Monday Morning Coffee

Most people are not morning people, and even more so not Monday morning people.  I'm one of those irritating happy morning people, especially on a Monday.  Why?  I have a theory. 

Shit happens, but I’m still going to hope for a better day.  As Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage and all the people are merely players." All life is drama.  The differences are the types of dramas we find ourselves and how they affect us.  I hear people say all the time they don't want any 'drama' in their lives.  Well, too damned bad, because as long as we live and breathe there is drama.  We can't escape it.  We can try, but it won't work.  I've tried many times. I've told myself on many occasions that my life would be better if I could stop feeling and the drama would leave me alone. Yeah, but that's bullshit.  I knew it was bullshit when I said it, and knew that saying it wasn't going to change anything.

While we may not be able to control the presence of drama in our lives, we do have control on the kind of drama we allow, we run toward, we desire, and to which we choose to run away. My choice would be the hero’s tale, but I often myself wrapped up in a tragedy.  I desire the epic romance, but often find myself in a myopic comedy.  I have been hurt deeply many times, but even still I have ‘hope’ for a better day, a better tomorrow. My trust may be broken, my faith may be weak, and my expectation may be so vapid that it disappears with the slightest breeze, but I still cling to hope for a better story, MY story.  Why, because I love myself.  I love the woman I am. I don’t deny my mistakes. I don’t ignore my faults. I don’t pretend.  I love with all that I have, all that I am, because I know what it’s like to be unloved and unwanted.  I know how rejection cuts so deeply it leaves a scar that burns.  I know what it’s like to look into the eyes of someone you love so deeply, to see no love staring back.  I know that pain.  I know what it feels like to cling to that dying hope that things will change, that love will overcome, or that the story doesn’t have to end the way feared.  But, I can only hold onto that false hope for so long, because there’s another hope that is seeded deeper within my soul I won’t allow to be sacrificed in its place.  And it is THAT hope that gets me up every morning, especially on a Monday morning.  

Regardless of how the day ends, I lift my warm cup of coffee to this glorious Monday morning, holding fast to the hope that this day will be the day that leads me down the road of MY story, that it be filled with MY drama, and that I feel all the love and beauty I’ve been searching for my whole life.  I already walk in my story, and I already have all that I desire, because it’s wrapped up in that woman I see in the mirror every morning.  The only difference is my ability to see her – and that is my hope – that I see her more clearly every day and don’t allow the drama and hurts of the world to hide her from me.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Stretched Beyond Your Comfort Zone

“I will not give that which costs me nothing,” ~King David.

“There can be no triumph without loss. No victory without suffering. No freedom without sacrifice.” J.R.R. Tolkien

“Simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple. But it’s worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains.” ~Steve Jobs

When we set goals for ourselves, we are telling the universe that no matter what it plans for us, we are the captains of our lives and we determine the outcome. However, making that grand gesture is only the first step. Once we declare our intentions the universe conspires against us, pushes us to prove ourselves, tests our resolve, and stretches us beyond our comfort zones to see if we meant what we said or if we will falter. In our human frailty and weakness that is often what we do – fall. Yet, we are not failures - unless we give up. There’s no tally for how many times I’ve been knocked down and counted out, but I won’t give up. The universe may have given up on me, but I won’t give up on myself.

When we look around it ‘appears’ that others have it easier, but that’s because we’re often only looking at the things that give us the most difficulty. We ALL have struggles, but they may be in different areas. It seems my hardest struggles are in love and health, while others struggle with success and happiness, and others peace and addictions. The list goes on and on. We are individuals, unique, and precious. It would be great if we were all born to the same opportunities and face the same struggles.

It’s not fair.

Life isn’t fair.

We have to get this ‘fairness’ idea out of our heads and quit comparing ourselves to others. Face our troubles and realize we all struggle in one way or another. Not one of us is perfect or without hardship. Not one!

