Good Morning, World - 04-30-2014 - The Aftermath

Good Morning, World - 04-29-2014 - Whispering Wind

Good Morning, World - 04-28-2014 - Masters of the Universe

Good Morning, World - 04-27-2014 - Rising Phoenix

Good Morning, World - 04-23-2014 - Say Something

Lately, I’ve had a few conversations with some of my closest friends about the subject of not being guaranteed a tomorrow. It creates a need to be appreciative and a desire to express love while there’s still time.

My heart overflows with love and admiration to those who own a piece of it. They’re precious to me. I can’t describe the depth of my love for them, because it’s bigger than me, more beautiful than any word I know. They are a bright spot in a dark world, a warm beam of sunlight in a field of ice.

I am rich because I possess the greatest treasure this world has to offer – I am loved, and am able to love in return. This world is hard and angry. I taste its bitter tang every day. I see its vicious negativity as it tries to pull me down into its depth and snuff out my bright spots. The toxicity of negativity, pain, and victimhood is detriment to my joy and happiness and I choose to push that negativity away from me like a deadly disease.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Good Morning, World - 04-22-2014 - Sense of Humor

Good Morning, World - 04-21-2014 - The Unexpected

If You Can Fly - Come Find Me

Not all changes happen on the outside.  The best ones, the ones that have the most impact, often happen on the inside.  I’ve always heard the phrase that if you want to make a change on the outside, you have to first make a change on the inside, or it’s not really a change at all.  I’ve come to realize that the outside is either a reflection or a mask.  I used to hide behind a mask, a secret identity, but I’ve since learned to shed my skin and expose all that I am to a harsh and judgmental world.

I've had some ups and down in my journey of change, expect even more, but I've accomplished so much in a short period of time.  I've not just lost weight, but I've focused on getting my body, mind and spirit healthier and stronger.  I've learned a lot about my limits, and pushing myself beyond those limits, and listening to what my body, my heart, and my mind needs.  I've learned to love and appreciate them for what they are, not only focused on what they could become. 

I used to not be able to look at my scars, being reminded of the pain in receiving them, some things no human should have to endure. I’ve seen the true face of evil – it has burned, cut, stabbed, raped, degraded, abandoned and used me. I don’t know how I survived, but I did.  But, the outward scars are not the only ones left by abuse, there are inward scars that run much deeper. Those are the ones no one but a few ever get to see.

I’m a beautiful woman, but I know that not everybody will be able to get passed my scars, both inwardly and outwardly.  Not everyone has the strength to look at them and see their beauty.  I would win no beauty contest and would never be the object of a dream fantasy, but someday, some lucky man is going to be showered with such an abundance of love he’ll be overwhelmed.  Because it required an abundance of love to get me where I am and to teach me to see the world, people, and things around me with a different set of eyes.  I used to have shallow eyes, and hid behind their prejudice, but I now possess x-ray vision.  I see hidden beauty where others only see skin. 

My skin is steel, forged by a stubborn will.  I use that thick skin to repel the bullets shot at me, letting them ricochet back at those who meant to wound me. I have a spirit that soars in the clouds.  The world wants to ground me, force me to keep my feet anchored to the earth, but I can’t.  My cape flaps in the wind that calls my name.  I don’t know where I’ll land, where I’ll go, or if the ride will be wrought with fear – but I leap anyway. 

So, I’m not an ordinary woman and it will only take an extraordinary man, a superman, to be my partner.  I’m a stranger and an alien, different and alone, and the world seeks to use me and my gifts for their own ends.  But, I don’t play by their rules. I won’t be found on the ground, only in the clouds.  If you can fly – come find me.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Good Morning, World! 04-18-2014 Moments

Good Morning, World - April 4 - April 17

Here's my latest good morning musings.  I hope you enjoy them.

Existential Crisis

Being self-aware, trying to understand the meaning of life, or finding philosophical truths in the human condition can sometimes be life-changing - other times it can be burdensome.  We seem to find our deepest worth in our intimate understandings and our insignificance by seeing beyond ourselves and observing the vastness of the universe.  But those moments we find ourselves in-between are the moments we enter into an existential crises –a moment when we experience the complexity and beauty of humanity.

God, I’m amazed that among the hate, the struggle, the fighting, the bickering, the posturing, the judging, and the surviving are those beautiful moments of amazing love, joy, peace, and beauty - laughter and tears - hope and fear. Being alive in the world we truly do experience both Heaven and Hell… right here, right now, from one moment to the next.   

Love.  The most powerful force in the universe – the thing that defines us most – the passion that drives us – the hope that fills us – the mystery that eludes us – the desire we crave most. It alone builds us or tears us down.

Love one another.  Love me. Let me love you back.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Addictions, Consequences, and Directions

I’ve been reading … well, let me clarify, I’ve been studying …“Finding Your Own North Star” by Martha Beck for some time now.  I’m still only at the beginning, because I don’t move forward until I feel I understand what I’ve already read.

This morning I was reading the chapter on Reconnecting and came across a section about addiction.  In this part she talks about an overachieving guy named Allen who would occasionally embark on an alcoholic binge.  What Beck says in this chapter really resonated with me because it’s a principle I’ve found to be true in my own life over the past couple of years.  When Allen started recognizing that his essential self no longer needed to hijack his behavior, because he started understanding what his social-self needed, he made some very drastic changes in his life, his family, and his job.  Everyone he knew was upset about all the changes, and by all outward appearances it looked like his life was a mess.  But Allen was happy because both parts of him were on the right path, and he no longer found himself binging.  

When I’m doing what I know I was created to do, the work isn’t work to me, it’s just part of what I enjoy.  When situations come into my life that threaten to keep me from doing those things, I get stressed, filled with anxiety, depressed, angry, and sometimes turn to an addictive behavior (not your typical devices – for me it’s pushing the world away and isolating myself to a lethargic state).

I understand this.  But so far I’ve yet to discover how to stop it from happening.  When my basic needs are not met while I’m participating in fulfilling both my essential and social selves and being happy, it forces me to have to seek supplication elsewhere, therefore pulling me away from the path toward my true north star. I then fall into a self-destructive pattern where I can’t sleep and my stress levels shoot to the roof. 

Philosophers, poets, and therapists make it sound like all these dramatic life changes just happen and there are no dire consequences.  They don’t just happen and sometimes the consequences of letting something go costs you more than you can often afford.  Sometimes there are not simple answers and solutions right around the corner. No matter how much you understand the source of a problem, knowing about it doesn’t make life any easier and it isn’t some magic word that puts everything in the proper order.  Sometimes it’s a fight to get where you know you need to be.

Saying you have to do what you have to do, Beck says this is a battle cry from the social self. I understanding taking a stand can cost you.  It’s cost me my livelihood, my marriage, just about all my friends.  She ends with a quote from the Bible about the dangers of gaining the whole world but losing your soul.  Believe me, I’ve put it on the line for that very reason.  I have no regrets of what I’ve put on the line.  

But, what I’d like to know… is how much can one truly lose before they once again make a decision to do what they have to do, even if it takes them off the track to their north star?  There is such a thing of losing it all… having nothing, no one, and nowhere to go.  Just volunteer at any homeless shelter and you’ll see it.  Would you be willing to go that far?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

North Star Literary Agency: Narflax Kills Dragons Dead by Jeff Suwak

North Star Literary Agency: Narflax Kills Dragons Dead by Jeff Suwak:  Check out the latest short story publication by Jeff Suwak in SorcerousSignals.com . Title: Narflax Kills Drag...

Fantasy by MS MR featured in Songplaces.com

Check out my latest article in Songlplaces.com featuring the song "Fantasy" by MS MR.

Here's a snippet:

"Every time I hear the soft, sultry tunes of "Fantasy," clearly recognizable as the Brooklyn/London duo MS MR (pronounced Miz Mister - made up of Lizzy Plapinger and Max Hershenaw), I’m instantly propelled into the most beautiful memory I’ve ever had. It was the first time I ever visited the beautiful mountains of the Olympic National Park in the Pacific Northwest."

http://www.songplaces.com/Fantasy/Vassar_College_Poughkeepsie_New_York


Visit SongPlaces to read the rest of the article.

Take the Scenic Route

To my deepest core, I’m an adventurer. I was born a rambler, a gypsy, a vagabond.  Not by choice, I’ve spent the first part of my life moving from place to place, searching for myself over and over, and experiencing different places. In contrast, I’ve spent the second part of my life in one place, trying to transform myself into what everyone expected of me. I’m now in a new part of my life where by choice, I’ve returned to my rambling ways and entered the biggest journey of my life, searching for myself.  

This movie meant so much to me, because it helped reflect my own personal journey. I was that sleeping wonder, letting life pass me by, only having adventures in my imagination.  But, I woke up and my life has been one grand adventure after the next.  It’s not all roses and jubilee.  Many of these adventures are scary, living in the unknown, stepping away from all safety and security.  But, man… the freedom I feel in my soul is indescribable. 

This poster really inspires me.  One of the key parts of this journey is the choice to move away from the expected, to get off the fast track - the interstate, and take the scenic route.  Slow down and look around.  Life is right in front of me.  Beauty and love are everywhere, even if all I’ve known is a concrete garden.  Mountains, rivers, oceans, flowers and the music of nature are teaching me to love myself, love the world around, and love the people close to me.  Even the scary parts are an adventure to be cherished.

What about you? Can you find the passion to take the scenic route in your life?  Come on, I dare you.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

North Star Literary Agency: Vagabond's Education - Jeff Suwak

North Star Literary Agency: Vagabond's Education - Jeff Suwak:  Check out the latest short story published by author Jeff Suwak in the online magazine Roadside Fiction called &...

Fool

Today is April Fool’s day.  Why the first day of such a glorious month was chosen as a day to celebrate foolishness, I don’t know, and I really don’t want to know.  I enjoy a good laugh, a good prank, and seeing the creative mind being exercised.  Have fun, you little pranksters.

The bigger question for me today is: What is really foolishness and being a fool?

At times I see it as a positive thing, something admirable, full of strength and courage.  Other times I see it as being weak and stupid, something to be avoided at all costs.  There are times I love being a fool and chasing foolish pursuits because it brings me alive, it stirs my soul, and refreshes my heart.  Other times it tears me apart and makes me feel stupid, unworthy and unlovable.

One of the things I try to do is not judge a thing on its possible outcome, because what may seem impossible can turn into the possible, and none of us has the power to really control what happens in our lives.  We can do our best to reach certain goals, achieve certain outcomes, but only God knows the end.  Instead, I try to look at the results of a thing and judge it by those merits, because every decision we ever make leaves a mark, has an effect, creates a truth – a fact of what is or what has been.

Looking at things from that perspective, perhaps some of my foolish decisions haven’t been very smart ones. Things I took huge chances for haven’t happened.  Other things I’d hoped for haven’t become reality.  Even more things I dreamed for have remained out of my reach.  On the flip side of that, I’ve accomplished some really great things in my life I thought were impossible and have experienced some beautiful things that I will treasure for as long as I live.  I’m a walking contradiction… so happy with so many things, strong and healthy and doing amazingly, yet so empty, hurt and scared at the same time. I’m so proud of myself for the courage to do the things I’ve done, but also so ashamed of those things I’ve not been able to complete.  Never felt more love, yet unloved. Never felt more beautiful and desirable, yet unwanted. I once asked for my eyes to be open, now I wish more than anything they would close.

Am I a fool to continue to tightly grasp those hopes and dreams?  Or am I a fool for not letting them go? How does one let go of their soul?  How do they let go of their heart’s desire?  I know it’s possible, I’ve seen the emptiness behind the smiles.  I’ve seen the shells behind drunken stares and indifferent glances, tucked neatly behind middle-class banners, dangling from the end of a needle, or in the gooey center of a jelly donut.  I’ve wore its clothing and hid behind its smile.  It’s comfortable there, because it’s also dead.  I’m so afraid I’ll go back and give up. I’m terrified I’ll choose to be the wrong kind of fool.  I’m petrified I won’t go forward. The uncertainty kills me, yet the idea of the possibilities thrills me. I’m sick, I tell ya.  Sick. 

Is there a cure for this big fool? Or at least a cute little hat?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Stretched Beyond Your Comfort Zone

“I will not give that which costs me nothing,” ~King David.

“There can be no triumph without loss. No victory without suffering. No freedom without sacrifice.” J.R.R. Tolkien

“Simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple. But it’s worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains.” ~Steve Jobs

When we set goals for ourselves, we are telling the universe that no matter what it plans for us, we are the captains of our lives and we determine the outcome. However, making that grand gesture is only the first step. Once we declare our intentions the universe conspires against us, pushes us to prove ourselves, tests our resolve, and stretches us beyond our comfort zones to see if we meant what we said or if we will falter. In our human frailty and weakness that is often what we do – fall. Yet, we are not failures - unless we give up. There’s no tally for how many times I’ve been knocked down and counted out, but I won’t give up. The universe may have given up on me, but I won’t give up on myself.

When we look around it ‘appears’ that others have it easier, but that’s because we’re often only looking at the things that give us the most difficulty. We ALL have struggles, but they may be in different areas. It seems my hardest struggles are in love and health, while others struggle with success and happiness, and others peace and addictions. The list goes on and on. We are individuals, unique, and precious. It would be great if we were all born to the same opportunities and face the same struggles.

It’s not fair.

Life isn’t fair.

We have to get this ‘fairness’ idea out of our heads and quit comparing ourselves to others. Face our troubles and realize we all struggle in one way or another. Not one of us is perfect or without hardship. Not one!

We need to help encourage one another. I can’t begin to express how much the love and encouragement from my closest friends has meant to me this past couple of years. There were days I felt lower than dirt, didn’t even want to live because the pain and heartache hurt so much. I still sometimes have those days. But all it took was a kind word, a simple expression of love, a bit of encouragement and not judgment from my friends to lift me out of those dark places. We all visit them from time to time. Not one of us has our ‘shit’ together all the time.

If we can clear up our thinking and start encouraging ourselves and one another, knowing that our journey will have some hard days, determine in our hearts that our dreams and hopes are worth the sacrifices they will require, and surround ourselves with people who will love and encourage us when we have dark days and not judge us, then we can begin to move those mountains.

I keep coming back to a Lucy Spraggan song called “Mountains” and there’s a line that tugs my heart every time – “I know what you’re scared of, I can feel it too. You’re not scared of climbing mountains; you’re scared you can’t make them move.”

God knows I’ve got huge mountains in front of me. We all do; I’m not alone in this venture. But, I do have something very precious …I have friends who truly love me. They don’t just tell me with their lips while judging me and reminding me of my faults. They love me in spite of them. I love them more than I can ever express. They’re not perfect, they have their own battles and weaknesses, but they’re perfect for me. They stretch me often beyond my comfort zone – pushing me forward when all I want to do is lie down and give up. It’s not all laughs and good times – more often its arguments and frustration – because they care enough to tell me the truth. They don’t give up on me, when I’m sure they feel like it …often, perhaps daily. They are more precious to me than any success, fame, recognition, money, or treasure. They are ‘love’. Sure, I want to be ‘in love’ and have a great romance, but the love I have for and from my friends… is so much more than a flight of fancy.

To my friends… you know who you are… I love you. Thank you for loving me.

So the next time you feel the pressure and the struggle of the goals you’ve set for yourself, remember you’re not alone, you’re a member of the human race. And if you don’t have a friend or two around you who will love you and stretch you beyond your comfort zone, start looking for them.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Being Free

For so many years I was counseled that I had to be an example because I stood in a place of leadership, repeatedly reminded that people were watching and looking up to me and therefore I had to make sure I set a good example so ‘they’ wouldn’t stumble.  In my strive for excellence and to fulfill the mandate set before me, and from a fear of letting the people I cared for most down by not being a failure, I worked hard at being that great example.  There’s nothing wrong in that in and of itself except somewhere along the way I got lost and started being what was expected of me. I lost my identity. I was someone’s mom, someone’s wife, member or associate of something… but not me.

These last couple of years I’ve been examining myself, but not in self-judgment as I had for the past fifteen years correcting and rebuking in an effort to be ‘good’. I’ve simply been asking who I am, what do I want, what makes me happy.  Sure I still want to be good, who doesn’t deep down in their heart, but I mostly want to be honest…and free.

The world is full of hypocrites, liars, and manipulators.  I’m not saying these things to be mean or negative, only that it is to ourselves we are most guilty.  Whenever we start being honest with ourselves and face the truth of who we really are and what we really want, the world starts pointing its fingers at us, accusing us of being selfish or narcissistic.  Well, I’m not for pleasing the world anymore, or even someone else.  My whole life I’ve been told, taught, and trained to please others.  I have a giving, caring, and supportive heart – except when it came to me.  Not anymore.

I celebrate me.  I love the woman I am.  I love the woman I’m discovering. I love my perfect imperfections. So, if you’re watching me – the only example I want to set now is that it’s okay to love and celebrate yourself.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Failures or Cowards?

What is a failure really?  Does not being able to complete a task that we dare to accomplish translate as a failure?  When a relationship breaks down and we separate is that also a failure? 

I have my different definition for failure, or else I still have yet to find the correct correlating word. Failure to me is simply being too afraid to try. Allowing an opportunity to pass, that’s failure. Having tried something and it fall apart or tear to pieces isn’t failure - that’s understanding and discovering how something doesn’t work.

When it comes to relationships I watch so many people build emotional walls because they’re afraid of failure. Having had a relationship that didn’t work, they believe themselves proverbial failures. But they’re not. They’re simply cowards. I don’t want to be a coward.

I know this fear because I face it every day. I don’t want to build the same walls. I do want to protect myself from the pain that comes from a broken relationship, but not at the cost of isolation.  I want to run. I want to hide. I want to believe I’m better off not loving in the first place than taking the risk of loving again and getting hurt even more than I am now. That’s the easy thing. It’s not what winners do, it’s what failures do.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve never failed. I’ve had things fall apart, situations cost me everything, relationships tear me to pieces, but I’ve always tried – again and again and again and again until I discover what works. I face things that scare me. I risk everything for my dreams. I don’t just talk about doing things… I do them. I may complain and whine and cry and pitch a fit in the middle of my fear, but I still jump, I still leap, and I still take the gamble. I may not be showered in riches or exude what the world defines as success, but I’m a winner because I have the courage to try – again and again and again.

E.E. Cummings says, “It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.”

John Wooden says, “Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It is courage that counts.”

Mark Twain says, “With courage, you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be passionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.”

Albert Einstein says, “You never fail until you stop trying.”

Cormac McCarthy says, “Long before the morning, I knew that what I was seeking to discover was a thing I’d always known, that all courage was a thing of constancy. That it is always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals comes easy.”

This quote moves me most, because I’ve seen it in action too many times. We often think our betrayals are of the other person, but what we don’t often realize is that we’ve first betrayed ourselves. The secrets, the lies, the guilt, the shame, it all comes after we’ve betrayed ourselves.  This is what I fear most, that I will betray ME, that I will let ME down, that I will fail ME, that I will allow a coward to come into my life and drag me down into failure. It is for this purpose I continue to try and have become particular who I allow into my life - because I deserve the best, I deserve success, I deserve love, and I deserve happiness. I deserve to be with a winner. As long as I keep seeking these things and never stop, I’m not a failure. Finding or not finding isn’t the prize, the measure of success, or where living is done – but life, character, courage and success are found in the process.

I’m not a coward; therefore I am not a failure.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray