be happy right in the
middle of my chaos. If I let
hardship, fear, loneliness or anxiety steal my joy, take away my faith, I’ve
already lost. If I can’t smile, even as
these tears streak down my face and I shake with fear, then what’s the
point?
Ecclesiastes
12:1 – “Remember now your Creator in the days
of your youth, before the difficult days come, and the years draw near when you
say, ‘I have no pleasure in them’; while the sun and the light, the moon and
the stars, are not darkened, and the clouds do not return after the rain…” We’re not taught in Sunday school such
days lay ahead for us, not for the faithful and the obedient. No, for us awaits rainbows and sunshine. I have come to know these dark times
intimately, I’ve known them most of my life, yet I still hope and believe. Keep in mind, I did tell you at the beginning
of this post I don't know the answers.
My
next source of soul-searching comes from a book that was given to me on my
birthday by a dear friend called, “Finding
Your Own North Star” by Martha Beck.
I’ve been studying the chapter titled The Disconnected Self. Ms. Beck explains there are two halves to
each of us (our essential self and our social self), and having balance of
these two halves is detriment to us discovering our own North Star, our true
purpose in life, our life design, our fulfilling existence. I immediately recognized my own imbalance,
well really I’ve been aware of it long before being given this book, but Ms.
Beck helps me identify just how and why I’m unbalanced. I’m a results-driven
person.
My
value has always been wrapped up in my performance and productivity. It’s been rewarded and punished, given and
taken based on my achievements and accomplishments. I could always answer… “I’m loved,
appreciated and wanted because …”, and then fill in the blank. Not loved, appreciated and wanted just as I am;
strengths and weaknesses, accomplishments and failures, etc. There’s always an excuse why - “I’m just not attracted, it’s just not the
right time, if things were different, if I wasn’t, if you weren’t …” My father used to tell me, “There’s something
about you that brings out the best and worst in me. I hate how you make me feel. If you do this to everyone else, no one will
ever love you all the way, because you make them see themselves for who they
are, and nobody likes who they really are.”
His words have always haunted me, made me feel responsible for being a
disappointment to everyone, always setting impossible standards no one can
fulfill, not even myself.
“Today,
the Melvins (results-driven) of the world are being downsized out of the very
careers for which they sacrificed their essential selves.” ~Martha Beck, Finding Your Own North Star. I remember the years of busting tables,
wiping asses, living paycheck to paycheck, and climbing the ladder with doing
whatever it took to succeed - late nights, overtime, two jobs, and endless sacrifices
for family and friends, fighting for the days when all the struggle would pay
off - …after the degree …after the first paycheck …after the next raise …after
the mortgage is paid off …after the kids are grown. Guess, what? After never came. I sacrificed so many moments in pursuit of
achievements I thought I had to have to be loved, wanted, needed and desired. Here I am now with nothing and alone, all
those things I sacrificed for, all those people I tried to please… where are
they? The true treasure I lost was me. I
chose me, and all those things (money, career, prestige, success, relationships)
disappeared. I have to start over, but
this time will be different. This time
is for me.
My
last two inspirations come from two very special men who have come into my life
this past year. The admiration and
respect I have for them is so abundant it’s overwhelming really. Because the things I truly admire about them
aren't anything tangible, but in how they show the world to me through their
words, their writing, their friendships, and their gifts. It’s like our souls connected on a higher
plane. Well, their souls connected. I still feel sometimes like an observer, not really
worthy to be in their company.
I
read an article this morning titled “Bruce Lee’s Grave”
by Jeff Suwak. The story is about a man
who wanted to visit the grave site of his hero, Bruce Lee, and give him a quick
prayer of thanks for being an inspiration in his life. Instead of finding what he expected, his
journey through a graveyard brought him face to face with a fundamental truth
about himself and the reason for his visit.
The way this writer sees the world blows me away on many levels. He’s not without flawed views, as the rest of
us, but he’s one of the most honest I’ve ever met. It’s such a breath of fresh air to see that
in this day and age. With the advances
in our technology and communication devices, we as a people learn to hide
behind more clever and permanent masks.
We used to only wear temporary ones when forced to be in public. Now that the world has been brought into our
homes and every aspect of our lives, we wear continual masks that become so
comfortable we forget about them. Here’s
a writer who refuses to wear a mask.
The
other inspiration comes from a brilliant man, Christian Fennell, who questions
the system, fights against the social norms and dares to dance outside the
lines of conformity. I admire him on so
many levels. He’s a devoted and loving
husband and father to his family and a mighty warrior in the literary world for
his passion. He refuses to be put in a box.
He has a set of short stories that he collects under the heading “On My Way to Sunday”. I asked him this morning what that byline
meant to him and he answered, “I love Sundays.
They will always be associated with fishing and hanging out with family,
big dinners, etc. I write every morning,
but Sunday, ‘cause I’m fishing. So it
means I write all those damned stories On My Way to Sunday.” It seems Mr. Fennell has learned to balance
his essential and social self. He has
not forgotten the world is in chaos, but has apparently found his peace in the
middle of it. He doesn’t wear the masks
of conformity, but keeps an eye on what’s truly important. I have no doubt he will one day make it to
his ultimate Sunday. Through these four inspirations,
I hope I can do the same.
Till next time,
~T.L. Gray