We need to help encourage one another. I can’t begin to express how much the love and encouragement from my closest friends has meant to me this past couple of years. There were days I felt lower than dirt, didn’t even want to live because the pain and heartache hurt so much. I still sometimes have those days. But all it took was a kind word, a simple expression of love, a bit of encouragement and not judgment from my friends to lift me out of those dark places. We all visit them from time to time. Not one of us has our ‘shit’ together all the time.

If we can clear up our thinking and start encouraging ourselves and one another, knowing that our journey will have some hard days, determine in our hearts that our dreams and hopes are worth the sacrifices they will require, and surround ourselves with people who will love and encourage us when we have dark days and not judge us, then we can begin to move those mountains.

I keep coming back to a Lucy Spraggan song called “Mountains” and there’s a line that tugs my heart every time – “I know what you’re scared of, I can feel it too. You’re not scared of climbing mountains; you’re scared you can’t make them move.”

God knows I’ve got huge mountains in front of me. We all do; I’m not alone in this venture. But, I do have something very precious …I have friends who truly love me. They don’t just tell me with their lips while judging me and reminding me of my faults. They love me in spite of them. I love them more than I can ever express. They’re not perfect, they have their own battles and weaknesses, but they’re perfect for me. They stretch me often beyond my comfort zone – pushing me forward when all I want to do is lie down and give up. It’s not all laughs and good times – more often its arguments and frustration – because they care enough to tell me the truth. They don’t give up on me, when I’m sure they feel like it …often, perhaps daily. They are more precious to me than any success, fame, recognition, money, or treasure. They are ‘love’. Sure, I want to be ‘in love’ and have a great romance, but the love I have for and from my friends… is so much more than a flight of fancy.

To my friends… you know who you are… I love you. Thank you for loving me.

So the next time you feel the pressure and the struggle of the goals you’ve set for yourself, remember you’re not alone, you’re a member of the human race. And if you don’t have a friend or two around you who will love you and stretch you beyond your comfort zone, start looking for them.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Make It Happen

One of my New Year’s resolutions this year pertained to a lot of hiking, enjoying the outdoors, and experiencing more of the things I love.  I’m happy to report I’m doing a really great job keeping those promises.

Being outdoors does something for me I can’t really explain.  When I’m in the woods I can step outside the four walls that close around me all the time.  On an emotional level, I’m able to disconnect from fears that pressure me. I can think more clearly among the birds, the trees, and the glorious sunshine. The wind speaks to me.  The colors paint me beautiful pictures.  The songs of nature sing me beautiful lullabies.  I feel human, a part of the earth, and connected with the universe when I’m in the woods.  I feel I belong - not alone, not unwanted, not unloved.

We all dream about doing things.  We probably suggest to ourselves a dozen times a day wonderful ideas of amazing adventures, yet we either talk ourselves out of those dreams and settle for a more practical solution, or just forget about them altogether.  I’m a pro.  For most of my life, I didn’t fight for the opportunities to do these things for myself.  I allowed the practical to rule the day.  Not anymore.

I have a journal I received at Christmas that has the words “Make It Happen” stamped across the front.  

This is my outdoor adventure journal, where I fill it with tokens, receipts, pamphlets, passes, and reminders of the excursions I take.  I know as I fill this journal, I’m not just filling dreams on a page, I’m LIVING these adventures.  I’m making it happen. 

I know how easy we can allow the practicality and hardships of life to steal these dreams from us.  But, I can’t express how much we need to protect them and do what we can to make them happen.  Life isn’t made up of those great moments, because great moments are far and few between.  What makes our lives worthwhile are what we decide to do in the simple every day moments. Don’t throw those little dreams away.  Instead, make them happen.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Get Up! Go on!

Okay, it’s the middle of February and we’re approaching the biggest point where most people who set new goals for themselves at New Year’s usually falter and fall right back into their bad, unhealthy habitual routines.  But, don’t give up.  Get up.  Speed it up.  Dig in a little deeper, because you’re about to hit to a good milestone, reach a transformational point, and see some progress. 

Diet and exercise require a lifestyle change to be effective, period.  Temporary practice only produces temporary results. In the same manner it took to develop the unfit and unhealthy habits, so too will it take just as long to create new ones. It can be done.  It can be accomplished.  You can change your life.

I don’t diet and exercise anymore.  I did when I started out, because essentially both required a major shift in my normal practices, the biggest being my mindset.  I now live more active and healthy.  When it comes to food, I used be concerned about calories and fat content, but now I concentrate on taste, convenience, cost, and enjoyment.  I no longer look at my ‘diet’ as being filled with foods I can’t eat, but turn my focus to those varied healthier choices and consider ways to make them tastier and artistic.  I don’t look at exercise as something that I have to do if I’m going to lose weight.  I hardly weigh anymore, because I’m reaching the point where my weight doesn’t matter as much as my strength and ability to participate in various activities. I now seek out adventures that are exciting, thrilling, and less inhibited because I’m healthier and more energetic. 

But, I didn’t get this way by some miracle pill, divine miracle, extreme surgery, magic shake, or expensive training.  I’ve lost more than 80lbs this last year, built up my lungs and muscle activity to run a mile, and took up the art of gourmet cooking through a lot of hard work and determination.  Every time I thought of quitting and returning back to what was easy and comfortable, I’d think about all those things I was too unhealthy to do, how I felt about myself, and how much my friends and family worried about me and my health, and then I would push myself a little bit harder. 

Yes, it hurts.  Yes, it’s hard.  Yes, at times it feels like that next goal is just always right out of reach.  Yes, you will have weak moments.  Yes, you will stumble at times.  But - YES, you can do it. Yes, you can get up. 

Encourage one another.  If you have a friend or family member that you know who has set a goal for themselves to get their bodies healthier by eating better and exercising, please be a cheerleader for them and let them know how proud you are that they’re taking a stand for their life.  Help them, don’t tempt them.  Send them a note of encouragement and celebrate with them even the tiniest of accomplishments.  A long line of tiny accomplishments make up major achievements. I wouldn’t be where I am today had it not been for a few of my friends who constantly pushed me, encouraged me, and celebrated my achievements with me. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Be Happy

I'm learning that the happier I am, the happier people I attract, and the happier people become around me. Happiness and joy are contagious. I feel better, stronger and am less afraid.  But also just as addictive are the negative depressives.  Another important thing I'm learning is that I don't have to allow these negative depressives into my life - it's okay to cut them out.

I'm not talking about beautiful friends who may be having a bad day, a hard time, or a moment of sadness, weakness, or depression.  Being a good friend is reaching out and being a comfort to them, lending a shoulder, a hug, an attentive ear - and doing all we can to be there and lift our friend out of the dark place.  Those are the best opportunities to share our happiness, be an inspiration, and be a good friend. I wouldn't be where I am today without the wonderful friends in my life who helped me.

What I am talking about are those who ONLY look at the world with negative dark-colored glasses, where they seek out all that's wrong with everything (yes, the world sucks and there's a lot of bad things going on - I don't stick my head in mud and pretend I live in a fairy tale), look for the bad in everyone, expects everyone to hurt, have manipulative intents and alternative motives.  I know.  I used to be that hurt, angry, little girl. It's not a nice way to live.  It ages and beats you down and crushes your spirit.

I'm becoming that irritating person who chooses to look for the silver-lining.  I show up to work smiling, singing and spreading positive platitudes, skipping through the day making all negative depressives want to stab me in the face. But I choose to still smile, because they have no idea what I'm going through, or that most days I'm fighting some of the biggest battles in my life, or that I walk around terrified and alone almost all the time.  My smile is my weapon.  An upbeat song in my heart, or playing in my ears through my iPod, is my armor.

There will be days when I'm going to need to be carried, because I've dropped my weapons and have been overcome by the shadows of depression - but those days are happening less and less as I become happier. 

Proverbs 16:24: "Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and medicine to the bones."
Proverbs 17:22: "A merry heart does good, like medicine.  But a broken spirit dries the bones."

Smile today, especially if you don't feel like it. 

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Moving Forward, Leaving Behind

We all go through phases in our lives.  Most of mine have consisted of a seasons that moved forward.  I didn’t have time to go any other direction.  There were other people depending me, so I dug in and did what had to be done for them.  Where I went wrong – I should have taken the same consideration for myself.

This time last year I found myself, for the first time, alone and where no one needed me anymore, therefore the reason for my forward motion vanished.  It seems like it instantly popped out of existence, but I now realize it had been a gradual fade over the past few years.

What happened – I entered into an identity crisis.  I didn’t know who I was because I had always identified myself by how I was needed.  Over the next twelve months I experienced joy and pain, confusion and clarity as I learned to identify who I was, what I wanted, and what was I supposed to do now.

I found myself in an atmosphere that allowed, hell - it encouraged, procrastination.  I got no serious writing accomplished, but I learned some new writing techniques.  I met and jumped right into helping other writers realize their dream, while putting my own on hold. This place of procrastination allowed me to help as I healed. But, it’s no longer useful to me, only a hindrance and a place of frustration. It needed me.  I no longer needed it.

I know who I am now. I know what I want. It’s time to get busy.  So, today - I walked away from that place offering its deceptive Lotus flowers made to keep me in a state of suspension.  I’m back moving forward.  The time has come to knock the dust off the bottom of my shoes and move forward.  I’m leaving behind anything that slows or hinders my forward motion.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

You Must Do

You Must Do

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this … I can take the next thing that comes along.”  You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”  ~Eleanor Roosevelt

These words have become living words to me.  I not only understand their meaning and definition, but I comprehend them with an intimacy that only my heart can express without words.  I have known them over and over, yet as soon as I have reached the pinnacle, I start to forget them… until I learn them again.

As Ms. Roosevelt states in the beginning … this is a learning process.  I ‘gain’ strength, courage and confidence with every experience.  The fear never ceases, nor does it ever decline in intensity.  In fact, I often think it increases, but I must face it anyway.  What choice do I have?  I’m not arrogant enough to deny I’m afraid.  Denial isn’t courage.  Courage isn’t being unafraid.  Courage is being deathly afraid yet choosing to face it anyway.

In most moments of fear I want to give up, throw my hands into the air and scream at the top of my lungs that I can’t take it, I’m too weak, and want to just die.  But, I don’t… because I love me and deserve to live.  But love for me is not from where I draw most of my strength as I face my fears.  Love from my friends is what gives me that strength.

There are some precious people in my life who are so dear to me, my heart literally aches when I think about how much I love and appreciate them.  It is their love for me, their words of encouragement, and their belief in me that has given me the strength to walk into the lion’s den and face my greatest fears.  Their love and encouragement gives me hope and reassures me that I don’t walk alone.  It is their love for me that helps me do the things I cannot do.  I love them more than words could ever express.  I hope they never give up on me.  I must do, and I will.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray  

The Other Side

Tunnel to Hurricane Ridge - Elwa Falls - Olympia National Park  6/1/2013

I don’t think there’s anything more sad, more pathetic and more gut-wrenching than the dreaded ‘what if’ … what if I went, what if I stayed, what if I said those words, what if I hadn’t, what if I fail, what if I succeed?  Regret – it’s so powerful it can eat through a person’s soul, steal their dreams, lock them into emotional slavery and defeat possible victories. 

However, decisions that are to be made consisting of the dreaded ‘what if’ should be considered and weighed with much thought and careful consideration - because you can fail, you can lose, you can make a wrong decision with just as much possibility of success.  But not knowing the possible results leaves you with a lifetime of regret. 

I am not afraid to fail.  I have spent more time in the dirt on my face from falling than I’d ever like to admit, however, I have very few regrets.  I live my life most often in the motion of chasing something… dreams, an idea, or a passion.   I have succeeded and I have failed.  I have won and I have lost.  I have cried and I have laughed.  Most of all I have lived.  I won’t know what is waiting for me on the other side of another opportunity until I make the choice to grab it and take the steps needed to reach my destination. 

Arriving on the other side is great, but that is not the best part of the experience… it’s the journey “to” the other side where life happens. 

I’m on such a journey now, a transition from one place in my life to another… a sojourner.  The only real choice I have to make every day is whether I’m going to be afraid to move or not move, do or not do… regret or not regret.  

I choose.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Open the Window

To fuel our imaginations, we’ve got to live our lives.

To create other worlds, we’ve got to better understand the world in which we live.

To develop a character, we’ve got to study the different characters around us.

To inspire hope, we’ve got to witness depravity.

To describe love, we’ve got to experience it in both joy and pain.

To exhale, we must first inhale.

So, open the window and fly into life, and then watch your dreams soar. 

Milestones

The measure of life is usually described by the number of years we’ve existed, however I’m beginning to understand that time isn’t the real measure, but by the experiences we’ve had within that time is what truly make up our lives.  These moments are what we call milestones. 

By definition, a milestone is a significant event or stage in the life, progress, development, or the like of a person, nation, etc. Some of the most notable milestones are: birth, start of school, graduation, first job, first love, first heartbreak, or leave for college, or graduation from college, marriage, the birth of a child, retirement, or death of a loved one.  These are the events we remember most which mark our passage as we journey through our lives.

Being a writer also has its milestones which measure the life and experience of our artistic adventures.  Some writers place a few milestones in front of them, to set as a goal to reach, while others just make note of them as they pass.  Either method is neither right, nor wrong.  Which method you choose really doesn’t matter because, like with life, most of our milestones happen beyond our choosing, planning or expectations.  We will cherish some and despise others, but combined together they will make up and mark our artistic life.

Can you clearly see some of the milestones you’ve passed already as a writer?  Do you see the milestones in your immediate future?  Do you strive or hope for certain milestones?  I just wanted to give you a little something to think about. Sometimes we need to take a moment to reflect where we’ve been and set our sights on where we want to go.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Talent Trepidation

Doesn’t it just chap your hide that some people have been endowed with such wonderful, amazing gifts and talents, and they make genius look easy?  Well, the fact they have them don’t bother me, but what they choose to do with what they’ve been given can move me from one end of the emotional scale to the other.  I’m blown away at the passion and dedication I see some express when it comes to their gifts, and I’m so disappointed at the lack of enthusiasm and care I see others display.  (Yes – I’m talking about you.  You know who you are.  You, who have been endowed with a great gift, you’re clever, talented, gifted, artistic, crafty, and yet you do NOTHING with it.) Sheesh!

What about you, reader?  Do you have a talent you’re sitting on, ignoring and neglecting, either out of fear, ignorance or arrogance?  If so, then STOP!  You owe it to yourself to pursue what you’ve been given.  You don’t have to start off big, but at least start.  Do something.  Take a step.  If you’ve laid it down, pick it back up.  Now is the time.

Go!

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Do a Happy Dance

Being a writer involves a life of many ups and downs, probably more downs and solitude than anything, but there are some really great ‘up’ moments.  We should really cherish those moments, because they are far and few between. 

I’ve had many writers warn me not let myself get too excited, because behind those peaks are long dips and valleys, but I find that bit of advice a little disconcerting.  Why should I not allow myself to get too excited?  Don’t I allow myself to fully worry, to fitfully fret, to completely struggle and to labor?  Why only expect the full benefits of the ‘down’ times, and pull back from experiencing the full joy of the ‘up’ times?  That doesn’t make sense, unless I’m glutton for pain, which I’m not. 

So, my advice today for all those who are approaching an ‘up’ moment –fully enjoy it.  Give yourself completely into the exhilaration and jubilation that comes with the achievement.  Laugh out loud, do a happy dance, and shout from the top of the mountains of your achievement. Don’t be shy about it, and put all modesty to the side.  Don’t allow the Michal’s of this world mock your jubilation.  You’ve earned this moment, so enjoy it.  Don’t let anyone steal it, deem it as precious, and celebrate its existence.  Believe me - it won’t last long before the next trial shows its teeth. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray