Being Motivated

Being motivated doesn’t have much to do with how you feel.  You can ‘feel’ motivated, but that doesn’t mean you are actually motivated.  Encouragement is when you’re having an emotional reaction to some outside stimulus.  You’ve heard a good word, you watched someone else achieve something and you want it for yourself, you’ve been encouraged by friends, family, doctors, co-workers, lovers, etc.  That’s all great, we all need encouragement at times.  We sometimes need someone to get in our face and tell us some hard truths, or whisper in our ear and plant dreams and ideas of something better than our current situation or state of being.  But, motivation is not an emotion, it’s a state of being.  The dictionary states: the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way; the general desire or willingness of someone to do something. It doesn’t say you feel good or feel bad.  Feeling good and/or feeling bad will drive the motivation, but it’s not the motivation. Motivation is the reason for the decision – it’s the driving force behind our actions in spite of how we feel.  Those actions will either make us feel good or bad, but our feelings are not our motivation.

Being motivated - making a decision for whatever reason – is not contingent on how we feel.  We don’t act because we are motivated, we are motivated to act because of decisions we make.

Motivation is a choice.  Motivation must be decided, and enacted, and that is done through discipline.  I am not motivated to work out because of how I feel. I am motivated because the facts are - I must work out to maintain a healthy state of being for my body.  Sometimes I ‘feel’ like working out and conquering the world, and other times I “feel” like lying in bed, eating pizza and hamburgers and being fed bon-bon’s by a handsome king.  So, my feelings are not what motivates me to get up every morning at 4am and head to the gym to work out – my knowledge and understanding of what it takes to remain healthy and active motivates me.  Being able to physically do the things I love to do like kayaking, dancing, having sex, etc motivates me to get up when I’m tired, when my body hurts, when it’s cold, when it’s lonely, when I didn’t sleep well, when progress is slow, when it doesn’t seem like anyone else in the world cares.  I go through the motions anyway – despite my feelings – because my motivation to achieve what I want is greater than how I’m feeling in the moment. That takes discipline.  As Jocko Willink says, “If you stop looking for a short cut …and find your discipline and your will, then you will find your freedom. Discipline = freedom.” 

So, stop lying to yourself.  Stop whining about not being motivated because you’re feeling lazy.  You’re not motivated because you haven’t found your reason.  Stop waiting on how you feel and start looking for your reason, that reason that is going to push you forward on the days you want to retreat.  Start looking for that reason that will drag you on when you want to give up.  Start looking for that reason that will go beyond how you feel and hold onto it tightly. Put it in front of you every day.  Post it on your mirror, your fridge, your door, your office computer, your phone so you can see it every day – and let that TRUTH be your motivation.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Good - Get After It

You're probably going to see this a lot in the near future, because when I heard Jocko Willink give this little speech on his podcast on YouTube, it hit me - deep in my bones and it's burning it's way into the center of my soul.  I hear Jocko's voice, but I feel God's prodding. 



Listen to it. 

Listen to it again.

Listen to it every morning when you first wake up.

Listen to it with your heart and soul.

Listen to it with purpose.

Listen to it until you get it.

Then, when you get it ...listen to it some more.

This speaks to the Warrior in me.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Whatever It Takes

How many of us say this, and convince ourselves we believe it, but don’t do it?  Will I really do ‘whatever’ it takes?  How about when it gets hard? When no one else believes and supports me? When there’s no reward? No accolades? When it hurts? When it costs? When it requires me to give up someone or something else I love? When it doesn’t match my dreams or imagination?

Right now I’ve been doing this new workout program my boyfriend created for me. I suffer. It hurts me. It pushes me. I have to fight the fifty excuses screaming at me every morning, telling me to go back to bed, taunting me that it isn’t working, I’m wasting my time.  Yes, knowing I’m about to go suffer, I get up, put on my gym clothes, tie my hair in a ponytail, and then drive to the gym.  EVERY exercise hurts, and then the last of each set where I have to take myself to muscle failure – makes me want to throw up. But, I do WHATEVER it takes. I quit focusing on the pain I’m feeling and KNOW I’m going to feel throughout the day and then what I’m going to feel through the night and tomorrow, and focus on the next success.  

Do I love to suffer or feel pain? Hell NO!  But, what I do love more than the pain and suffering is being strong, healthy, and active.  I’m 48. My body is ready to start resting, slow down, take it easy – but I’m not.  I’ve got too many dreams, too many things I still have yet to do.

I got pissed off and frustrated the other day because I wasn’t strong enough to carry my kayak on my own.  I’m going to fix that problem, watch me. I’ll do whatever it takes. I haven’t figured it out yet, but I’m thinking about it. I love to kayak, I have a kayak, I have an SUV to carry my kayak, and I am not going to let being small and weak stop me from enjoying something I love to do. And I refuse to depend on someone else to do it.  Don’t get me wrong, if someone else is around, I’ll gladly and appreciatively use their help, but I’m not going to let the lack of help being available stop me.

I made a promise to myself a few years ago I wasn’t going to let the actions or inactions of others stop me anymore for doing what I want and love. I spent more than 20 years practically begging to go to the Grand Canyon. We had the means, time, and opportunity, but no one else wanted to go, so I allowed my dream to be put on the back burner with an empty promise of the next year – that never came.  So, I made a vow to myself to not let other’s stop me from doing what I want anymore. I still haven’t made it to the Grand Canyon, but believe me – It’s in the planning stage. As soon as I have vacation time – I’m going to see that big hole in the ground, even if I have to go alone. I’ll do WHATEVER IT TAKES. I’m going to find a way to load and unload my kayak ON MY OWN – whatever it takes.

In my writing – I do whatever it takes. Writing is hard, it takes devotion, time, patience, bleeding your soul onto the page …and if I want publication – more hard work, being “on” in order to market, promote, engage, sitting at hot festivals, sitting on panels with a bunch of snobbish people, wearing thick skin from the opinionated bad reviews or advice from everyone in or outside the business who thinks they can write your stuff better than you.  Dealing with people …sigh.  BUT, I LOVE writing, it’s as much a part of me as breathing so when I set my mind to a project – I’ll do whatever it takes to see it fly onto the page and then out into the universe. I’m not going to let those things or people stop me.

In work, in relationships, paying my bills, providing for myself, life in general … I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ve only got me. I have people in my life who care about me, but I, ALONE, am responsible for myself.  I’m an independent single woman. I don’t have a husband to share the burdens of this life. My kids are grown and they have themselves to care for, and it’s not their job to take care of me. I have no parents. So, I must do whatever it takes. So, watch me do just that.

Till next time

Never Quit Never Surrender

I’d love to say that I’ve never quit anything, succeeded at everything I’ve set my mind to accomplish, but that would be a lie. I have quit. I have ran away. I’ve turned my back on a dream, on people, and even on life at times. I know how to quit. But, I also know the cost of quitting and it’s a lot more than what have cost me to dig in and keep going. I’m not just talking about the good things I’ve quit, but the bad as well.  I’ve quit smoking, I’ve quit bad relationships, and I’ve quit bad eating and exercising habits. Those choices may have been for my good, but they are under the category of quit.

So, to say “Never Quit” is to set a false expectation, a false reality, because there are times I will need to quit, there are things I will need to quit in order to succeed, in order to move forward, in order to protect and thrive. But what do I replace it with, because the sentiment is the same for those things I do want to achieve, I do want to succeed, and I want to conquer, because in order to do so I have to have this ‘never quit’ attitude or else I fail when it gets hard. Anything of value is going to get hard, guaranteed. What is the true war cry, what is the true sentiment, what truth can I grab hold of with both hands to be my strength and my shield as I go through my challenge?

Perhaps, “Never Surrender” is the better sentiment.  To surrender, means to concede, yield, capitulate, give in or give up, to relinquish control, to cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.  

I have goals, dreams, and objectives to complete in this life – and they’re hard. My workout this morning is hard. My job is hard. Survival is hard. Trying to maintain a healthy balance of everything is hard.  Each of those goals and objectives has an opponent, an adversary, an enemy, and I must maintain control of my objective despite those difficulties. I cannot surrender or else I will lose everything I’ve worked for so far.

I made a meme this morning that hit my soul – that gave me that little extra boost to stay faithful and strong to my dreams. It says, “If you quit now …you’ll end up right back where you first began. And when you first began, you were desperate to be right where you are now.  See how far you’ve come? Keep going. Don’t Stop. Don’t Surrender. It’s in this moment, with this decision, that will determine if you fail or succeed …until the next moment when you must face the decision all over again.”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Move On

Anytime something happens in my life, usually something tragic or a loss of someone I love, or the dissolution of a relationship, people always tell me to move on.  Move on?  What does that really mean, because that could mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people?  I was thinking about that this morning – moving on.

I suppose all of my life I’ve been moving …on – because I keep moving. I am always moving – either forward or backward. I’m growing or shrinking. I’m learning or wallowing in ignorance.  Well, if you really think it about it, I am always headed toward death.  If I stop and give up – I am digressing and dying. If I stop eating, I will die of hunger.  As I move forward and keep aging, I am slowly moving toward death – so I am essentially dying there too.  BUT, the difference is HOW I move toward my death, which is GOING to come.  Next week, if I make it that long (Scott’s workout is torture) I will have moved forty-eight years closer to my death. Pretty sobering, huh?

I’m not being somber here, just real, facing the facts.  Fact is …I am going to die. In my fantasies I’d like to go out in a blaze of glory, being with someone I love, filled with a sense of peace knowing I really lived and loved, and got to experience the best this life had to offer. Our definition of best will probably splinter at this point – but the best in life for me has NOTHING to do with stuff or accomplishments.  It has to do with love and the journey taken to achieve those accomplishments. I just want to be loved, I just want to love the people in my life, and I want to pursue something that fuels my passions. THAT’s it. I can do that in a mansion or a trailer, with a million or a penny.  Don’t make a difference to me – as long as love and purpose are present.

Life is a diamond and shaped with billions of angles.  It’s filled with pain and pleasure. Some of it I’d like to forget, but I can’t. What I can do is not wallow, not dwell, not stay stuck in that chaos – but move on.  Learn from it. I can’t forget the tragic shit.  I don’t want to forget it, because it was the fire that forged the steel that runs through my soul.  Moving on to me is being able to see things in an honest view – all the ugly and beauty of a thing, of a moment, of an experience, of a person, or of a lesson.  EVERYTHING has light and dark, good and bad. I can’t just look at part of a thing and truly understand it. I have to have balance and see all the facets to truly appreciate it.  That to me is moving on – seeing it (no matter the chaos) in its truth, accepting it in its truth, and then learning something about myself from it. 

My life has had some hard truth and it’s been hard to move on.  But, I had to accept it and see it, and learn from it, to honor it and what it means to me. James’ death, my childhood, my divorce, losing relationships are all hard truths. NO relationship in this world is ONLY beauty. EVERY relationship has its weaknesses, its flaws, its ugly – because we are human, we are mortal, we are complex beings filled with both dark and light.  To truly appreciate a relationship, I have to look at it in balance and truth. Fantasy, the idea of what we think a relationship should look like, is the biggest destroyer; false expectations. What we think a person should look like, how they should respond or be, how we should feel, etc.  We make our lists, we set our expectations and then our human counterparts don’t (can’t) live up the fantasy we created in our minds and we get disappointed.  If we looked at people and relationships in balance, see the good and bad, the light and dark, and accept people for who THEY truly are, not who we hope or want them to be, then we will have more successful relationships.

I’m not perfect (shhhh… don’t say that out loud). I don’t always do the right thing. I don’t look like a porn star or supermodel. I don’t have the world to offer on a silver platter.  I don’t have all the wisdom of knowing everything. But, if you strip away all those vain, stupid, unimportant, shallow issues, and look deep at my soul – I think I’m fucking amazing. I love with my whole heart. I give all of me to everything I do. I learn from my mistakes. I own my choices.  I am loyal. I am faithful to myself and the people I love. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I’ve learned to learn. I’ve learned to move on – to move in life – to keep going forward, not forgetting, but keep moving. My tomorrow is not guaranteed.  I may not be here in the next minute, so I believe with my whole heart that I just have to live the best life I can live, and never take a day for granted, or a person for granted, or a passion for granted. Love me or don’t. I’m going to keep moving on till I have no more breath.

Pushing Through the Pain

I want to give up – EVERY DAY.  Not every once in a while, but every single day, sometimes even more than once a day.  Every time my back hurts, my legs hurt, my butt hurts, or my arms hurt, I want to nurse it, massage it, heal it, and make the pain go away.  But, I push through the pain because I want MORE what’s on the other side of the pain than just the release of it. There’s no magic pill.

I want to give up – EVERY DAY. Not every once in a while, but every single day, sometimes even more than once a day.  Every time my heart hurts, I feel unloved, unwanted, lonely, or forgotten, I want to feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and make the pain go away. But, I push through the pain because I want MORE of what’s on the other side of the pain than just the release of it. There’s no magic wand.

I want to give up – EVERY DAY.  Not every once in a while, but every single day, sometimes even more than once a day.  Every time I hear about another senseless death, injustice, abuse, and the evil of humanity, I want to save the world and make the pain go away.  But I push through the pain because I want MORE of what’s on the other side of the pain than just the release of it. There’s no magic wish.

Pain hurts.  It sucks.  I don’t enjoy pain, but I don’t fear it, I don’t let it paralyze me, and I don’t allow it to stop me. I’ve learned that the best things this life has to offer are most often found on the OTHER side of pain. It’s found in the healing, in the compassion, in the overcoming, in the accomplishment, in completing the task, in the rescue, in the mercy, in the victory, in the results, in the kiss, wrapped in the arms of love, in tangled legs, in silly giggles, in making a difference, in having a purpose, and in taking a stand. Have no regrets.

The things that make life worth living are ALWAYS on the other side of pain, so we have to push through it and NEVER GIVE UP.  We have to make that decision EVERY DAY.  Not every once in a while, but every single day, sometimes more than once a day …as many as it takes.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Moderation is for Cowards

I recently heard a quote that missed my head and hit me right in the soul that it’s taken me a few days to digest it.  It said, “Anything in life worth doing, is worth overdoing, moderation is for cowards.” I don’t know the author of this quote or even where I heard it, but it reminds me of another quote by Hunter S. Thompson, “Anything worth doing is worth doing well.” David Goggins recently inspired me with, “Choose to be uncommon amongst uncommon people.” But, I suppose my favorite comes from Philippians 4:8 – “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on these things.”

There’s something to be said about giving our all, our best effort and our energy into what we want to achieve in this life.  I have a spirit of excellence. I don’t know how to do anything half-assed. It’s not in my psychological makeup. Call me an A-type personality, OCD, or an over-thinker, none of those names matter – because what I feel it comes down to, in the base, in the foundation, in the root  of my very being …is that I’m not a coward.

I am afraid of a lot of things. I’m afraid of fear. I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of disappointment.  I’m afraid of judgement.  I’m afraid of not being enough, not good enough, or being too much. But Fear doesn’t rule me. Fear doesn’t control me. Fear sure as hell doesn’t stop me.  I believe everyone is afraid of rejection, judgement, and failure in emotional, psychological and physical aspects.  But, excellence and facing those life obstacles, standing up to fear …is what separates us, and moderation is for cowards.

Cowards lie to themselves and everyone else around them. They pretend life is some fucking fairy-tale as they smoke their peace pipes and stick their heads in the sands of modern philosophy. They’re excuse makers and moderate pussies. Albert Einstein once said, “The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.”

I believe hate is bad, and the way our world hates each other breaks my heart. But, hate is better than indifference. Indifference is the cruelest emotion.  Indifferences doesn’t care. Hate is at least filled with passion.  Those who are indifferent and don’t care – cause the most damage in the world.  Those who don’t feel it necessary, or are afraid to feel emotion, love, or passion, those who don’t give their best or approach everything in life with everything they have, who wants to do everything in moderation – are cowards, nothing more than a yellow-bellied sap-sucking woodpecker banging their beaks against the grain, causing a ruckus but changing nothing. A complete nuisance and waste of space.

I don’t have time or patience or respect for moderation cowards.  I don’t care what you do, but whatever it is – do it with excellence, overdo it, do it well, be uncommon and make it happen – or else get the fuck out of the way for the real heroes. Take a chance.  Make the jump. Fight the good fight.  Kiss the girl. Leave the hiding to the cowards, let them fight over the breadcrumbs life has to offer.  Not me – I am a warrior and I seek to surround myself with warriors who can’t accept moderation.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Heroes

he·ro

[ˈhirō]

1.      person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.

"a war hero"

·         the chief male character in a book, play, or movie, who is typically identified with good qualities, and with whom the reader is expected to sympathize.

synonyms:

·          (in mythology and folklore) a person of superhuman qualities and often semidivine origin, in particular one whose exploits were the subject of ancient Greek myths.

I’ve had the honor of meeting and knowing many heroes in my life. Not all of them served in the military. On the contrary, many of them were uncommon people trying to survive in an ordinary world and realizing they had to be better. 

I recently heard a phrase from former Navy SEAL and now Motivational Speaker David Goggins that hit me right in my soul. “You have to be uncommon amongst uncommon people.”  Meaning – that it wasn’t good enough just to be uncommon, to strive to be stronger, better, faster, smarter or more determined than the average “common” man in order to truly succeed.  No, you have to be even more uncommon than just uncommon.  You have to constantly strive to be better than your best – knowing your best is already better than the ordinary and the common. Never stop striving, never settle. 

What I took from what Goggins said was this - Once I succeeded at something – I kept going, kept striving, kept dreaming and kept moving to succeed at even more things in my life.  THAT’s the true mark of success.  It’s not the obtaining something that identifies success, but the process by which we reach our goals.  I’m not successful because I wrote a book and it hit a list. My true success was the journey, the dreaming, the writing, the editing, the submitting, the marketing, the path, the experiences, the failures, and the will to keep going after bad reviews and scores of rejections. It was believing in myself and not giving up.  It was …being uncommon amongst uncommon people.

I’ve recently started dating a man that inspires me because he’s got dreams, goals, aspirations, and a will of steel to make them happen.  He’s accomplished much in this world and in my eyes is a true hero. Not just because he served his country and put his life on the line for it for many years as a Navy SEAL, but because he didn’t stop dreaming, didn’t stop struggling, didn’t stop training, didn’t stop striving for success in life. He’s got a dream and he’s working hard to fulfill that dream. He set his mind as a child to become a Frogman, and then he fought for that dream until he made it happen.  He didn’t let life come in and deter his path.  He’s a fighter, and he’s always training for the next fight – literally and figuratively.  He doesn’t let his age stop him. He doesn’t let diabetes stop him. He doesn’t let other people stop him.  He is uncommon amongst uncommon people. I’m sometimes overwhelmed at how much I admire him for those things.

But heroes come in all different packages. 

·         A single-parent giving up their wants and desires in order to care and provide for their children is a hero in my eyes. 

·         A man or woman with the courage to stand up to and walk away from an emotional or physical abusive partner is a hero in my eyes.

·         A teacher that continues to hope, to teach, to strive to open minds despite statistics, economics, politics, disobedient and disrespectful students, and sorry-ass lazy parents are heroes in my eyes.

·         Those who volunteer and give their time, love, energy, and gifts to making the world a better place, caring for our earth, our animals and humanity are heroes in my eyes.

·         Those who seek to protect our children, our elderly, our veterans, and our mentally challenged or physically handicapped are heroes in my eyes.

There are many heroes amongst us, there are uncommon people amongst uncommon people if we just look hard enough. Yes, there are more common people (sheep) than uncommon, there are more predators (wolves) creating more victims than heroes, but there are a few uncommon warriors (sheepdogs) among us that protect us, that risk their lives, their livihood, their safety, and their peace for the world around them. I appreciate them. I adore them. I admire them. I strive to be one of them. I could never settle for being common.  I could never settle for being uncommon.  I desire to be uncommon amongst uncommon people. To be called crazy for chasing my goals and dreams. To be misunderstood and outcast for following my own path. For being myself and true to myself.

So, thank you James, thank you Goggins, thank you Rothfuss and Lawrence, and thank you Scott for inspiring me. You’re all my heroes.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Work Your Way Out

There are so many times I’ve been down, feeling beaten, uninspired, unproductive, and sometimes question my purpose and worth.  This is part of the human psyche and something everyone experiences.  Then, of course, there’s depression, which only magnifies those feelings exponentially. 

I believe most artists suffer from depression most severely because we are passionate, and just as much as we experience the beauty, magic, and wonder of life, we equally see the hardships, ugliness, and passionately feel the pain. 

We are individuals, unique in this universe.  Though we have common interests, experiences, and desires, there is no one else on this planet that has lived our lives as we have. In MY life, in my journey of climbing mountains, I spend just as much time navigating valleys.  For ME to find my way back up another mountain, I have to work myself out of whatever I’m struggling with, or I’ll become stagnant and slowly die on the inside. 

I have dreams, goals, and things I want to accomplish in this life, and those things do not just fall into my lap or happen on their own.  I have to fight for them.  Part of that fight includes working my way out of the slumps I find myself wallowing through.  When I can’t write and my mind won’t focus, and my motivation is almost non-existent, I buckle down and write anyway.  Yes, it is shit and stuff I’d never show anyone, but it gets me angry, gets me moving, gets my imagination going, and eventually gets me back to writing like I should be.  It is taking steps through the valley toward the mountain.  I can’t make it to the mountain without moving. I’m not going to float there and the mountain surely isn’t going to come to me.

When I’ve hit a plateau in my workout routine, I keep exercising.  In fact, I increase, change up my routine, try something new, but I work my way out of the slump. 

When I get tired of eating the same things day in and day out, I don’t revert back to the unhealthy foods that harmed my body and mind because I don’t see the desired results, I work my way out by discovering new foods, new tastes, new textures. 

So, if you find yourself in a gray place, neither black nor white, neither hot nor cold, and you want to get out – don’t retreat, don’t give up, don’t hide your head in the sand – work your way out!  Do the very thing that has you blocked.  At least give it a try.  It might not work for you like it works for me. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

This blog post has me thinking about a song by Lucy Spraggan called “Mountains”. For my friends and those I love who find themselves down... this is what I would say to them: 

“I know what you’re scared of - I used to feel it too. You’re not scared of climbing mountains - you’re scared that you can’t make them move. I would move them for you.” 

http://youtu.be/fuYuuF_JyKM

Being a Fool and Chasing Foolish Pursuits

I've been so busy setting new goals, kicking a lot of things I've set aside for the past year back into gear, and focusing on the tasks set in front of me that I've forgotten the main purpose that brought me to this point in my life. It's hard to keep that particular goal in the forefront, because it's not the goals the world considers important or crucial for success. 

Success is measured by the collection of things, by education and knowledge, by the achievement of status, by the acceptable recognition of things like hard work and sacrifice.  I know ...I've lived my life in pursuit of such success - the education, the career, the status, the collection of things.  I'm one of the hardest working people I know, operate with a spirit of excellence in everything I do, and have exceeded every goal I've ever set out to complete or accomplish.  And the world has loved me for it and showered me with all the praise it could afford.

Yet NONE of it satisfied me, my soul, or my heart. 

I sacrificed so much of my life in the pursuit of these 'things'.  I put "me" on hold as the last priority as I pursued them.  Where has it led me? I have an excellent education, I gained lots of material possessions, I climbed the corporate ladder, I raised my children, I built a great nest egg, I planned for my future, towed the line, walked the straight and narrow, gave as much as I gained, done my civic duty, became what was needed to make those around me proud and happy ...for what, …in pursuit of what?

Here I am once again, receiving the accolades for my hard work, my accomplishments, my successes, my drive, my determination (my weight loss, marketing, editing, support, friendship, job) ...but what of me?  What of the woman?  Once again professional, financial and successful opportunities present themselves - and I know (because I've been there so many times before) they will require sacrifice to obtain and maintain.  But what no one asks, no one considers, no one understands ...is the true sacrifice it will require - me.

I'm 42.  What has all my sacrifice in the past gained me? 

The last couple of years I took a chance, and for a moment thought about me and dared to dream, to see, to hope, and to desire the kind of woman I wanted to be - a woman happy, loved, wanted, and desired, living a life in pursuit of her passions, simply being loved, being the bright spot in someone's life by just being me, not for what I could do.  I fooled myself into believing I deserved to be that woman, there was someone out there waiting to love me, and that love and passion were the successes in life worth sacrificing for - and so I sacrificed.  I walked away from a 20-year (safe, passionless) marriage, from material possessions, from financial security, from a hard fought career, from the American dream, from nest eggs and a middle-class lifestyle.  WHY?   - For the chance to achieve the dream.

Here I am.  I look around me and feel I have failed ....ME.  I'm once again offered the kind of success that I've known all my life - a great career opportunity, financial security, the means to gain back some of those material possessions I left behind, an easement of my hardships.  I know what sacrifice they will require.  But what of my dream?  What of my passions?  I reached for them - but somehow they've slipped through my fingers. I touched them, tasted them, but for only a brief moment.  I help others reach for their dreams while my own remain stagnant.  I encourage others to take a chance on love, yet I go to sleep alone every night.  Will I only be loved for what I do, what I accomplish - not simply for who I am?  Will I never be someone's bright spot - the love of their life?

What do I choose?  I don't want to just exist. I want to live my life to the fullest.  I want to find success in happiness, in love, in passion, in health, and in adventure.  I don't want the prison of worldly success, because I know this time ...it will require my life; I will die.  I must be the biggest fool in the world to want these things, to believe I deserve them. It must be true, because I look around me and I'm the ONLY person I know who has actually put their whole life on the line to find them. All around me people talk of taking the risks, and make some minor attempts and vain efforts, but they don't jump.  They only take chances from within their secure lives - but turn away when it comes time to actually pay the sacrifice – the possibility of losing everything.  They love the idea of the jump, but still stand on the precipice, often turning away from their dreams and settle for the practical. That hurts my heart to so much to see it. I'm the only fool who jumped, and I landed flat on my face.

No one praises me for being a fool. My choices are: 1. Lay here and die. 2. Get up and continue in my madness.  3. Turn back toward the worldly mountain of success, knowing the climb will kill me, and that I'd never have the courage to jump again. I've been told all my life that if I work hard NOW, I can enjoy the fruits of my labors LATER.  Later never comes. 

I choose to remain a fool, being a fool, and chasing foolish pursuits. Though I see no fruit, no evidence, and no proof -  I still believe in love. I still believe in passion. I still believe in me as a writer, and that it's what I'm meant to do. Someday I will be loved, wanted, and desired, be someone's bright spot, the love of someone's life.  Someday my written words will inspire, move, and motivate someone else - and touch their soul, maybe even save a life – even if it’s just my own.  Yes, I know it makes no 'common' sense.  I know it defies logic and is contrary to the world's meaning of success.  I know it only makes my life more difficult, keeps me scared, broke, often hungry, and mostly alone.  I'm an artist, and I'm alive.  I'm living for me.  I so appreciate my friends who have stood beside me.  I'm proud of this fool - whether the world agrees or not.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Someday - The Next Big Thing

I can’t but help move around in my desk chair to the beat of the song by the Rags cast, featuring Max Schneider, called “Someday”.   I really want to get up and dance, but more than the need to move to the groove with my hips, shoulders and feet, it’s the message of the song that really stirs something inside my heart.  This is the song my soul cries out … and I’m listening.  

Are you?

 "Someday"

I follow my dreams
You'd think they were nightmares the way they scream
I'll make them believe (whoa)
Someday, someday I'm gonna be the next big thing

I never doubt my dreams always live em out
Ima tell the world
They gotta hear me out
Just give me one mic
So I can scream it loud
And I just need someone that I can make proud
Cause I can't wait for that someday
And that someday it is coming
I wanna share my life with someone who loves me just for me

Hey Hey

I wanna wish up to the stars i can
I wanna see the lights in the crowd in the stands
See myself there like a dream in the past
And everything I want Ima get it at last Okay
And I know that there's no limit
We're pursuing all our dreams and
We gon' make it
And tell the world that the best is yet to come
Can you hear me? Oh

I follow my dreams
You'd think they were nightmares the way they scream
I'll make them believe (whoa)
Someday, someday I'm gonna be the next big thing

Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Someday, someday I'm gonna be the next big thing

Now that I'm older I think about it
I was really having fun, too cool about it
I guess mom was predicting the future
She knew that one day I was gonna move ya Okay, Okay
But now I see everything a little different
The world looks bigger and the sky is the limit
I'm always looking out for myself and family
They gonna be surprised shoutin' out ooo-eee

I got it everything my mama wanted from me
I got it anybody come and take it from me
I got it cause it's all us
I'm so close I can dream about it
I can feel I got it (music) I'm all about it
I'm here to make a change Ima be about it
I didn't come this far to stop now
And I can't rest until I get my dreams out the clouds

I follow my dreams
You'd think they were nightmares the way they scream
I'll make them believe (whoa)
Someday, someday I'm gonna be the next big thing

Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Someday, someday I'm gonna be the next big thing

One day I'm gonna be king of the palace
When I reign there'll be no imbalance
(everything will be okay)
Every single day, all day
You can follow me,
If you wanna go,
Ima take the lead
I got the star roll,
Twinkle in the night
Like the star goes
When you see us you know the next big thing!

Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Becoming Our Own Biggest Fan

Artists spend a great portion of their time creating their masterpieces, and then an even greater amount of time promoting and marketing them.  Like any relationship, the beginning of this process is filled with excitement and much zeal, but after a prolonged period of exposure, that enthusiasm begins to fade.

As artists, we need to make sure that the ‘love’ of our art doesn’t wane with the decrease of excitement, but solidifies to an even deeper degree.  The millionth time we meet a new fan, we must have the same degree of excitement for our work as we had with the first hundred. The only way this can happen successfully, is that we must become our own biggest fan.

One of the first things I learned in my college marketing class was: If we don’t believe in what we’re selling or promoting, neither will anyone else. If we’re not excited about our work, who else will be?  Not only does this excitement affect the way we market our products, but it greatly affects our stamina, determination and devotion. We must continually inspire ourselves in order to be an inspiration.

One of the basic laws of the human condition is: We want what everyone else wants.  A good marketing strategy is to create desire and demand.  The greatest tool to do just that is by becoming your own biggest fan.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray