Are You Happy?

What is happiness? Is it a feeling, a state of being, a chemical release of dopamine in the brain? Meeting a lot of new people recently from jumping back into the dating pool, I have to have some kind of idea of who I am, what I want, what I like, what I don’t like. Just as much as I’m getting an idea of who they are, I’m also getting a sense of who I am and what makes me happy. It’s exciting, but at the same time exhausting. This time around it’s a little different. I don’t know if maybe I’ve been hurt too much, but I’m more emotionally detached. A good thing about that, is that I’m not lost behind feelings and can see things from a clearer perspective.

We all have different ideas of happiness, just as we have different ideas of love. The definition and meaning is just as individual to us as our DNA. We may have similar patterns, options, likes, beliefs, etc.. as our neighbor, but we are individually minded and one person’s happiness is not the same as another’s.

So, I can’t define happiness on the whole, not something that will encapsulate every one of us. I can only define what happiness means to me. Well, I can try, anyway. Happiness for me is about as elusive as love. I’m not even sure I could recognize it. Most often I don’t know it occurs until I’m in a moment of despair and think on a better time, to realize I had been happy. Well, here goes.

Simple moments make me happy. Grand gestures make me feel uncomfortable and puts me on guard and has me questioning motives. I don’t want the world. I can’t think of anything in this world that I want that I couldn’t get for myself or in receiving would or could make me happy. Things don’t make me happy. I’ve had things, I’ve lost things, I’ve left things… and none of them ever made me happy. Sure, some of them brought on a moment of happiness, but they’re just things. Usually it wasn’t the thing itself, but the circumstances around those things that stoked the happiness into flame. All the things I can think that would make me happy are intangible.

A kiss, a whispered secret, a song, a touch, holding hands, making love, sharing dreams, tangled legs, laughter, delicious food, being in nature, pondering the universe, chasing waterfalls, reading a great adventure, sharing something I wrote, having someone share their heart, their gift, their dreams with me, staring into a set of beautiful eyes. Not one of those moments involve what this world seems to crave – things, money, sex, fame, or success.

There are a few moments that I can close my eyes that I know will stay with me forever, that I consider the happiest moments of my life:

· My son, at two, putting his little hands on the sides of my face and looking right at me and saying, “I love you, Mama, and nobody else.”

· Standing on the curb at a busy airport, so nervous I wanted throw up, my hands shaking, my heart pounding, my legs weak, and meeting a pair of hazel eyes and a beautiful smile.

· Standing next to a car, being held tightly, as a strong hand lightly ran their fingers over my hair.

· Falling asleep with my head on a warm chest while watching t.v, listening to a strong, steady heartbeat, feeling completely safe for one of the few times in my life.

· Staying up all night, staring at the stars, talking on the phone about dreams.

· Sitting in a little restaurant, feeling overwhelmed, lost, and scared, to look up and see love smiling down at me in an Army uniform. I think I’ve been looking for that particular gaze ever since, fearing I will only see it once in my lifetime.

· Lying in bed with my three kids in the early morning hours before school, telling stories. I can still feel them sometimes. And in that place between sleep and awake, I can still hear them running and laughing down the halls.

So, what is happiness? Love. All the moments that I’ve been happy in my life involve moments of love. Either me loving, or being loved. The things that make me happy lately are playing video games with my son, sharing favorite songs with a friend, Skyping with my best friend, playing my guitar, hiking, writing on my novel, exercise, and cooking.

I cling tightly to my memories. They’re what gets me through the day. I have to take my days one at time. Facing uncertainty, knowing I could die tomorrow, makes me appreciate those moments even more. Going months without even the briefest of human touch, or even an emotional connection, makes it really hard not to slip into depression, but I refuse. Even if the world never loves me back, I won’t give up. Love for myself will just have to be enough, because only in love will I find my happiness.

Till next time,



Happy Girl

In the Depth of Winter

Being stuck at home with the roads iced over and just my thoughts for company, the snow and quiet gave me plenty of time to think.  For someone like me, someone who over-thinks everything, that’s not necessarily a good thing.  However, I’m so intrigued with the universe it’s caused me to enjoy my isolation. 

This morning amid the rush of conducting interviews, setting up photo shoots, finishing up my latest review project, writing my articles in a mad dash to meet tomorrow’s deadlines, and laughing at the silliness of my friends on Facebook, I caught a moment of reflection.  As I stood by the French doors, sipping on a cup of hot cocoa and watching the birds play in the snow, I meditated on a quote by philosopher Albert Camus. 

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”

Within us all abides everything we need to navigate this life.  Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star delicately states it as, “Explorers depend on the North Star when there are no other landmarks in sight.  The same relationship exists between you and your right life, the ultimate realization of your potential for happiness.  I believe that the knowledge of that perfect life sits inside you just as the North Star sits in its unfaltering spot.”

I understand going through winter, and I’m not talking about cold temperatures and snow, but a season in life where everything is in hibernation, cold, hidden.  This has me pondering what Camus meant by an invincible summer. Invincible means incapable of being conquered, subdued, or defeated; insuperable, insurmountable.  I’ve learned recently, having been afraid concerning the defeat of my soul, I’m stronger than I thought and haven’t faltered.  I still breathe. I still live.  I still hope.  I still believe in better days and finding success in life and love; shining beneath the summer sun.

To me, summer is happiness, joy and freedom.  So, according to Camus and Beck, I have everything within me, no matter what season I’m going through, to possess an invincible summer.  I believe it.  As I stare at the snow, I don’t see cold and wet, but beauty and wonder.

The same is true for everyone …we all possess the same potential.  So, even as we brave the snow and ice …let our inner light shine.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Love For Sale

Lately, I’ve watched this world continue to spin with and without my consent to do so, and left me often feeling insignificant, powerless, yet a part of it all just the same.  What does it mean?

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve watched consumerism lead the hordes into merriment and indulgences, as people attempted to buy each other’s affections. I remember my own marches, my own quests into that vain ritual. I understood it and didn’t view it as an evil thing.  I wasn’t jealous or angry at its practice going on around me, because if I had the means I would have more than likely been a happy participant of the madness.  But situations in life have forced me to the side lines and put me in a position to see a different aspect of things.

Over the years, I’ve worked so damned hard to fit in, but continued to find I’m a squared peg trying to fit in a round hole.  But, aren’t we all?  My whole life, everything I thought I believed, everything I worked hard to gain, everything I held dear, trusted or expected has been shaken.  I’ve been tested and found wanting.

On Christmas day, I watched the movie the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, and oh how it stirred those smoldering embers within me. I watched my journey on the screen in front of me – as I watched Walter transform from the state of existing to really living. 

The most poignant scene for me was the one with the helicopter.  As it was about to take off, Walter found himself too afraid to move; indecisive.  For me, his fear wasn’t about the pilot being drunk or the approaching storm, but of letting go of all the things that made him safe, all the responsibility that weighed him down and put him onto the spinning wheel, going and going and going but never getting anywhere.  He gave up who he was to be what was needed, and in the process lost his identity, his dreams.  Here he was at 43 in a strange place, staring danger in the face, yet too afraid until the woman of his dreams, his imagination, showed up in his imagination and started playing him a tune on the guitar– encouraging him to take the jump, to leap into his life despite the danger - to live or die trying.

I almost couldn’t hold back the tears, because this is where I’m at in my life.  The leap for me wasn’t leaving my marriage, moving into a strange place and finding myself alone.  It was discovering that it was okay to be that way, to not be needed, to not have to put my life on hold anymore to take care of someone else.  I’ve always took care of others - my handicapped parents, my brothers, my children, my husband, my church, my job, my community – but I failed to take care of me. 

I learned that all that care I gave to others never guaranteed love and care in return for me. Looking around me and seeing the absence proves to me that you can give, and give, and give… and not receive.  Much like how we rush out to buy those gifts to make those important to us happy, to show them how much we love them, but in reality we’re trying to ‘buy’ their love and appreciation for us, in exchange for them to love us in return.  We don’t think we attach those sentiments to our gifts, but we do, and we feel it when it’s not returned to us.  Love for sale.

This year, for the first time, because I expected nothing in either what I gave or received, I became truly appreciative of not only what I received, but for what I gave, because I gave with no expectations. How do I know this? Because I was very surprised when I received the love and appreciation I’ve fought so hard to get all these years, in return.  These are the hardest gift for me to receive from anyone – love and appreciation. 

I didn’t give fancy gifts, I had none to give. I didn’t receive any fancy gifts, but what little I got came from the heart and was given FOR me, not to me.  They were simple things I enjoyed and brought me pleasure and laughter.  And those gifts, though invisible to the eye, came wrapped with love and appreciation.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Becoming Our Own Biggest Fan

Artists spend a great portion of their time creating their masterpieces, and then an even greater amount of time promoting and marketing them.  Like any relationship, the beginning of this process is filled with excitement and much zeal, but after a prolonged period of exposure, that enthusiasm begins to fade.

As artists, we need to make sure that the ‘love’ of our art doesn’t wane with the decrease of excitement, but solidifies to an even deeper degree.  The millionth time we meet a new fan, we must have the same degree of excitement for our work as we had with the first hundred. The only way this can happen successfully, is that we must become our own biggest fan.

One of the first things I learned in my college marketing class was: If we don’t believe in what we’re selling or promoting, neither will anyone else. If we’re not excited about our work, who else will be?  Not only does this excitement affect the way we market our products, but it greatly affects our stamina, determination and devotion. We must continually inspire ourselves in order to be an inspiration.

One of the basic laws of the human condition is: We want what everyone else wants.  A good marketing strategy is to create desire and demand.  The greatest tool to do just that is by becoming your own biggest fan.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray